Welcome to the third edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Palau! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
I am woman hear me roar! I am tired of biting my tongue, pretending to play nicey-nice. I know this puts a big red target on my back- I’m not that stupid. Years of practicing law has taught me how to pick my battles and win. That’s why I confronted Katie away from the others. She’s got a case of diarrhea of the mouth and I was this close to giving her a Maalox cocktail in the form of my fist. Ugh, she’s so annoying! The other’s know that as well, which is why I’m not too concerned if she goes running back to tattle on me. It’ll just make her more of a target and take less heat off me. The sun was brutal at the RC. I thought I could last longer. Alas I couldn’t, so I was relegated to the sidelines to watch Tom’s chiseled pecs jiggle and bounce in the waves. He’s not that bad after all. I think I might have to make my move and form an alliance with him. It seems like he and I are the only ones thinking ahead to the merge.
I am surrounded by
puwimps. I’ve had it with losing! I’m no loser. Didn’t I wrestle Koror Jen into submission at the reward challenge? That was one third of the work to earn the oh-so-useful sewing prize. (You know what would really be useful, Probst? Something a little more…ingestible.) Probst said we should be inventive about the way we used our reward—I think he was hinting around that maybe Angie could use the scissor blades to shave her pits. I did what I could at the immunity challenge, too. I kicked every other woman’s butt, and quite a few of the men’s. But the final three at Koror just had the right stuff. I salute them…and hope we shuffle the teams sometime soon. So it was back to tribal council for Ulong, and it was time for loverboy Jeff to get snuffed. I would’ve loved to kick his lazy girlfriend out…and to just plain kick her, really. But injuries don’t win challenges. We’ll miss your blighted buffness, Jeff.
I love animals, especially animals of the sea. I feel at one with their long, supple, tentacled bodies. That’s why it hurt so much to have to hunt them. But I had to help my tribe in some way, since I didn’t get a chance to use my porpoise-smooth physique in the reward challenge. Anyway, I apologized profusely to my little snake buddies before I whacked their heads off. I think, deep down, they understood. When my shark buddies came to investigate the snake carcasses, I tried to whack their heads, too, but they wouldn’t come close enough. I concentrated really hard, trying to channel Aquaman’s marine telepathy to lure them closer, and, at first, I thought it was working. I could hear this “wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh” sound and, in my reflection in the water, it almost looked like there were these little curved lines radiating from my head. But I guess it didn’t work because the sharks wouldn’t let me kill them. That’s too bad, because—my pretty gosh!—aquatic thought transference would rock! We totally owned the immunity challenge. Tom carried most of the weight, but ’twas my squid-like, undulating arms that tagged Ibrehem in the end.
I'm old skool. The Crocodile Hunter is okay, but when I was a kid, my pops and I would watch Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom together every week. Now that was a show. I always thought Marlin Perkins failed to exhibit true leadership skills by letting Jim risk life and limb by himself while Marlin calmly narrated. That's why I joined in the heat of the action with my guys Ian and Gregg in killing the poisonous snakes and then trying to spear a shark. On reflection, not the brightest thing I've ever done. As a lieutenant, it's my job to watch out for the safety of my people. But, dang the company's all getting hungry. We're talking "all you can eat buffet" hungry. I don't want my people wearing down so it seemed worth the risk at the time. During the immunity challenge, I led the company to victory again. I took Caryn's bag almost immediately. I ended up with 60 lbs on my back which was nothing. I carry that much every time I fight a fire. I came up with a strategy of dashing every time us three manly and gangly men hit the shallow end. Then I called out a cadence to keep us focused. In the end, we prevailed. What's that thing with white rings on my back? It looks a lot like a dartboard.
I couldn’t believe my good fortune when I got the call that I was a finalist for Survivor. Being a showgirl, it’s obvious that I love the spotlight, and in my opinion, there is no such thing as too much exposure…I live for it. But I’m also very familiar with the Survivor strategy of flying under the radar, and that’s exactly what I plan on doing. My plan is to be invisible…a chameleon, if you will. It’s working quite well with everyone, but Angie. Apparently her tatoos give her some kind of powerful x-ray vision, because she can see me. I thought she was literally going to drown me during the RC. Thankfully she’s not on my team. At the IC, I even put some leaves on my shoulder to help with my camouflage. It worked, too, because I sat out the challenge. Forget the tagline, “can you hear me now?” My motto is, “can you see me now?” There will be no target on my back. Yep, my plan is working juuusssst fine.
Our team really needs some direction, and I am just the woman to take care of this. I’m very good at delegating, and Caryn especially needs guidance. She can’t do anything right…whether it’s throwing a stick in the fire, or adding leaves to the roof of our shelter. Here I am just trying to help her do things correctly, and before I know it, she begins to verbally attack me. For no reason. But I showed her, I laughed in her face. Ha! I made sure she knew I do not like people yelling at me, but these people need me. I’m very glad I was there when the guys were whacking the snakes, because I’m not sure they could have done it right without me. My place is very secure in this tribe, because they know they’re lucky to have me.
Do you know what tastes good with venomous snake? Ketchup. Too bad we don’t have any, it would make a really nice and nutritious afternoon snack. When Ian asked me to cut up a piece of the snake for shark bait, I thought he was out of his mind. I could’ve expressed my discontent with him but I preferred to stick with my "so UTR that they think I’m not playing the game" strategy. So I did what was asked of me but I did give him the eyebrow of doom. The kids I take care of know that’s the sign that I’m not happy and they will get a time-out. I still like to cuddle with Gregg but I don’t speak to him. I just give him the eyebrow of approval. It’s all about proper communication. I still think I’m prettier and better than Stephenie. Gregg poochie-doodle said so. I nodded.
First I feel the need to publicly thank Christina Aguilera for inspiring my fashion look for the island. I look pretty stupid, but I get the stares I need to build me up. Reward challenge was fun, and things were looking pretty good until I had to drain the hose in the middle of the night. Bobby Joe left coconuts lying on the beach and I twisted my ankle. I figured if I lay in a canoe for a while I'd get better in time for the Immunity challenge. I was wrong, the old RICE saying is right (Rest, Ice, Compress, Elevate) LICE doesn't work so well (Lay In Canoe Eternally). This was the reason I had to opt out immediately at the Immunity Challenge. I knew I was no good to the rest of the tribe so I asked to be voted out. For a split second at Council I thought I’d have to stay and it actually made me happy to think that they thought I was worth more to the tribe as a gimp than Kim is. But yeah, it was time for me to go and I did. I wish my team luck though, it looks like they will need it.
I’m finally feeling accepted by my tribe, and Bobby Jon, especially. Ya know, those country boys usually aren’t my type, but he’s starting to look pretty good right about now. Its just a relief to have someone in my corner after having been chosen last - and it feels good to be appreciated for something other than my wicked tattoos. Man, he and I made a totally badass team in the reward challenge! We totally kicked butt, especially after I grabbed that scrawny Janu and held her underwater until she went limp in my hands. I don’t think she liked it too much, but too bad! Maybe next time she’ll be sure I get picked for her tribe. We were stylin’ after winning the sewing stuff, even though yellow isn’t really my color. Since I don’t really need my nudity strategy anymore, I don’t mind covering up for special events like Tribal Council. But I have to admit, I’ve kinda gotten to like letting my girls hang out and flap in the breeze. Plus, I’d hate for fuzzy-blob-editing guy to get fired on my account.
What is up with this tribe? I mean, this is day 7 and we are still living in a leaky shelter. I decided to get some things done around camp, but it seems like some people just want to stand around and make pointless suggestions. *cough*Katie*cough* At least my minion, Caryn, tried to help out before stupid Katie pushed her over the edge. I’m glad that it was Caryn who went off on her and not me. Now is not the time to draw negative attention to oneself. I would have loved to have won some new dud-making materials in the reward challenge, but alas - it was not to be. I miss my pink shirt. *sniff* At least we won immunity, which really matters. Although, honestly, I wouldn’t mind if we got rid of a couple of people, you-know-what-I’m sayin’? I really tried to use my Zen-like way of thinking to plow through the pain of the challenge, but the heat got the better of me. Thank God my old-folks alliance of Caryn and Willard were there for me. Willard even gave me a neck massage as I lay in the water to cool down. That old geezer is actually not too bad with his hands – I hope he sticks around awhile.
Forget seein' Graceland, forget catchin' the tournament-winnin' bass -- my new Mission in Life is to get rid of Kim. That lazy bitch is just coastin' along on her little boy-toy's coattails. She can't run fast, she don't work, all she's got keepin' her in this game is her
sexi sexicalsexiality. Her wimmin stuff. Well, that kinda thing only earns you one ally, but lots of enemies. And I'm here to tell you, ol' James is gonna make damn sure her coastin' days is over. I got ears like a bat, arms like a monkey, legs like a kangaroo and -- I been told once by a lady-friend in Tijuana -- a wing-wang like one of your smaller breed of horse. I can out-work, out-hear, and out-march-through-the-water-with-sand-on-my-back ol' one-trick-wonder Kim. She goin' down. Ok, so it might not have happened this week, but, see, that's part of my plan, man. Ol' Jeff ain't around to watch her back no more. He ain't around to vote for me again neither, is he, the dang sumbitch. That took me plumb by surprise. I mean, I'm just a dumb ol' country boy, I ain't no threat. Can't you tell by my accent?
Visons of Angie, or Freakzilla as I like to call her, coming out of the water in slow motion and attacking me during the RC still make me break out in a cold sweat at night. I tried to get her off of me, but she was as strong as an ox. The more I think about it the more I realize that Angie was just trying to touch my manly body. I feel so violated. That's it. Freakzilla is going down. I must regain my strength in order to bring down that pasty monster and her friends. Who better than to go hunting for food than with my two pals, Tom and Aquaman. We saw our lunch all nicely coiled up on the rocks. It didn’t matter to us that the snakes were venomous, and are known to cause cardiac arrest, coma, or even death to those that get bitten. Not sure how I know that since I‘m a business consultant, but all I know is that I wanted me some snake-a-bobs. Of course, we saw something bigger and went for it instead. Ian and Tom used the snakes as baits to lure in the sharks, but it was all in vain. We ended up with no snakes and no sharks. That's okay. We’ll go hunting another day for an even more dangerous animal. The IC was tough, but Tom, Ian, and myself kicked it into gear, and caught up to the other team. The immunity idol was ours once again. Ahh….sweet revenge. Now it’s your turn to have nightmares about me, Freakzilla. Or maybe not. She might like them.
Who am I? Why am I here? I was asked (along with Caryn) to sit out the reward challenge, even though I looked forward to giving some whippersnapper a shiner he would never forget. You don't get to be the world's only 200-year-old man without learning a few tricks, you know! Then, I bowed out of the immunity challenge. The most I did in this episode was carry the immunity idol to the beach. You didn't hear a word out of my mouth the entire episode. I'm flying so far under the radar I'm not even a blip. Sssh! Stop looking this way, or they may notice me! I'm just biding my time, you see. My plan is to get all Shaolin on them, creep up, and bang! Pop out of a coconut and stick a spear in someone's eye when they least expect it...
Me and James and Angie are the only ones doin' anything in this tribe. I laughed my hind end off watchin' Angie dunk that showgirl in the reward challenge , then take on that other guy. I am gettin' kinda tired of winnin' rewards and not the other challenges though. I was so mad when we still couldn' t rid ourselves of that lazy Kim. It's too bad Jeff didn't hurt his self bad enough to be taken away, and then we still coulda dumped her useless butt. Jeff with no legs still woulda been better than her for the camp. I think that there Tom is amazin'. Maybe I should be a fireman.
I could watch Jeff handle his coconuts all day. *sigh* He's a downright wizard with his sausage-y good man-fingers. The way he grips his machete, the way he coaxes the flesh out of a plantain, the way he plays find-the-freckle on my tiny, toy-breed body! *sigh* So uh duh, tribe, we're just friends! Morons. And Probst can take one of those oars and submerge that sucker right into his....island! I don't need no steenking image of Jeff and I as an entwined, moaning, luv burrito to be flashing before everybody's eyes that's why we do everything in the dark. And now, just because of a little, hobbled ankle, my baby's going home! No!! Who will
save my asshold me now? Who's gonna play hide-the-plantain? But everybody seems to think I need to be taught and fleshy like that freakin' Tarzan, Bobby John, in order to make it. Well, news flash, people, I will never be a Tarzan! I'm Jane all the way. Small, wimpy, and in love with monkeys. I don't know what I'll do about this target on my back, but I'll be damned if I'm going down! My tribe can bite me. The chihuahau stands alone.
This week my sucky tribe once again screwed up in the immunity challenge and we lost one of our strongest players. I tried to be a strong, silent leader, but we just didn't stand a chance against Firefighter Tom. If I ever walk around in a square in the water carrying heavy weight, it will be too soon. I didn't even get a chance to try my hand at the one-on-one fight for the reward challenge. Who the hell needs a sewing kit anyway? It's not like I'm Besty Ross. I've got a hot body. Naked is fine by me. My master plan to fly under the radar and not really say anything to anyone the whole time while here was foiled when Jeff asked me a direct question during tribal council. Guess I'll actually have to speak in this episode.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Cali, Eny, Feifer, Ilikai, John, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Miss Filangi, oneTVslave, Phat32, Roseskid, Shazzer, Silverstar, Spegs, Speedbump, Texicana, and Wolf