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Thread: Paulie's Precaps - Episode 1: Flare Sack

  1. #21
    FORT Fanatic Luna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    Jeff’s nostrils flare, and he points a quivering finger at him. “Hey! We do not mention the competition on this show. Do you read me?”

    Rob nods. “Sorry, big brother. I’m just an average joe. I don’t want any big fat obnoxious trouble with you. Consider me your apprentice. I’m just trying to learn from an American idol like you. Me, I just lead a simple life.”

    That was fantastic, Paulie! And I'm glad to see the return of the wildcats!

  2. #22
    FORT Fogey Silverstar's Avatar
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    Nothing compares to Paulie's precaps!

    That was b-e-a-utiful!

  3. #23
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    Classic Paulie as usual.

    People are now sticking their heads in my office to make sure I'm allright, I'm laughed so hard I'm crying.
    "Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"

  4. #24
    FORT Fan bobmac's Avatar
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    Another excellent job Paulie. In order to quote, I would have to include the pre-cap in its entirety.

  5. #25
    Only here for Survivor... Faulkenham's Avatar
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    Osten’s name tag rattles noisily in the warm breeze.
    I am loving this.
    Jeff picks up a bullhorn and speaks into it. “Back row, take a step back.” In unison, the entire back row moves a step closer to the tree line. “OK, you clowns can keep walking,” Jeff says. “I didn’t say ‘Survivor Sez.’ Thanks for playing. And thanks for winning me fifty bucks. Burnett didn’t think that trick would work. What a fool.” Crestfallen, the sixteenth row of Survivors slinks back into the trees and disappears. Jeff shakes his head in amusement. “Burnett was terrified those guys would somehow make it onto the show. I knew he had nothing to worry about. OK, back to it.
    I thought I was going to lose it when I read this part.
    “Dude!” Robb exclaims. “I so totally don’t care that I can’t play in your stupid rules-filled game!”
    Miss him...
    “Anyone else want to just quit?” Osten’s torch falls over. “All right then. Let’s continue.”
    Paulie, you are killing me.
    Thanks for jumping, though, Tanya.”
    Who wrote this again??
    “Oo, too bad, Fairplay!” Jeff yells. “Survivor didn’t say to catch the anvil. You’re eliminated.”
    Too much.
    Only Vee is missing, but nobody really remembers when she dropped out.
    Thank goodness.
    “Now dive into the fire.” Michael Skupin lurches to his feet... “Well, that was interesting,” Jeff says as he steps back onto the platform. “We actually wanted him to play.
    I am seriously laughing out loud.
    “Well, isn’t that ironic?” he says. “Brian can’t get it up. Hit the road, Heidik.”
    I bet spegs loved that line.
    “I should’ve known you’d be the one to break the silence, Cesternino. You never could keep your mouth shut.
    I am going to hurt myself...
    He stares at a fluffy cloud passing overhead and chews on his lower lip. Eventually, he blinks rapidly and returns his focus to the Survivors. “Well. Sorry about that. I guess you never know when you’re going to be hit by one of Life’s little lessons.
    Paulie, stop already, my system can't handle it.
    “Hey! We do not mention the competition on this show.
    Too good.
    “This is All-Stars, Hawk.

    a can of beans. “It’s all about familiarity,”
    For some unexplained reason I loved the beans.
    “This is going to be a great series,” he murmurs aloud.
    It sure is going to be.
    “Chapera has lost their digger! Let’s see how this plays out!”
    Love his excitement.
    “Y’all cain f’get it,” he roars. “Nok gon’ drahn mah sailf. Y’all cain ait those bains!”
    I couldn't understand Darrah in S7, and now I can't understand Tom.
    “Mogo Mogo wins First Immunity!” he calls. “And beans!”
    They got the beans!
    “Oh, now this is interesting!” Jeff calls. “Rudy’s drawing a bead on the Chapera sled. “...And a very resourceful victory for you guys! Congratulations!” He shakes Rudy’s hand heartily.
    Wonderful ending.
    “You’re not smahtah than me.” He smiles and removes his hat to scratch his head, revealing the word “STUPID” written on his forehead.
    Paulie, it was incredible, I am ready to start the season now. Thank you so much.
    "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - JFK

  6. #26
    Only here for Survivor... Faulkenham's Avatar
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    And sorry for the really long reply.
    "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - JFK

  7. #27
    Sexy evil genius Paulie's Avatar
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    No, no! I'm good with the really long reply.
    When you're ten years old and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again. - Jack Handey

    Read Paulie's Precaps for Survivor:Vanuatu: 1-2-3-4-5

  8. #28
    Go Adria and Natalie! CaNaDiAn FaN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    Jeff’s brow furrows. “I count a hundred and nine. Who’s missing?”

    “Oo, sorry, Jeff!” a tiny voice squeaks in the Thailand line. Little Clay peers around from behind Brian’s right calf. “I’m here!” He waves a doll-like hand at Jeff, who nods absently.

    “I’m here, as well,” a voice proclaims from the air behind Jenna Morasca. A male body flickers into existence between her and Rob Cesternino.

    Jeff’s eyelids lower halfway and flutter in annoyance. “Hello, Matthew,” he growls. “OK, everyone’s here,” he says.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    Jeff picks up a bullhorn and speaks into it. “Back row, take a step back.” In unison, the entire back row moves a step closer to the tree line. “OK, you clowns can keep walking,” Jeff says. “I didn’t say ‘Survivor Sez.’ Thanks for playing. And thanks for winning me fifty bucks. Burnett didn’t think that trick would work. What a fool.” Crestfallen, the sixteenth row of Survivors slinks back into the trees and disappears. Jeff shakes his head in amusement. “Burnett was terrified those guys would somehow make it onto the show. I knew he had nothing to worry about. OK, back to it. Survivor Sez clap your hands once. Gabe Cade, what are you doing? You’re just staring into space!”

    “It’s so wonderful here!” Gabe raves. “I love it. I love these people!

    “Get outta here, ya freak. You didn’t clap.” Gabe skips through the crowd and away into the trees. "Awright, Survivor Sez bark like a dog. No! Zbacnik! You clucked like a chicken! You’re out.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    Jeff stares at B.B. as he leaves. “Ooooohkay,” he says. “Anyone else want to just quit?” Osten’s torch falls over. “All right then. Let’s continue.”
    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    Little Clay scampers along at the back of the pack, cursing loudly in a twangy, squeaky voice.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    He locks eyes with Matt. “I’m not surprised to see you’re still here,” he grumbles. Then his eyes swing to the left and settle on Amber. “Can’t say I expected you’d still be around, though.” His eyes drift even further left to Jenna Lewis. “Or you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    “Matt, Survivor Sez step forward.” Matt approaches, a look of steely determination in his eyes. “Survivor Sez become pure energy.” Matt sizzles and crackles, then condenses into a throbbing electric blue ball. “Survivor Sez go back in time.”

    “I already did,” comes a voice from the electric blue ball.

    “Curses!” Jeff cries. “Survivor Sez become an iron bar.” The ball disappears and a large metal ingot drops to the ground. “Survivor Sez fly to the moon and back.” The ingot morphs into a metal rocket-man and blasts into space. Several minutes later, it returns and hands Jeff a dusty golf ball. “Wow, that’s good,” Jeff says. Then he squints at Matt. “Survivor Sez saw yourself in half.” Matt extends his right arm, which is suddenly serrated along one edge. With a single karate chop, he slices the arm through his midsection and drops to the ground in two halves. Jeff claps a hand to his mouth and dry-heaves. “Oh, that’s gross!” he exclaims. “Put yourself back together.” The two body halves float into the air, orient themselves and click together. Matt then rotates along the new connection point and settles lightly to the ground on his feet. He puts his hands on his hips and smiles. Jeff cackles with glee and claps his hands. “Oh, I’m sorry, Matthew!” he says in an artificially sweet voice. “Survivor didn’t say.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    He stares at a fluffy cloud passing overhead and chews on his lower lip. Eventually, he blinks rapidly and returns his focus to the Survivors. “Well. Sorry about that. I guess you never know when you’re going to be hit by one of Life’s little lessons.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    Rob nods. “Sorry, big brother. I’m just an average joe. I don’t want any big fat obnoxious trouble with you. Consider me your apprentice. I’m just trying to learn from an American idol like you. Me, I just lead a simple life.”

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    “What buoy?” Rupert growls.

    “Right out there on the horizon. Here. These might help.” He hands a pair of binoculars to Rupert.

    “Oh,” he says quietly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    Rob swears and slams the flat edge of his shovel against the ground in frustration. It rebounds and slams into his forehead. He slumps to the ground and is still. “Oh, my!” Jeff cries out. “Chapera has lost their digger! Let’s see how this plays out!” He leans forward in his chair.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    “Hey, that’s great,” Rob says dreamily, a wide grin on his face. Lex rumbles by, a screaming Shii Ann bouncing along behind him. “What’s going on?” Rob asks, turning his head to inspect the loud shouts. As he does so, a chair leg snaps off and windmills through the air toward him. He has time to squeak, “No,” before it smacks off his skull. He collapses to the ground again.
    I love seeing Rob get hurt.
    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    Familiarity is our big buzz-word this season, just like what was last year, Rupe?”

    “Pirates,” Rupert rumbles.

    “Good for you!” Jeff exclaims. “I was going to make you do a bunch of pushups if you’d forgotten our theme. I’m proud of you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    The following evening at Tribal Council, Amazon Rob is shocked when his tribe votes him out 5-1. “Hey, Rahb,” Boston Rob calls as his counterpart has his torch snuffed. “You’re not smahtah than me.” He smiles and removes his hat to scratch his head, revealing the word “STUPID” written on his forehead.
    Currently Watching:
    Big Brother 5 - Canadian Idol

    - Nokomis - Theresa

  9. #29
    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    “Oo, sorry, Jeff!” a tiny voice squeaks in the Thailand line. Little Clay peers around from behind Brian’s right calf. “I’m here!” He waves a doll-like hand at Jeff, who nods absently.

    “I’m here, as well,” a voice proclaims from the air behind Jenna Morasca. A male body flickers into existence between her and Rob Cesternino.

    “It’s so wonderful here!” Gabe raves. “I love it. I love these people!”

    “Get outta here, ya freak. You didn’t clap.” Gabe skips through the crowd and away into the trees. “Awright, Survivor Sez bark like a dog. No! Zbacnik! You clucked like a chicken! You’re out.”

    “Dude!” Robb exclaims. “I so totally don’t care that I can’t play in your stupid rules-filled game!” He lobs a double-barrelled flip-off in Jeff’s direction and leaves.


    Jeff breaks into a broad grin. “Well, isn’t that ironic?” he says. “Brian can’t get it up. Hit the road, Heidik.” Brian scowls and stalks away, swiping sand from his big hair as he goes.

    He smiles and removes his hat to scratch his head, revealing the word “STUPID” written on his forehead.
    I literally could have quoted and quoted.
    Wonderful writing as always Paulie.
    I love your references to past incidents.
    Great job.

    I still think I'm the only one that misses Robb
    "That's Numberwang!"

  10. #30
    FORT Fogey
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    Jonny Fairplay, however, doesn’t move. He braces himself for the blow and is instantaneously pile-driven into the ground by the enormous metal object. Only a puff of his blond curly hair is visible at the edge of the huge sandy crater. “Oo, too bad, Fairplay!” Jeff yells. “Survivor didn’t say to catch the anvil. You’re eliminated.”
    i knew we had to have some of that in there!

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