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Thread: Episode 5 recap - "Spit, Don't Swallow".

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    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    Episode 5 recap - "Spit, Don't Swallow".

    After lobbing the Immunity challenge victory to the Morgan’s last week, we get to start out the show in the company of the Drake’s after their very first Tribal Council.

    Jon “outs” Shawn as having taken his advice and voted for Burton.
    Shawn goes on to tell the group that he never really trusted Burton and wanted to find a way to get rid of him. I guess it took Jon to point out to him that voting someone out is an excellent way to get rid of him.
    Shawn continues to trash Burton as the Drake’s gather round their fire.
    The fact that he never mentioned the idea to anyone should in no way be taken to mean Shawn didn’t absolutely want rid of Burton. So, it was pretty much all Shawn’s idea really… apparently.

    Day 13

    We begin the day at the Morgan camp, where the tide is coming ever closer to washing the shelter away.
    Rupert’s suggestion that they might want to move the shelter is met with shrugs from the Morgan’s, who are trying desperately not to concede that some measure of effort will be necessary to avoid their shelter becoming flooded. Osten remain stubbornly resistant, suggesting there is really no need to move the shelter until they are actually engulfed by the tide.
    Sometimes Osten, you’re right, prevention is not better than cure. There is no point putting a band aid on before you get a cut, but there is equally no point putting a bullet-proof vest on after you’ve taken a slug to the lung.
    He proposes they move the shelter back about eighteen inches, obviously with a view to following up with “well if we’re only moving it back that far, we might as well not move it at all” if he can get the others on board. Besides which, Rupert’s suggestion to move the shelter back a safety conscious forty feet, put them right on the lip of the forest, which is full of leaves that feel like snakes.

    Rupert notes in confessional that the Morgan’s spend a great deal of time trying to figure out how to avoid work. They decide to vote on Osten’s foot and a half shelter move proposal and much to his disgust no one else raises a hand in support. They move the shelter to it’s new position…it collapses.

    Over at the Drake tribe, the talk turns to Rupert and what vital Drake information he might be spilling to the Morgan’s. A Drake, who clearly wasn’t listening to Jiff when he explained he would only be at Morgan through the reward challenge, floats the idea that he might have even decided to align with them.

    Talking of Rupert, we head back to the Morgan camp to find him hungry and thirsty and on a mission to bag them some breakfast. Rhino is eager to learn how to fish with the spear, so thrilled to do a spot of mentoring, Rupert and Rhino take to the Ocean.
    Rupert soon catches a fish, but Rhino lets it slip away while trying to get it into their bag.
    Rupert you may have to go right back to basics with Rhino, lesson 1. fish are slippery.

    Back on shore, Rhino tells the rest of the tribe that he let a fish slip away, only to be asked “why?” He barely has time to explain the concept “accident” before Rupert emerges from the water with his catch.
    Applause and hugging follow, the Morgan’s will finally have a decent meal.


    Day 14

    Rupert, being the only person on the Morgan beach with any get up and go, is obviously the one to retrieve the tree mail.
    Osten, scowls, was it really necessary to get it just yet?

    He takes the mail back to the rest of the group, who decide that “it’s ok Rupert, you can read it for us”.

    The stench around your camp, smells like one of you has died,
    you know this oar means paddling, when have we ever lied?
    There is some swimming too though, Jon,
    So ask for Michelle’s glasses.
    Win toiletries and a shower,
    So you can wash your funky asses.


    Tijuana is all “eyes and teeth” at the thought of the prize, while Darrah, as usual, looks as miserable as a bird-dog in a conservation area.

    The question for Rupert is, does he go all out to beat Drake?
    Would they think him a traitor if he tried hard for his temporary tribe, or would they realize he is the reason they have won so many challenges?
    The Morgan’s are so beat from their walk to group round Rupert for the clue reading, they’ve decided to have a quick pre-challenge nap, so all questions remain unanswered.

    Reward Challenge.

    The camera swoops across the ocean to Challenge Beach.
    Jiff is in position and ushers the Survivor’s to him with a “come on in guys”.
    The Morgan tribe reaches their mat first…finally, so I will tentatively propose a “whoever gets to the mat first will win the challenge” spoiler. We can revisit this theory once the challenge is complete.
    Rupert glances over to the Drakes, a distant look of “do you still love me in his eyes”.
    Jonny Fairplay (he doesn’t play fair) raises his thumb in dual confirmation that “yes, they do still love him” and “yes, our plan to boot Burton worked”.
    Rupert nods his understanding and approval as the Drakes take up position on their mat.
    Despite being second in file behind Trish, Jon takes a spot on the nearest corner.
    Shattered, he hands the tribal flag pole to Shawn and slumps into his resting pose of arms folded, index and middle fingers on twin “V’s”. Jon has his socks pulled up to the knee. Wasn’t he wearing dress pants when he jumped off the boat? Who the hell wears knee high socks with dress pants?
    Who the hell wears knee high socks?

    Jiff reminds them that they are about to play a reward challenge and goes on to explain the finer points.
    The Survivor’s are required to paddle out to a series of wooden crates and dive down to the ocean floor to collect two ladder rungs at each crate.
    Each rung of the ladder has different shaped ends, so the ladder can only be put together one way. Once back on land with the eight rungs, one member of the team has to branch off into the jungle to retrieve a scale model of Marilyn Manson from a guy called Manuel…or something. The camera pans over the faces of the Drake tribe. All heads cocked to one side, listening to Jiff intently, except for Shawn who is gazing off to his right.
    As usual, the Survivor’s do want to know what they’re playing for, so Jiff removes the fabric cover from the prize, to reveal a portable shower and a bunch of toiletries, just as the clue had hinted. The Morgan’s could also win the first piece of their treasure map.
    Yes Morgan, like Drake, you too could enjoy a whole box full of rancid crap.


    The challenge gets under way with Jiff’s customary, “Survivor’s ready? Go!”
    Rupert is last to react to Jiff’s “go”, but manages to catch up with the rest of his tribe and take position at the front of the boat.
    Both Jon and Osten opt for the lazy bastard position at the rudder.
    Even before they reach the first of the crates, the Drake team is steering off course.
    At box 1, we are given a stunning close up of Rupert’s bug bitten back as he dives down to collect the first of the rungs. Rupert is back in the boat and the Morgan’s are on their way to box 2 before the Drake’s finally arrive at box 1. As Shawn dives down to collect the first of their rungs, it sounds like Jiff declares the diver to be Jon, which we know can’t be right.
    The Morgan’s reach their second crate and Rupert dives down again. Meanwhile, on the Drake boat, Christa is working her paddle like a giant wooden spoon, circling on Trish’s opposite beat. They miraculously make their way to crate two. Jiff generously deems Shawn’s feet first plop into the water a dive. Once he is back in the boat, the tribe heads past their row of crates, past Morgan’s row of crates and head off toward the horizon with Jon frantically agitating the rudder from side to side. All the rowers are have their paddles on the same side of the boat, given enough time and a clear stretch of water, they would eventually execute a perfect circle. Furious that his role in the challenge has extended beyond a simple and occasional turn of the rudder, Jon screams for the women rowers to get back on course. While we’re watching Rupert dive for Morgan’s final two pieces, it has obviously occurred to someone how to get the Drake’s back on course, as they finally begin to head in the right direction.

    Having collected all the Morgan rungs, Rupert now takes up a paddle and helps them slice through the water and quickly back to shore.
    Ever the stickler, Jiff cautions them not to get out of the boat until they touch sand, but when he fails to mention what will happen if they do, I rather wish someone had challenged him on that point. They don’t.
    After finally gaining some sailing form, the Drake’s soon collect rungs five and six and make their way to the final crate. Here, Shawn decides present his dive in the form of a “cartwheel”, landing several feet past the crate. The Morgan’s lead is such that they are on land before Shawn has the final two rungs in his possession. Andrew makes the unilateral decision that he will be the one to run into the forest to find the Idol, and does so as soon as the Morgan boat hits the shore.
    Having collected the final two rungs, Shawn decides to make his way to the back of the boat to take over the steering from Jon. He races past each of he ladies, keeping his centre of gravity low so as to retain his balance. He places his hand on Trish’s backside for apparently no other reason than he wanted to touch it, so, here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson.
    Andrew has already retrieved the Idol and is back on the beach with the rest of the Morgan’s and their half-assembled ladder before the Drake’s hit the beach.

    Jiff has become increasingly vocal over the years. Here, he takes great delight in nyah., nyah style put downs such as “glad you could join us” to the Drake team. Splendid. Sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit, but I challenge you to find one that’s funner.
    There is always someone who will find pleasure in saying “Good afternoon” to someone who turns up ten minutes late to work.

    Morgan makes light work of assembling the remainder of their ladder. It looks as though they have propped it up against their tower at too tight an angle. A Wile Coyote style ladder smash would surely have resulted for the Morgan’s before Rupert arrived and gave the tribe some challenge credibility. Damn you Rupert. Andrew does trip slightly on the first rung, so we’ll have to make do with that. He soon ascends the ladder though, and the Morgan’s have their first genuine victory. My “first to the mat” theory panned out.
    Jiff declares them the winners and has clearly bought into the whole “Andrew is our leader” bit, by leaning across the rest of the tribe to hand him the first part of the treasure map. Rupert is offered the option of sharing the reward with Morgan or going back to Drake. He doesn’t hesitate in making the short journey across the sand to be with his old tribe. While the Morgan’s look sad to see him go, they console themselves by rifling through their supplies. As the Drakes leave for their beach, Rupert turns and throws a clenched fist salute to the Morgan’s. We don’t get to see their response, but I imagine the sentiment is returned.

    After the break, we find ourselves in the company of the Morgan’s in time to witness an Andrew “confessional”. A baby scorpion decides to walk across the trunk of the tree Andrew is sitting in front of and appears to nestle in his hair, Fear Factor style.
    Savage desperately tries to convince us that the RC victory was not all down to Rupert.
    It may have looked that way, but it was only about 50% down to him. The rest was all down to the tribe. I mean, when you think about it Rupert was only what? 60-70% responsible, 80% tops, certainly no more than 90%. The rest of the tribe was doing a great job in the boat. They were clearly responsible for a full 5% of that victory.

    The tribe decides once again to examine their reward booty, “what, we get to keep this?” looks on their faces. Tijuana takes hold of the loofah and smells it deeply. Not sure why, loofah’s aren’t scented. Unless this one still contains “Eau De Osten” after he scratched it down his back and suspiciously close to his butt crack on challenge beach. Andrew takes the portable shower, and lashes it to a palm tree as promised in his last confessional. Why he decides to pick a tree in clear view of everyone no matter where they happen to be standing on the beach is a mystery. You could have ensured a little privacy by going a few paces back into the forest Andrew, I hear it’s full of trees.
    As Darrah strips down and enjoys the shower, Colby’s mother peeps out from behind a tree to take a few shots to add to her “Survivor’s taking a shower” collection. While Darrah is showering, we get to try and decipher a confessional. Apparently she is pleased that the guys respect the females by not looking while they are having a shower. She in turn respects them for respecting her. Either that, or Phil Spector apparently has a brother called Ray.

    Time to visit the Drake’s, where we see that as they have now lost a couple of challenges, they are introduced to us with a few seconds of crab footage.
    Crab=loser this season, folks.

    The challenge post mortem is underway, lead by Trish who questions Jon’s mastery of the rudder. Jon brushes her accusations aside in favour of welcoming Rupert back to the beach. Of course the talk soon turns to his stay with the Morgan’s, how little food they have and how Osten is MB’s dream, a genuine lazy-ass black guy. It just makes it so much easier in editing if your black guy is lazy.
    Rupert tells the tribe the Morgan’s knew their was no point in trying to recruit him, that they know a Drake will win this whole thing.
    At this point, I would like to welcome back our old friend “Foreshadowing”.
    Foreshadowing has had a busy summer making weekly appearances on Paradise Hotel.
    Good to have you back buddy.

    Just then, the boat arrives from the Morgan beach. Andrew is here for the looting, the final part of their reward. Jonny Fairplay notes that he has bought a peace offering and resists the temptation to make a comment about Andrew holding his coconuts.
    Rupert decides to remind Andrew that he can take whatever he wants, but goes one step further and tells him what he wants him to take and ushers him to the rice.
    Rupert pours a couple more bowls of rice into the bag that Andrew has decided to take and to the sound of “tell everybody hey”, Andrew takes his leave, noting in confessional that he hopes the merge will come soon. Yes, o.k. foreshadowing, you can sit down now, I think you’ve worked hard enough this episode.

    Day 15.

    We’ve barely had time to recover from the RC before the mail arrives signaling the IC is about to get underway.

    The poem makes it very clear the gross food challenge is up next, which causes consternation for Trish who “just isn’t good at that sort of thing”.
    Michelle apparently has no problem eating disgusting things, which must be music to Jon’s ears, so the plan is hatched for her to act as if she’s thoroughly grossed out so the Morgan’s will pick her in the event of a tie. Good plan. Michelle goes over the finer points of “the plan” in a confessional, followed by Trish who also details “the plan”. I guess they really want us to be aware of “the plan” then. Anyone else get the feeling “the plan” is doomed to failure?
    Rupert finds a small snake floating in the water and decides to administer a little medical assistance and follow Jon’s suggestion of taking the snake to the challenge with them.

    Immunity Challenge.

    Jiff calls them in. There really is no clear winner in the race to the mat, so I’m going with my failure of “the plan” theory in determining a Morgan victory.
    After gaining no response to his “how’s it going?” question, Jiff decides to focus his attention on the visitor Rupert has bought with him. Rupert explains that the snake is their new mascot and they have named him Balboa. Suspiciously quiet all episode, Christa decides to unnecessarily shout out “Balboa” and begins a domino effect of randomness among the Survivor’s, which Jon continues by virtue of his solo clapping when Jiff takes the Idol back from Savage.

    Once again, Jiff is required to do some unveiling, and swishes the fabric covering to reveal the “Survivor Smoothie Bar”.
    There is a coloured wheel, divided into 12 different sections. There are eight different seafood’s, plus coconut juice, mango, seawater and the mysterious “Jeff’s Special”.

    Jiff explains that the Survivor’s will approach the wheel in pairs, one from each tribe, roll a ball each around the wheel, and he will prepare a cocktail for them out of whatever items they land on. No one from the Drake tribe will get to sit this out, so whoever goes first and second on the Morgan team will have to go twice. Obviously, Osten takes up neither position on the Morgan bench.

    First up, Sandra and Andrew. Sandra lands on “Bleeding Clam” and Andrew on “Sardines”. Jiff gleefully prepares the concoction, which Andrew manages to down in just two attempts. Sandra is making much more of a fuss. Has “the plan” changed?
    Eventually she downs it and the next two contestants, Rhino and Michelle, take their turn.
    Michelle makes a few half-hearted attempts at acting distraught, but she is overall pretty unconvincing. Once their smoothie of razor clams and octopus, Jiff’s choice after a ball landed on the “Jeff’s Special” segment, is blended, Michelle takes a look at the contents of her glass and down’s it in one. What just happened? What about the plan? Did they change the plan without telling any of us? By the way Shawn puts his head in his hands and Jon looks daggers at Michelle, I would say not. Michelle has basically decided to abandon the plan. It was a good plan too. She makes her way back to her seat looking rather too pleased with herself than she should and lets out a massive burp, which draws more looks of disgust from her fellow Survivor’s on both tribes than the ingredients at the smoothie bar. She aborts the plan with no prior consultation and has the audacity to look smug with her efforts.
    Of course, the Drakes should try to rally by having another confident person take over Michelle’s role in the plan. Next up to the bar is Jon though, so no joy there.
    He makes his way down from the bleachers, throwing his customary twin “V” pose.
    Unable to contain himself, Jiff asks Jon to explain the pose. Apparently, he’s Jonny Fairplay. One V is an F and one V is a Y. He’s all in the middle, he’s the “airpla”, if you rearrange that you get “PLAIAR” which is pronounced kind of like “player” and that’s what he is, he’s a playa baby.

    Jiff stifles a giggle as he instructs Jon and his opponent Darrah, to take their chances at the wheel.
    Jon informs Darrah that for her, he’d be more than willing to change his name to Jonny Foreplay and she become the first person to choke back vomit before a gross food challenge. Jon manages to down his smoothie quickly, leaving himself with a white frothy mustache (Got conch and coconut juice?) Darrah, chokes a couple of times, but eventually downs her smoothie too.

    Next up, Christa and Osten. I’m sure we would all expect Osten to perform like a major wuss, while he is slower than Christa, he still makes pretty light work of his squid and rock oyster combo.
    As we know, this is not a race, it’s a battle with yourself and the smoothie. For the first time we see two contestants that might be letting the smoothie win, in Trish and Tijuana. After some gagging and spitting, they both eventually down their drinks.
    Unfortunately for Andrew and Rhino they now have to take a second turn.
    Andrew and Shawn, then Rupert and Rhino clink glasses before polishing off a “Jeff’s special” and red shellfish and sardine and rock oyster drinks respectively.

    With the score at 7 each, the tiebreak now comes into effect. As the Drake’s expected, the Morgan’s will get to select who they want to compete for the Drakes and vice versa.
    With Michelle blowing the plan so spectacularly the Morgan’s decide Sandra had the greatest trouble during the first round and select her. Drake decides she should go up against Darrah in this now timed event.
    With a free hand to build a concoction of his choice, Jiff fills the blender with conch, rock oyster, bleeding clam and squid. Inexplicably, Sandra doesn’t protest until Jiff adds a dash of seawater. He garnishes the smoothie with a whole sardine, which he tells them they must eat in order to be declared the winner. After spluttering their way through the smoothie, both have a few problems with the sardine, before Darrah manages to down it and claim victory for the Morgan’s.
    Jiff reminds the Drake’s they have a date with him at TC and we cut to another break.

    The Drake’s solemnly walk back to camp.
    Sandra decides that now is a good time to remind everyone that she crapped out of the final stage of the IC. She brushes aside Christa’s attempts to placate her and at this point I would be tempted to vote for her simply to call an end to her pity party.
    Away from the main group, Shawn stands on the beach listening to Jon sound off about the challenge. He declares the last IC to be the easiest challenge they would ever have to face in the game, so one wonders why he was not willing to take over the role of gagger, duping the Morgan’s into selecting him for the tie-break. Oh wait, that wouldn’t be playing fair would it?
    He flips Michelle's ego the finger. She was supposed to gag, spit up, vomit, anything other than simply swallow down the smoothie.

    Rupert is becoming the King Pin of the Drake tribe. Shawn approaches him to discuss booting Michelle, then Michelle approaches him to discuss booting Shawn.
    When he confesses that he is warming to the idea put forth by Michelle, it becomes clear she will be the one to go. She couldn’t follow the last plan, the plan so who’s to say she’ll be able to write the right name on her parchment?

    Tribal Council.

    Even though Rupert has yet to go to Tribal Council, he appears to have fire.
    Foolishly, Jiff asks Sandra about the Immunity challenge tiebreaker, affording her the opportunity to bang on again about how she is worried because she let everyone down.
    His follow up question of “is the tribe splintering?” is also met with a “no, it’s all my fault” style answer from Sandra, but she does finally add a little interest to her response by hinting that their first IC they lost was deliberate.
    Jiff pounces on this response, directing a question to Jon about his lack of prowess with the rudder during the RC. Jon finally confesses that yes, they did throw the IC last week and looks very proud of himself until he realizes Jiff calling him cocky is not a compliment.
    Jif then moves on to ask Michelle a question, allowing her what is likely to be her final opportunity to speak before she is booted from the game. He questions the wisdom of throwing a challenge considering the positive effect the win could have had on the Morgan’s perception of self, which Michelle declares to be a “load of crap”, and it’s on to the vote.

    When Jiff does his tally. Michelle is bounced from the tribe. She waves meekly to the tribe as she leaves the council, ignoring Jon’s request for a memento. “Hey Michelle, can you leave me your glasses?”
    "That's Numberwang!"

  2. #2
    Premium Member Bumpkin's Avatar
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    Fluff, you are the best! Great recap as always. Especially loved these:

    Tijuana is all “eyes and teeth” at the thought of the prize, while Darrah, as usual, looks as miserable as a bird-dog in a conservation area.

    one member of the team has to branch off into the jungle to retrieve a scale model of Marilyn Manson from a guy called Manuel…or something.

    Both Jon and Osten opt for the lazy bastard position at the rudder.

    He races past each of he ladies, keeping his centre of gravity low so as to retain his balance. He places his hand on Trish’s backside for apparently no other reason than he wanted to touch it, so, here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson.

    Unless this one still contains “Eau De Osten” after he scratched it down his back and suspiciously close to his butt crack on challenge beach.

    Unless this one still contains “Eau De Osten” after he scratched it down his back and suspiciously close to his butt crack on challenge beach.
    You should be writing Tree Mail, too!

  3. #3
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Very funny Fluff
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  4. #4
    Combat Missions Fan Wolf's Avatar
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    Darrah, as usual, looks as miserable as a bird-dog in a conservation area.

    Unless this one still contains “Eau De Osten” after he scratched it down his back and suspiciously close to his butt crack on challenge beach.
    Great job, Fluff!

  5. #5
    FORT Fogey
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    No you did not use that title! Oh yes you did!!!!!


    Jon informs Darrah that for her, he’d be more than willing to change his name to Jonny Foreplay and she become the first person to choke back vomit before a gross food challenge.
    This was great you nailed that one!! Loved this recap Fuff!!!

  6. #6
    Plotting spegs's Avatar
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    You had me with the title, Fluff. Excellente!
    "Look, you love me, and I love you. Maybe in a different time, a different place, this would work out. But we both know that only one of us is leaving this room alive, and I'm the one holding the flame thrower." - Film Fakers

  7. #7
    Courtesy and Goodwill Mantenna's Avatar
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    Sometimes Osten, you’re right, prevention is not better than cure. There is no point putting a band aid on before you get a cut, but there is equally no point putting a bullet-proof vest on after you’ve taken a slug to the lung.
    Nice wordplay! Heaven forbid something would happen to his poor lungs. This is one of your best recaps yet, Fluff!!! Loveditloveditlovedit!!!

  8. #8
    Leo
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    Loved it, loved it, loved it.

  9. #9
    FORT Fan bobmac's Avatar
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    Excellent.

  10. #10
    Evil Slash Crazy Miss Filangi's Avatar
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    Brilliant as usual. Too much to quote but this was genius.
    Both Jon and Osten opt for the lazy bastard position at the rudder.
    If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker.
    It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.


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