Itís been two weeks since we last joined the Surreal Lifers in
purgatorythe Vegas mansion and since Brigitte threw herself on her sword and gave Verne a chance to remain in the house. Frankly, no one seems all that upset about Gitteís departure. Itís like she was never there. Everythingís business as usual in the mansion, including the early morning message alert from Robin Leach. Because next to no one is out of bed before the crack of noon around that place, it falls on Rob and C.C. to wake everyone up. Once assembled, the celebs all watch Robinís video and learn that he will be rewarding the A-Listers with some R & R. The B-Listers will be staying put, but he promises a special surprise for them. This will likely involve something both humiliating and bizarre, but thatís makes it more interesting for us, now doesnít it?
Rest, Relaxation and Raunch
As the A-List hops into a van to enjoy their day of R & R, Ron begins his ascendancy to Most Hated Person in the Household by commenting that they should all save some time and say goodbye to C.C. right now, since heís the one whoíll be going home. With the other A-Listers steaming, the group arrives for their spa day at the Canyon Ranch Spa Club at the Venetian. Ron, who is clearly the arbiter of class and good taste, advises everyone not to ask for a ďhappy ending.Ē He then launches into a whole little stand-up routine that basically involves him repeating the same lame jokes about getting facials. Classy.
While Andrea is attempting to block out Ron and his, uhÖ.. skin care discussion, so she can enjoy her massage, the doorbell is ringing back at the mansion. The good news: the B-Listers will be getting massages as well! The bad news: Theyíll be getting tonal massages. This involves a woman who obviously works part-time at a health food cooperative (not that thereís anything wrong with thatÖ), banging on things. She then hums and makes sounds that probably only dogs can hear while she rubs Chyna Dollís feet. One of the dogs cowers under the bed. I suppress the urge to do the same.
Fourteen Minutes, Fifty-Nine Seconds and Counting
Either the spa day is over or they all got thrown out after Ron managed to offend every customer in the place. The A-Listers return to the mansion and Andrea heads right to Traci to vent about Ron. Andrea isnít the only one whoís fed up with Ron and his big mouth. It seems the rest of the team is about two days past happy where Ron is concerned. Traci and Andrea adjourn to the Jacuzzi and vent some more. Suddenly Ė and he must have a radar that informs him when people are talking about him Ė Ron appears. Andrea quickly makes some excuse about blotting her face or bleaching her brain and amscrays. Ron sagely tells us that he thinks there might be a problem between him and Andrea. Great job, Captain Perceptive.
Remember Adrianne Curry and Chris Knight from Surreal Life Season 4 (yeah, and The Brady Bunch and Americaís Next Top Model and My Fair Brady and Öyou get the point)? Well, it seems Chris and Adri have been jonesing for the spotlight. Here comes a letter from them inviting the celebs for sushi on them. Iím thinking back to when Adrianne treated everyone to sushi on her nude body and Iím hoping this wonít be a repeat of that meal. Verneís head might explode. They have also sent over kimonos for everyone to wear to dinner.
Equal Opportunity Lechery
Everyone hustles to get dressed for dinnerÖ.all except for Ron, who is on the phone with his girlfriend. The rest of the celebs sit and wait for Ron and get more and more ticked off. Verne admits that everyone is just about done with Ron and his mouth. Evidently, Ron gets off the phone and dressed without any more drama because heís present and accounted for when Chris and Adrianne arrive, dressed like normal people.
Dinner is on someone, but itís not Adrianne. As everyone settles around the table, we see that the sushi arranged on two nude models Ė one male, the other female. So this time Adrianne actually gets to eat the food instead of just wearing it. Verne seems to be keeping his, erÖchopsticks to himself this time. Tonight the perv is Traci, who canít keep herself from lifting up the leaves covering the sushi guyís bit and pieces. Of course, Ron continues to tell his perv jokes, which only he thinks are funny. Everyone lies and tell Chris and Adrianne that theyíre getting along. Adrianne, who knows dysfunction when she sees it, proposes a toast to the most screwed up people from each season of the show. As if we needed more proof of that, cut to Andrea as she covers Verneís entire face with lipstick kisses. Adrianne observes that he looks like he was attacked by South American prostitutesÖand she would know. That Adrianne, sheís worldly.
Even though dinner is over and everyone else has gone to bed, Traci and Chyna Doll just arenít ready for the party to end. Out of sheer boredom and really, a bit of creativity, they start doing shots out of a rubber chicken. Itís a special kind of drinker who can make it into not only a game, but a play. Traci and Chyna Doll play act wearing their kimonos and what look like Chinese-style hats (which are probably lampshades or rice steamers of something) and using fakey fake Chinese accents. With each shot, they get more creative and more blotto. For example:
Traci: I just got dumped by my boyfriend and Iím really depressed
Chyna Doll: Rubber chicken shot?
Traci: Yeah, rubber chicken shot.
Itís not going to win an Academy Award, but itís better than Baywatch. The girls go through sake, champagne, Jack Daniels, wine, beer and in a moment of either creative genius or when they run out of alcohol, cheese. Yes, cheese. Itís a world gone mad, people.
Poor Manny is awakened by the chicken shot party at 4:35 a.m. Heís annoyed at Traci and Chyna Doll because they have a competition in the morning. Verne is equally pissed off. He calls the girls jackasses, whining that he didnít get any sleep.
Like a Rooster, only NOT
When dawn breaks the next morning, which is to say, sometime after noon, Chyna Doll is still snoring away. She and Traci get up and stumble around, still half-drunk. Verne = still pissed off. Traci and Chyna Doll apologize to Verne, who explains that heís upset because they have a challenge and he wants them to be well-rested. Before Verne can give more of his angry pep talk, a message alert comes in from Robin Leach. He tells them that today they will find out if they have the panache to win over a live audience. They will have to meet him in one hour.
In the van on the way to meet Robin, the B-Listers brainstorm about what they can do. What Manny wants to do is not lose another challenge. Heís also still trying to gauge whether Chyna Doll is still on board with the team thing. After the hotel room challenge, they all have reason to doubt her commitment to the team. Chyna Doll warns them not to push her.
The vans pull up at the V Theater. Iím guessing I should know what that is, but I donít. Robin greets everyone and then introduces David Saxe, a Las Vegas producer who informs the celebs that they will be his variety show tonight. The teams will have four hours to put together a seven minute variety act, which they will then perform before an audience. The winner of the competition will be determined by audience applause. Assisting the teams will be two performers. One of them is a magician and I canít remember either of their names, so there you go.
Cold Stares and Dirty Jokes
Each of the teams will have the assistance of one of the aforementioned performers. The B-Listers meet with their guy, who is a magician. They all agree that the A-Listers will probably sing, so they should do something different. The team settles on a magic-themed show with Verne and Manny taking the lead. Chyna Doll suggests just sitting on the stage and Verne looks like he wants to bitch slap her. He probably would if he could reach.
The A-Listers Ė well, Rob really Ė decides that their act should be called Cold Beer and Dirty Girls. His logic is that everyone loves those two things. Pepa does not love these two things. She complains that Rob is just taking over the whole thing. Heís pretty much always the team leader because he canít stand to lose. Maybe itís also because heís an egomaniacal control freak. Just a thought.
Because Ronís jokes have been going over so well, he decides to do a little stand-up for the show. Backstage itís obvious that the only other person who thinks Ronís jokes are funny is Rob. This is no surprise since Rob also thinks Cold Beer and Dirty Girls is a good name for a variety act. Because C.C. is a guitar player, he decides to do some sort of dance routine with a line of mannequins all tied together. As everyone gets into wardrobe, Rob is sure theyíre going to kill it. I snicker, because this means he is going down.
Over at the B-List, Manny is freaking out from nerves. Iím freaking out over the ginormous afro Verne is wearing.
Where's Chuck Barris When You Need Him?
Itís time for the show to start and Cold Beer and Dirty Girls are up first. Andrea and Pepa (who left her self-respect in the dust about three episodes ago) emerge in showgirl costumes to introduce Ron; Heís the Hardest Man in Showbiz! And itís all downhill from there. Ron emerges with a giant inflatable hot dog between his legs. Then come the same lame-o jokes weíve been hearing from Ron for the whole episode. How bad is it? He actually gets booed. Hee.
C.C. is up next with his dancing thing, which goes from lame to tragic when he trips and falls. C.C. admits he was out of his element and probably should have played his guitar. Gee, ya think? Just when things couldnít get any worse, they actually get better. How often does that happen? Rob closes the show and he really gets the crowd going. The B-Listers watch from backstage and Traci says that they really have a challenge ahead of them because Rob did really well.
Tonight is the night for ridiculous names, so here come the Spectacular Bomb Diggity! Seriously. Verne emerges first and the crowd goes crazy. He then launches into a magic act, making Manny Ė who then acts as co-host Ė appear. Verne and Manny then introduce Traci, whose talent seems to be bending over in a g-string. Maybe they edited some of her ďactĒ out. The next B-Lister to appear is Chyna Doll, who is conjured out of a giant Playboy book. Sheís wearing a green lizard skin jumpsuit and sheís rockiní it.
Youíd think Chyna Doll would be enough of a finale, but the B-List isnít done yet. With a few volunteers from the audience, Manny officiates a ďBest Fake Orgasm Contest.Ē While the ladies moan and groan, Manny laughs hysterically and looks horrified at the same time. I get the feeling Manny doesnít have a lot of experience with female orgasms, fake or otherwise. Manny then tells the crowd that heís heard Verne can do a better fake orgasm (and I swear I cannot believe how many times Iíve typed that word in one paragraph) than anyone on stage. Cut to Traci (who never had any self-respect to begin with) kneeling on the stage in front of Verne. Verne proceeds to grunt once. He then fakes a snore and tells Traci to go make him a sandwich. The crowd goes wild. Backstage, Verne is so happy heís almost crying. Itís a nice change from his usual, crabby self.
With the show over, both teams gather on stage to find learn their fates. By audience applause, The B-Listers win easily. Robin Leach congratulates them and reveals their prize: a Gibson guitar and amp. Robin then informs the A-Listers that they will be playing Back to Reality and one of them will be going home forever. Like they can never leave their house again.
Everyone is furious with Ron and the way he completely blew the competition. Pepa also blames Rob, saying she wishes he didnít always have to take control. Rob deflects any blame by slamming the B-Listers for having Playboy bunnies on stage and calls for them to be disqualified. Oh, this is the first time you heard about Playboy bunnies? Yeah, they were such a minor part of the act that I didnít even write anything down about them. Rob is clearly grasping at straws here. Manny and Verne are both pissed off, as are Chyna Doll and Traci. The B-Listers all bitch about Rob in the van on the way back to the mansion.
Meanwhile in the A-List van, both C.C. and Ron volunteer to play Back to Reality. Ron probably only volunteers because he knows the team will make him play anyway. To pick the third player, the team draws cards back at the mansion. Whoever draws the lowest card has to play. Andrea draws a face card, Rob draws a 10 and Pepa gets a 9. She will be playing. Everyone crosses their fingers that itís Ron whoíll be going home. Forever.
Boo! Hiss! Go Fish!
Robin Leach, again in the powder blue tuxedo, calls everyone into the living room for Back to Reality. The B-Listers just look happy they donít have to play this week. Inga emerges to introduce Robin. This week, heís the next mayor of Las Vegas. Jeez, theyíre really running out of ways to introduce him. Next week heíll be the King of Funkytown. This week, the game will be Celebrity Go Fish! Ron whines about the fact that he has to play Go Fish. Inga deals everyone seven cards and theyíre off.
I could lie and say this was the most exciting card game in the history of card games, but Iíd totally be lying. This is worse than that time on The Biggest Loser when we had to watch the contestants put sand into a pile. This game goes on forever and it is not exciting. Long story short: after getting out to an early lead, C.C. gets overtaken by both Pepa and Ė to the irritation of all Ė Ron. C.C. loses the game and Robin sends him to go pack his bags. C.C. admits that heís hurt and didnít want to leave. Andrea tries to cheer him up, saying that none of them wanted him to leave. Rob tells C.C. that he will be taking a lot of positive energy with him. I just want to give him a big hug.
After C.C. is packed and ready, he says goodbye to everyone. He tells us that heís a guitar player but heís learning to be a good human being. Iíd say heís well on his way.
Next week: Itís a game of Truth where everyone gets brutally honest, the celebs decide Manny is a master manipulator and the A-List is at each othersí throats, while the B-List sings Kumbaya.