When was the last time Steve Guttenberg was in a movie . . . that was actually shown in the theatre?
No, I don’t know either, but for those that haven’t watched last week’s episode of Survivor, it’s a question you might find more entertaining to ponder than watching the show.
As a kindness to Mark Burnett, I feel we should all totally embrace the “That Sue, she’s crazy, huh?” theory he’s tried to prove throughout the last two episodes.
It’s just polite.
We begin at post Hatch Mogo Mogo.
Jerri- “Hatch was trying to save himself, but I voted for him because Kathy told me too”.
Unfortunately it appears, that after their stint in Australia, Jerri learned more from Amber than Amber did from Jerri.
She joins Shii Ann and Kathy in a communal bathing session, where tactics are discussed.
Insulted that Colby didn’t tell her about the change of plan himself, Kathy voted Hatch off instead of Colby because she didn’t want to upset Lex. Got that?
The show got worse, believe me.
“Colby is the new Richard Hatch now”, claims Jerri.
Cool, get ‘em off cowboy.
Shii Ann, of course, realizes that Kathy has emerged as the tribe’s power-player.
“As long as people don’t realize that, then she’s a great player”.
She obviously means, people other than herself. By her calculations, she realized today, the rest should clue in by about day 36.
Over at Chapera, Rupert has decided to try and ease his bulky frame into the food provider role.
Tom watches Rupert construct a spear from leftovers from the Home Depot box.
Now, I thought Tom looked less than impressed to see Rupert as part of the tribe last week, but according to his confession, he likes him.
Chapera seems able to support two overweight, grizzly guys for the time being, particularly if one of them is catching fish.
Sue, meanwhile hacks maniacally at snails on the side of rocks nearby.
She refuses Rahb’s offer of help. They shouldn’t take them all anyway, she rationalizes, because then the other snails wouldn’t know where to go.
According to Sue, snails have a designated rock to cling to and she alone has cracked their communication code.
Satisfied with her morning’s haul, she prepares to take her leave from snail central.
She picks up her buff, where she has been storing her snails, only to see them fall out of the bottom, what with the buff being a tube and all.
Rahb is prepared to let Rupert stay as long as he continues to catch fish.
His confessionals are becoming more and more the “heading for a fall” variety.
Now, are we hearing all these comments from him because Burnett wants us to think he won’t win because he’s being cocky, or does it mean that because we think he won’t win he actually does?
If you decide to ponder this question, then feel free to stop thinking about the Steve Guttenberg one.
You’ll thank me for these petty diversions. They really do take your mind off the show.
We head back to the relative sanity of the Mogo camp, where Shii Ann has decided to confront Colby about his TC comments at lat night.
“Were you talking about me last night?” she enquires.
In short, Colby’s answer is yes, but he does expand to say he has no respect for her UTR strategy.
She confesses that she has no respect for his strategy either, or his perfect teeth or Captain America, errr, boxer shorts.
The sum total of the exchange is that she and he are not allies, which they weren’t technically before the conversation anyway.
We head back to Chapera, where Alicia and Amber silently smile while Rupert discusses the tribe numbers at a possible merge.
“We’re just sitting back and observing”, claims Alicia.
Way to take an active part in the game ladies.
While the rest of us might carry a lucky four-leafed clover, or put out bets on lucky 7, Sue is scouring the ground looking for a lucky coconut.
She selects one, shakes it ad as apparently a dull rattling is the sign of luckiness in coconuts, she’s satisfied. (Madness, I tell you.)
The talk soon turns to whom the Mogo’s will have kicked off.
Sue thinks the winners don’t deserve to be in the game.
That’s logical isn’t it?
People who won the game have no right to be in an All Star version of the show.
Indeed, Sue, winners schminners. Bring back Ghandia, Mitchell and Debb I say.
She vows to give hugs to each of the Mogo’s if they have voted off Rich.
Back from the break we once again find ourselves at the Chapera camp.
The snail scraping, lucky coconut-determining, hug promising Sue of yesterday has been replaced by the mopey Sue we see before us today.
“Why did he have to touch me? Why didn’t he just walk by?”
I don’t know Sue.
While she makes her way down to a rock free, sandy section of the beach, Alicia and Amber discuss the situation.
“She probably just wants to be alone”, concludes Amber, even as Alicia is making her way down the beach to talk to her.
“Being in Survivor makes your mind do crazy things”, claims Amber in a confessional Burnett will likely ask to be bought into evidence as defense exhibit 20 or so from this show.
“If she wasn’t playing Survivor then the situation might not have been such a big deal”, she continues.
Correct Amber. If you’re ever confronted by a naked guy on a balance beam in “real life”, you can generally just laugh it off.
It’s time to hear some male opinions of the situation though.
Rupert feels she could have handled the situation better, but as I feel he could have built the shelter better, I say his testimony should be stricken. Rob thinks you can’t screw around in a situation like this, much to Amber’s disappointment and Tom cannot empathize because he’s “not that woman”. It’s rather disturbing to think of Tom being any woman in my opinion.
Back at Mogo Mogo, Jerri decides that now would be the perfect time to start talking about all the food she is craving.
Lex politely listens, even manages a smile, while Kathy and Shii Ann lay in the shelter giving it the universal “yap yap yap” hand movement, while Jerri talks outside.
“I miss all the fish Hatch was catching”, comments Shii Ann, while looking completely unlikely to attempt to snag any herself.
Lex, on the other hand, is a fisherman of some skill.
He decides to take Ethan with him on an expedition, and frankly why wouldn’t you?
Even if you don’t catch any fish you still have something real pretty to look at.
Ethan perches on a rock by the ocean while Lex, brings home fish enough fish to form a hearty feast for the day.
“This is not his first rodeo”, says Colby with a knowing smile.
How many rodeos contain a fishing element, I wonder?
Of course, we cannot allow too many minutes to pass by before we head back over to Chapera.
Just in case you need another diversion from the tedium of the show, ponder this.
Now they are married and appear to have lost any individual identity they might once have had. Should Trista ofiicially change her last name to "AndRyan" and Ryan officially change his to "AndTrista"?
Amber and Jenna walk along the beach looking for a secluded spot to discuss tactics.
They mention Rupert, and considering the evidence we’ve seen of the brainpower of the two people in conversation, I am not 100% sure they realize he is walking along right behind them.
The three of them, along with Rob, find a suitable tree to take a sit under and begin to thrash out the particulars of an alliance.
Now, I am fully willing to believe that Rupert is a decent guy, but I have definite qualms about his ability to strategize in the game.
He and Jenna seem only too willing to align with the Rob and Amber, who appear to have a very easy time convincing them that they are vulnerable.
If you believe that Rob and Amber and vulnerable, you must be definition believe that Sue, Alicia and Tom are the Chapera power players. Come on now.
We return from the break with a “Parental advisory” warning on the screen.
Of course it would have been far more of a public service to screen a “boredom advisory”, after each break as far as I’m concerned.
Jerri and Lex collect the tree mail, which consists of the poem written on a generic bag of coffee beans. No love from Folgers obviously.
Jerri then makes the bizarre move of declaring her adoration for Lex, in what looked like a rather desperate bid to form an alliance.
Shamelessly throwing yourself at a man Jerri? How
Yes, of course we have to head off to Chapera now, where they are once again discussing food and Sues lack of interest in the game.
Of course they sympathize with her, of course they do, but they have a game to play and her incessant mopeyness is bringing them down. I feel their pain.
The Chapera stare over at the Mogo’s, eager to see who got the boot at the last T.C.
For the benefit if the less than cerebral Chapera’s, Jiff confirms that Hatch was sent on his way.
“Good move”, says Amber.
“I wanted to the decision the seal of approval”, she confesses, “but I never really understood why a decision was good simply because a seal said so.”
“So, Rich was sorta inappropriate at the IC, huh?” asks Jiff.
“Sorta”, confirms Sue.
“Any one have anything to say”, asks Jiff, innocently, at which point Sue launches on him.
Apparently, an act that was sorta inappropriate three seconds ago is , “No Jiff, it wasn’t sorta”. So it was sorta and now it’s not. That Sue, she’s crazy, huh?
Red faced, neck veins a poppin’ saliva flying, Sue proceeds to explain in no uncertain terms that the incident with Hatch left her, “dehumanized, sexually violated and totally spent”. Oh I say, she’s crazy isn’t she?
What, she’s leaving the game? The woman is barking.
“So, are you leaving then?” asks Jiff.
“Yah”, she replies.
Jiff then elects to ask the Mogo’s if they were aware of what happened.
No one did, except Colby, but Sue won’t let him speak either and cuts him off even as he seems set to offer her some support.
When Sue informs Jiff that even though Rich is out of the game she has no intention of staying, he calls in the quitter craft to whisk her away.
The Chapera women give her a hug, the men keep their distance. She walks by the Mogo tribe, no one steps forward with the offer of an embrace, before Jiff escorts her down the beach.
He does casually throw an arm round her shoulder, but is careful to maintain clear daylight between their bodies.
He sees her safely into the boat and she is taken away.
No Jenna edit for Sue though. No sad music, no extended sot of the boat bobbing along the surf while the quitter tosses her hair in the breeze like Kelly Ripa at a Women’s Home Journal shoot. No screen fading to black.
With computer graphics being as advanced as they are nowadays, MB could probably have had a tiny straightjacket drawn on her.
Jiff walks back up to the group and gives them the choice of what to do next.
They can play the challenge, winner takes all, or they can share the food and talk over the events of the past two minutes.
Jenna L decides they should “Kum by yah” the moment, by sharing the food and talking through any animosity between the tribes.
Kathy throws her head back, silently mocks the suggestion.
“No”, she says, ‘Let’s play”.
The Mogo’s want some fun, fortunately, that is exactly what Jiff promises this challenge will be.
Remember when Ethan and Lex went to Wamba during S3?
Ethan was playing hackey sack with the little village kids and when he left he let them keep the toy.
Only the soulless failed to fall in love with Ethan at that moment.
Well, this is the S8 version of the challenge he won in order to get that reward, i.e. “The Seesaw”.
The object is to fire items from one end of the seesaw into a basket 8 feet above it, by stomping on the adjustable plank.
Jiff details the rule that sends shockwaves through Shii Ann, “Each person will be responsible for getting one item in the basket”.
Jiff calls out the items, which incidentally would probably make a very nice desert in the right combination.
Sugar, a pineapple, oranges, mixed nuts, coffee and uh, beef, in a can.
Canned meat is to real meat as a “Swanson Hungry Man” dinner is to feeding a genuinely hungry man.
The reward brings squeals of delight, ta daaaaaa, shish kabobs.
Amber – “Shish kebabs”.
Shii Ann – “Shish kebabs”.
Jerri – “Shish kebabs”.
Anyone not get that?
In addition to the kebabs, the winners will also receive some barbequing equipment and un-seesawed copies of the items they had to shoot into the basket.
Amber celebrates with the kind of shoulder dance that produces embarrassed cries of “Motherrrrr!!!!” when your mom busts a move while chaperoning your 6th grade after school disco.
Tom and Ethan line up ready to run the first leg for their respective tribes.
A chant of “Mogo Mogo” breaks out among Ethan’s tribe mates.
A counter cheer of “here we go Tommy, here we go” breaks out among the Chapera.
Rob smiles smugly at the Mogo Mogo, confident his minions have come up with the more superior yell. Confrontation is so ingrained in the man you know he feels victorious even though he is gleefully clapping and singing along. The big girl.
On Jiff’s “Go”, Ethan and Tom run to their basket of items, Ethan grabs the pineapple, Tom the bag of oranges.
They are neck and neck as they stomp the seesaw.
Tom scores a hit on his first attempt and races back to the tag the next Chapera runner.
He decides to mock Ethan, who needs a second attempt and turns to shout something that I shall assume was “Ya’ll bin sleepin’ baybeeee” over his shoulder.
Is Tom trying to say he rigged up a seesaw to practice propelling goats into his top paddock in case All Star became more than just one crazy farm boy’s pipe dream?
Ethan is successful on his second attempt and races back to base, Shii Ann is off an running for her turn before he is even half way there.
Both Shii Ann and Jenna miss on their first attempt.
They shoot again, Shii Ann scores, Jenna misses again.
Jerri is up next for Mogo Mogo and sees her item balance on the edge of the basket for a few painful seconds, before falling back onto the beach.
Jenna, who is probably up to four or five tries at this point, looks to her tribe mates for advice, clearly struggling with the complicated instructions of, “place the item on one end of the plank and jump on the other.
“Slide the plank this way”, shouts Amber, flapping her arm to the right.
“Slide the plank this way”, shouts Rob, flapping his arm to the left.
I am now of the belief that the only issue that has stopped them ‘doing it” is the mutual lack of a sense of direction.
Jerri scores a hit on her second try and runs back to her tribe mates.
Colby decides to take the next try. A tactic that allows him to avoid giving Jerri the now obligatory celebratory hug with the latest scorer.
Jenna, still manically stomping her plank to no effect, needs further advice from her tribe.
Although everyone else has kept the plank fairly central it it’s base, Jenna’s propensity to propel her food item to the right means the advice is to now push the plank as far to the right as possible.
She stomps, she misses.
Colby is successful on his second attempt.
Jenna abandons the “jump” technique on favour of a single leg stomp.
While she is finally successful, she does graphically illustrate exactly why she was the last person to find a new tribe in the school yard pick ‘em last week,
The score stands at Mogo Mogo 4 – Chapera 2.
Kathy baskets her item and runs back to her tribe and straight into the waiting, strong, muscular arms of Ethan. She is by far classier than the other Survivor contestant he has recently had his hands on.
Ok, I just upset myself, I need a moment.
After a couple of attempts, Lex stomps the can of beef into the basket and the Mogo’s win.
Jiff awards the prize to the green team and his comment that the Chapera will get nothing, produces the audible reaction of “whatever” from Alicia.
He dismisses the entire group back to their respective camps.
After the break, we join the Mogo’s cooking the kebabs over the fire.
Lex mentions Ethan’s meat. I faint.
Although a vegetarian, Ethan is loving his kebab.
“I want to rub my face in it”, he confesses, “I want to sleep next to it”.
Dear Extreme Makeover,
I have an unusual request, which I think will make for an interesting show.
It is essential that I receive major cosmetic surgery to turn me into a shish kebab as soon as possible.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Rob wonders if Sue was influenced to quit, but does not even offer an opinion as to who might have done the influencing.
Rupert ignores the obvious hole in Rob’s speculation, deciding instead to inform them that Sue was contemplating legal action. He talked to her for an hour and then she quit. Nice work Mentor man.
When Rupert confesses that Richard being booted is somehow one of the three strikes against Chapera that threatened to knock them out (shouldn’t that be end their inning? I don’t know, we don’t play that game in my neck of the woods), he unwittingly provides extra ammunition for my theory that he doesn’t have a clue how to play this game.
The six remaining Chapera make a “hands in a circle sports pact”, with accompanying tribal name yell, to stick together no matter what.
I believe Penny and Clay already established the pinkie swear cannot be used as an indicator of lasting commitment during S5, I cannot believe the hand pile will be any more binding.
Rupert returns to the group having collected tree mail.
Now, I know it must be discouraging to be the tree mail guy and see your work constantly overlooked, read by people who have no concept of iambic pentameter and mocked by people who know fifteen different endings to “The once was a man from Nantucket”, but when Rupert reads out, ‘One of your tribe mates has left, there will be no challenge today”, we know poem guy is railing against his working conditions.
They hold a brief, hands on their hearts, heads bowed, vigil for Sue before Rob continues the show of support with a quick chorus of “ding dong the witch is gone”.
Tom accompanies the song with one of his fleas in my butt crack dances.
He finishes with a “Superstah” lunge, before calling out and forming an “S U E”.
Thank heavens Alicia didn’t quit. I would hate to have to sit by while Tom struggled to contort his body into an “A L L E E S H U H”.
Next time on Survivor:
Looks like a twister.