It is so close to the end of the game, I just have to hang on for a few more days and I’ll be golden. When Lill started talking about getting rid of Darrah before the final 3 because of her strength in the immunity challenges, I jumped all over it. As much as I hate Jon, he just makes more sense as an opponent going into the final 3 than Darrah. He is a total wuss and wouldn’t stand a chance in any endurance type of final immunity challenge. Oh, and everyone realizes that he is a major putz. Ya gotta like that in guy when approaching a final 2 situation. (Not to mention that the more facetime he gets on the show, the more likely he will be recognized by pre-pubescent girls - who will undoubtedly beat his skinny ass up every time they happen to encounter him. Now that would be worth the price of admission.) Lill has a real nutjob aura about her that could well be exploited in a final 2 situation as well. I guess that’s it then. Darrah’s outta here, and I’m off to the final 3 with a blowhard and a whiny granny.
I haven’t won a single individual challenge, but up against Lill and Jon, I figure my chances are a lot better than they have been in the past. I guess you can say I am hopeful. I am hopeful that I won’t embarrass myself again and immediately fall on my butt, being the first person eliminated. Damn. I fell on my butt and was the first person eliminated. How is it that I just keep getting worse at these things?
I knew that slimeball Jon would begin pitching deals to Lill if I went out first, and he didn’t waste any time. Much to my surprise though, Lill wasn’t buying his line. She even showed some spunk by telling him she didn’t believe a word he said and then she intimidated him with her physical prowess. I did a pretty good job of not laughing out loud when it worked. I just mumbled under my breath that Jon might need to start working on a new line - because the one about wicker furniture and fat women had been conclusively refuted. I was still fairly worried though. Just because Lill wasn’t making any deals with Jon didn’t mean she had decided to take me to the final 2. There is just no tellin’ what goes on in that dingdong head of hers.
I must have actually convinced Lill that I was scared to go up against her in a jury vote because she did end up choosing me instead of Jon the Prince of Turds. I just couldn’t believe it when Jeff read her vote. It seems incredible that she would make me her choice. I haven’t had a single vote cast against me in the entire game, and Jon is likely the most repugnant person on earth. I don’t think I was the obvious final 2 choice, but…go figure.
It was like living in a best case scenario when Lill went into meltdown mode during jury questioning. She just kept mumbling something about her uniform, and tossing in occasional loony outbursts. I don’t know how she managed to keep her Tourettes under wraps for so long, but it couldn’t have come out at a better time. I almost felt sorry for her…but not $900,000 sorry for her. I was Sandra throughout the game, and I didn’t shy away from Sandra, the whole Sandra and nothing but the Sandra while under fire from the jury. Now it’s just a waiting game.
It’s official. Jeff read the votes and I am the sole Survivor. Me. Sassy Sandra – The one and only Survivor. Ahhhhh…what a f’ing awesome feeling. I want to cruise around the world buying pantsuits in every color of the rainbow.
Stupid wenches. Really, how could this have happened? I am the freakin’ king of men. The only thing women can beat me at is gettin’ pregnant contests. This is Survivor. I am a man. I should have won. Let’s take a look back at the past few days. Jeff comes in and wakes us with mimosas and pastries. I know it’s because he likes and respects me so much. He then gave us letters from home and stupid ass Lil starts her blabbering. She was so busy crying and Sandra and D were so busy consoling that neither one asked about my letter. Good thing, as having a dead granny write you is not heard of in this circle. I used Lil’s crying against her and got D to admit that she wouldn’t take Lil to a final two showing. I then let them argue and decided to go with whichever one got Sandra on board. She’s so stupid, and never played the game, so I didn’t mind bringing her along for the ride. Playing against the jury for immunity was not freakin’ fairplay at all. The jury won, but I was the only one to get the Shark Attack question right. What a bunch of idiots. With no immunity we got rid of D. That was excellent, as I knew… KNEW I ‘d win the final immunity now. Then we get to do the lame ass “Goodbye To Fallen Comrades” BS that Survivor always makes the final 3 do. It was lame, but the fire on the boat was rockin’. So we get to the final immunity and of course it’s endurance. Whoever wants it most supposedly wins it. Sandra was out after half an hour, and I knew I’d get Lil to make a deal. The stupid woman didn’t get the concept of letting me win so I’d take her. What the hell was her problem? That old wench held on forever and won the freakin’ challenge. I still wasn’t worried though, as I knew she’d take me to the finals. Everyone hates me, she’d be sure to win. At the final TC she even said she was taking the person she felt she could win against. SANDRA!!!! WTF?? I’m out?? My damn granny is dead, and Lil gets rid of me? She has no idea how to play this game. When it came time to grill the two wenches I asked Jeff if I could vote none of the above. I am still the funniest person ever to play survivor. According to the votes, Sandra won, but anyone who watched knows I was truly the winner. I was the only one who played the game and I will go down in Survivor history.
Well, shut mah mouth. Mah momma done tol' me tuh nevah cross paths with a lyin' polecat. Jawn Forklift's been eatin' his awn tail. Don' let th' tail wag th' dawg. Ah'm tuckered awt frum awl his shnanigans. Ah nayr 'bout fainted when ah lawst at th' challedge. An' ah thought ah was sittin' purty. Ah thought way'd be votin' awt Layl. Ah was dayd wrong. Juss betwayn you an' me an' th' henhouse, ah woulda taken Jawn to th' fahnil tyoo, ayven though he's gotta shaypdawg glued tuh th' toppa his hayd, an' ayven though he carries awn lahk a monkey bein' ayten bah an ol' bat.
Eff awnly ah'd had memorahzed th' litrachoor whot done came with mah rulebuck an' that pamphlet cawled "So Ya' Wanna Visit Pannerma?" Eff awnly ah had done that, ah woulda won 500,000 notes with Androol Jeckson's hayd awn it in a layther brayfcase. Or maybe ah woulda got a chayk. Ayther wie, ah'm nawt in high cotten over hayr. Eff ah hadn't bayn such a shawrp-shootah with thayt muskrat, maybe they woulda nawt bayn a'feared of me. Tarnation. No use cryin' over spayled moonshahn.
If I had made final two, I clearly would've revealed I was a wolf in possum's clothing. To avoid sharks, stay out of the water--of course! Although I have an IQ of 210, some minor facts go overlooked. This explains that nasty shark bite I got off the coast of Madagascar, third most dangerous tourist destination in the world and home of the hissing cockroach. I built catacombs beneath the island out of the hulls of shipwrecked fleets; had I buried Lil in it, we would not be in this predicament. Lily-livered Lil could not bear anyone not promising to take her to the final two. With Jon listening in, had I said yes to Lil, he would've reported the matter to Sandra. Damned if I do and so forth. I've had my fill of this game and these scalawags. I've also had my fill of dead people. Like the women of my family, I plan to stuff all my dollars into my brassiere. Look for me at your local dentist's office, 'cause
ah'll be th' hawtest hahjenist ya' ever done sawr.
I can’t believe I made it to the final three. How’dya like me now Burton? Troops, take notice. As in life, the boy scout law will take you far. In this game I was trustworthy, (just ask Rupert), loyal (ask Burton), helpful (ask Nicole), friendly (Ryan S.), courteous (Andrew), kind (ask Christa), obedient (ask Jon), cheerful (ask Darrah), thrifty (remember the fish hooks), brave (ask Ryano), Clean (again, ask Burton) and reverent.
The immunity challenge with Jon and Sandra was a cinch. I do two things daily like religion. My aerobics and my Kegels. So keeping my muscles flexed and beating sissy-boy Jon on the rafts was like a roll in the hay.
It would appear that my real error in judgment came in picking Sandra to go with me to the final two. In the words of another famous Cincinnatian, "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." Honestly, based on the feedback I was receiving, I thought I was a dead-on lock to win this thing. Everyone liked me so much. My hopes and dreams are crushed. But not my spirit, dear troop. Oh no, my spirit lives on forever the in example I’ve set for you.
We took a vote among the Shadow writers, whether to reveal who wrote what. We decided 'what the heck', and here they are. Keep in mind that in several cases, substitutes (Sher, BravoFan, LG., and people whose shadows had been eliminated) were used, so the same person may not actually have written every one of their entries.
Sandra - Zhora
Lillian - Bumpkin
Jon - Cali
Darrah - Shayla
Burton - Lobeck
Christa - Eny
Tijuana - Greenie
Rupert - Wayner
Michelle - KylieGrant
Shawn - Miss Filangi
Trish - Feifer & sher
Andrew - Bill_in_PDX
Nicole - Wolf
Osten - John
Ryan O - AmandaG
Ryan S - Paulie
Thanks again to everyone who enjoyed our Shadows through the season. We'll be back for All-Stars, with a whole new collection!