The Chuay’s wait for the Sooks to return from TC.
Ted says he isn’t going to sleep until he finds out who they kicked off.
Brian and Clay won’t go to sleep until they see where Ted has settled for the night. Placement is everything when you’re trying to stave off a grinding.
Brian is doing pretty well on Survivor wouldn’t you say?
He is the understated ruler of the cave and all he surveys.
He would describe his reign as omnipotent, but cannot afford to be caught saying anything that sounds even remotely like “impotent”.
The step-child and the randy old man.
Obviously the working title of Brian latest “skin flick” is on his mind as he refers to Shii Ann as Soon Yi.
When Ted informs the group that voting off Shii Ann would be an “emotional decision”, Brian declares “correct” and jabs his index finger at Ted in a gun toting motion.
Duck Ted, that thing is loaded, Brian doesn’t fire blanks.
The Sook Jai four is limping back to camp.
Penny suddenly feels the need to deliver the most ridiculous pep talk since Silas’s “down on one knee” effort in Africa.
We’re four, we’re strong, we really get along.
Do you know why? Do you know why” We know why, coz we’re Sook Jai.
The joke’s on Shii Ann, I never was a fan.
She eats neck , she eats gut, booted her out on her butt.
Okay guys, we could still be competing as a tribe tomorrow so remember, be aggressive, be, be aggressive.
The remainder of her tribe reluctantly joins in a group hug.
Entering into camp, Jakes cry of “is the soup on?” sends Helen into hysterics.
“Soup for Soup Jai” ha ha ha ha!!!!
No one bothers to correct her.
Ken doesn’t like to be threatened.
When the Chuay’s ask who was booted, Ken says Shii Ann and goes on to explain that
Shii Ann told them that if they booted her the Chuay’s would vote them off one by one.
Ken’s not standing for that, you can’t threaten him, so Shii Ann had to go.
Ha, you got the last laugh there didn’t you Ken – you genius.
Jakes states that if the Chuay’s do vote them off one by one they’ll know Shii Ann was telling the truth.
Right Jake, and you’ll get to feel all superior from your seat on the jury.
Ken insists the fact that the nine of them are at least on the jury, and 36 people before them have been in this exact situation, means tonight’s tribal council left them in a “unique” position. You freakin’ genius.
To bed, with a warning from Penny not to let the mosquito bugs bite.
How annoying you are Penny.
The Potential Jurors.
As Ken pointed out, it’s not very often 45 people are in the unique situation of being (or have been) Survivor jurors.
Let’s examine this year’s batch. (no peremptory)
Penny Snotty little princess, tries to mesmerize men with the twin threats of her gigantic forehead and teeth. Better start wearing a bra unless she wants “perky” to be replaced by pendulum.
Erin Foolish, foolish Erin. Jugs = guaranteed screen time, but you have to go and spoil it by having a brain (and some might say, a penis)
Jake Wrenched the title of master chicken choker away from Brian.
Ken Clearly ‘electrolycised’ his rampant unibrow for an unobstructed view to post survivor endorsements – now he has a product “King of the crop, he’s Banana Cop”.
Clay Miserable midget. Lazy ass mini-golfer. You bitch, I love it.
Ted Rallied from the early embarrassment of “doing Ghandia like that”.
Thinks he has a cast-iron alliance with Brian – he’s all up on yah big guy.
Brian Hosanna Heysanna Sanna Sanna Ho
Sanna Hey Sanna Ho Sanna
Hey B, hey B, you're alright by me.
Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Superstar
Jan Or more accurately Jay-un. I’m willing to let the bat funeral go if you just scoop your ass back up into your bathing suit.
Helen The Charlton Heston of Tarutao.
“Hey Ted, yoo talkin’ to yer famileeeee?”
He is, and as he’s far too polite to tell her to bog off he is temporarily sidetracked by Perky, anxious to join in his early morning exercise routine.
“Hey Ted, if I can get four others to join in can we try a pyramid?”
Perky departs the scene and Ted completes the biggest eye roll in recorded history.
Ted observes that Penny’s super nice behaviour is at once “not genuine” and “fake”.
Thanks for clearing that up Ted.
Penny is really working it, over time. She chats with Clay about coffee and despite the fact she hasn’t brushed her teeth for six weeks, extends a spit slathered finger to remove some microscopic piece of dirt from Jan’s face.
She’s not fooling Clay though. Her inability to breech his impenetrable fortress has something to do with him being 46 – obviously beyond the age where you are susceptible to cheerleader “buttuh” – however thickly it might be spread. She ain’t getting sh1t outta him.
Hmm, I wonder why CBS ensures the word sh1t is bleeped out.
Ted and Jake engage in a little takraw game while Banana Cop looks surly on the sidelines. Step away from the bananas Ken, they’re perfectly safe.
There is, according to Ken, a strategic reason for the two tribes to get along.
No kidding. The fact that the two pre-merge tribes living together on the same beach really is a unique situation is lost on him though.
How do you become Australian?
1) You are born in Australia or,
2) You file for Australian citizenship through the appropriate channels.
You cannot “become” Australian simply by saying “no worries mate” in response to every question or circumstance – Helen.
Banana cop springs into action at the first mention of food so he can take full control of the rationing.
Ken Who wants a really soft one?
Brian None of you, eh ladies?
”I know what’s going on. I am King. The tribes are just waiting to pick each other off.
Hear the wind call my name “Brrrrriiiiiiaaaaannnnn, Brrrrrrrrriiiiiiiaaaaaaannnnnn . I can see it, smell it, sense it, taste it, feel it, love it, hump it.”
His sense of smell does not extend to Ken’s latest bugbear – piss.
Ken takes full advantage of the CBS censor ushering “piss” through the door but slamming it in the face of “sh1t”.
Piss man, it’s everywhere. Piss, piss, pissidy piss. See that puddle? Piss.
They piss where they live, it’s a pissfest.
Why Ken decides to lay barely a foot away from the offending liquid is a mystery.
He very bravely shuts up when Ted walks by - to piss.
Clay This is a cave. It smells like a cave. This is what caves smell like. This ain’t Pier 1. This ain’t your living room with candles burning.
Unless they’re piss scented candles. I somehow don’t see them as a big seller.
One final shot of the piss pools is followed by the rear end of Magilla slinking off into the trees. Hmm, way to apportion blame editor.
The ladies are washing the utensils, affording Brian the opportunity to relate his theory about women loving to do domestic chores to a whole new audience.
This, he believes, is like the “good old days”. I’ll gloss over that I think.
Raisins, sugar, flour, chocolate, nuts, more sugar, caramel chunks, chocolate chips, butterscotch, cook it up, cut it into squares, put it into lunch boxes.
Shut up, shut up Helen you mad incessantly babbling fool.
Desperate to escape the run down of “lunch box lovelies”, Jake and Brian decide to go and try to catch some food instead of simply talking about it.
Jake makes a passing observations about Helen’s constant droning, but Brian is far too shrewd a game player to confirm his statement. They are after all enemies.
The two of them circle each other like caged animals, looking for the smallest morsel of useable info about the opposition.
Brian finds Penny more attractive than Erin because Erin’s Adams apple and big man hands are a turn-off. Aha, Jake commits this info to memory even though it is about one of his own tribe mates. Pickin’s are slim when you’re talking to the King.
Jake Sometimes me and Brian tell each other the truth and sometimes we’re fudging a little bit. Did I say fudge? Damn Helen and her recipes.
Jake does feel he and Brian will be able to form and alliance of sorts.
Hmm, the sort of alliance that doesn’t work because you’re not on the same team. The sort of alliance pretty much doomed to failure – cool.
Back at camp, darkness has fallen.
Helen So you take more sugar and a cup of cocoa, not hot chocolate power, it has to be real cocoa…..
Ok Helen, what would happen if you used regular old drinking chocolate huh?
Would all the people in China jump up and down at once and send the world spinning off its axis? No.
Would it be the end of civilization as we know it? No
Would you pull a gun and start littering the place with bullets? Hmmmmmm…..
Ken leads Jake to the pissiest corner of the cave to discuss strategy.
I would think your first strategy would be to ensure you don’t come across as a distant and constantly disapproving “snot” Ken, but hey whaddaIknow?
You’re the nine in this unique position.
Jake informs him that they might be able to get Brian and Clay into a covert alliance.
Ken Cool, Brian’s a used car dealer, he sells lemons and I’m always on the look out for fruit to police.
Finally we get to see some tree mail.
What, no reward challenge? Straight into the IC?
Ugh, is this another example of “all new”?
Jake unveils a bottle of red liquid with a scale model of the immunity idol inside.
Jake You guys are going to go bonkers over this.
Brian Did someone say bonk?
A challenge for immunity,
Under water’s where you’ll be
And we’re sure the girls agree
Spit don’t swallow is the key.
A Jake confessional follows. He explains the importance of a Sook Jai immunity win by relating it to the fact that four is less than five. Listening Robb?
Jiff Ok guys, what is the first thing you do when someone says “don’t look behind you?” Right, you look behind you. My advice to you here is don’t panic, so you will immediately panic. Just stay calm, don’t think about panicking. Here, let me take your mind off panicking. Anyone like movies? Good, me too. I really like Jodie Foster.
I loved her last movie, - Panic Room. Mwahahahahaha!!!
Have any of you met my father? He’s a great guy, his name’s Nicholas.
I usually introduce him as “my Pa Nick”, Mwahahahahaha!!!
Jiff explains there are bamboo snorkels for each of the competing Survivors that do not offer a snug fit.
When he adds that the survivors might end up swallowing seawater, Helen decides to sit this one out. Hmmm, so she’s the teammate with the least experience with salty fluids then?
Jiff You sitting this one out Helen?
Helen No worries mate.
Cumulative times of the four competing tribe mates will decide the winners, so every second counts.
Penny is a cheerleader and a sorority girl, surely she should have been able to go down for more than nine seconds. Ken should really be able to last longer than 15 seconds too.
The challenge comes to a showdown between Brian and Jake.
As expected, Brian shows the best technique and the Chuay’s are victorious once again.
Lucky the Chicken.
When Lucky arrived at the Sook Jai camp he had two buddies. It surely can’t have escaped his attention that he is now the sole poultry survivor. Do you think he ever associated the disappearance of his pals with the strange crunching and flapping sounds that followed? Clearly not, or he would have at least tried to stop Magilla stealing the tribes only other food source.
The survivor’s arrive back at camp and Erin asks if there is any reason the lid is off the noodle pot. Banana cop Ken sets up a cordon and approaches the banana pot with extreme caution. The bananas have gone. Geez Ken, your sole responsibility on the island and you get out witted by a monkey. Great work Sipowitz.
He masks his disappointment by joking with the others that the chicken has gone too.
He gets a typically over the top reaction from Helen so he’s happy.
We are then treated to a Helen confessional where she bangs on about having to eat rocks.
Thankfully she has five recipes for boulders, one for scree and a dozen more for gravel.
Despite outlasting his far younger teammates in the challenge Jake is having a “woe is me” moment and Erin steps in with the pep talk.
Erin Gotta do what we gotta do, blah blah, fate, hands of the Gods, yada yada, strong heart, build a team, ahem ahem. No one blames you for our crapness.
She snaps a wet towel across his ass and he leaves a wiser man.
The group discussion turns to the fact that the Chuays can’t celebrate their win because they are living with the team that just lost. Unique situation wouldn’t you think Ken?
Clay is staring at Erin string bikini briefs. The bead tie looks like a miniature abacus and Clay is wracking his brain to remember if he needs to calculate anything.
The Sook’s go off for a group chat where they decide Lucky’s fate.
Jake wants to cook him. Ken says “fine by me”. He clearly has no further interest in the food supply since he was relieved of banana watch.
Penny says they need to “kick ass” if she’s not here tomorrow. Erin says the same. Not because she agrees with the sentiment, more because she’s still practicing the kinds of things girls say.
Jakes reply of “sounds erotic” at Penny’s suggestion they all sleep together for their final night as a foursome falls as flat as Erin’s chest once was.
In the absence of a food challenge this week, the decision is made to kill Lucky today.
The cast gathers round to witness the event.
Jake Well, this is Lucky, he’s become a firm favourite around camp, but it’s time for him to go.
Clay Ok, kill him.
Jake It’s at times like these when I remember the fact that we are all just here for a short time. Like the Dalai lama dining with the Pope and being interrupted by Jehovah’s witnesses, I think we can all relate to that and to the importance that has in the life of Lucky.
(Does anyone else think he’s losing it?)
Jake It’s a time to be thankful for the richness we see in our lives.
We grow the grain, Lucky eats the grain and we eat lucky.
It’s the circle of life, (crunch) it’s the wheel of fortune (flap) it’s a leap of faith (crunch , flap, flap, crunch)
Ted didn’t want to take part in the killing but is more than happy to feast on Lucky, declaring that he taste just like chicken.
Jan decides to continue playing her strategy of “crazy granny”.
One minute she’s holding Lucky’s feet as he writhes and thrashes, the next she’s burying his head and feet beside Oliver in her corner of death. This will allow them to “play” together. Don’t you feel that if either of them “woke up’ the shock of seeing the other would kill them again anyway?
Tactful as ever, Helen suggests the Sook’s might want to eat later what with them having to go to TC , saves on food you know.
The Sook’s retire again to discuss life and it’s strange ironies.
Jake So do we want to know who’s getting booted tonight?
Penny I love you guys.
Erin Me too.
Jake Can you feel the love tonight?
Jake It is where we are. It’s enough for this wide-eyed wanderer that we got this far.
Erin Huh? I thought you wanted us to be the final four.
Well, I do believe he wanted some of you to be in the final four Erin.
Jiff So, feeling at home in the Chuay cave Ken?
Ken Sure, if your home stinks of piss.
They each in turn say why they shouldn’t be booted.
Erin makes note of herself as an asset (or two) Penny claims she only lazes around if others are too. Ken says if he goes he takes the “hunk’ factor with him and Jake points out that he’s the only one who’s any good at the challenges.
Safe on the knowledge the Texas alliance will see her right, Erin gives her vote to Ken.
Penny and Jake then pull the biggest switcheroo on her since her plastic surgeon and she is duly dispatched, blissfully unaware that her stint on the island will see her edited as this years Zoe.
Goodbye Erin, I really think you had balls – once.