Previously on Survivor: The “hilarious” grade school warbler bites the dust. The cast cheers, the crew does the wave, and island monkeys toss bones in the air. Jonathan, otherwise known as: that-hot-guy-what’s-his-name, rides home with Wanda. After thirty yards of Wanda/Wiggles tunes, hot-guy sacrifices himself to the propeller blades. Also, Jolanda is helpful. And as her definition of helpful = pushy, her torch goes *poof*.
We begin in the Koror camp on el noche 3, where a pointless stink is about to be made. But first, everybody talks about the sunken firebox, all lonely and cold at the bottom of the sea. Everyone’s bugged by their lack of fuego-ness/bonfire, and Coby sagely captures his tribes chagrin by labeling it a “bummer”.
Shortly thereafter, a scream pierces the night cleanly, like a ginsu knife through a tomato can. A Screech Owl, mayhaps? No. 'Tis.....Janu. Pronounced “nah-nu”. *insert Mork joke* Apparently there are rats everywhere, crawling over everything and freaking her out. The camera catches her in night vision and we see her in the most ill-fitting frames/goggles imaginable, forcing me let out my own little Janu scream. She's either A. ready to catch a 3D film, or B. ready to taunt Charles Nelson Riley on the Match Game.
Next up, Caryn pointlessly confronts Tom about their new beach location. The more she stands in the chill, the more she stews and thinks: man, this new place bites chunks. She tells us she regrets the decision to forge ahead to new land without thinking things through, and inexplicably finds it necessary to tell Tom they should have allll taken a vote as she suggested<---haughty tone. Instead he needed to be “adventure boy” and drag them to their current rat hole. Tom says calmly, hey, yo, he would have wanted a vote too, but three men and/or people and/or llamas, all said, “adventure!” So they moved. Katie tells us that Caryn’s annoying. “Get over it Caryn,” says she. <----foreshadowing.
Ulong Day 4
In the land of Ulongville, Stephenie is the first to mention how satisfying and feel-good it is to be free of Jolanda. In the hut, Kim and Jeff wake up together, taught limbs entwined in a more-than-friends way. Three feet away, a flat mound of cloth suddenly turns into James, as he shimmies into existence like a Vietcong guerilla, and tells the lovahs, “it’s time to get up, yo.”
James, unbundled, echoes Stephenie's sentiments about Jolanda, saying how sweet it is because ain’t nobody tellin’ ‘em whut fer anymore. He won't follow no leader, nosirreebob.
Their morning is filled with more pointless activity as they all eventually stand around in a silent circle, somebody asking, “duhhh…whatta we do naow?” As the crowd remains mute, someone finally whispers, “wake up.” Brilliant.
En route to the first bit o' tree mail for the day, James let's us know that the tribe can run democratically. Pffft. Yeah. But...somehow he must know something, because wordlessly, they all get the tree mail as one. It’s a rusty mini-barrel, that’s totally spinnable. *spin* On it…a poem. Ala Robert Frost.
Keep on your toes
While making this run
Your rivals will seek
to spoil your fun
you'll to have a chance
to spoil their mood
stay out of the water
and you may catch more food
I’m thinking, come ON. There’s not even any really wicked iambic pentameter going on here! Geeez. *pushes up taped, Janu-type glasses*
Angie tells us she knows there are puhlenty of people who wanted her gone, and says those people can suck on a giant chew toy. Vowing to put that in her next tattoo, she decides to kick it up a notch at the next challenge.
Lord of the Flies
It’s challenge time, and all huddle together on a beach in front an enormous swingy/ropey/barrel-filled thingamabob. <-----technical name. Jeff looks surprised when Koror says they capsized and lost their firebox, and we all mentally assault him with coconuts and other island fruits. Like he doesn’t watch every piece of footage. Pffft. The Ulongians rejoice at Koror’s misfortune, and the sun beats down upon the beach.
Up next, challenge directions. And I’ll admit, when Jeff usually dishes them out, my mind drifts and I hear a high pitched “eeeeeeeee” sound and oddly………..the lonely, yet passionate cry of a panflute. I tend to snap back in mid-challenge, just as someone is getting pixilated or they’re midway through mowing an entire mountain valley. But crap, this time I need to listen. Okay. *takes deep breath* Here it goes: A balanced obstacle course where they swing with chimp efficiency over something, then three rolling drums, a balance beam, a wobbly bridge, then feeding rabid monkeys, finally a rope bridge to a flag that you snatch and bring allll the way back to your peeps. Along the way, two team members from the opposite tribe will be playing dodge ball with giant sacks of sand aimed at your/the other team's target-ready heads. The first tribe to collect ten flags wins the reward! Woot! Each team must select two people for the dodge ball roll, but everyone has to cross the rope bridge at least once.
The reward: a date with Ashton Kutcher. And/or fishing gear: spear, mask, snorkel, and fins. The fireless Ulongonians will also be playing for flint! Wee!
The evil dodge-ballians:
Tom and Gregg (with two g’s, yo!) swinging for Koror (not that kind of swinging…..that we know of..)
Jeff and Ibreham swing it for Ulong
Korkor has to pick someone to sit out of the the extremely physical challenge, and surprisingly, they select an ox-like Willard.
Highlights: Ulong takes an early lead and manages to keep it while we watch them all flail about in Gumby fashion, popping into involuntary downward dogs and tree poses. *ohm*
Katie can’t work a rope, much to her team’s chagrin. Try and try again she does, until Willard finally coaches her through.
Bobby Jon's a spaz. End statement.
Okay, see, Bobby Jon gets whacked with a sand bag, and he flips out and goes Frankenstein, "get that bag OFF ME!" he jerks stiffly, tossing the bag away like a villager's torch. Rawrrrrrr!! Also, at one successful landing, he punches himself in the face......repeatedly. And all I can say is….keep punching.
Ashlee’s enormous yabbos lead her through the task and we see it's true that the camera adds ten pounds. EACH.
People nearly get smacked senseless with sacks of sand.
Coby takes a moment to center himself on a log/beam in a namaste way, while Probst looks on, totally immersed in the game and mimicking Coby's gesture in a way that can only mean he's a Wizard, and/or about to serve communion.
Angie’s yabbo pops out, but no matter, as she Dominates....ates....ates..*echo* the challenge and nabs flag after flag for her team. I will now refer to her as Tattoo, just like Herve Villachez. And she will also spy for planes.
It's Tasty Cuz I'm Hungry...and....Wee! Fire!
Back in Ulong land, Jeff is completely stoked that poor wittle Koror lost their firebox. Awww. *rubs eyes with fake tears* Everybody’s jazzed that Angie dominated that challenge and kicked total ass. Especially Angie, who now hopes to have a chance to stay.
The Ulongonians make fire right away with their new flint winnings, and James nearly tears up. Meanwhile, Bobby Jon and Jeff decide to take the other reward winnings and head out to fish. Jeff ends up stabbing a tiny, watch-sized fish and acts as if it's a horn o' plenty, intimating how stuffed and stoked people will be to have that pinch of protein. Mmmm...a pinch for a portion. Why that's juuuuuust right. <---*in Goldilock's voice..yet with sarcasm* He wants bigger fish, yet none are found near him, so he decides to go the easy route and pull up a ginormous shell filled with happy clam meat. Clam: the happiest of all your shelled meats. He's jazzed to be the provider of power to nourish the souls of his little tribe right before challenge time. Again, he reiterates his extreme delight that Koror has no flint.
Koror day 4
In Koror land, it’s tiiiiime to find the firebox. Paddling out to where they think the box landed, are Ian, Tom, Janu, Jen and Gregg (who gets italicized because he spells his name WRONG!! Wrong I say! I apologize to all the Gregg’s, Ashlee’s, Kym’s, and Borts in the reading audience.) Coby and Caryn criticize pointlessly from the shore. “Oh they’re way too far over,” say Coby and Caryn, who self-appoint themselves apparent firebox divining rods. Moments later (and/or hours) Ian finally spots it. The water is so clear, the firebox is spotted from space. But the team has trouble rowing and keeping their spot in the tossing and turning waves.
Cleverly edited like they’re in a shallow bathtub, we watch Ian become more and more tired and wonder, wth? It turns out it’s actually 25 feet deep, and at one point, he gets so tired he tells us he wasn’t even sure he could make it back up to the surface. Yikes. They try anchoring it, they try tugging it, they try talking to it and making it WANT to reach the boat. “BE the boat, FEEL the boat, man” Ian coos/gurgles to the firebox. But it doesn’t listen. In the end, Ian finally gets a rope around it and they pull it up to the boat, foolishly celebrating while it’s still perched precariously on the edge. All cheer, including the critical shore referees, and Ian says it’s like running a marathon and winning a piece of gold. Soon they’re back at camp, fire blazing, and tickled happy smiles on everyone’s faces.
Ulong night 4
Ulong slices the giant clam, providing the tribe with the first coconut-free food they've tasted in four days. Everyone thinks the clam is so sweet and tasty; so much better than the air-breathing they were gorging on. The only person not chowing down is Ashlee, who maintains that she's not hungry, despite the nudge/nudge poke/poke (don't go there, people) from her teammates. Por que? No one buys it, and to further worsen her standing, she decides to forgo sitting near the tribe, choosing instead to hit the sack early. Jeff hopes she doesn’t bring the team down, and Bobby Jon says this is a way huge deal because g-friend needs to be more of a team player. During sleepy time, Angie comments on Kim and Jeff's snugglefest, worrying that it's a strong and dangerous alliance.
Time for more tree mail, and this time Angie and Kim go it alone, pulling out a military dish set with morse code. Morse-code illiterate, and clueless as to what lies ahead, the team decides to divy up the code between the eight people, each person responsible for memorizing different parts of it.
Monkey See, Monkey Not Do
It’s time for the immunity challenge, and we waste no time by hopping right into the immediately forgotten directions. It’s a water challenge this time. The challenge: each tribe must swim out to their own platform, dive down 10 feet and find a rope strung through a barrel and attached to a foot locker fifty feet away. All must pull on the rope and drag the foot locker across the ocean floor until it reaches their platform. Every ten feet, a marker will pop up. Once the team has released all ten buoys, they can pop open the foot locker where 8 mess kits will pop up, tangled in rope. They must untie them and bring them back to shore to solve a puzzle using the morse code on the mess kits. Having benched Willard’s hiney at the reward challenge, Koror chooses to sit out the underperforming Katie.
Annnnnd with Jeff’s little voice commanding them to start, they all flail into the water, high tailing it to their pontoons. Everyone must get there before they can dive down, and Koror is totally $#%&ed as they wait for a lagging Willard to suddenly become a 22-year-old wrestling champion. Ulong makes it to the pontoon first and Jeff dives down to pull on the rope.
Is it over for Koror? Ah ah ah! No! Ulong is first, but as soon as Willard wearily grabs hold of the pontoon, Koror uses their uber brains to plan team efforts on the rope pulling. This is extremely successful, as little by little, Koror overtakes Ulong. While they get their asses kicked, Ulong foolishly never looks at Koror to see, “uhhh…a doy…they’re duh head of us…why don’t we do what they’re doing?” The idea proving to be too difficult to grasp, they continue with the one-at-a-time rope pull strategy; Kim doing her best to fulfill the important role of "pontoon-holder". Soon Koror's foot locker is open and the mess kits spill out. They race back to shore, solve the Immunity word puzzle, and win it all! *crowd cheers*
A Little Lip Action Never Hurt Anyone
Ahhhh…back to the land of the soon-to-be-heartachy. Upon return to their beach, Ulong panics about the dying fire and rushes hot coals up to a nearby cave. Everyone hangs for a bit until only Stephenie, Angie, and James are left. All three discount her pontoon-holder role, and James tells us that fer sure, that girlfriend needs to be gone. James immediately confronts Jeff about it and let's him know that he understands his attraction to the hot Kim, but doesn't want it to bring him down. He intimates that she needs to giddyap on out of there and that she's a definite threat. Jeff’s response? Pfffft. He insists Kim is fine, and that Ashlee's the problem. He tells us he's ticked that James dare come to him and order him to take out his beloved Kimmikins. Oh hayell no, Jeff isn't letting Kim go. Not on his man-lovin’ watch he ain’t. He thinks Ashlee’s slowing way down and we catch footage of Ashlee snuggling up to an oar.
Stephenie takes the get-rid-of-Kim campaign to Bobby Jon. She tells him they need to break up the alliance, thinking them too strong to challenge later. Bobby Jon insists that Kim ain't no threat. He thinks Ashlee and Kim are pretty equal, worth wise, but that he's got to go with his gut, and his gut tells him that Ashlee's gotta go, and whoah....bad clam. Stephenie remains strong with her oust-Kim plan and tells us that she, Angie, James, and Ashlee plan to vote that way.
Before council, Bobby Jon is undecided, James is getting on Jeff's last damn nerve, and Kim wants everyone to tell her if she's going home. Stephenie tells Kim that it's either her or Ashlee, but she doesn't know yet. Kim ends with James, making him promise to tell her if she's going home. He gives a toothy smile and says suuuuure he will.
And it’s time for tribal council. All file into the hey-is-that-the-Vanuatu-set tribal area. And Jeff begins his normal fireworks display of omniscient question asking. *ohm*
Probst to Angie: Wow, girlfriend, you had an amazing turn around. Here you were like Fat Albert on a relay race team: picked last, and now you’re tearin’ it up at the reward challenge. You go, girl! Did your team pull their heads out of their asses and recognize that? Angie says, yes, when someone said she was a physical weakling, she knew they hadn’t seen her complete set of ninja skills.
Probst to Kim: Um…Kim…I’m about to clue you in to how close you are to being kicked off with this one simple question, are you ready? Okay, what was your reaction coming back to the camp knowing you were voting someone off? Kim’s answer: She was totally devastated and begins to tear up over how quickly she’s bonded with people (read: Jeff) over the last six days.
Probst to Jeff: Hey not-me-Jeff, *casting out fishing line*, any friends? Any special people in here? Anybody with a sweet, sweet, set of yabbos that you wouldn’t mind saying hello to.....intimately? Jeff’s answer: yo, obviously I’m close to Kim.
Probst to Stephenie: Ooooowee…Steph, have you noticed anything hot and buttered going on between Kim and Jeff? Steph’s answer: A duh. They like, cuddle and bump booties. James interrupts Steph just to reiterate the fact that yes, they have All noticed the Jeff/Kim nighttime love burrito. *cue Barry White*
Non-Probst-Jeff defends himself by saying hey, it’s nice to cuddle at night. It gets cold here, people!
Probst-Jeff scolds him and says hey, it’s a game about relationships, aren’t alliances being built all the time?
Kim pipes up and says she sure hopes that people won’t be bothered by her Jeff relationship. Everyone rolls their eyes, and non-Probst-Jeff blushes and giggles behind his hand.
Finally, Probst to James: who are you voting for? James says it’s a vote for somebody’s whose ass is just begging to be sent home.
The votes are cast, and we glimpse only Ibreham and Jeff’s words. Ibreham says Ashlee is the one who picked him to be on the tribe, so he’s all about Kim right now. Jeff tells us he’s a man of his word and apparently Ashlee’s bugging the crap out of him.
The vote tally:
First vote: Kim
And…the losah is…..*ding ding ding*
The final votes, making it clear that Ibreham takes his orders from the waves:
Bobby Jon: Ashlee
Ibrehem: Kim, and that camera guy who wouldn’t let him smell his Twix wrapper.
Ashlee's final words: She's incredibly grateful for the opportunity, felt ready to go home, and wishes she would have cuddled next to the hot and delicious Ibreham.
Next week: Koror hunts for shark, Jeff limps, and Caryn and Katie commence with early-game beyatch slapping.
Suspended in jello..............again. firstname.lastname@example.org