Each season our writers and mods “stand in the shadow” of a Survivor until their torch is snuffed. And here, you get to read what we believe is really going on in the mind of each player.
Who am I? Why am I here? I'm sure I'm not the only one that was wondering that last night considering I only appeared on camera twice. The first time showed that I was the only one in my tribe that was able to complete the requirements in the "this task is so obviously made for women" reward challenge. My only other appearance was when Sarge was ignoring me during the Immunity challenge and allowed me to slam my shin right into the puzzle area. At least some of my tribemates are starting to realize what I knew last week -- that Rory and his attitude are only detrimental to our tribe. But somehow I have now been permanently lumped into the younger, alpha male group even though I'm the same age as both Chris and Travis. As if I really need to be part of the "Which good-looking guy am I?" group. Oh well, what are ya going to do? Though with my skillset, past accomplishments, and boyish charm, I should have been on Combat Missions where my talents could have been more appreciated.
Well, we finally won a challenge and hopefully with the flint we can start a fire. The reward challenge was a different story though, and I took a few tumbles, but that is to be expected with these cheap shoes on. I think all of the good things that happened are because we finally got back to respecting the Stone. Sure it rained on us after we put the Stone back on its pole, but that was just because we are beginners at respecting the Stone. I will use all my experience in education to find a way to teach these guys to respect the Stone. That Stone is the key to my game now. As long as the Stone is here, I am here. I think I will name him Rocky.
Man, I would've never thought it would be so tough out here. I can't go another night without fire. Don't want to freeze my butt off again, so I'm going to gather the clan and tell them to start a fire. Of course, I'll be so subtle about it, they won't even realize I'm ordering them around. I'm just like that. Mr. Subtlety. With my cheers, I got the guys pumped up. Go guys! Build a Fire! Get Stupid! Woo! I see a little sparkle of fire. Move out of the way, you fools. Let a professional take it from here. Oh crap!!!! I spit on it. I'll just say it was the rain that put it out. Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket. Whew! They bought it. Well, at least we won the IC, so we have been given fire. Now, who can I put in the spotlight on so the guys will forget about my balancing-beam fiasco?
I don't get it. At home I'm the hottest guy in the room. Any room, any time. Here I'm just one of the hot young guys, and I'm not into that kind of alliance, if you catch my drift. I was counting on hooking up with one of the bikini babes, but it turns out they're a bunch of ball busters bent on beating the guys on all the blasted balance beams. Ha! They wouldn't last two seconds on a mechanical bull. The other guys are getting squirrelly, even worshipping that skull rock or whatever it is we won on the first night. That's another thing that pisses me off - the guys were supposed to have good luck after drinking that vile brew. Instead, we can't even make a fire. We finally got to do a victory dance when the girls flubbed up the puzzle challenge. What a stupid challenge; I mean, here were all these girls in bikinis and thanks to the blindfolds, they couldn't even see me. I've got it made once we get to the merge. I just wish we had a mirror out here. *flexing*
It’s a damn good thing we won immunity this week. I found out from Travis that my name came up before the last Tribal Council. He said I’m too big a threat. He’s right of course, but I was hoping everyone would be too dazzled by my personality and great looks to notice. It turns out that those are the two big reasons Travis finds me so threatening. Who knew being this charming and good looking could be a curse? He said he’s basing his decisions on the fact that he has a wife and four kids. I’m not sure what that has to do with my winning personality and fantastic appearance, but whatever. If there’s one thing in I’ve learned in my life, it’s that everything is connected to my amazing personality and terrific looks. I suppose I should be happy that the “Threat List” only has two items on it. If the other guys find out that I also possess superior intellect and a complete lack of conceit, I’m dead.
Day 4 dawned at 0600 finding the unit cold , wet and without rations. The troops tried to rally and combust some local usables into a fire for the camp , but being the poorly trained soldiers they were– they failed. They had no campaign plan for after ignition of the combustibles. What I wouldn’t give for a little flame thrower right about now. I love the smell of incendiary fuel in the morning. Our unit was then unsuccessful in the reward mission because of the troops having had previous overindulgent incidents at the mess. Basically those bitty little females did a cakewalk over my men. Morale is very low. I have to face the dud probability in these men is high and that this whole campaign has been a misfire from the get go. I finally took charge at the immunity. Leading raw recruits to ultimate success is my life and dang if I’m going to fail. My troops roped together and following my lead, led finally to a successful mission. Even if some of them don’t know basic undertakings such as left from right, they are good men. Only with my continued leadership we will be ultimately successful.
After a cold night at camp it is time to get the fire started. I did my part by staying out of the way of the rest of the tribe. I sure hope we win reward challenge soon. We blew our chance at a hammock, two pillows and three blankets as well as our flint at the reward challenge. I cannot believe those women were rubbing their victory in our faces with their happy dance. They could show a little class. I would never act like that bunch of fools. We have to win the immunity challenge. I just can not stand to lose. I got to read the tree mail like the strong, independent man that I am. The clue mentioned the spirit stone so the tribe decided to put the spirit stone in the place of honor on top of a pole. I am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing because it rained when they took it down and again today when they put it back up. I do know that there is magic on this island. We won the immunity challenge. Our tribe jumped around and cheered in a true male bonding moment. I guess the magic on Vanuatu is working in our favor now that we have honored our spirit stone properly.
Well, I reckon I was a mite quieter in this episode, but that's only 'cause I was focused on a chaingin' Lopever's direction. It was time for a chainge. All we was doin' was standin' 'round starin' into the empty fahrpit n' dreamin' about eatin' worms that was at least grilled a bit. I's been sleepin' like a baby so far...wakin' up every 3 minutes n' cryin'. (The fellers really taken a likin' to my jokes!) My first strategizin' was t' tell JP that he was a threat. You know, play the game. JP's just too darned personality...ed an' good look...ed. Bubba don't need no competition! One purty boy 'round here is 'nuff. I thank he took the news purty well and knows that we older guys have t' play the game n' eliminate the young alphabets first. We tried t' make fahr on our own, but our most val-yant tag-team efforts was thwr...thar...twar...stopped by th' rain. Highly ironic fir the "Islands of Fahr" if y' ask me. I didn't like th' first challenge too much . . . I took off my lucky Bob Barker shirt, n' after these fellers got an eyeful of ol' Romeo, they's kept tryin' to hug me n' get closer than two fellers should get...if y' know what I mean. Lordy, I had t' reflexively throw a couple of 'em into the warter with a double lift suplex piledriver fir tryin' t' get too farmiliar! We ended up losin', but that was fine by me . . . I saw a whole new side of these fellers, and I don't thank I'd want them sleepin' 'round me with blankets n' such in the vicininitinity, a thank y'. We was so tarred n' dee-ha-drated, n' needed fahr & warter so bad, that we all pulled t'gether in th' 'munity challenge. Fir my part, I had t' take out a couple of the gals with th'
chairpuzzle piece t' ensure our victory. Thank Bob, we finally won the pointy-headed 'munity thing, and I'm over th' moon. We's havin' worm barbeque tonight!
Wow, it’s hard to start your day with maggots and coconut, they’re no pomegranates, but you gotta do what you gotta do. All of us were thrilled to learn that blankets and pillows were part of the reward. We’d seen the balance beam and knew we were going to win. Sure, I got caught touching two tribe mates at the same time (it meant nothing Chrissy), but I really thought Jeff was busy watching John make out with everyone. The guys didn’t look happy. My tribe is separating but uplifting. Unlike my bikini top. I’m hanging out with the older women, but I trust no one. The IC was a mess, as Scout couldn’t “scout” Custer at The Battle Of Little Big Horn! She missed puzzle pieces, so we got behind and couldn’t come back. I knew I was safe, but so did Dolly. HA! She was too easy to herd, so we had to let her go. Man I’d kill for a cup of coffee.
You know that expression, Life's a Beach? Well, life sucks. The so-called "beach" here hurts my perky little butt and the water is all stingy. At home I can't sleep if the maid leaves a wrinkle in my sheet, and here I have to sleep on shells! The only food the great worker bees have come up with are unripe banana-thingies, and they turned out to be covered in bugs. You heard right, bugs. I can't stand it! It's like prison, without the workout equipment. And to think my sorority sistahs voted me "Most Pampered Princess." Look at me now, Delta Delta Eppies! I rocked during the challenge, even when that windbag screwed us up and I had to save the team by running for the last puzzle piece. I swear, how hard could it be to see a bright yellow puzzle piece floating in the crystal-clear waters of an unspoiled wilderness? I kept my mouth shut and acted like it was a team loss, even though it wasn't. And then I find out that it's me the older chicks want to boot. Oooh, I should have ripped Scout a new one after all...until I figured out that they were annoyed by Dolly and Julie trying to control the game. I hate control freaks too, so I decided to stick it to the blonde. I've got to think of my long-term strategy, you know, and the one who's flipping and flopping between two alliances just can't be trusted. *biting lip* I hope the other girls don't figure out who switched their vote, though.
I didn't know chickens could fly. News flash: They can. Kind of. But even more surprising....I think they can read minds, too. The second I told Twila to stab that wild island chicken, the thing up and flew halfway into the coconut trees like it knew what I was thinking. Damn psychic chicken. Curse you and your shakey, precognitive ways. Thank God we won those blankets and pillows, though, or I'd have had to snuggle up to Twila and Dolly, and that wasn't happening. Not that night. Not again. Mia is my main girl anyway, but I thought we had some other girls in our corner until we got punched in the face with the shock of Dolly heading home. I'm still ruling this thing, though. Totally. Easily. My strategy for rulerhood over all things great and small, fowl and human alike, is to never say anything or do anything or appear on camera until the very end. It's my "quiet" strategy. Yep. During the show, you'll barely see me, except when I scoff, roll my eyes, or lie mutely on beach rocks. But stay tuned, I'm about to shock and awe. Julie's comin', and she's takin' over.
OK, what just happened? How did I almost get voted out? It's an outrage, really. I have played the most perfect under-the-radar game in Survivor history up to this point. I am burrowing below the surface of the earth. No radar could ever spot me. I walk through camp, and nobody can see me. I'm like the Predator, shimmering in almost-visible camouflage. People look at each other and say, "Hey, did you just feel something brush by?" or "What was that sound? It reminded me of a woman's voice." But nobody ever truly sees me or factors me into their plans. So how did I suddenly get noticed enough to attract four votes? This is a disturbing development. I may have to spend more time standing perfectly still when we have group discussions. I may be required to dart into the trees and hide during Challenges. I can't afford to have people realize I'm here at this point. There's too much at stake. If they find me, they might want to vote me out. It's time to take it up a notch...or down another level below the radar, as the case may be. Good-bye, all. You won't see me again till finale night, when they'll have no choice but to give me the money. They'll all say, "Hey, who's that? And where's she been all this time?" Now THAT'S a strategy.
It’s no secret who controls Yasur; everywhere the tribe goes, I lead the way like the prow of a mighty ship (and a prow of such magnitude has not been seen in the wilds of Survivor since Amazon Heidi, if I do say so myself). I’m so happy with my lovely alliance of cute girls. I fit in seamlessly. I wonder if the other nubile youngsters even realize that I’m old enough to be their…big sister? (I’d bet Lopevi would peg that hard-faced Mia as the oldest of the cute girls. No man ever looks away from my “prow” long enough to notice these tiny, insignificant laugh lines.) So, things are bright for the pretty girls here in Vanuatu. Obviously, we have numbers solidly on our side. I can’t wait to get rid of that annoying Leann. I mean, she’s clearly young enough to pledge our sorority, and yet she insists on working with the old bats like she’s not interested. It’s sad to see an inferiority complex take that direction. Hey, what happened to Dolly? Wait a minute…one, two, three, four…five! Somebody pretty has got some explaining to do!
It was another cold, hard couple of nights. Everyone was hungry, so when we spotted some plantains we decided to build a human pyramid to get up high enough to chop them down. All of us young girls had been cheerleaders in our younger days, of course, so a pyramid seemed like piece of cake. Plus we got Twila, who's built like a boulder, to be part of the base with me and put little Lisa on top. Now, I don't know if I've just gotten weaker in the last few days without food or sleep, but what I do know is that the sheer weight of Lisa's enormous fake breasts was simply crushing. In the end we got the maggoty poisonous food from the tree and boiled it for some scrumptious mush. After getting some protein, we headed to the reward challenge to find out we were playing for pillows and blankets. We were on fire to win. I was the last girl left on the balance beam, so I threw my arms in the air, did a little dance and shimmied my way over to the waiting women at the end. I've got some killer moves! The disappointing part of this last three days is that we ended up losing immunity to the men. I'm blaming Scout - since she's old and not part of my alliance. We had it all worked out with us young women voting against Leann in order to save Eliza from getting the boot. At tribal council I was shocked to hear Dolly's name repeated over and over. I noticed we were missing just one vote against Leann - and Eliza was trying her best to avoid eye contact. That bitch voted off my friend, Dolly. I can't believe it! If she thinks she can spend the rest of her days avoiding work and catching rays by the water with me, well, she's got another think coming.
Them girls are an ungrateful bunch. Sure they're pretty, skinny and about 5 or 6 of them have had really good boob jobs, but they're ungrateful. We finally managed to round up some food and they was all squealin' like the little girls they are because there were maggots in the food. Maggots are protein! What's wrong with that? I ended up sitting out the reward challenge, but I wish I didn't. Having to move one by one down the beam, getting so close to one another looked like a lot of fun. I almost felt a bit left out. You know, because it's important to get to know your teammates intimately. By immunity challenge time, I thought I should step it up and pitch in a bit more to help the tribe. I didn't do such a good job though, missing that one last piece out in the water. My eyes aren't what they used to be I guess. I did feel badly about voting out Dolly because she was so sweet, perky and fun, but like Twila told me, you can't trust a double agent and she need to go. Still, it's always hard to lose a teammate, especially one as cute as her.
Goshdurnit, I cain’t believe those lil’ girls thought for a single cotton-pickin’ minute they might vote me out. I reckon we did the right thing turning on Dolly. Girl didn’t have the sense God gave a stupid sheep, tryin’ to play both sides like we wouldn’t notice. She and them other sorority chicks don’t have no business bein’ out in the wilderness anyway. Did you see them turn up their pretty little noses at eatin’ maggots? Hell, maggots is protein! Ain’t nothin’ but a bug. Just a lil’ ol’ bug, won’t hurt nobody. They’d waste away to nothin’ if it weren’t for me and Scout and maybe – just maybe – one or two other people doin’ all the work. I mean, who tried to kill that dad-blamed chicken? That was me with the machete, yes sir it was. You didn’t see none of them young’uns willin’ to kill their food. They just squawked like they was chickens themselves. I tell you what, at this rate I’ll win the whole durn game, the way I work so hard. ‘Cause that’s all that matters in Survivor, ain’t it?
I had been having fun, really. I know I almost puked when I realized there were maggots in my food. Yeah, I know I also freaked out and started crying because I was a little tired, but I really was having so much fun. I just didn’t know it would be more work than shearing season, that’s all. I mean, things did start looking up after the reward challenge. Blankets and pillows were just what I needed. I guess it just got confusing after we lost that immunity challenge. It seemed like everyone in the tribe was trying to get me to vote with them. I’m just a simple farm girl. It was too hard to decide who to vote for right there in front of everyone. I figured I’d be fine since I was the swing vote, though. I was pretty shocked that one of my girly girls turned on me. I guess they did me a favor. I am just a simple country girl. I’m not cut out for this sort of thing.
Thank you to the following for contributing to the shadows this season: Bill, Bravo, cali, eny, Feifer, hepcat, Ilikai, Lobeck, Lucy, Manny, MissF, Paulie, Shazzer, sher, spegs, Stargazer, Wayner, Wolf and Zaius.