Welcome to another edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Panama: Exile Island! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
This is so. Awesome! I didn’t realize it until just now, but all of those bad things everyone said about me in those surveys the other day is actually a good thing. I’m going to be carried along right into the final 2!! I don’t have to do anything except be myself: a talkative and annoying poseur. Did you know I’ve been thinking about allying with Terry this whole time? Well, I have. Especially since he carried Danielle and me to that reward, and then promised to take us to the final three, and then I know he would take me to the final 2. Eeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! I mean, he proved that he can win any challenge when he won that car And now he wants to bring us to the final 3 with him to duke it out there? I am so in on that deal! There’s one thing, though…that damn Danielle. You know, I am the peaceful, loving type, but if she’s going to have a problem with Terry carrying me to the final 2, well, I might just have to let one of my torches “slip” next time I’m practicing with ‘em. What? Oooh, sorry I almost boiled the saline in your implants. Anyhoo…I’m not worried. We girls need to get rid of the strong men, and as long as I have a side alliance with the one-man-immunity-machine and the only person that could possibly be more annoying than me, I’m not going anywhere tonight. Right? Right?? Ohmygoddess what a backstabbing!! I didn’t even see it coming! My sisters…they turned on me. I’m absolutely crushed! Danielle…we shared the dead turtle blessing ritual…doesn’t that mean anything to you?
(tap tap tap) Just sending a message to my kid on my new Blackberry. Yes, of course it works! What a great birthday present, too. I was so happy to find it on the beach, now I can keep in touch with both of my friends. I could sit here on my thinking stump all day and send messages! It's great. Last week I was so stressed out, what with Bruce getting sick and having to tell Courtney I'd hunt her down and find her apartment if she double-crossed me. Two nice men in white coats came out a while after that and gave me some little orange pills. Vitamins, probably. 'Cause I never get to eat like everyone else does around here, so they must have known I was malnourished. Yeah. But everything is sooo much better now. I can hear all the animals singing happy songs out there. And Cirie even brought me a fish. Oh, and Courtney is gone! This is paradise. Now if I could just find a wooden cell phone, I'd be golden.
I am Cirie, Queen of the Jungle! *giggle* I don't care how many challenges come up that make my weight a disadvantage, I am so coming out on top in this game. On one hand we have Shane, who thinks he's the top banana around here, but is really just a loon with a rectangular chunk of wood in his putrid shorts pocket. On the other hand is Terry, who answers to the name Captain America, but who I privately call Captain Who? He thinks he's golden with the hidden immunity idol, the week-after-week-after-freakin-week immunity challenge wins, but who is really wearing the superhero cape and kick-ass utility belt around here? Uh-huh, Cirie. I AM CIRIE AND I WILL PROSPER! I had to stir things up and save my boy Aras this week. He gave me a nice little goose when he pushed me over the fence during the luxury challenge, and I haven't felt so special in years. Cirie knows how to say thank you when thanks are due. But don't think that special squeeze is gonna save him next week. If I determine he is a threat to me in any way, I'll take him down faster than you can say Code Blue! I have a little problem ahead with Shane, because he's trippin' about his whipping girl getting the boot, but when he asks me if I had anything to with it, I'll give him my patented "Oh, come on now" and then offer to upgrade his Blackberry software. That should take care of things.
I am doing about as well at the strategy part of this game as I am doing at catching fish. Don’t tell anyone but honestly I’m not really trying to catch any fish. I just use fishing as an excuse to get away from those Casaya freaks. Besides, I don’t want to give Aras any protein. The last thing I need is him being strong enough to beat me in an immunity challenge. I thought my superior grilling skills had turned the girls. Damn those steaks were good. *Drool* I did manage to convince Courtney to ally with me. Then, the next thing I know she’s gone. I wonder how that happened. I guess there was some talking going on while I was lounging on my favorite log. I wonder if that Cirie had anything to do with it. First, she goes and catches a fish which puts the lie to my claim that it’s impossible to catch any out here. Then, Courtney gets stabbed in the back. What is that third “O” anyway? Until I can remember, I’m going to have to stick with outplaying and outlasting. I just need to win the last two immunity challenges and I’m good for the Final two. I can use my little friend for the next one. Maybe I won’t even try in order to psyche Aras out. And, honey, I got you a righteous car. I think tonight’s musical selection will be Cirie Don’t Be A Hero. I came up with the lyrics while I was “fishing.”
Woohoo! With Courtney out, who's sitting pretty on top? Me, that's who. I'm not going to settle for third place, but I sure as all damn will settle for second. No one would take Shane, the annoying psycho. Cirie's too popular. Aras has had a target on his back from day one. So I'm the logical choice for final two, and who wants to see Terry win, really? No one likes his smug immunity-winning ass. I sure as hell can't beat Terry, so I made the smart move and agreed with Terry's "final two" plan. And then I made another smart move and voted with Cirie. I'm, like, however many smart moves away from winning this whole thing.
The last time I spoke with the clams, I felt a sense of impending doom. At first, I just thought it was the vision of Shane's genitalia getting near, bouncing disturbingly free (yet oddly: rhythmically) as he made his way to my side to discuss strategy. But then, after calmly listening to Shane talk about some kind of "shed" in Montana and something about a "manifesto", I realized: my days here are numbered. Outwardly I nodded contentedly, while inwardly I screamed and screamed and screamed. I knew there were plots against me, and I gained nothing from talking with Shane (other than a healthy new respect for cortisone cream). And so when he left to protect "Stumpy" from Courtney, I pressed my ear to the sand. Sure enough, I felt the tremors of discord, hearing the hissing "s" of my name reverberating back to me as vote target #1. Instantly I was enraged. With myself. For spending all of my time on Exile Island perfecting my tree pose and becoming inarguably hotter and more powerful than all 16 survivors combined, vs. spending my time on Exile Island thinking about being inarguably hotter and more powerful than all 16 survivors combined while I looked for the hidden immunity idol (which I'm still not sure Terry has. Have I seen it? No. And I don't believe in things that I can't see. Other than Yoyo. And his ring bologna appearance and promise of protection.) Thankfully, Cirie and Danielle remained one with me, and we successfully removed Courtney. But from now on I've decided on a new strategy. I've decided to remain like Shane's "blackberry". I.e. silent.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Critical, Dinahann, hepcat, Lucy, Mariner, mrdobolina, Shazzer, speedbump, SueEllenMishke, Suncat7, totoro, waywyrd and Yardgnome77.