God I’m good-looking. But enough about that.
I couldn’t believe it when Jeff split the groups up and put me in a group with a bunch of women that don’t care how good-looking I am!
This is an outrage! Now what am I supposed to do?
Forge friendships with these women? As if! Now I can’t use my womanly powers to win. And all of my abilities to manipulate relied heavily on my breasts and bikinis. This bites!! And that Christy girl can’t hear. She’s stone deaf! How is that going to work? Doesn’t seem fair. The guys don’t have a deaf girl to deal with.
On the bright side, Heidi is my new best friend. We have a lot in common. She’s really skinny like me, but with even bigger boobs! Other than Heidi and me, our group really sucks. We slept on the ground. There were bugs all over us. One flew into my eyeball! When we woke up, I boiled some water and tried to explain to everyone that we shouldn’t worry about food and shelter. That clean underwear is the priority. Things can live on you,especially in that area because it’s dark.
Heidi and I went fishing, we took Janet along. She was really sick. I think I’ll vote her out because while she was vomiting and terribly ill, she didn’t help row the boat. The bitch. Does she expect us to do everything? Well, at least we caught a leaf for dinner. More than I’ve had to eat in weeks! On our way to the immunity challenge, I told everyone to bring their shoes, water and their buffs. I thought it was cool that I was in charge. I told the group that if we are in stiff competition with the guys, that Heidi should show them her boobs to distract them. I’m terribly clever like that. I can’t wait to share more of my ideas! In the race, I was a little worried because we were behind for so long, but we caught up on the balance beam. You know, even deaf Christy was able to run across the balance beam with me. I didn’t know deaf people could do that! Anyway, we won the challenge! It was very exciting! Lucky for Janet because she was outta here!
What a beautiful boat ride we took up the river. While Jeff was babbling on about 39 days and one survivor (me of course!), I decided to jog a few laps around the deck. Jeff started calling out names for the teams and after the fifth girl was added to my team, I knew we were going to be all gals. I was pretty excited about that, because frankly I was tired of half the guys there staring at me and drooling, though I suppose that would make them easy targets for the anacondas… I’ll have to remember that strategy… outplay… outlast… outlive? Whatever it takes, I am here to win.
It took us forever to row to our camp, half the team was gossiping already during the trip. That wasn’t a good sign, and it only got worse from there. Deena was bossy right from the start, though she was right, sleeping on the ground sucks. Christy has an advantage because she doesn’t have to listen to it.
For our first immunity challenge our tree mail indicated that it would require brains and balance. I wasn’t too worried about the balance part, I have always been good at that. Jenna, who seems to be an expert at jungle laundry, wanted me to flash the guys at a key point in the competition. No thanks. Jeff showed us the immunity idol, and I have to say it is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. It looks like a poor choice for a McDonald’s happy meal toy. In the challenge, we set out to win it, and while we fell behind early because four of my teammates had never played with a decoder ring as a child, we kicked ass on the balance beam, and I brought us home to victory in the final leg. It was fantastic!
As I'm sitting around the fire at "girls camp" on our third night in the Amazon, I'm thinking "what was I thinking" when I signed up to be on Survivor. Maybe I was thinking that sitting around on a beach with nothing to do but starve will be a welcome break from my busy "regular life" of being a mom/wife/attorney. I really don't have much in common with quite a few of my tribemates, but at least I wasn't planning on coasting into the merge by floucing around in a bikini in front of my tribemates and using sex appeal to avoid elimination. It was all I could do not to laugh at the expressions of some of my new tribemates. I know "hardworking" types like myself have been booted by a bunch of slackers before, so I'll try to bite my tongue and bide my time to avoid becoming "Hunter in a skirt." Sitting through the drudgery of law school and listening to arrogant asses trying to humiliate me and my classmates for three years was good training, so I think I'll be able to keep my cool. I may bolt voluntary though if this group can't build a decent shelter soon, though, as sleeping on the ground is definitely going to hurt our chances against the guys. I was truly impressed with our "never say die" attitude in the immunity challenge, though, as the guys had us on the ropes but couldn't seal the deal. Typical. I wonder who the guys cut loose tonight at tribal council?
Oh GLORY, an all women tribe? If it’s good enough for the Amazon women, it’s good enough for me… but these women aren’t exactly Amazon material. After the cute one with the wild curly hair had trouble with the knot, I figured we were in trouble… so I checked her shoes. Yup, Velcro.
Things weren’t looking so great at the camp. No shelter, no food. 8 tired, hungry, wet and emotional women on the brink of PMS. Great idea, Mark Burnett, thanks! So I decided to take matters into my own hands and took Jeanne… Jenna… Janet… one of the J’s anyway and went fishing. Well GLORY, we caught ourselves some bait. Oh, some say it looked like snot and tasted like vomit, but I say it’s protein and energy!
Seemed to do the trick after the little ass-kicking we handed the boys. Apart from some of my fellow tribemates having trouble comprehending matching up a number to a letter, OH GLORY, we managed to pull out a win. To be honest, I wouldn’t have minded sending someone home, but being able to throw a victory in the faces of those wannabe he-men was worth it.
And to top it off we have fresh buffs and clean panties to come home to!
On the boat with everyone I was trying to decide whether to tell eveyone I am deaf. I decided to wait awhile and only tell my tribe. The trip to our location was difficult as I was trying to pretend to be asleep and then only talk as little as possible.
I can read lips well but I am really nervous as to how well my tribe will accept me and my deafness. I don't intend on making it a liability to my tribe and I hope they don't see me as one either.
Jeff and I have worked out a few signals so he will know whether to repeat instructions during challenges and such. Besides, the obvious I am just really excited and nervous at the same time. I live in such a different world than these people but I am hoping that will give me a little edge when it comes to being dumped in a new 'world'.
When we got to the Amazon we were divided into our 'tribes' a new twist it is women against the men. I don't really care about this one way or another. We all jumped in our boat to head to our camp and I am sure the women were talking and asking questions on the way but I couldn't see their faces so I don't know what they were saying. I am sure they thought I was rude or something. Are they plotting allready to kick me off first? I think I will have to tell them right away.
When we found our camp site, I immediately asked them to gather round and I told them I am deaf. I told them I can read lips and that if they would just make a point to face me when talking I will be fine. I also told them I don't want the guys to know. They all introduced themselves and I think this will all be ok.
Ooops I spoke to soon. We spent the rest of the day trying to make a fire and then it got dark. We didn't have a shelter and everyone gathered around the fire and I know they were talking and sharing and making plans but I couldn't see them. Noone made a point to include me or make sure I knew what they were saying. I just laid down and tried to sleep. I feel like an outsider and it is very hard allready. I am nervous that I will be a hinderance to my tribe. I have cried allready and we have been here only one day. I am used to the hearing world treating me different. What have I got myself into?
The next morning all the women seemed to run around and nothing was getting done and of course I had no idea what was going on. At one point everyone but a couple just left and I still had no idea what the plan was. I pretended to watch the fire. What are they doing how can I be involved? I am going to have to make a friend with at least one person or I am going to be out of here. A couple girls came back with a little fish and we all tried to eat it. That was a joke. Then some girls were cooking their clothes. I looked at Deena and she said well the girls wanted clean panties and sort of made a face,, I think I have found my friend. I am guessing she is not the prissiest girl and neither am I. Why would they waste water on their panties? Well, I am just going to have to toughen up and make my own way here.
The immunity challenge went really well. The guys seemed rather cocky and we girls just jumped right in and got it done. We won and I feel a bit better knowing we don't have to vote someone off tonight and I can get my bearings a little better and make some stronger bonds with some of the women. I thought Hiedi would be sort of a baby at first but she seems a lot stronger. I am concerned about the shelter situation and I hope we can become more organized when we get back. I am just going to try to fly low below the radar hopefully they will ignore me and I can just contribute the best I can and not drag my team down.
This is harder than I thought it would be.
I should have taken a left in Albuquerque because I have found myself in the rainforest of Brazil on some damn two story tramp steamer going up a river. They damn well better give me a paddle for that canoe we are towing. All I need now is Humphrey Bogart coming out of the wheel house and I am voting myself off now. An all woman tribe, estrogen city!!!! Ok, so a couple of snags, we have one deaf girl and we can't build a fire worth a damn, I need my kids here to show them how to play with flint and steel. Sleeping on the ground the first night wasn't too bad, we just became bug chow, guess eating them instead would be more nourishing. Feeling lower than whale crap right now, got the get used to the change in humidity, I thought back home was hot and humid, jungle has it beat to hell, and its beating me to hell. We won Immunity!!!! course the doll is about the ugliest thing I have ever seen but right now he is cool as hell. 36 more days and counting.
I was called first to get in my tribe's boat. By the time I got comfortable it was clear that the teams were split by sex. Soon our boat was filled with women and Jeff was inspiring us with a story about Amazon women. What a way to start the competition.
After we got a look at our supplies, Joanna and I set out on a fishing expedition. The only thing we caught in the net was this strange fish with sharpie spines. While whittling that fish down for bait, we unfortunately drifted away from our oars. Note to self: never stick your oars on the mud. We moved out to deeper waters after retrieving the oars. Joanna sang the entire time and it was very motivating. She has a sweet spirit that I think everyone appreciates.
As it turned out, we only caught a tiny fish for the tribe of eight. Shawna proved herself ungracious by saying it was like eating snot or vomit. Not nice. I guess it was enough fuel for our Immunity Challenge. We did a great job working together. Though it was hard to watch the ladies struggle with the code it turned out great and we breezed through the puzzle. The sprint to the end was a rush. I hope all the ICs end this way.
I was the last girl called so I grabbed my soccer ball & joined my tribe of Amazon warriors. Jeff gave us a little pep talk & sent us on our way. I was all ready to make a great first impression, but my brain was so jumpy I couldn't even untie the boat. I felt so stupid. The guys were already halfway to camp before I even got the rope loose. Why didn't I study slipknots in college? Well, we finally made it to camp & all the girls seemed really nice. The first few nights were really tough on us though. We were so unorganized & our outdoor skills needed work. Shelter & fire were a real chore & the bugs were the worst. We did manage to do laundry & get some female bonding in though, both morale boosters. I wasn't real impressed with the food & joked that it tasted like vomit or snot. It was real good though, thumbs up both ways. I'm not sure all the girls appreciated my Zagat's quality review. We finally went to the Immunity Challenge & the guys were so cocky, saying everything was so easy. These guys? I doubt it. They jumped out to a huge lead & it looked like a rout. But the weebles kept wobbling & falling down. We stuck with it & whipped them, embarrassed them. I was so pumped I dove headfirst & rolled across the finish line. Big team cheer now. Jabaru! Jabaru! Jabaru! The girls are riding high & the guys got it knocked in the dirt. Now, if we can only get that shelter built, we might last until the next Immunity.
All I can say is, Heidi is HOT, I loooooove her. I even consulted my Magic 8 ball about our relationship. Looks like wedding bells will ring after I win Survivor. Of course I can't ask the 8 Ball about my winning, as if it lied my life and believe system would be shattered. I'm a tad upset with my parents for never allowing me a machete as I was growing up. Some kids wanted a BB Gun, I wanted a machete... but no, even my 8 ball knew that was never going to happen. Man is Heidi HOT! Fishing sucks, but of course we told the girls we were feasting on fish. They said they had fish for breakfast, but again I know this to be a lie, as my 8 ball said so. The guys are all thrilled that I brought it by the way. YEAH! Much better than Ouji board I thought about packing. Butch is cool for an old guy. Heidi is HOT! Roger is getting on my nerves barking orders at everyone. Heidi is HOT! I know I'll be here long enough for the merge. I hope Heidi is too, as I think she is HOT! I'll tell you one thing, if I was on that Seinfeld episode, I'd lose quicker than Kramer because, man, Heidi is HOT! OH bye-bye Ryan... one less cutie for Heidi to possibly see.
My plan to stay completely invisible, and have the rest of the tribe not even notice the fact that I'm here, is working perfectly. In fact, I think I heard Roger complaining about "those 6 other guys not pulling their weight", and I'm sure it's because he forgot me. I managed to make it until just before Tribal Council without uttering more than 15 words. Of course, those words consisted of such witty gems like "Think those chicks actually caught fish?" and my all-time favorite "10-4".
After Ryan was eliminated, I think it might have been a tactical error joining an alliance with him and Dan. What the heck was I thinking, joining the two laziest people in camp? They're SURE to be the first couple of guys eliminated. Now I have to revise my strategy, and get back in Roger's good graces. Until next week, may you always blend into the woodwork...
Mike Boogie never prepared me for this.
When all the girls started going off together, I flashed back to my nights at with him at Belly when girl after girl would disappear after a few minutes with him. Maybe that’s why he had to be trapped inside a house with one to actually get anywhere.
But I digress. My ‘Belly’ counterparts have never fared well, so my plan was to not make the classic mistakes other Survivors have made before me.
Roger made a beeline for the obnoxious leader role.
Lazy pretty boys? Check. Dan and Ryan have a platoon going with that one
Pompous know it all? Dave’s rant seemed to seal the deal on that one
Smug horny jerk? Rob’s ALLL over that one
Invisible guy? Ah yes, there is some dude calling himself Matthew around here, somewhere
I guess that just leaves me fighting Butch for the hardworking good guy role. And no one wants to be vote out the next Hunter, right?
It was embarrassing losing to the chicks, er, I mean, women, even though it was fun watching Jeff yell at Dan and Ryan like they were his prison bi--, er, I mean girlfriends. Besides, was it ever fun to watch Heidi swing on that rope….
I didn’t worry too much… too many targets to choose from to worry about me. And it’s not like we’re EVER gonna lose to the chicks, damn, I mean, women again, right?
OK, now that we’ve made it to camp I’m going to get these young whippersnappers set on a course for success. This is gonna be a cakewalk. Up against a great leader like me, with my manly-man employees, (oops, I mean tribemates), those women don’t stand a chance! Let’s get to work boys. Hey you, come over here and help me with this. You, boy, tend to that fire. What is with those kids over there?!?! Pathetic, truly pathetic. Young kids today, why I oughtta!
If those young kids didn’t have boobs on their mind all day long, we would have kicked some serious female ass on that challenge. That Ryan kid is particularly lazy, and he seems to have a problem with authority figures like me. He’s got to go first, and everyone knows it. All right, everyone within ten years of a facial wrinkle, huddle-up. We’re kicking this Ryan kid outta here tonight, right? Right. Everyone knows their job, right? Right. OK, break.
3 votes for ME? I was right about these kids, they have no respect for authority.
Okay, here we are on our way back from Tribal Council. I realize now that I'm going to have to mentally chronicle my experiences. If only I'd brought a journal as my luxury item instead of that dumb sketch book and pencil. What was I thinking?
Looking at my performance over the first three days, I think I've had my ups and downs. My whole "fly below the radar" plan went out the window as soon as we got back from losing the Immunity Challenge. Calling a meeting so I could bitch the guys out for lying to the women about the fish we didn't catch, then telling them that I am all about integrity - insinuating that some of them are not - this was, well, stupid!
I think that so far my smartest move came at Tribal Council - I kept my cool when Jeff made that lame rocket scientist comment. Ooh, good one, Jeff. Nobody ever makes rocket science jokes in front of me. You are a freakin' comic genius. I only hope we can vote Dan off before Jeff figures out a way to make one of those snappy "Dan vs. Dave" Reebok commercial jokes. If Jeff tries that, I don't think he'll be very happy with where I choose to extinguish my torch.
Oh yeah! We're an all-man team! We're all pumped up, especially me, and there is NO WAY the women are going to beat us! EVER! Our team is never going to go to tribal council! That Roger is already getting on my nerves. He's always bossing people around. If he wants to build a shelter, he can go right ahead. I'll just pretend to do a little bit of everything. Oh, it's time for my break! I'll go hang with my buddy, Ryan. So far I'm having a blast, and I just found out from Rob's Magic 8 ball that I'll be hooking up with Shawna! I knew she had a thing for me! I mean. Look at me! I'm all that and then some. I'm going to shine at the IC since there is a balancing agility event, and that's my forte. At the IC, I acted all cool and told the girls that we were doing good and we had eaten plenty of fish. The girls didn't buy it, but at least I got Shawna to look my way! The balance beam wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I kept falling off the beam. Man, I messed up bigtime. We ended up losing to A BUNCH OF SKINNY, WEAK GIRLS! How can that be? Back at the camp, I had to deal with Dave's self-righteous comments. He didn't sound too happy that I lied to the girls about us eating fish. Earth to Rocket Scientist! I was joking! Dude, lighten up! Matthew, Rob, and I have formed an alliance to take out Roger. That bossy old fart needs to go. At Tribal Council, Jeff singled me out since I was the one boasting outload that we would NEVER go to tribal council, but I was merely stating what all the guys were thinking. To save face, I played along and said I was humbled by the ass-whopping we got and that it was my fault we lost the IC. But let's move on to the more important things. I told Jeff that Shawna is pretty damn hot! Bathed or non-bathed, I am here to hook up, man! After the votes were tallied, Jeff announced that my buddy, Ryan was voted off. That sucks, man! Now whose going to take breaks with me?
Boy, this is easier than I thought! I've only been here three days and already my school administrator skills have been invaluable. It's pretty obvious these kids are going to need me around to keep them out of trouble. Did you see how careless they were with the machetes? Portable death sticks, I call 'em. Like I told the fellas, those things can kill you. We'd probably be down to five or six guys by now if I hadn't warned everyone.
I also think everone was impressed with my public speaking ability. I used many of the tips I picked up at George Bush's "Hand-Waving Basics" seminar when I was describing my awesome luxury item. Big success, I think, since we now have the giant "Believe in Yourself!" banner hanging on the shelter. I don't mean to brag, but it sure looked like everyone was inspired.
Now it's time to just slip into the background, keep my tinted glasses smudge-free, and speak up only when one of these punks gets out of line. Should be smooth sailing to the million bucks.
Man! When we were on the boat and Jeff was announcing the tribes, I was totally shocked to see it was men versus women! My strategy went flying out the window! I'm a charmer, and I had a plan to cozy up to a few of the ladies, hehe. Some of them were SERIOUS eye candy- and I'm stuck in this huge sausage fest! Once we got to the camp, Roger started ordering everyone around. We're all grown men out here, and don't need another dad to boss us. We got a rockin' shelter built though, I bet it's a ton better than anything the eye candy over there could put together. SPEAKING of eye candy, Jenna is HOT. Plus, the Magic 8 Ball said we would be together....it must be true! Anyway, then later we went to the challenge and LOST because of Daniel. I couldn't believe the biggest muscle guy out here screwed us up. Plus, I had to take part of the blame for it 'cause we were chained together. So right now I'm in 'save my ass' mode 24/7. Matthew, Daniel, Rob and I have a coalition to boot Roger. I hope it works, cause he needs to go, and it's either him or me. Okay, we're at TC and Jeff got us into a discussion about that ladies. I told him straight up, I am not gonna let any of them get in the way of my chance at winning- they're definitely not worth a million dollars! After we voted, Jeff tallied, and I was voted out. Pretty embarassing, huh?!? This was my worst-case scenario. I had a lot of fun out here, though. This was a great experience for me. Good luck, guys!
Thank you to everyone who contributed to this article.