Welcome to the fifth edition of ďStanding in the ShadowsĒ for Guatemala: The Maya Empire! For those readers unfamiliar with it, each season our writers and mods ďstand in the shadowĒ of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. You get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player. Without further ado. . . .
Okay, who does that bitch Margaret think she is? If I want to change up my alliance, I'll change my alliance. This is war out here, and I didn't want to be in her stupid "old tribe" alliance. I wanna be with the cool kids. But damn if that Jamie didn't just about screw it up for me. What part of "cut through the rope" did he not understand? I should have taken that job, I clearly could have done it better. I'm just glad we won immunity, because if he'd gone home for that crap performance, my alliance-switching would have bit me in the ass. As it is, though, I dodged that bullet, and I'm sitting pretty. I don't have to be nice to my old tribe-mates anymore. Cindy and Margaret are as annoying as howler monkeys, and they need to get out of my jungle. It's going to be all MEN at the end, baby. Just the men and the monkeys, like nature intended. I'm loving this place. Next week I'm going to go native and turn my back-hair-showing tank-top into a loin cloth. Then let's see if the ladies wanna bust my balls like they've been doing. I'll show them who's the king of the jungle.
You know what I did this show? NOTHING! At least, nothing that made it on camera much. Stephenie has been bitching about losing so much, that I thought it best to just shut up and let her dig a hole for herself in case we lost again. Only, guess what? We DIDN'T lose! Thanks to me and my great ball-catching skills, we WON immunity! Once I saw that challenge was about balls, I knew we had it in the sack. (I said "sack", heeheehee) I'm all about the balls, honey. I was hyped, waiting for those hot, round balls to fly through the air, right into my open....net! My goodness but you all have dirty minds, I am talking about winning the challenge, what did you think?
Hey, when I joined up for this show, I knew there would be crittahs, but I thought the producers would be keeping the snakes, crocs and bugs at least 300 feet from us, just like any respectable restraining order. I could probably handle a cockroach or two, but flying beetles that sound like helicoptahs? Ack! Gimme my pistolÖIíll show Ďem whoís boss. The biggest pain in the neck around here, though, is definitely Golden Boy Blake. He just talks too damn much. Itís simply time for him to go home to those DDís heís been missing, and weíll go soak in our jacuzzi that fits more than one person. Cheahs! Cause afterall, sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name!
Well, I'd have to say that team YaxhŠ got out to a great start this week. First, we got to ride down a mine cart just like in the Temple of Doom (we just pretended that Brian was Short Round) and won a croc cage so we could swim around the lake without fear of becoming a light snack. It was like a very, very posh version of Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. However, as we all learn in life, you win some and you lose some. That's just a fact. At the immunity challenge, our team made the crucial mistake of having Brian man the catapult. Now, it was nice to see someone scrawnier than me hurling the coconuts, but there's a reason that I played QB and not wide receiver. With the third-stringer in, Nakum caught a lot of interceptions. It was disappointing because that meant we lost, but it was interesting to see interceptions from the other side. In the end, Blake was released because, as Coach Landry always said, there are no golden cows--or boys--on a winning team.
That gorilla Judd just went on and on about what a tough and cut-throat game this is. Ya think? You big fat traitor! Maybe if you had taken the knife out of Brooke's back, you wouldn't feel like such a backstabbing scumbag. I don't like feeling this rage, but I'm really hurt that Judd would turn on our original tribe so quickly. I take comfort knowing that he won't last long as the King of the Jungle, because I have a feeling that the howler monkey is going to make Judd his little queen.
Can You believe how dumb the old Nakum tribe is? Blake sure was an idiot. How can you talk about Double D's when you have Danni on your tribe? The poor girl has had negative B's her entire life. Well, I don't care, he caused his own demise. Take that golden boy! You're a poptart, and I'm a flaky golden toaster strudel. You're an ipod shuffle, and I'm a nano. Man, this feels great! I knew praying for my corn mush and termite kabobs would pay off.
My new tribe is really strong. Before we eat, we hold hands and I lead us in saying grace. Itís great that everyone is just as religious as me. That reward was sweet! I love guacamole and chips. I donít mind downing a few margaritas either although at my present weight, it took about two sips for me to feel a buzz. That pool umbrella even came in handy during the rainstorm although everyone but Blake and Brian was still miserable. My babe really disappointed me this week. There I was scratching his back and he starts talking about his girlfriend back home with the DD boobs. I hate losing! When we got back to camp, Gary talked to me about maybe voting out Blake. I talked to my former Nakum mates about the idea and I realized I was going to be the swing vote. In the end, the frat boy had to go. I like to think of my vote to boot him as The Revenge of the A Cup.
So? Apparently Brandon cuts rope better than I do. You learn something new every day, and what I learned is that it was an unfair match! Farmers have to cut through rope with sharp rocks all the time, so I didn't ever have a chance. But if the challenge had been, oh I don't know... who can clear this four-foot bong fastest? I might have taken him. But it's cool, everyone saw my side of things and didn't hold it against me. Well, Stephenie DID hold it against me, but in a different way than I've become used to, if you catch my drift. Lydia did some freaky pancake voodoo dance, and we finally got ahold of that immunity statue. Who's laughin' now, huh? Who's laughing now?! Oh, that's me.
I got a little taste of sweetness today. First I got to lead my team members in a little dance I like to call The Pancake. Then, after launching the balls to ensure Nakumís success in the immunity challenge, Jamie picked me up and whirled me around like I was a girl again. Yeah. I ainít your Momma, boy. Iím Superwoman to this tribe. I can be encouraging. I can work my ass off around the camp, and I can win challenges. I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan, then serve it up with the spork I whittled from tree bark. All hail to me, Queen Lydia.
Did you see us speeding to victory down the track in that cart? Yeah!! Victory is mine! Again! I enjoyed whuppiní Nakumís butts so much, I had to splay my legs in a huge ďVĒ for victory just to let them know who won. And then, when Jeff again told us everything we had won, well, heck if I couldnít stop myself from beating the ground like an ape and yelling out with a victory yelp. Thatís like the Maya, isnít it? But that Jamie sure doesnít know how to win. He was showing off way too much after Nakumís immunity win. I sure donít appreciate that. Iíll give him a little scream back, just to let him know who the real nutjob is. Itís been awhile, but Iím back at Tribal again. I donít think itís time for me to turn on Blake, but what the heck, as long as itís not my name on the ballots, I donít mind getting rid of another pretty boy. I want all those female admirers to myself.
Okay, my monkey friends, I need you. Now. I don't think I can take anymore of Judd or I am going to yank these braids right off of my head. I've been listening to you guys howling about him and I think Operation Get Meathead sounds like a great plan, and the time is right. I've had about all I can take of his moronic chauvinistic bullcrap. Geez, this guy makes a platypus look like Einstein and Roseanne Barr look like Miss Manners. I mean, God forbid should a woman have an opinion around this dolt. When he told me to "act like the shining star that you think you are", it was all I could do not to cram my tiny foot up his mammoth rear end. But I was afraid I'd get sucked in and never be heard from again, so I bit my lip and acted like a good girl. Still, I couldn't hold back a slight grin, just thinking about our revenge - which will be sweet, so sweet. I can hardly wait!
Can I cut a rope or what? Maybe I was a pre-historic tool user in a former life or something, but when my tribe needed me to cut through rope like a hostage with his captor away for only 2 minutes, I sure delivered. I hammered through that rope faster than you can say ďhumiliating defeat.Ē Howís that for a 22 year old farmboy from Kansas? It sure was nice to win that floating, crocodile proof pool too. Especially the umbrella that came along with it. That sure came in handy when it started raining at night. Everyone except Brian and Blake gathered under it to stay dry. Blake seemed to be the only one who was staying dry in the shelter. He really is a Golden Boy. Heís always talking about himself like he is some sort of super hero or something. He gets all the big breasted women and has all the frat boy stories. It doesnít matter how much he annoys me with his stories though, I still wonít vote strength out of the tribe.
Yay! Look how boring I am. If it wasnít for the fact that Iím the bestest Survivor in the whole wide world, my confessionals would be totally, like boring. I have nothing to contribute except for the fact that I am the greatest Survivor ever. I mean- Iím the only one who really wants to win. Just look how I carried the team to itís immunity win. Everyone else was doing their nails or scratching their crotch but there I wasÖout there running around with that silly looking lacrosse net doing it all by myself. Iím so glad Iím on this show to demonstrate how great I really am!
BOOBS! *Boomhauer laugh*...Heh heh heh I'll tell you whut somethinsomethin got no schmishin semmafer cshenn big ol' watermelons somethinonnaback suckahs is HUGE! Heh heh....ever time look over BAM double D's sittin mah face schmiffen ferkennoken heh heh Ooaa! Ooaa! Reeeeal niiiiice. [Subtitle: My significant female companion has large mammary organs. I enjoy them.] Infact one tahm shcmiffendorfer me 'n Bob gtter tub ah Jack Daniels n' glug-glug-glug Hoooo WEE summin nasty an 'e BLAH 'n jis BLAH 'n jis BLAH. heh heh ain' no clean carpet fer days. [Subtitle: I enjoy a large volume of spirits regularly. So much so, that I at one point became unwell. I found this event to be amusing.] Well, ol' Nakum...BAM no sense, got numbers...no Nakum. Ahhh well, ol' Golden Boy, gettin' bker boobies 'n new kickers. BOOBIES! BOOBIES! BOOBIES! *cheetah-thumps chest* [Subtitle: I find flaw with Bobby Jon's strategy, but I will do well and seek abundance in life. I have many things to return to. Be well.]
We would like to thank the following writers for contributing to this article: Bill, Burntcrow, Dinahann, Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, mrdobolina, oneTVslave, Roseskid, Shazzer, Speedbump, Suncat7, Totoro and Wolf.