Shiver me timbers!! and other piratey type stuff.
Take a swig of finest rum, here be another season of Survivor.
Jiffy circles the deck of the Rembrandt Van Rijn, named after some famous/infamous Dutch pirate. No, I haven’t heard of him either, but he does have a fancy little ship named after him so he must have been reasonably big pirate cheese.
Down below the 16 unsuspecting Survivors have no idea the game has already started.
Their suitcases are worthless, they will only be taking the clothes on their backs.
We are treated to a few meaningless shots of the scenery and a list of the local wildlife.
We won’t see any more than about 100 square feet of either of tribe’s camps, but the mini travelogue no doubt fulfills Burnett’s obligation to promote the region in part payment for being allowed to film there.
Let the credits roll!
As I have explained before, there is no such thing as an “opening credits” spoiler. It makes no difference what order the Survivor’s are in the credits, whether they have a colour or black and white photo or which tribe is introduced first.
One thing I must point out is the jaunty little pirate jig, spliced (geddit?) into the middle of the theme tune, nice one.
Back with the action and some shots of the ships crew doing ship type stuff (no I don’t sail, thank you for asking), they are dressed in crisp white shirts and shorts. Rather disappointing really. I didn’t expect them to have glass eyes and wooden legs, but I also didn’t think they’d look like they communicate via Blackberry.
After surprising them with the news that the game will start right away and they will not be allowed to take anything other than what they’re wearing, Jiff confiscates their personal valuable bounty and splits the 16 Survivor’s into the two tribes, Drake in blue and Morgan in orange.
Shawn – Drake
Shawn has been forever banned from entering China after intentionally sabotaging their 1998 bid to break the world domino topple record. Shawn is a me, me, me type of guy from the boring world of advertising. If there is any commercial you hate, Shawn would no doubt be responsible for it if, only his career were a success. He’s wearing an Armani suit in the hope this will disguise what an utter failure he is. Wrong Shawn. We know its Emporio.
Darrah – Morgan
Darrah kills hobo’s while they sleep, charting each success on a graph stuck to the side of her fridge. She made her hobby her career in 2002 when she opened her own mortician’s “shop”. Darrah is as attractive as you can be when you have a mole by the side of your lip, but her overwhelming stench of embalming fluid is a turn off to 47% of the men she meets. The other 53% are dead, if not before they meet her then certainly after. The men back on her daddy’s farm love her, dubbing her “our little Moticianary Fairy”. Darrah is wearing an unpleasant stripy skirt and top.
Christa – Drake
Christa is cast in the role of “hottie” this season, but when she steps forward we notice what an ungainly wench she is. She does something clever-clever in the world of computing, while maintaining her twin hobbies of crack snorting and preaching the
“gospel” of white supremacy. Christa has forsaken her pointy hood in favour of a “go anywhere” floral dress.
Osten is an equity trade manager, but that matters not. He is black, so has been cast in he role of lazy bastard, known commonly as the “Gervase Edit”. He lists boozing among his hobbies, so either we have a twelve-stepper who will turn psycho once he comes down from his alcohol induced high, or he’s an overgrown frat boy. Either way, our relationship with Osten looks like it will be bumpy. Did I mention he’s black? This of course means he has also been cast for his lack of swimming prowess.
Osten sports a nice blue shirt and dress pants.
Rupert – Drake
Rupert is a troubled teens mentor, cheerily fighting the daily battle of trying to get the “yeah, like, whatever” generation to open up and say more than “yeah, like, whatever”.
Rupert is six parts Neanderthal and clearly presents as a life long Grateful Dead fan, he no doubt calls them “The Dead… dude”.
Finally, Rupert has found the perfect setting for his deliciously pirately look, which he has reluctantly “updated” to circa 1975 through the use of tapered jeans and a tie-dyed sleeveless T.
Lillian “call me Lill” – Morgan
Lill is a demon taskmaster, commanding the loyalty of 78 unsuspecting boy scouts under her steel-toed jackboot. Her fire starting skills will prove useful and if Burnett has designed sponsored walk or charity car wash challenges this season she will be able to flex those scouting credentials even more. Once the fire is lit though Lill must appreciate that the rest of the tribe may vote her off just so they don’t have to look at her hat anymore.
Trish – Drake
Trish is blessed with soccer mom sex appeal and a twinkle in her eye that conceals a fiercely competitive nature. She is extremely “outdoorsy” and canoes and runs to counteract the immense tedium of being a Sales Executive. Emanating a distinctly Tina Wesson/ Teresa “T-Bird” Cooper vibe, Trish will be a force to be reckoned with in this tribe as far as the game is concerned and will make a nonsense of MB’s casting of a younger female to provide the hotness this season. Trish wears a black long sleeved top and black and white skirt with a kicky hemline. Expect to see her commute these two items into a full survival wardrobe.
Ryan Shoulders – Morgan
If only the guy had some get up and go, he’d present himself as a Mafioso specializing in clavicle dislocations. Instead he wastes the last name responding to P.A. announcements requesting a clean up on aisle 4.
Ryan lists Jenna Jameson as his favourite actress, clearly baring no grudge that her body of work is responsible for both his carpal tunnel syndrome and deteriorating eyesight. Don’t say your parents didn’t warn you Ryan.
Burton – Drake
Having toured in Cats for three years in the late 80’s, Burton has now settled into a career as marketing executive. His physical strength, unbridled sexiness and retained ability to lick his own b*lls will make him a valuable part of the Drake tribe.
Burton sports the smart/casual look in khaki’s and a blue shirt. This is your male eye candy folks.
Tijuana – Morgan
When Jeff calls her name, Osten breaks into simultaneous applause. Way to telegraph your intension to ally with/come on to her, Osten.
Despite all previous contestant’s names being given the suffix, “Who?” two short months after the their respective finale’s, Tijuana is of the mistaken belief that an appearance on Survivor is the ticket to a showbiz career.
Yeah, I knew her name was pronounced Tiwanna by the way, yeah, uh, fo’ shizzle.
Michelle – Drake
Michelle has a timid secretary to sexy nymphet look, a staple in Ryan’s favourite movies.
Michelle is wearing a patterned halter-top and slim skirt that skims her knees.
She looks sugary enough to count for a months worth of weight-watchers points.
Ryan Opray – Morgan
In stark contrast to Tiwanna, Ryan’s addition to the Morgan tribe does not result in applause from Osten.
An electrician, Ryan has made a sport out of having people take a day off work then not turning up to do their repairs. He will mistakenly feel he is a capable of taking the leadership role within the tribe while concealing the fact that he was single-handedly responsible for the recent blackout in New York and vast swathes of Ontario when he tried to run 17 electrical appliances from the same socket in his filth invested bachelor pad.
Jon – Drake
He tells us he goes by the moniker “Jonny Fair Play, I don’t play fair”.
Wouldn’t that mean you should be called “Jonny, non fair play”, moron?
Jon is desperately trying to hang on to his youth via the twin atrocities of a heinous bleach job and a grey/blue wool cap. It’s not working Jon.
He runs an art consultancy business from his mother’s basement, where he spends many drunken hours trying to drown out his feelings of self-loathing.
Nicole – Morgan
Did you notice a pattern?
That’s right, Jeff alternates between calling out Drake people and Morgan people.
She walks over to the Drake team only to see them all simultaneously order her over to the Morgan side.
Nicole has chosen to wear a bright blue tube dress and no underwear, which blatantly flies in the face of the “but what if you get run over?” rule.
She is a massage therapist with a price list of “extras” taped to the floor under her massage table.
Nicole seems flighty and I fear she will annoy me immensely.
Sandra – Drake
Our first Latina participant since Jesse, the cracked-lipped cop, shriveled up and blew put of Africa.
She does something hush-hush for the Army and thinks this will set her in good stead in the game. I can’t recall there being a whole lot of filing in previous series.
Wearing a peach toned casual pantsuit, Sandra will be feisty, I have no doubt about it
Andrew – Morgan
Andrew has a very large forehead. An attorney in some hoity-toity firm, Andrew previously worked out of South Africa where he invented the phrase “you go girl” and laundered diamond smuggling money through the books of a local Crayola factory.
No, I have not read their official bio’s since the day they were released by CBS.
How observant of you to notice.
Their personal valuable items “safely” stored in wide weave mesh bags, Jiff explains that the “no additional clothing” ruse is only the first part of the fun. They will have no food, no tools, no shelter etc.etc., the camera cuts between the two tribes so we can gauge their reactions. Their facial expressions don’t give a whole lot away, but I do notice that Jon has forsaken his wool cap in favour of a topknot fashioned from his new buff.
Jiff has taken the liberty of rifling through their luggage in order to provide them with their running shoes. Nicole misses the opportunity to use the Heidi/Jenna technique and offer to flash her boobs if he’ll let her take a bra. Get your head in the game Nicole.
He pitches them 100 balboas per tribe in a colour co-coordinated bag, such attention to detail, and advises them anything they need can be bought or bartered for at the local market. They will not be coming back to this Rembrandt dude ship and need to set aside enough cash to hire a boat and driver to get them to their respective islands.
I advise them all to remember, in case of a later local knowledge of the region challenge, the patron saint of Panama appears to be Sylvester Stallone.
Jiff throws each team a map, flings their trainers overboard and orders them to get off the ship. Oh, you might want to take that life ring with you too, especially you Osten.
Their feet once again on terra firma, the Morgan tribe dons their running shoes and speed to the top of the nearest hill, then splay out in different directions. Ryan S, gives a “failure to plan is a plan for failure” confessional, while his tribe mates frantically scream at the locals while miming the word “boat”. Ryan O, decides the best course of action is for him to speed off to the dock to try and secure a ride to their island. He runs himself ragged before finding a group of laid back boatmen who refuse to even give him a price on a journey until they see a map of where he wants them to take him and they see the colour of his balboas. The captain of the boat dismisses him with a swat of his hand when Ryan confesses to having bought neither.
The Drake tribe seems altogether more in control. Shawn, Burton and Rupert carry the raft, with their dress shoes in it, up to the top of the hill. Rupert is spent, so takes a seat on the raft while the others discuss their plan of attack to scour the market for all the things they’ll need. Foolishly, the Morgan tribe leaves their unattended raft next to Rupert, who has decided to fully embrace the pirate theme of this series and rob their dress shoes. Invigorated by his thieving, Rupert has found his second wind and drags the Drake raft and its newly acquired loot of in search of his tribe mates.
He meets up with Jon, now minus any head wear, gives him half the haul and goes off to barter his half for pineapples. Once this season, each tribe mate should be allowed the opportunity to say something pirate like in a stereotypically pirate voice if they so choose, without incurring the wrath of the recappers. Rupert uses up his good will very early with his overly hokey comment that “Aarrrggggghhhh, it’s a hard life livin’ the pirates life”.
Back from the commercial break and evil forces at work have conspired to install Osten as temporary leader of the Morgan tribe.
Normally I would welcome the site of a well built, glistening wet man in his boxer shorts, but Osten’s say “BUZZED” across the back. Who on earth would make shorts for grown men that say that, and what is it supposed to mean? Does he have a range of different words to convey different emotions, the male equivalent to days of the week panties?
Whether by accident or design, “BUZZED” describes Osten’s current state very well.
Running round the market like a headless chicken, he should be thankful he was a part of Survivor Thailand or Jan would be digging a hole as we speak.
He huddles with Lill, Nicole and Darrah, suggesting to them that if they don’t have money to buy the things they want, they simply flash their boobs at the men. Lill and Darrah find this suggestion mildly amusing, but strangely enough Nicole , the underwearless massage parlour girl is insulted that he should make such a suggestion without even knowing their names. Her name, of course, is whatever you want it to be, Sugar.
Meanwhile, with the Drake tribe, Sandra’s command of Spanish is paying dividends in the negotiations with the locals. Trish rather charmingly fails to recognize that she has aroused the interest of an amorous lesbian shopkeeper, and plays along with the “joke” by offering to stay with her in exchange for a lamp and some kerosene.
Christa the Nazi, confesses that she thought “The Village People” had respect for Sandra, so perhaps her relationship with crack is not fully over.
Just as we are on the verge of losing Trish to the forever to the waiting arms of the shopkeeper, Tiwanna busts in demanding a refund. The Morgan’s swarm the shop and start looting when they are dissatisfied with the level of customer service they receive from the staff. Eventually Tiwanna’s shrieks of “money, I want my money”, do secure a partial refund and they go on their way.
The Drakes continue to enjoy success as Sandra and Jon invite themselves to a backyard barbeque and limbo dance. Sandra parts with her gold chain in exchange for everything apart from the grill and the revelers themselves. Their haul includes fried chicken, hot sauce, barbeque sauce, knives a cutting board and aluminum foil.
Pissed off at the sight of Drake’s superior haul, Osten commands his tribe to the dock to hire a boat. They still have plenty of money left, but the decision is made to head off too camp anyway. Does Osten think they will be going back to the village next market day?
They pay the driver to take them on his boat to their camp. Osten confesses that “only time will tell” if they have enough supplies. I don’t think you need worry on that score Osten, the supplies well definitely last for as long as you are personally still in the game.
Concentrate on your saggy Buzzed boxers, they are about to slip off your ass. The Survivor fuzzy nudity blob gets an early work out this season.
The Drakes are sifting through their haul before making their way to a boat.
They have toothbrushes, a tarp, fishing gear, a machete, down comforters and eight tickets for a post show Panamanian cruise. They board their ride to their camp scoffing their barbequed chicken along the way.
Back from another commercial break and the Morgan reach their camp.
Ryan Shoulders is disappointed with their lack of celebration of this feat, as once again Osten takes charge, following the voice inside his head that’s telling him “sunrise is going down soon”. He forces the rest of the tribe to run around the beach looking for the perfect place to set up camp. He finally makes a decent decision by having scout master Lill start the fire. She selects a nice clear area of wet sand, digs a hole and lights the fire using a cigarette lighter and a candle. I do believe you need to return one of those badges Lill.
She confesses that it’s hard to take her scout hat off…then promptly takes it off, so I assume she meant metaphorically.
Andrew and Ryan O start to work on the shelter. No doubt still exhausted from his unnecessary and fruitless sprint to the dock, Ryan suggests building a lean-to type affair up against a loose rock face because it’s “a lot less work”. Ryan is still proud of his energy and time saving suggestion even when Osten levers off a huge chunk of rock with the end of a long bamboo pole.
In stark contrast, team Drake begin to whoop and cheer as soon as they see their new home. Burton and Shawn direct the shelter building while the others gather wood for that and the fire. It all seems very organized. Things should be going swimmingly, but Shawn and Burton are alienating others via the misappropriation of food, a big Survivor no-no, huh Clarence?
They crack open a coconut and only share the milk with Michelle. Not cool guys.
Hmmm, MB then comes over all metaphorical like by showing a spider in a web. Too early to say who this represents, but my guess would be Christa.
The shelter well underway, the Drakes go off in search of water. The buzzing of the million resident mosquito’s would no doubt have lead them to it even if they hadn’t had the foresight to follow the clearly marked route on the map provided by Jiffers. They proceed to fill up their containers they bought in the market and slap themselves silly trying to ward off the skitters, that don’t get fresh meat in these parts very often.
Shawn and Michelles’ backs are each a mess of bumps.
Amy – from Paradise Hotel – “Welcome to my world”.
Back over at the Morgan camp, Tiwanna suggest that no one drink anymore water until they locate their source and boil some more. She illustrates the dire state of their water situation by finishing off the bottle she is swigging down in a single glug.
Having assigned fire duty to Lill, Osten is on a “good decision roll” and determines that they do need to find their water because he thinks “water’s gonna be real important”.
It doesn’t even occur to them to check their map to see if the water source is marked, preferring instead to rely on the obviously rusty divining skills of Lill. They take the only bowl they bothered to buy and set off as a group to locate the water and happen upon a small orange puddle. This does not meet Lill’s stringent standards as she declares you wouldn’t want to drink it even if it’d been boiled for 42 hours. 42? Why 42? How random.
They retire for the evening without having located their water.
Time to hand back another badge Lill.
Night falls and the beasties come out to play. Snakes slither into view, the shelter is infested with more crabs than the pole at the Crazy Horse Gentleman’s club and the shale rock supporting their lean-to is crumbling.
Over at the Drake camp, they are so in control they have time to crack open the booze they bought at the market.
Jon shows himself to be such a complete ass they really should obscure him with the fuzzy nudity blob at all times. In the midst of his drunken stupor he cries out “where are the teenage girls?” They are listening to their mother’s Jon and keeping as far away from people like you as possible. Jon thinks his hilarious sense of humour will more than make up for his lack of physical prowess. Don’t count on it.
We begin at Drake camp, where they have realized it would have been a good idea to purchase additional clothing at the village yesterday. Rupert’s jeans are causing some major chafing in the crotch region, so Christa decides to deck him out in a sarong made from the lower part of her dress. He is so pleased with the light and airy result that he vows to never wear the jeans again. Not sure if this extends beyond his time on the island. Shawn mentions his Armani suit yet again as we see the legs being hacked off at the knee.
We head back to Morgan, where the great water debate in underway once more.
Tiwanna casually stumbles upon their map and finds the water well clearly marked.
They laugh about their own stupidity (get used to doing that Morgan) and set about making a new shelter, this time it will be off the ground so the crabs can’t get them and not under a crumbling mound of shale. Lill is too old to connect with the younger women and hasn’t bonded with the men, so she and Shoulders have decided to become super chums. They decide to go off and get some water…in a bowl, since they were too stupid to buy any bigger containers at the market yesterday. Come on, laugh at yourselves Morgan’s.
Over at Drake the youngsters are preening one another. Shawn pretends he has some tightness in his hip so he can get nymphet Michelle to feel him up and Christa inspects Jon for Magic Mushroom spores.
Burton is not one for sitting around, so he takes the spear and decides to try and bag them some breakfast. His tribe cheers wildly when he returns later with a single fish.
Rupert, quickly discerning that one fish divided by eight bellies does not a hearty breakfast make, decides to take the spear and do a little fishing of his own.
Over the course of what seems like a coupe of hours, he manages to bring the haul of fish to six, .75 of a fish each is a much more satisfying ratio and all it took was a case of sun stroke and severe heat exhaustion. Rupert sees himself as the tribe’s caretaker, which is super, but when your caretaker needs two hours to recover for every one hour of energy expelled it might be time to advertise for a replacement. Rupert’s success makes Burton a little huffy.
We begin the day at Morgan camp with Nicole, Darrah and Shoulders collecting the tree mail. In keeping with the pirate theme (which I fear will get very old buy the end of the series) the mail is inside a mini treasure chest.
The poem is read, but I confess to zoning out after I realize the writer tried to rhyme “on” with “brawn”. Not when you pronounce them correctly matey, not even close.
Andrew delivers a short pep talk about focusing on the challenge ahead and is instantly elected leader of the tribe.
Osten has been having a little trouble keeping his “Buzzed” pants up. The decision is made that if his pants fall down, Ryan O and Andrew will also bare their tackle to the world, because, to quote Andrew, "they are a family".
I imagine Thanksgiving is interesting at his house.
The tribes rendezvous with Jiffers at Snapping Duck Bay, this season’s challenge beach, where he gives them some old spiel about pirates having to be able to move their possessions to new locations quickly, yada, yada, yada. He then reveals the immunity idol, a plastic skull impaled on a plastic pike. I assume this symbol was once used to serve as a warning of what would happen if you messed with pirates. I can see how it would be terrifying to anyone who happened to have an artificial cranium.
The challenge consists of he tribes making their over, under and through a range of obstacles, while transporting a cannon, a flag and a torch. The first challenge of a new series is usually fairly physical and long-winded, and it looks as though this one will be no exception.
On Jiff’s “Go” Jon of the Drake’s, races off without even attempting to help move the canon. As this is the first time he has ever taken the lead in a race he knows something is not quire right, turns to check it out, sees the rest of his team hauling the canon and goes back to help.
The Morgan are running true to idiotic form, deciding that even though the canon is atop a wheeled cart for ease of transportation it would be far better to carry it. I guess that big ole cannon was making the cart too heavy to pull. They soon fall way behind the Drake’s. The Drake’s make fairly light work of negotiating the obstacles. Jon and Christa even take the trouble of placing logs they have moved back into the path of the oncoming Morgan’s.
The course is winding and narrow. The Morgan’s catch up when the Drake’s become temporarily slowed by a series of fences and a muddy patch of ground. Unable to pass, the decision is made that Osten’s droopy drawers have to go. He slides them off and places them round his neck. Hmm, you last washed them how many days ago Osten? True to their pact, Andrew and Ryan O also shimmy out of their boxers, prompting Jiff to Freudian - ly point out that there are three “naked Morgan members”. He then adds that they are not the guys anyone wants to see. Speak for yourself Jiffers, I’m more than happy with the view, or I would be if fuzzy nudity blob hadn’t made his latest appearance. Fuzzy nudity blob is a loyal and valued employee, surely he’s due some lieu time.
Sweet innocent, Michelle tries not to look directly at any of the new guys in case she gets pregnant, while Christa’s ears prick up at the mention of crack.
The obstacles complete, the tribes have a to drag their canons along the beach to the waiting finish line. Drake has a commanding lead, but sinks into dry sand allowing Morgan to over take. Morgan then becomes bogged down just before the finish line and Drake surges past to victory.
After the break, challenge post mortem is underway at both camps. The Drake discuss their victory while enjoying a communal bath and at the Morgan camp Andrew has the tribe assembled for a more official de-briefing.
Andrew - “We must remain positive, we only lost by about a foot”.
If you needed an extra 12 inches you really should have put Osten at the front then coach.
So, onto the discussion about who should leave. Work with me folks as this was tittle –tattle city and I want to get it over with quickly.
Tiwanna, Darrah and Nicole approach Ryan O and Andrew with a view to removing either Lill or Shoulders. Tiwanna thinks they have no more use for Lill now the fire has been lit and they all agree that Shoulders coasted too much in the IC.
Plus he didn’t get his tackle out so he’s not family. Ok, that one was mine, but it’s true.
Nicole them decides she can’t stand Tiwanna, so approaches Lill about forming an alliance to boot her off. Lill tells this to Andrew, who tells Tiwanna, who confronts Nicole, who says it was all Lill’s idea. Upshot, no one believes Nicole, everyone believes Lill and even Nicole knows she has painted a target on her back.
As always, Jiff likes to conduct any tribe’s first tribal council in a fairly somber mood to begin with. This is serious stuff after all.
Jiff has them all light their torches, reminds them that “fire is life” and allows them to be seated so the Q&A can begin.
He obviously wants to know why they got naked. Osten says he doesn’t regret the decision yet fails to mention his loose elastic, leaving anyone who just happened to tune in with the impression that the stripping was just a random act.
Ryan O doesn’t mind the lack of food, but is concerned about the lack of water. It seems as though Osten’s “water is gonna be important” speech hit home.
Lill tells Jiff they have declared Andrew their leader and he goes on the show he did not win the position due to his art for diplomacy by calling Ryan Shoulders a lazy bastard… or words to that effect.
Nicole states she has some friends, but can’t trust everyone and the others show real team work for the first time with some crisply synchronized eye-rolling.
Time to vote. Once we see that Tiwanna has voted for Nicole and no other votes are revealed it seems clear that Nicole will be the first person taking the long walk. Jif reads the votes and requests she bring forward her torch for snuffing.
No one seems overly bothered that she is leaving, including Nicole herself.
Next Time On Survivor:
The Drakes break their fishing pole.
Rupert bellows as if he’s been “gotten all up on by Ted” and one of the Morgan’s is a priss who wants to go home.