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Thread: Paulie's Precaps - Episode 1: Flare Sack

  1. #11
    Oh YEAH!!! Aptly_Named's Avatar
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    Paulie, I think you outdid yourself - that was brilliant!

    Rob nods. “Sorry, big brother. I’m just an average joe. I don’t want any big fat obnoxious trouble with you. Consider me your apprentice. I’m just trying to learn from an American idol like you. Me, I just lead a simple life.”

  2. #12
    Horror of Horrors emjoi's Avatar
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    Thanks for giving JFP one final Anvil to the head.

  3. #13
    FORT Fogey
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    I just imagined that little doll hand waving while I was in traffic and had to laugh out loud! Thanks Paulie

  4. #14
    Smiling again... Zhora's Avatar
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    I loved all the references to Non-All-Star Survivors. What an unexpected treat!

    Peter Harkey has a finger in one of the many holes above his neck.

    “Oo, sorry, Jeff!” a tiny voice squeaks in the Thailand line. Little Clay peers around from behind Brian’s right calf. “I’m here!” He waves a doll-like hand at Jeff, who nods absently.

    “Burnett was terrified those guys would somehow make it onto the show. I knew he had nothing to worry about…”

    “It’s so wonderful here!” Gabe raves. “I love it. I love these people!”

    “Dude!” Robb exclaims. “I so totally don’t care that I can’t play in your stupid rules-filled game!” He lobs a double-barrelled flip-off in Jeff’s direction and leaves.

    “Anyone else want to just quit?” Osten’s torch falls over. “All right then. Let’s continue.”

    “Catch your anvil!” he cries. Lex, Amazon Rob, Kathy, and Rudy dive out of the way. Jonny Fairplay, however, doesn’t move. He braces himself for the blow and is instantaneously pile-driven into the ground by the enormous metal object. Only a puff of his blond curly hair is visible at the edge of the huge sandy crater. “Oo, too bad, Fairplay!” Jeff yells. “Survivor didn’t say to catch the anvil. You’re eliminated.”

    Only Vee is missing, but nobody really remembers when she dropped out.

    “Well, isn’t that ironic?” he says. “Brian can’t get it up. Hit the road, Heidik.
    Hilarious stuff!
    I’m haunted a little this evening by feelings that have no vocabulary and events that should be explained in dimensions of lint rather than words.
    -Richard Brautigan

  5. #15
    ABE
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    “Hey, Jeff,” Ethan says as he dons his buff. “Did you notice Matt took your pants when he went back in time?” He nods at Jeff’s smiley-face boxers.



    Congratulations Paulie. An All-Star pre-cap to begin the AS season. ChillOne may be spoiling things for MB but no-one can spoil your pre-caps.

    Poor Jeffie. He can't even get voted off to save himself from being Ocelot bait!

  6. #16
    FORT Fogey
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    “Hey, Jeff,” Ethan says as he dons his buff. “Did you notice Matt took your pants when he went back in time?” He nods at Jeff’s smiley-face boxers.

    A pair of wildcats poke their heads out from behind a distant tree. “Well, how ‘bout that?” the ocelot says. “He’s back!”

    Jeff nods absently. “Yes, yes, it could have. But, you know, it’s just not as fun beating on you anymore. Not when I’ve had Fairplay around for a punching bag.” He sighs. “I guess things change, whether we want them to or not.”

    Rob nods. “Sorry, big brother. I’m just an average joe. I don’t want any big fat obnoxious trouble with you. Consider me your apprentice. I’m just trying to learn from an American idol like you. Me, I just lead a simple life.”


    Great job, Paulie! I loved the whole thing. It was just AWESOME!

  7. #17
    Plotting spegs's Avatar
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    Paulie is back!

    Here are my favorites not mentioned above...

    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    Jeff picks up a bullhorn and speaks into it. “Back row, take a step back.” In unison, the entire back row moves a step closer to the tree line. “OK, you clowns can keep walking,” Jeff says. “I didn’t say ‘Survivor Sez.’ Thanks for playing. And thanks for winning me fifty bucks. Burnett didn’t think that trick would work. What a fool.”

    “OK, all you guys that jumped. All of you. You’re out. Thanks for jumping, though, Tanya.”

    Michael shrugs. “I’m the guy that fell in the fire,” he says. “I didn’t want anyone to take that away from me.” He turns and retreats into the woods.

    “Survivor Sez become pure energy.” Matt sizzles and crackles, then condenses into a throbbing electric blue ball. “Survivor Sez go back in time.”
    “I already did,” comes a voice from the electric blue ball.

    Jeff nods absently. “Yes, yes, it could have. But, you know, it’s just not as fun beating on you anymore. Not when I’ve had Fairplay around for a punching bag.” He sighs. “I guess things change, whether we want them to or not.” He stares at a fluffy cloud passing overhead and chews on his lower lip. Eventually, he blinks rapidly and returns his focus to the Survivors. “Well. Sorry about that. I guess you never know when you’re going to be hit by one of Life’s little lessons.


    “What buoy?” Rupert growls.
    “Right out there on the horizon. Here. These might help.” He hands a pair of binoculars to Rupert.
    “Oh,” he says quietly.

    “Ta-da!” he cries, whipping off the cover and revealing a can of beans. “It’s all about familiarity,” he nods.


    Richard splashes out of the water at that moment with a triumphant roar. He turns and reels in Jenna, then picks her up and charges to the mat, balancing her chair on his head. He leaps on to the mat and spikes Jenna’s chair in celebration. She shrieks as the chair splinters underneath her, but she appears to be unhurt.

    Jeff leaps out of his director’s chair and holds his hands in the air. “Mogo Mogo wins First Immunity!” he calls. “And beans!”

    Anyway, we often kick off each Survivor series by dragging heavy things around in the Immunity Challenge. You know, wagons, big carts of steel, things like that.
    I'm a happy woman. Thanks, Paulie! (Especially for Matt's return, and the hinted demise of JFP).
    "Look, you love me, and I love you. Maybe in a different time, a different place, this would work out. But we both know that only one of us is leaving this room alive, and I'm the one holding the flame thrower." - Film Fakers

  8. #18
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    great precap!
    "Everyone is ugly in thier own way" - SurvivorFreak

    "So much time, so little to do" - Garfield

  9. #19
    Back to the kitty lalol's Avatar
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    Paulie's precaps are B A C K
    As always it's so hilarious

  10. #20
    eternal optimist Shazzer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie
    Peter Harkey has a finger in one of the many holes above his neck.

    “Dude!” Robb exclaims. “I so totally don’t care that I can’t play in your stupid rules-filled game!” He lobs a double-barrelled flip-off in Jeff’s direction and leaves.

    Little Clay scampers along at the back of the pack, cursing loudly in a twangy, squeaky voice. He leaps onto Mitchell’s pant leg and climbs up to his shoulder, where he sits and sulks.

    Jonny Fairplay, however, doesn’t move. He braces himself for the blow and is instantaneously pile-driven into the ground by the enormous metal object. Only a puff of his blond curly hair is visible at the edge of the huge sandy crater. “Oo, too bad, Fairplay!” Jeff yells. “Survivor didn’t say to catch the anvil. You’re eliminated.”

    Only Vee is missing, but nobody really remembers when she dropped out.

    Michael shrugs. “I’m the guy that fell in the fire,” he says. “I didn’t want anyone to take that away from me.” He turns and retreats into the woods.

    Jeff breaks into a broad grin. “Well, isn’t that ironic?” he says. “Brian can’t get it up. Hit the road, Heidik.” Brian scowls and stalks away, swiping sand from his big hair as he goes.

    “Curses!” Jeff cries. “Survivor Sez become an iron bar.” The ball disappears and a large metal ingot drops to the ground. “Survivor Sez fly to the moon and back.” The ingot morphs into a metal rocket-man and blasts into space. Several minutes later, it returns and hands Jeff a dusty golf ball. “Wow, that’s good,” Jeff says. Then he squints at Matt. “Survivor Sez saw yourself in half.” Matt extends his right arm, which is suddenly serrated along one edge. With a single karate chop, he slices the arm through his midsection and drops to the ground in two halves. Jeff claps a hand to his mouth and dry-heaves. “Oh, that’s gross!” he exclaims. “Put yourself back together.” The two body halves float into the air, orient themselves and click together. Matt then rotates along the new connection point and settles lightly to the ground on his feet. He puts his hands on his hips and smiles. Jeff cackles with glee and claps his hands. “Oh, I’m sorry, Matthew!” he says in an artificially sweet voice. “Survivor didn’t say.”



    With lightning speed, he flips the fan at Rob. It sizzles through the air like a metal frisbee of death.

    “What is this? The Mole?” Rob cracks.

    Jeff’s nostrils flare, and he points a quivering finger at him. “Hey! We do not mention the competition on this show. Do you read me?”

    Rob nods. “Sorry, big brother. I’m just an average joe. I don’t want any big fat obnoxious trouble with you. Consider me your apprentice. I’m just trying to learn from an American idol like you. Me, I just lead a simple life.”

    “Hey, Rahb,” Boston Rob calls as his counterpart has his torch snuffed. “You’re not smahtah than me.” He smiles and removes his hat to scratch his head, revealing the word “STUPID” written on his forehead.
    #1. First off...this whole thing was solid, freakin' gold!! I laughed out loud! And yayyy!! The precaps are back! This is the mothah of all precaps! All hail to the precap deity!

    #2. The challenges were fantastic!!!! The sitters/diggers/swimmers/climbers Heavy flaming carts! LOVED that! Too much to comment on the challenges, or I'd have to quote the whole dang precap!!

    #3. You da man when it comes to accents! Wow! I.e. Boston Rob, Big Tom, Rudy…etc. You nailed it! I could "hear" them.

    #4. The electric blue orb and body-halving stuff was just craziness! Extremely crazy tasty goodness that is! At it’s finest!! "You so crazy..I think I wanna have yo baybay" <-------reference to Salt 'n Peppa only Anyway, you ah crazy! Crazy like a fox!

    #5. Just a teeny tiny sample of the great quotes above. You da man! "smack" *high fivin' Paulie*

    #6. Loved all the personalized wise cracks about former players. Personally loved how small and monkey-like you made Clay.

    Anyhow, bravo dude, brahhVOH!!
    Last edited by Shazzer; 01-29-2004 at 01:53 AM.
    "If you're like me, you have a 'been there, done that' attitude when it comes to paleolithic paleontology." - Jon Stewart

    "I swear, you are the ho-ho ho." - OTS

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