Surreal Life: Fame Games 1/14 Recap: America’s Crappiest Home Videos
Welcome back to another episode of the Fame Whore Olympics, otherwise known as Surreal Life: Fame Games! Last week, we saw Chyna Doll and Verne Troyer – probably the oddest pairing in Surreal Life history (and that includes Brigitte Nielsen and Flavor Flav) – got sent to the B-List accommodations. For now, they seem to be keeping it platonic, thank God. If these two end up getting’ busy in the Jacuzzi, I’m out.
As dawn breaks over the mansion, Traci reminds us that Verne and Chyna Doll went to the B-List and insists that she belongs on the A-List. This is a sure sign that Miss Traci is on her way down. Although Brigitte is still on the A-List, she slept over in the B-List digs with Chyna Doll. Gitte uses this show as her own personal dating service.
While Brigitte and Chyna Doll bask in the glow of, er, whatever it is they do, Verne has a “Make a Wish” moment with Manny. Verne and Manny play pool together – without pool cues because Verne can’t use one. Verne tells us that he has looked up to Manny for many years. Of course, this doesn’t stop him from kicking Manny’s butt at “hand pool.” (that sounds dirty, but it actually isn’t, making it a rarity for this show)
The Weirdest of the Weird
Before Verne can gloat too much over his pool prowess, the celebs receive a message alert from Robin Leach. Everyone convenes in the living room to find out what’s in store for them. Robin tells the A-Listers that their activities tonight will be all about the glamour of Las Vegas – they will be taking in a Vegas show. The B-Listers will be doing something a little less spectacular, but Robin promises that it will also be entertaining.
Verne and Chyna Doll have to watch the A-Listers get dolled up and leave. Verne reminds us that he has a history with Chyna Doll. The first time they were on the show together she tried to bogart his room, even though it was custom built for him and made her look like she was starring in a remake of The Attack of the 50-Foot Woman. In spite of the fact that Chyna Doll says she feels like she has to work really hard to get along with Verne, the two seem to be having an okay time and end up getting along much better than they did before. At that moment, the doorbell rings, interrupting their chorus of “Kumbaya.”
The A-Listers may be headed to the Follies Bergiere, but the B-Listers are going to be enjoying a different type of entertainment. Here comes Marshmallow the Clown! How can I describe Marshmallow? If Ronald McDonald and Strawberry Shortcake had a kid, she’s look like Marshmallow. Oddly, even in this setting (and next to Verne and Chyna Doll) she’s weird. It’s a rare occasion when Chyna Doll and Verne are normal compared to anyone. Both of our B-Listers look shell-shocked as Marshmallow informs them that she’s there do perform magic and make balloon animals for them. Oh, hurray!
Meanwhile, the A-Listers are enjoying the show of skin at the Follies Bergiere. Without Chyna Doll to cozy up to, Brigitte opts to play footsy with Ron. This could turn into the most bizarre love triangle EVER. The other A-Listers enjoy the show and the showgirls, but admit that it would have been more fun with Verne and Chyna Doll. Our B-Listers are having a little fun of their own. It seems that Verne’s definition of fun is getting drunk and making lewd comments to a clown. The final straw for Marshmallow? Verne asking if she’s going to get naked. With that, Marshmallow is out of there. I guess we can now add Clown Harasser to Verne’s list of talents. At least he didn’t pee on the floor. There’s still time for that later….
Motorized Chair = Instant Party
Because the A-Listers miss Chyna Doll and Verne so much, they decide to send a car to get them, so they can all have dinner together. Rob calls to give Chyna Doll and Verne the news that they need to get dressed and head outside to meet their ride. Lest these two forget which list they’re on….here comes their SAHweet ride - it’s the B-List Plumbing Van! Man, that’s harsh. The van takes Chyna Doll and Verne to the Rainbow Room where the A-Listers are waiting for them.
The celebs all have a nice dinner and everything seems to be going pretty well until it’s time to go back to the house. Apparently, everyone else was getting too much attention and Traci needed to get the spotlight back. And when I say “back,” I mean back when she was the sixth lead on Baywatch like twenty years ago. After watching Rob and Verne ride around the restaurant on Verne’s scooter Traci and her breasts hop on for a ride around the parking lot. Verne might be having fun, but Chyna Doll is definitely not. She shouts at him to get in the van, but he’s having none of it. He leaves Chyna Doll to stew as he and Traci make another lap around the parking lot. So, I guess the honeymoon is over with these two.
Things are already pretty chilly between Chyna Doll and Verne by the time he finally gets into the van and they head back to the house. She then makes a joke about midget bowling and it’s all downhill from there. Verne quickly corrects her: midget is not the correct term – she should say “dwarf” or “little person.” Either Chyna Doll is a little drunk or just feeling like she wants to get back at him for making her wait, but she hits him with another “midget.” She tells us that she called Verne a midget out of ignorance, reasoning that that makes it okay. Uh-huh. Verne doesn’t see it that way. Neither do I.
Back at the house, Verne talks to Rob, who passes on the sage advice he got from that oracle of wisdom, Erik Estrada: Wipe your ass with that. Yeah, I think I read that in the I Ching. Verne says that either he or Chyna Doll needs to leave because he doesn’t want to be in the same house with her. Jeez, all of these people are like 13 year-olds. They stomp off and threaten to leave at the drop of a dime.
Must Have Been a Full Moon
The Gitte – Chyna Doll love-fest continues. At 4:06 a.m., we see them singing and playing guitar and climbing all over each other as the dogs bark like crazy. It’s a total free-for-all. Chyna Doll tells us that they have made a connection. I’d say so. She then has a fit of um…..how to say this delicately….flatulence, which Brigitte seems to think is cute. I can’t believe I have to discuss people passing gas. Finally, the two lovebirds go to bed around 6:15 a.m.
In the kitchen the next morning, the rest of the housemates discuss the fact that most of them got very little sleep what with the racket coming from the B-List wing. They all speculate on what exactly is going on between Brigitte and Chyna Doll. Like me, they are both curious and alarmed.
Robin Leach arrives to announce the next challenge, After everyone gathers in the living room, Robin tells them that they have been broken up into teams of two: Rob with Andrea, Brigitte with Manny, Ron with Pepa and C.C. with Traci. They will have to make their own 30 second “scandalous” video. If they need help, they can enlist either of the B-Listers. Rob and Andrea immediately ask Verne to be in their video, while Ron asks Chyna Doll to work with him and Pepa. Each team receives a box of props, a video camera and one hour to complete their video.
panel of expert judges will decide on a winner. The winning team will choose which three celebs will play “Back to Reality” this week and fight to stay on the A-List.
As the teams get started on their videos, it quickly becomes obvious and C.C. and Traci have absolutely NO clue what to do. He tells us that he doesn’t feel right just telling Traci to get naked, even though that’s clearly what he wants her to do. They end up doing some lame thing with her running around the bedroom à la Baywatch. Traci claims to be a very creative person, while admitting that neither of them had any idea what to do.
Manny and Brigitte take to the pool, rolling around in the water and then sharing a rather chaste kiss, which for him is muy escandaloso.
Ron Jeremy reveals that he is really good at holding his breath under water. His idea: Chyna Doll and Pepa can pretend to have an affair and kill him by drowning him in the Jacuzzi. Pepa changes into a bathing suit and Ron strips down to shorts, which really is just not a good thing. I really miss Marcus Schenkenberg. Ron, who has lots of experience in film, decides that he is most capable of planning this video. He basically steamrolls Pepa and takes over the whole thing, much to her irritation.
Manny and Brigitte think they’ve got their video all wrapped up until they spy Rob, Andrea and Verne preparing to shoot their video. Really, Manny spies Andrea’s butt in a g-string and follows it like a homing beacon. Manny and Brigitte decide that filming the filming of someone else’s scandalous video is way more scandalous than their own scandalous video.
We watch as Andrew pours milk all over herself while clad in a black bra and g-string. Then she, Verne and Rob (wearing a black ski mask and hot pink feather boa, natch) watch the fruits of their labor. Pun intended…based on the subject of their video, which you’ll read about in a few sekkies.
One of These Things is Not Like the Other
Once Robin calls time, the teams head to the living room to meet the judges. First up is Dan Schear, the video manager of the Adult Superstore, a chain of porn shops in Nevada. Next is Ali Masters, an actress in a movie called Wild Party Girls, which I’m sure was featured at Sundance last year. Finally, we meet Marge Russo, a grandmother of six and an avid Bingo player.
The first video on the chopping block comes from C.C. and Traci. In short: she does a Baywatch run in her undies and C.C. gets naked except for his guitar. Booooring. Ron immediately pipes up, saying that it wasn’t very scandalous at all. He tells us that he thought it was a piece of crap. This in contrast to the masterpieces of Western cinema he stars in. Marge is horrified. She thinks naked men are disgusting, which makes me wonder how she ended up with six grandchildren.
Up next is the team of Ron, Pepa and Chyna Doll, whose video opens with Pepa convincing Chyna Doll to help her murder Ron. Cut to a shot of Ron floating face-down in the Jacuzzi and then….CUT! Ron protests that the video isn’t over but Robin informs him that the 30 seconds is up. Ron is just pissed off that he can’t count. Dan tells Pepa that she has potential. Considering the kinds of movies he deals with, I’m not sure she should take that as a compliment. Marge, of course, hated it and says that it looks like they were promoting “gaiety” among women. Damn those cheerful women. They’re the source of all evil.
Rob, Andrea and Verne have managed to put together a bizarre, I guess you could call it a “birthing video.” Andrea (in the aforementioned lingerie) pretends to be in labor and gives birth to various items including a rubber duckie, a baby doll and Verne who is, inexplicably, wearing a snorkel. Marge the film critic says that it’s disgusting, but not scandalous. Ali thinks the video is hilarious, although I doubt it takes much to amuse that one.
Last up are Manny and Brigitte with their video of the previous team. Mainly, it involves Manny saying “We’ve got scandal!” over and over again. Dan says that there is no sensationalism here. Marge deems the video too short and says that children (i.e. Manny) shouldn’t be in a film like that. An irritated Manny quickly sets her straight and explains that he’s a grown man, which is probably something he has to do pretty regularly.
While the judges deliberate, Ron Jeremy tells us that all of the other videos were horse manure. Robin Leach then announces that Rob and Andrea have won the competition. Ron stews and plans his revenge. Rob, Andrea and Verne meet to decide who they’ll choose to play Back to Reality. Because they really don’t want to nominate anyone, nor do they want to start making enemies, Rob, Andrea and Verne decide to pick the three names out of a hat. When Robins calls everyone to the living room, Rob tells the group that they chose the following names out of a hat: Manny, Brigitte and Traci
Learning “Charo,” the Berlitz Way
Since we just saw Robin Leach all of 20 seconds ago and all have short-term memory loss, here’s Inga to give him the big introduction. This week, he’s Mr. Las Vegas…um, no that would be Wayne Newton. This week, Robin is resplendent in a powder blue tux. With ruffles. Fancy.
The name of the game today is “What’s Charo Saying?” The contestants will see a video clip of Charo speaking. The first one to ring in and translate correctly gets one point. The first player to get two points wins the game and the other two players head to the B-List.
Brigitte gains an early lead, correctly interpreting Charo’s first treatise: “I had three martinis. I got pregnant and I don’t even remember.” And who hasn’t?
The second video proves a bit tricker. Manny’s guess: “I was yelling at the kids because they were eating ripped paper.” The correct answer: “I was jealous of the kids because they were eating roasted peppers.”
A frustrated Traci finally gets a point for getting the following statement correct: “I like to keep the house in good condition where you don’t see caca and peepee everywhere.” Who knew I had so much in common with Charo?
Manny finally gets on the board with the following: “Always excuses: they give me cock and bull stories.” Everyone is tied up with one point each and it comes down to this last video. The winner is Manny, with his translation of the following pearl of wisdom: “I told the men they had to leave if they didn’t mind their p’s and q’s.” Manny remains on the A-List and Brigitte and Traci are headed to the B-List. Since Brigitte has been sleeping in B-Town anyway, this won’t be much of a change for her. Princess Traci, on the other hand = the opposite of happy. She immediately whines and blames the buzzer, claiming she rang in at the same time Manny did. Whatever.
Traci takes one look at her new accommodations and throws a princess fit. Chyna’s dogs, sensing Traci’s snobbery, bark their heads off at her. As Chyna Doll and Brigitte do whatever it is they do and Verne does whatever it is he does, Traci stands in the middle of it all looking horrified. She proclaims all of them losers and says that this is what is must be like to be on the B-List. It must be unfamiliar because she’s never made it up to the B-List.
Next week: The celebs will be showing off their dubious acting skills. Also, a flirtation between Brigitte and Ron grows until Ron makes a huge blunder that sends Brigitte to pack her bags. What is it with these people always packing their bags in a huff?