Previously on Survivor.
Now, I’m going to be straight with you, I haven’t really been paying a whole lot of attention. I do know that Ashlee was booted, which is really all the official business of the episode taken care of.
As is customary, be begin the show at the beach of the last tribe to visit TC, which was apparently Ulong. So, there’s something else I learned about last week’s show right off the bat.
The breaking news at Ulong is that losing sucks and they can’t afford to do it anymore.
So, that’s the plot blown within the first two minutes.
Ulong will lose the immunity challenge. I don’t need Foreshadowing to turn up in a leather mini skirt and spangly boobtube to show me that, but thanks anyway FS, I appreciate the sentiment.
For Kim, worse than the horror of actually losing another challenge is the prospect of facing Jefferson Probst and his probing questions.
Kim – “He’s so trunky we should call him Jeff Probes”.
Ok, ok, she didn’t say that, but God she’s so deadly dull I was just trying to sass her up a little and a stray pun is often an excellent tool for the purpose.
Instead, she decides to gripe about the abject cruelty of Probst questioning the purity of her relationship with his namesake. Ok, she didn’t actually say that either, she just whined on, but to her credit she didn’t use a baby voice and didn’t say that he was just jealous. Not that that will win her any points with me. Not that she’s trying to win any points with me, but you know what I mean.
Anyway. Jeff is apparently way off base in even suggesting that the late night, early morning, midday etc. cuddling is about anything other than the mutual retention of body heat. Strategy? That’s what other people do. Hopefully.
James is less convinced of the platonic nature of their relationship.
It starts out with cuddling, moves on to sucky-facin’ (?), next thing you know they’re breedin’ and they ain’t even related.
It does that a lot apparently.
Four days into their stay on the island and the shelter is leaving a lot to be desired on account of there not being much of a roof to speak of, a dirt floor and no sides.
It’s more of a concept than a physical entity.
Coby laments the oft-ignored downside to winning immunity challenges, you can’t vote anyone off. The fact that this means no one can vote him off either seems lost on a Coby baying for blood and a chance to show his catty side.
There are more pressing things than strategy to worry about at Koror though and the tribe soon turns it’s collective attention to shoring up the shelter in the hope that it might actually shelter them.
The likeness between Katie and Jenna Lewis was remarked upon before the season began.
Unfortunately we get to see that the likeness goes beyond the physical when she begins to tell everyone exactly how the shelter should be made and then point out that she won’t be doing any of the work herself.
Katie’s behaviour over the past seven days have begun to annoy Caryn to such an extent that she feels the need to perform the patented Survivor “suicide” maneuver # 3 – The Heated Confrontation.
She marches over to Katie, tells Katie to stop telling her what to do and runs off before Katie can respond and thus creates her own amendment to the maneuver, “The Heated Confrontation – with added Chicken S***”.
Unwilling to let the matter drop entirely, Katie manages to corner Caryn and comment on her verbals at which point Caryn appears to meekly fold in her presence.
How terribly disappointing.
The most notable aspect of the entire segment is that, depending on the light, Caryn’s bikini top can appear either black or dark purple and she appears to have two buffs, rather than the regulation one.
If you ever need to a lawyer to uphold your civil rights you’d be wise to lose Caryn’s number, or you’d be apologizing to the police for denting their nightsticks with your skull. Oooh, I got political and now everyone feels uncomfortable.
Let’s press on!
Without prior warning we find ourselves at challenge beach where Jeff points out to Koror that Ashlee was voted out.
Blank looks are replaced by nods of recognition making it clear that Jeff did the universal cupped hands to the chest sign off camera to indicate whom he was talking about.
He surveys the group and points out something that we at home are all too acutely aware of, the Survivor’s look raggedy, meaning it’s time to win sewing supplies.
While I do consider this a reward to us all, so tired am I of seeing the fuzzy nudity blob already this season, why not just let them win a article or two of their own clothing?
Why must we be subjected to this charade of seeing them swaddling themselves in loosely tied lengths of fabric again this season?
Just go into their bags and take a couple of items each and let them play for that.
You’ve already raided their luggage to get the shoes, so don’t bother going all ethical about rummaging through someone else’s personal effects. You own these people Burnett, you know it and we know it.
Jeff tries to validate the sewing kit reward by mentioning that the array of implements could be used for other purposes. I see scissors, which the resourceful Survivor’s will likely utilize for the purpose of cutting.
There’s probably a thimble, so that’s thumb protection all sewn up (ba domp bomp) and some kind of thread, meaning all threading needs are likely to be fully serviced. Beyond that I’m doubting we’ll see a whole lot of invention or any real clothing.
The game is simple. Jeff will release a life ring from the ocean floor and a player from each tribe will have to try and retrieve it and swim back to their pontoon.
First player with one hand on the pontoon while holding on to the life ring gets a point.
First team to three points wins.
Standard Queensbury’s apply, no kicking, biting, etc. the throwing of dirty looks and insults is permitted. But beware cautions Jeff, the holding of grudges come voting time is also permissible. Of course if someone takes the Lis Filarski approach to voting it’ll all come down to whether they intend to give money to charity rather what they did in the game anyway. Yes, I am still a little bitter about that.
Koror decides to sit out their aging attorney duo of Willard and Caryn, despite there being no guarantee they’d have had to take a turn at this challenge, condemning the team to include them in the IC.
Jeff steps up to take the first stab for Ulong with Tom easing into his natural leader role and taking the first run for Koror.
On his “Go’, Jeff pings the first life raft onto the surface and Tom and Jeff barrel into the water.
Tom lets puppy dog eagerness get the better of him as he ploughs toward the ring, while Jeff is content to hold back and let Tom swim the extra meters.
For all his hotness and yes, I do believe he possesses it in abundance, Tom ain’t all that bright. He decides to slip the ring round his waist, making it all the easier for Jeff to drag both him and the ring to the pontoon. Tom simply offers up a mild thrashing in response with the sole purpose of removing himself from the ring.
Some mild tussling follows and Jeff ultimately claims the first point for Ulong.
Steph steps forward for Ulong and nameless blond who I didn’t realize was still in the game takes her mark for Koror.
I’d love to call her Shirley for the purposes of this recap, but I did catch Jeff call her Jen, so that it’ll have to be.
This fight is far more spirited with dunks and splashing and everything. Jen puts up a more of a challenge than I’d have credited her capable of, but Steph makes it 2-0 for Ulong. Being called Shirley would have given her that extra push to succeed, imo.
Jeff decides to change things up and calls for a male and female from each tribe to race the third heat.
Sticking steadfastly to her decision to do nothing, Katie allows Janu to participate for Koror, along with Gregg while Angie and Gregg’s leaner, more tanned and Southern counterpart, Bobby-Jon, take part for Ulong.
I have to say, I was expecting a little more from a Vegas Showgirl.
Sure, I’ve never seen one in the flesh, but Janu disappoints me greatly.
How stimulating can it possibly be to watch a showgirl when your overwhelming urge is to lob Buffalo wings at her?
How she manages to dance on 50 calories a day is beyond me. Sustaining the permanently painted on smile alone must take upward of 45. Frailty, thy name is Janu.
She’s only been there a week and already her hair looks like limited edition Halloween cotton candy.
Once Jeff releases the ring the game is on.
Angie would have made light work of dunking Janu even if she hadn’t been repressing four years of high school cheerleader led taunts about her weirdness.
Janu counters by fussily jabbing at the water and throwing a harsh stare in Angie’s general direction. **Shudder**
Janu swallows a mouthful of water and effectively doubles her body weight leaving her sluggish for the remainder of the challenge.
She locks onto Angie with her dark, soulless eyes and winds her face into the kind of menacing grimace that would make a Chihuahua think they could take her.
Angie, unscathed by the stare turns her attention to Gregg, whom she proceeds to dunk repeatedly. Each submersion is payback for a jock that assumed she was a lesbian just because she presented her pits in their natural state.
Ulong makes it point number three and they take home the reward while Gregg nurses his dented pride and a half-dead Janu gasps for breath back among their team.
Back at camp, the Ulongers survey the spoils of the challenge and instantly come up with non-sewing uses the sewing kit can but put to. The needles and thread could be used to catch fish, but then so could the fishing gear they won last week.
In confessional, Ibrehem assures those that had not been able to conclude unassisted that he isn’t a seamstress.
You can tell just by looking at the guy that he’s a “slash”. Waiter/actor, waiter/model, waiter/actor/model.
It’s rare that anyone is ever anything, slash seamtress.
There’s work to be done around camp, so Bobby-Jon begins by catching a few minnows, that he’s sure will impress the others. I present to you a man who has fully embraced the “size doesn’t matter” lie. Did I say lie? No, it’s absolutely true.
Back on shore he goes about coconut collecting while the rest of the tribe work on putting the work:arse-sitting ratio back in favour of the arse.
Kim does manage to stand beside him yapping out the obvious as he snaggles coconuts and barks one-word answers to her stupid questions.
He’s not tired, he is mad and he knows he nearly got one then.
Kim confesses that Bobby Jon should slow down a little and take the odd nap, aka, the Sarah Jones tactic. If he keeps working at this rate he won’t be able to make up for her shortcomings in future challenges.
We head off to Koror, where things are running much more smoothly. They might just be mooching aimlessly along the shore, but they’re doing it as a team.
Tom happens upon a stripey poisonous snake and just like anyone who would think getting into the life ring was a great strategic move, decides their best course of action is to jab at it and kill it.
I assume that’s what the snake returns later in the scene in bits, but I didn’t watch.
Call me a sentimental old fool of you will, but I have no desire to see a creature butchered on my TV screen, so I turned away and can thusly convince myself that, sensing the snake was at the end of it’s long illustrious life it was euthanized due to a terminal health issue. Unlikely I know, but I’m the one pouring red paint over Gisele Bundchen, not the one admiring her red lacey underwear/fur coat ensemble, so I shall delude myself as necessary to get through the episode.
Having humanely dispatched of more than one snake, the tribe then spot a couple of sharks and decide to make them their next prey and set about snagging them with sharpened sticks.
Yes, sharpened sticks.
Jaws would hardly have rated a sequel had Dreyfuss merely been required to wade crotch-deep into the ocean and gently throw a stick at his prey.
The snakes become shark bait. Ingenious, yet very unlikely to succeed in my albeit limited, ok, non-existent, shark-hunting experience.
Sharpened to a point barely severe enough to cause localized bruising.
The most they could have hoped for was momentary disorientation if the stick managed to connect with an eye.
The sticks weren’t even sharp enough to pierce the surface tension of the water.
They’d have had a better chance of success poking the sharks with their fingers.
Can sharks laugh? If they can they surely were.
“See yah guys, thanks for supper”.
“If I saw a shark in Long Island I’d run out of the water, here I see one and run in”, remarks Tom. I have no doubt he was trying to make a point about how desperation leads you to take risks, but after the life ring thing he just looks kinda stupid again.
Jeff comes a bumbling along the beach and injures his ankle.
In order the make himself sound more manly and athletic he claims it’s just an old injury revisited by his inability to dodge a stray coconut perfectly camouflaged on the same waiting to attack him. Anyone buying this coconut story?
The following morning he’s made the decision to go with the injury and has developed an exaggerated limp. Always pays to show your versatility, you never know when a casting agent is watching. If he hadn’t juggled corndogs at the state fair the last casting agent he encountered would never have selected him to be on Survivor.
Pays to be on your game at all times.
Despite his assurance that he’ll be keeping his foot elevated as a precautionary measure, he does hobble off to collect tree mail and is horrified by what awaits him.
Ok, he wasn’t but come on, this show has been another dull one hasn’t it?
I add these little drama’s in to amuse myself more than anything.
He is however, mildly distressed that the challenge will be physical, although I have to say I wonder if he’d be any more effective in a purely mental challenge.
I’ll go out on a limb and say probably not much. Just a hunch.
He does assure us in confessional that he’ll do whatever he can to help the team, wants to lead them to the end of the game yada, yada and thrice yada.
So, we already know they’ll lose and now we know Jeff will play a minor role in the challenge and likely a major role in the loss. Foreshadowing really will have to smarten up if he wishes to fool us in future.
As soon as the contestants file into the challenge area it becomes apparent that Mark Burnett has once again ignored my “ping-pong to the death” immunity challenge suggestion email.
Sure, it’s brutal, but there would be no need for tribal council that night and no chance of the likes of Scout slip-sliding her way into the top three.
It’s a clear winner.
Instead, we have more traditional fare, a race of sorts, that has the potential to go on nearly as long as the ping-pong challenge but doesn’t allow Jeff to have the evening off.
The teams will start on opposite sides of an oval track in the water and race to see which can catch the other first. Lest the challenge run on into the night, the teams will be roped together and each team member will carry a backpack containing 20lbs of sand.
If you are forced through your own feebleness to give up, you must give your bag of sand to someone else and thus condemn yourself to their icy stares and potential death threats for the remainder of your miserable stay in the game.
Hmmm, this does actually sound quite promising.
As you will recall, foreshadowing has already deuced up his appearances this week so we already know that 1) Jeff will not do well in this challenge and 2) Ulong will lose.
Foreshadowing interpretation in Burnett productions is an exact science.
As we know, Caryn and Willard have to take part, so Janu the frail and Shirley will sit this one out.
Jeff gets the challenge underway and immediately “other Jeff” unropes and passes his sand bag off to a teammate. Caryn begins to mew helplessly as soon as she’s knee deep in water and quickly passes her bag to Tom. Willard drops put spoon after and Kim takes a literal dive for Ulong so she can go and stock up on some quality non-strategic groping with Jeff.
The teams are soon down to four-four and we enter the tedious stage of the proceedings, as we see them circle the track over and again each tribe making up any distance the other gained on them each time they pass through shallower water.
We see beads of sweat dance on Ibrehem’s forehead, puffing and blowing from the various foot soldiers and a distressed about to cry look on Coby’s face that precedes his retirement from the challenge. James is next to quit for Ulong and the teams are down to three-three.
The tribe mates who dropped out of the challenge earlier have the audacity to look shattered on the sidelines and Angie’s naked right boob is such a presence in her every shot that it should be issued with it’s own buff…PLEASE!!!
The Koror begin to eat away at the gap between the tribes by outing in short spurts of activity for which Ulong has no effective response.
The gap closes completely and the challenge ends with Ian pouncing upon Ibrehem. Tom also makes a completely redundant lunge as Jeff has already called the challenge in Koror’s favour.
Pre T-C Scramble.
Back at camp, the Ulongers are corralled into a tight grouping by Jeff, who feels compelled to make with a pep talk.
He wants the tribe to go to the end, go long and he’ll punt to them or something…
Anyway, with his current coconut induced ankle injury he doesn’t see himself as an effective part of the team for three weeks.
Three weeks? Steph agrees with me that the three-week assessment of the injury’s healing time seems a little steep, but Jeff will not be dissuaded from his decision to offer himself up as a sacrificial boot for the sake of the team.
Some may call that honourable, I’m calling “Osten” on him. Sure, he has an injury and Osten didn’t, but he’s asking to be voted out and that’s Ostenish enough for me, just to a lesser degree. Maroon him on an ice-flow, I say.
So, with Jeff willing to off himself the decision only remains as to whether the tribe should comply. Angie, right boob still displayed, informs Bobby Jon that she will vote Jeff off, he says she shouldn’t.
As they return to the main group, carrying bundles of firewood in their arms, Bobby draws Angie’s attention to Jeff and Kim, but my only though if of tree mark scuffing her permanently exposed nipple. BJ cites Jeff’s ability to slice a coconut in half with a single swipe and Kim’s ability to stand beside him giggling as the very reasons why they should and shouldn’t be kept around, in that order.
Angie gives him the patented “we’ll see”, clearly indicating she has no intention of voting for anyone other than Jeff. Mark Burnett sits back in his chair, smugly assuring his arrogant self that the viewers are suitably baffled by his editing. Which we’re not…at all.
As soon as the tribe is seated, Jeff grills Ibrehim about their collective crappiness.
Abraham cites the tribe’s lack of Jeffiness as their downfall.
Bobby Jon counters that it’s their lack of Tomness that did them in.
Tom is, and I quote “a man among men”.
More accurately he’s a man among a seven-foot dolphin trainer, a vanilla businessman and Coby, but I do get BJ’s point.
Ibrehim argues back that Tomtasticness was not the reason Koror had the edge and shores up his point by reminding BJ that he was actually carrying one more bag than Tom and two more bags than him. I added that last bit. Ibrehim may be a “slash” but he’s not stupid enough to point out he’s twice BJ’s size yet only lugged half the load.
After a rambling discussion of his situation, during which he fails to make a point and gets called on it by host Jeff, Survivor Jeff confirms that the tribe will be stronger without him.
Yeah, I call it like I see it. QUITTER!!!!!!!
Oh, I know Jeff fans that you’ll call me harsh. I know you’ll ask “could you do any better?” Yes, I could, but we’ll never know. I’m not American, I don’t live in America and I don’t go to Belly so will never be cast for the show anyway.
Kim seems close to tears at this point, so like a good host Jeff moves in for the “kill” to grill her re her uselessness.
Apparently, the fact that everyone else is better than her is really showing her up.
If they weren’t so good, she wouldn’t look nearly so bad and if they tried a bit harder she wouldn’t have to keep coming back to Tribal Council.
She might have just out-Princessed the Morasca.
Jeff sends the Survivor’s off to vote and tally’s their scratchings.
His namesake gets his wish to ride the boat to Quitsville, it’s not like he could walk with that leg of his.
Next time on Survivor –
Time to meet the Ambassadors.