Ok, this doesn’t make any sense. I’m sitting here at loser lodge… loser lodge!!. I am way to nice, fair, dependable, funny, young, good looking, and careful to be here. Let us take a look at the people left… Twila: A swear-on-my-son liar. Eliza: A You’re-Like-My-Big-Sister liar. Scout: An old-bag-jealous liar. Chris: A man-so-obviously a liar and Julie. Damn it.
I was doing pretty well after coming in second to Eliza at the reward challenge (I should have won especially since Eliza shouldn’t even have been there.) I got to go to the resort with her and Chris, and I knew…knew I could sweet talk that skinny little, car winning, worships me, girl. I even shared a bed with her (no worries Chrissy, you know I like me a little meat on the bones). I had her right where I wanted her, then even worked Chris for a while.
We get back to camp and Eliza hangs out with Julie and me. We play beauty parlor and have a great time. I still wanted immunity mind you, but I wasn’t quite as worried. I sucked at the lame shuffle board game and Chris wound up winning. I started to worry a little then, but Eliza worships me. She loves me. I’m like her big sister. Everything had to be alright.
Well, I was wrong. I’m not going to blame Eliza, we all know it somehow has to be Chris’ fault. He is a man after all.
I’m loving all the bitterness that is pouring out of Ami. We brought her down from her high horse, but she’s fighting hard to get back on.
Right now, things are going good for me. But they would be so much better if I won the Reward Challenge. The food and hot shower are a lot better rewards than that Pontiac car . I tell you there are some cheapos at ABC! Julie and I were head to head fighting for 3rd place, and I asked her if she wanted it bad. She said yes. Awww…she thought I was just going to hand it to her. How sweeeeet. Girl, who do you take me for? A philanthropist. Please…I’m looking out for number one. I might not need the food as bad as you, but I need the shower more than anyone. My horrendous body stench is killing the wildlife around our camp. Hot shower, here I come!
I had good food and listened to good music. I was in total paradise. Too bad that she-man Ami ruined it by bringing up the game. She suggested that Eliza and I should split up Twila and Scout. Does she think I’m stupid? Well, I do look like a dufus, but that‘s beside the point. I had to reassure the skeleton…I mean….Eliza that if we change our plans now, we would not have a guaranteed spot in the final four.
Wooooo…..Victory! I’ve finally won the immunity challenge. Who would’ve thought that this man's man would beat the women at a non-physical challenge. When we got back to the camp, the women were all sharpening their claws. How I wished I had some popcorn so that I could enjoy the front seats to this alley cat fight.
I was a little nervous at TC because Ami was still trying to manipulate Eliza with her mushy hogwash. Eliza seemed to be falling for Ami’s mojo again, but I was so relieved when Jeff called out Ami as the next person voted out. I couldn’t help but to show my smugness towards the Queen of Smug herself. Go find your rainbow at Loser Lodge, you manipulative man-hater.
Ah, Ami. I love that girl like the sister I never had. She was so sweet to me, all the way up until she wrote my name with a funny little face on a ballot last week. Sisters, huh. Did I ever tell you about the time one of my sorority sisters stole my boyfriend so I peed in a cup and dumped it on the floor rugs of her car? Sisterly love can be fickle.
I have to laugh at winning the reward challenge. When Jeff drove up in that sedan, all I could say was, Ohmygod. They thought it was because I was so impressed, but really I was thinking Oh my God, it’s got nothing on my beemer. But what can you do? Ami gave out at the last second, so it would have been really obvious if I didn’t finish the course first. Yippee. I won the rent-a-car. Oh well, I can always give it to the housekeeper’s daughter.
But to be clean ... oh joy, oh heaven! It was worth sleeping in the same bed as Ami to be squeaky clean and on laundered sheets. And I’m not going to lie to you - I love it that everyone wants my vote all of a sudden. Yeah, I knew Ami and Chris were both working me in their own way, and I was soaking it up like a biscotti in my capp’. And when it came down to it, I told Julie the truth, that I enjoy spending time with her and Ami more than the old bagsey twins. But how can I pass up the opportunity to go to the final four with two physically challenged seniors? Sorry Ami. I hope you felt the sadness expressed in my poignant little sad smiley. *tittering*
Dudes...was I like..in this episode? It's like, no one hardly noticed me at all except when Twila said I was a princess and Ami was a queen. Oh man, total BURN!!! Wicked. I like, kind of sat around and just was, you know? I took time to just like.....be. If only we had the internet here again, I could totally tell my yoga instructor, RollerDuDe4 that I was all....namaste today. He'd be totally stoked and like, "suhweet, JulesluvsSugarRay, keep livin' in the now." I think it's a good time for me to step up my under-the-radar ways by workin' up my mime skilz. Like...if Twila were all like....lame again...and tried to like...psyche me out...I'd just get all quiet and pretend to be trapped in a box or somethin'. She'd be like...freaked out...and I'd look sooo COOL! Then I'd get my tight body on camera again without nudity (for a change), but still sneak by my island-sisters and brother. He he...*eyes spinning deliriously and hungrily*...yes.
Speaking of my island bro, what is UP with Chris psychin' me out in the reward challenge? We were like...floating in the water breathlessly and worn out, tied for 3rd, when he asked me, "you really want this?" and I'm like, "a duh!" and he's like, "like yeah, me too". What? So we both dove under water again in unison, almost like those synchronized swimmers in the Olympics. And we kept it up and kept it up until Chris out grandma-ran me to the post and won. It was all I could do to just collapse in the sand and remain mime-quiet and panting. And then...and then...and then...later he went and knocked my puck off the island in the immunity challenge! WHATever. At least he doesn't smell like wire coat hangers anymore.
I totally thought Eliza was down with me and Ami, especially after Ami came back smellin' all fresh and pretty. And then Eliza and I were on the beach, and we were talkin' strategy, and she was like, "wouldn't it be rad if Scout knew I was with you peeps?" and I'm like, "oh dude...she'd be PISSED!!" So I thought she was tellin' me that we were tight again. But no, man, when tribe time came...even though Eliza cried right along with Ami...she STILL voted off our friend! She's sooo sneaky. I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I think my number's up.
I’ll be honest; I’m sick and tired of losing in the challenges. This bum knee of mine slows me down to the point where it’s just humiliating. But not as humiliating as being voted off, right Ami?
I’m so glad to see that control freak leave. She acted awfully superior for someone that just makes coffee. Of course, I’m sure a barista isn’t just someone that makes coffee, but rather someone that makes coffee with an attitude. Tell me to get my own damned blanket? Well, I guess it’s mine now. Stick that in your Grande Soy Latte, honey.
But enough crowing - back to my thoughts on the challenges. I wish we could just have a water challenge without everything else added to it. You know, if we just had to drink it, that would be something I could compete in. I’d even be willing to rough it and forego a slice of lemon. Yep, then the Earth Momma would show these young ones a thing or two.
I don't know why everyone's so worked up 'bout me swearin' on my son's name last week. Ain't they ever seen Survivor before? After that little Jon runt a couple seasons back, you'd reckon they'd know not to trust anyone swearin' on their relatives. Besides, my son would sure rather I broke a promise I made on him, and come home with a million dollars. A. Million. Dollars. You don't see that kinda money in road work. Not unless maybe you work for the government.
So them little girls just need to get on over it. It's easy to say, "Oh, I'd never lie" when you're 20-something and your tatas don't sag and you don't have to. But you don't see Scout or Chris complainin'. (I did see a little bit of saggy man-boob on Chris when he first got out here. Why do you think Scout and I let him in our alliance?) We three didn't just start crackin' coconuts yesterday.
I'll admit, though, I was afraid the perky-tata-troupe would work their magic on Eliza. She and Ami and Julie sat around grooming each other like chimpanzees, and I knew that cocky Ami thought her mojo was back in full force. And I worried she might be right, that a few jerked-out-by-the-roots eyebrow hairs might be enough to win Eliza's vote. I could have trimmed all their eyebrows with my machete. My hands don't shake -- much.
But I figured I'd just sit back and see how the gravel shook out. And sure enough, that bony little motormouth came through. I didn't have much doubt, really. Ami might have tweezer-level fingernails, but what she doesn't know is, I tied a hunk of meat to my leg. Eliza couldn't help but follow my lead like a puppy. Yes sirree, Ami didn't reckon on Big T. She acted like she was better than me, just 'cause I have a tiny bit of an accent and don't look quite as good in a bathin' suit. Well, I fixed her wagon. And now that the queen bee is gone, it oughta be smooth sailin'. At the least, camp'll be a lot quieter.
Thank you to the following for contributing to the shadows this season: Bill, Bravo, cali, eny, Feifer, hepcat, Ilikai, Lobeck, Lucy, Manny, Miss F, Paulie, Shazzer, sher, spegs, Stargazer, Wayner, Wolf and Zaius.