Welcome to the fifth edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Palau! Each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Enjoy!
Have I mentioned how much I LOVE swimming challenges? The deeper the water, the better, as that gives me more opportunities to wear the world's dorkiest goggles. OK, I suck at swimming challenges. It's not like you swim a whole lot to get by in Alabama. Now if we had a "undo your partner's bra while facing her while blindfolded" contest I could really shine, but this swimming is getting tired. Luckily for me, Koror decided that I was worth keeping around. I think it was Janu and Caryn lobbying for me as a future potential snuggling-mate. Hey ladies, I've got a strangely spelled name too. We have so much in common already. I can't wait for the merge. Just as long as we don't have to swim to get there.
What a shocker that was. Eliminated by a Mark Burnett twist. My plan was working to perfection. I was in complete control of the game, and even had hammock rights. I was a hard worker around camp, always took my turn for camp fire watch, I mean sure, I used my own method to watch the fire, that being if it got cold, the fire probably went out, but that is a lot more productive than sitting there staring at the darn thing. Plus, you cannot deny our success rate anytime I was in a challenge. I am sure it was that backstabber Coby who did me in, even after I offered him my pants. It couldn’t have been Tom or Ian. They love me, and told me so everyday. Oh well, I walk away with my head held high, my chest sagged out, and finally I will get a good night’s sleep.
It is almost complete. All I need now is one of Jeff Probst’s hairs to make his voodoo doll functional. I’ve had it with his endless needling. “So how does losing feel this week? Don’t you just want to cry? You’d love some of this tasty stew wouldn’t you? Have you considered mass suicide as a way out of the humiliation? Wow, I’m so glad I’m not you!” I swear he’s the one holding up this merge, just to enjoy our degradation. Well, we’ll see how he likes it when his legs spontaneously burst into flames! To add insult to injury, Probst let stupid Koror keep us from booting off Mr. Incredibly Useless Underwater. Me and Angie were like sisters. The kind that have nothing in common and never do anything together, but sisters all the same. She will be avenged. Next reward challenge, watch for me sneaking up behind Probst to get the necessary hair. His misery will soon equal that of Ulong!
It was a rainin' and here we were wanderin' around in the dark lookin fer some cave. Even I know that's stupid. I told that Steph to quit gettin down mah throat about it. I'm gettin tired of losin every one of them challenges. I figured it was only fittin that Ibrehem got snuffed fer doin us in this time. Me and James figured that we were gonna merge or somethin and brough our whole camp ta tribal council. Jeff just laughed at us and told us to watch the others eat that meal. That boy is gittin on mah nerves. Some others figured Angie should go and Ibrehim should be safe, but I think that's stupid since shes' twice the man Ibrehem is. They almost sent me off instead fer gosh sake. ME !! Haven't these folks noticed how hard the two of us work? I think James is the only one I can trust. Course they ain't too many of us left neither. At least the other team had ta snuff one too. I'm gonna put that snuffer over Probst's mouth if he doesn't quit chewin at us. It ain't manly.
With me wasting away from lack of food, my camouflage is getting better and better. Now when I lay my skinny ass down, it’s impossible to distinguish the difference between me and the sticks that litter our campsite. Thank God I was able to use a piece of rope to hold my shorts up…I don’t want to be following in Hatch’s naked footprints. As good as my bony structure is for camouflage in the game, it’s a potential problem diving in the water. Fortunately I didn’t have to participate in the challenge, because I’m afraid if a shark saw me diving in the water, he just might think I’m one of those sea snakes and make a meal out of me. Jeff is making us snuff someone’s torch tonight, but I don’t have a thing to worry about because my team doesn’t even know I’m here. I just hope the rats don’t carry me off in the middle of the night, because I’m not sure I’d even be missed.
I tell you what, that tribal council was just a dang ol’ crime, is what it was. Here we was all set to get rid of ol’ Ibrehem and his useless muscles, and that sneaky Probst changed things up on us, man. I told you the first day he was a sumbitch, and dang if he ain’t proved it. Lettin’ Koror give someone immunity, man, that ain’t right. That’s like, if you was in the middle of a game of eight-ball pool, and all of a sudden someone hollers, “Hey, we playin’ nine-ball now!” Say what? You just can’t be changin’ the rules in the middle of the game like that, man. But hell, you know what? Ol’ James can roll with the punches, man. Faced with
avirsity adverisitybad stuff, I just roll on up just like an ol’ porc-u-pine and wait it out. So when them Korors took out Ibrehem, I hunkered down and looked around real quick-like at my options. And I lit on Angie. Nice girl, but damn – she couldn’t even wander around in the jungle for 20 minutes without whinin’ and cryin’. Girl, I was tryin’ to keep your tattooed ass dry, you could at least act halfway grateful. But no, she had to question my woodcraftin’ skills. No one questions my skills in the woods. Last November I snuck up on an eight-point buck 'fore it even smelled me. (Trick is, you roll around in the mud a while first). He is now gracin' the wall of my livin' room. So, sorry, Angie, but you're out. Now go shave your underarms like a proper woman.
I was excited to hear about the food reward for today’s challenge, but couldn’t believe it when Jeff said both teams would be going to tribal council. I’m just glad crabby, bitter old Willard has been so blatant about slacking off lately, because according to Tom, we’re sending him home tonight. How does Tom know this? He knows everything…he’s like our father figure. Besides, I’m so busy spreading my love around, I don’t have time to plot and scheme. I figure I’m Tom’s
toadyfavorite girl, so I have nothing to worry about. I know he’s going to be taking me all the way to the end.
Blast! Willard is gone and I can’t use him as a raincoat anymore. Discomfort is not good. I’ll just have to find something else. Now, let me gloat for a moment; I may just be the first winner in all history to achieve a perfect game. Alliances? Check. One handsome guy or, as I prefer to call him, personal puppet? Check. Absolute invisibility in terms of name, location, confessionals, number of pets and favorite band of the 80’s? Check again! I think I’ve fallen for Gregg. I promised myself before leaving that I would stay strong and stick to the master plan, but it is now too late. His good looks and manly 5 words sentences were just too good to be true. As I was discussing with Katie which nail polish would look fabulous with the color of our Koror buffs, party pooper Ian joined in our conversation. I was * this * close to use my super-powers on him yet again, but I remembered something my master once told me… "He who is taller than you cannot be poked." Words to live by, really.
Ulong? How about U-lose, that would be a more appropriate name for this tribe. It seems like all we can do is lose, lose, lose. After losing our gazillionth challenge, we managed to lose our way in the woods in the middle of the night as well. I bet if we were trying to find our way to Tribal Council instead of that cave, we could have made it there blindfolded with our hands tied behind our backs – I mean, God knows we’ve been there enough times. Life is miserable at camp, our morale sucks, and I was so cold today that I had to resort to putting my clothes on, much to my chagrin. I couldn’t believe Ibreallycantswimhem single-handedly lost that reward for us. I would have loved to have scarfed down that beef stew and showed stinky Koror a mouthful of chewed-up goodness at tribal council. Bleh! But no, thanks to Mark Burnett’s stupid immunity twist, I knew I was a goner right away. I thought ditching ol’ Ibby was a done deal or I wouldn’t have run off at the mouth. Oh well. At least Steph and I showed them that girls rock! And, I am going home with a wicked tan. The first thing I’m going to do when I get home is shave. Oh, who am I kidding?
When you haven't had much food and you're as skinny as I am to begin with, even the slightest bit of champagne can yield surprising results. That is to say...I'm still a bit giggly at the moment. Hee! *hic* However, the good thing about a loss of inhibition is that it helps you realize that you possess skills you never even knew you had. For example...did I know a week ago that I am a superb baritone soloist? No. But I am! Now, the rest of the tribe, even though they all got to hear my debut aria, "We're Not Eating Clam Tonight", does not yet realize my amazing talent...but they will, once they see Survivor: The Off-Broadway Musical. Wanda and I will be the leads, of course, Janu can be a dancer, and Coby can be in charge of hair and make-up. I've got it all figured out, man! Oh, even though we smooshed Ulong in the challenge once again, we had to vote out one of our members as well. Now, this is a tribe full of winners, but let's face it--Willard is the oldest, most invisible winner around. Ahem...I think I feel a song coming on: Farewell, old Willard, with your wizened fu manchu; we'll miss you, sure, but at least we got beef stew!
It was hard to say goodbye to Willard tonight at Tribal Council – he was a good friend. After all, he even offered to let me into his pants, I think! Thanks buddy, but I’m not that desperate. I didn’t raise much of a stink and voted with the tribe, because it is best to lay low for now. I can’t lay too low, being the social butterfly that I am. Look, I gotta be me. If it comes back to bite me in the butt, so be it. There’s worse things than being bitten in the butt, you know. When Gregg approached me to be in a secret Final Four alliance with him, I can’t say I was surprised. He’s had his eye on me since the beginning, and I noticed he kept bumping up against me in the reward challenge. I knew my performance at the last immunity challenge would turn some heads. Gregg just wanted to be sure he got to me first and I don’t blame him. Oh yeah, Jen and Janu are part of the alliance as well. I love that the game is starting to get good, and I can’t wait to see Tom and Ian go down in flames. Let the scheming begin! Buwahahaha!
I believe in backing my people even if it might cost me my life. In return, I expect them to do their jobs. That’s why I was so disappointed in Willard. All I asked was that he keep the fire stoked through out the night. Because he failed to carry out his duty, I had to get up in the middle of the night and do it. I was disappointed at the reward challenge to learn that no matter how superbly we performed, both tribes would be going to tribal council. I’m not a sushi kind of guy but I recognize a sake bottle when I see one. That’s why I was able to complete my turn at the challenge so fast. Pulling everyone back in was just like a day on shift. After we got back and celebrated at the beach, I made sure my rock solid alliance was all on board with the plan to vote out Willard. I considered it akin to a mercy killing. Next to Ian, I trust Gregg the most. After the vote went just as I planned, we got to enjoy our reward. The stew was almost as good as the stew Pappy serves up back at the firehouse. I miss the guys almost as much as I miss my family. It’s so nice to have a surrogate son like Ian here.
I’m beginning to wonder why I haven’t been privy to any alliance forming meetings. All I hear are whispers, and they’re not the whisper in your ear, get you hot and bothered for thirty more days until you see your husband kind of whispers either. Well, if Tom whispers in my ear I suppose I could hatchet off a few days of waiting. For now I’m relegated to spend my days with Willard who suddenly seems to be looking at me and talking to me differently. I mean, he’s actually talking. It must be that hammock. I definitely have to get me some of that
love swinghammock, preferably after Tom has slept in it so I can smell his garlicky body odor in the morning. Speaking of Willard: somehow Gregg has assumed that Willard and I are old college chums. Ha! No way. I’m booting his ass as soon as can and I need to get my way in to some sort of an alliance. I think the younger girls are jealous of my mature, yet firm and petite figure. Bitches! So, it’ll be off to the guys to squirm my way in. I can always bring up my unusually boy-looking haircut and ask them how they are able to keep their hair so healthy and shiny-looking in this sun. Tribal Council was pretty cool. I loved getting to vote for immunity…but that stew made my taste buds melt. I swear my tongue was doing back flips, all the while pretending to act humble in front of Ulong. What can I say? I’m that good.
This survivor gig isn't that bad. I flex my muscles during the challenges, and then lay low for the rest of the time. This strategy has been working great for me, but Jeff put a spotlight on me at the tribal council when he brought up that Jen and I were getty cuddly with each other. I tried to play it off, by pointing out that Ian and Tom have been pretty close themselves. That brings me to another dilemma. Those two are getting to be pretty tight. That's not good for me. It's time to put my plan in motion, and get a secret alliance going on the side. Coby has been making googly eyes at me since we got here, so it was easy convincing him to join my alliance. When the time comes, my secret alliance I will take out Ian and Tom. Ha!...I'm such a genius! Those two guys are nice and all, but there's only room for one cute couple in this island.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Cali, Eny, Feifer, Ilikai, John, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Miss Filangi, oneTVslave, Phat32, Roseskid, Shazzer, Silverstar, Spegs, Speedbump, Texicana, and Wolf