Welcome to the seventh edition of “Standing in the Shadows” for Guatemala: The Maya Empire! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
What are all these crazy sores! I look like a leper, just like everyone else. I wonder when the electroshock therapy starts? I definitely never thought I would have to get that close to another man to win a reward challenge. Sure was worth it…that jungle zip line was totally one of those “livin’ life” times I will always remember. What a rush!! Plus we landed in the chocolate version of Candyland. I ate more chocolate from that reward than there is corn in Kansas. It was also nice to socialize with Nakum. I got to be friendly with the other tribe’s members, relax, and not have to play the game. It’s nice to take a break like that, because playing the game really hurts my head sometimes. There might be a million dollars at stake here, but I’m really happy to just have the experience, ya know? Then it was back to the game. As always, I’ll compete as hard as I can for our tribe, but really, I have a hard time voting anyone off. I just need to get to the merge and start winning individual immunities so I just don’t have to really think about it anymore.
This is gonna hurt!! No, that’s not what I was thinking when I decided to come on Survivor for what seems to be the toughest season yet. That’s what I was thinking when I had to rip my shirt away from the sticky scabs on my shoulder. I bloodied my shoulder so bad my shirt is now becoming one with my flesh. Ouch!!! Well, that’s part of the game, I guess. Although last time was a beach holiday compared to this time. We’ll try to make it a holiday, though, by inviting the entire Nakum tribe over to celebrate Danni’s birthday with a little old fashioned pool party. We won’t talk game…just compare war wounds and maybe let the minnows eat our scabs. The ladies back home will love seeing that! After that, it’s time for my game face to come back. Yaxha has to win immunity, otherwise we’re down 6-4 going into the merge. You don’t think I’m limiting myself by not considering alliances with members of the other tribe do you? I just want to make the jury, it’s been my dream since the day I realized I might get paid more for lasting longer. I just hope my alliance doesn’t start thinking about what Jeff said at the beginning…that they can vote me off whenever they want. I would be pretty surprised if they did, though.
Damn, damn, damn. I got played like a bad alibi. That turncoat, Gary. When I get home, I’m gonna hunt him down. I’ve got connections, and I can read people, so it’ll be no problem finding Gary Hawkins in Grand Haven, Michigan, and then look out, Gary. *shakes fist* But what a great way to end my Survivor gig. Our team was awesome today at the RC, and being a woman…wait, I am a woman, right…*quick glance down*…yeah, as a woman, I love chocolate. Yum! But that freakin’ zipline was so freakin’ scary. *sob* *shriek* I was prayin’ that hahness wouldn‘t break off and fling me through the trees like one of those howler monkeys. I did survive, though, and lived to enjoy myself at the pool party with everyone. *sigh* I may be goin’ home, but at least I’m goin’ home with these great scabs on my face. With any luck, they’ll leave some awesome scars, and the next time I’m shakin’ down a suspect, they’ll know I’m not someone to mess around with, and they’ll spill their guts like a little girl. Ha! Good times.
I ain't apologizin' to nobody, man. So I might have had a little outburst at the last tribal council. So what, man? That bitch was all up in my face, man. And now she's gone, and the rest of 'em can just deal with it. They need me, man. I'm the only one with any body strength. I'm a big dude. You think Rafe can pick up 50-pound puzzle pieces? No way, man.
When the other tribe came over to invite us to the party, I was totally psyched, man. That dumb Cindy didn't even want to go. I'm like, what? Dude, it's a party. Nobody can party like the Juddster, man. I tell you what, man, when it comes to the merge, I'm going to be buddying up with people like nobody's business, and Cindy's going to be treated like she owes them money, man. Outwit, outplay, outlast and outcast, man. That's Judd's plan.
Hey, over here! What do I have to do to get a little camera time? Just because I’m not a whiner like Steph or a loud mouth like Judd or scabby like Bobby Jon and Brandon doesn’t mean I’m not interesting. Look at me! First Margaret and now Amy got the boot, but I’m still in the game. I may be little and weak – hell, I sit out most of the challenges – but I’m doing great at flying under the radar. Yeah, that’s right. I’ve made it to the merge and I’ve got nothing to worry about. Everybody loves Lydia! And when they least expect it I’ll be voting their asses outa here. Meanwhile I’ve gotta get back to that candy I stashed before Cindy finds it. Hey! Where’s my chocolate?
Day 16 rocked. Well, except for the part where Bobby Jon insisted I look at his infected shoulder. I suppose it could have been worse though. He could have had jock itch. We twirled our way through that reward challenge and won, CHOCOLATE! That zip line ride through the jungle was pretty cool too. It just wasn’t as cool as the chocolate. On Day 17, I woke up singing, “It’s my birthday; it’s my birthday!” I convinced my tribe mates that we should invite Nakum over for a pool party. If I was home, I would have ordered in a whole mess of barbeque and had a bunch of friends and family over for a huge bash. This wasn’t nearly as wild, but it was still nice and we got to learn a little more about what was happening at Nakum. They couldn’t believe all that chocolate was for them. There was no need for them to know about the other five platters of chocolate we kept out of their sight. All in all not a bad birthday given that I spent it in the Guatemalan jungle. Day 18, on the other hand, sucked. I’m still embarrassed that I couldn’t lift a puzzle piece the first time I went out during the immunity challenge. I blame the half my body weight in chocolate that I’d eaten the previous two days. I was crushed when we lost and had to vote someone out. We all got really close. Of course, I’m closest to my cowboy Brandon but no one else needs to know that. I know breaking your word is part of the game but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed leading Amy on. I was excited when Jeff tossed me the new red buffs at the end of tribal council. Red is the Chiefs’ color, baby! Now my buff will match the rest of my wardrobe.
I look fantastic. I hate to say it, but I do. When we went to Danni’s little shindig, I noticed the girls were getting a bit too thin (except for Amy- she’s bustin some hunka junk). Heck, did you see Danni?! She’s so thin I could read the serial numbers on her silicone. And then there’s Jamie. He goes in the idiot pile with Judd. Yes, for now the other tribe mates are our enemies, but the merge is coming soon, honey. You gotta know when to put adversaries aside and play the politics. The great part was even though we didn’t win the RC we got to share in the spoils of chocolate…and a dip in the pool. I’ll take an IC over a RC any day. It means I’m here another three days. Three more days to prove I’m the greatest Survivor ever.
Wow, even for a wilderness guide, a jungle can be a boring place, so I appointed myself in charge of fun and games for Nakum. Who's more fun than me? Nobody! I made some cards out of leaves, thinking we could play a little UNO, poker, just anything. That was all well and good, until I realized we were missing the jokers and all four kings. Turns out that Judd used them for toilet paper! I can't believe he wiped his ASS on my card-leaves! With any luck, he'll get a rash from them. Anyway, about that reward challenge......just ewwww. I fell into a pile with those women, those nasty sweaty women, touching my body, it was creepy. I'd have much rather fallen into a pile with any of the men. Well, except for Judd. When the immunity challenge came along, though, I did my part, working that puzzle with my keen intellect, and we were safe from tribal council. Now, if I could just get all of this estrogen washed off of me! Ewwww.
As soon as I laid eyes on that immunity idol, I was like, "Come to mama, sweet baby!" Now that I've got it, I'm never letting go. Never! Hey, I earned it - did you see any of the other girls pulling their weight like I did? Skinny Danni could hardly dig in the dirt without passing out, but I was holding my own with Judd the Gentleman and Jamie the Genius. *rolls eyes* Those brawny bozos ain't got nothin' on me! I may be tiny, but I pack a punch! Of course, I have had some experience with dragging
dead bodiesheavy sacks of animal feed through the dirt, so it was no biggie. And it never hurts to have some chocolate coursing through your veins - yeehaw! Judd better think twice if he thinks he's safe around this powerhouse. A little more candy, and I won't even need the monkeys' help. *evil cackle*
"She's a very kinky girl! Doo Doo Dee Doo...The kind you don't take home to mother.."...Oh! Sorry, I didn't know you were there! *hand shuffles into the camera's view*
This week Amy confronted me about my quarterback past. I kept my cool, though, and denied everything. I am sure she couldn't tell I was lying from my mannerisms and high pitched voice. "Me?...No!...I wish!...I place rocks in pretty rows for a living, I swear." Unfortunately I had to vote her out to show my loyalty to Danni. With the merge approaching, though, I am sitting pretty no matter which side comes out on top. I'm Gary "Final Four" Hawkins Bitches!
Steph thought I was being rude when I wouldn't chat with everyone at the pool, but I totally wasn't! The thing is... well. It's so embarassing, it's almost unspeakable. Okay, okay, I'll tell you IF you promise not to tell Judd. He'll never let me live it down. See, the jungle fruit doesn't agree with me too well, and... well... I had a little accident while we were rowing over to their camp. You're totally laughing at me, aren't you? Well, I had a problem standing up without showing my skid mark. And even though I stayed close to Judd, I think Danni could smell it a little bit. Shut up! I need to go scrub my drawers and find some fiber.
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Burntcrow, Dinahann, Lucy, Mariner, mrdobolina, oneTVslave, Roseskid, Speedbump, Suncat7, and Totoro.