7/17/05: It's So...Surreal
This week, let's play the Surreal Life drinking game! It goes like this: Every time Janice says something offensive, take a sip. Everytime someone changes their mind, take three gulps. If Omarosa mangles a sentence, finish your glass. And no hard liquor, people. We're about to polish off a whole bunch of intoxicating fluids and I don't want anybody to get hurt. Got a case of beer? Let's do this thing!
Welcome To Casa de Weirdo
It's another day in the Surreal Life house, and everyone is about their morning business. Bronson is peacefully brushing his teeth in his private bathroom, while Caprice and Carey share a sink in harmony. Jose is just waking up on the couch when the doorbell rings. It is Duke and Gabriel, Janice's hair and makeup team. She gives the impression that a day does not go by when they don't glam-ify her. They set up beauty camp in her bathroom, while Omarosa steams that she can't get in there to take a shower. When she says there's already a line in the other bathroom, Janice suggests that Omarosa just use a hose. Meow!
Omarosa rants to the camera, mimicking Janice: "I'm a supermodel, I'm a supermodel, I'm a supermodel, I'm a supermodel, it takes me four hours to get ready - I'm a supermodel." Bitter much, Omarosa?
Do Not Tell Me What To Do, Little Reality TV Beauty Queen Lady
Jose opens the door to find a huge stack of his book, Juiced. The plan is that Jose will host a book signing in the house, and the rest of the housemates will help the event run smoothly. Omarosa declares that she likes money, so she will be the cashier. Her plan to turn a profit by charging $40 per book is shot down by Jose, so she says she will mark up each book by $5 and take her cut, as she says "It is always about the profit." When she says that they all need to work together as a team, Bronson 'don't-tell-me-what-to-do' Pinchot says "No, we don't."
Jose jokes that someone needs to be security for the book signing, as Mark McGwire might send someone to shoot him. Caprice can't believe that anyone who would come to meet Jose would be anything less than a fan, but Jose tells he her has gotten plenty of death threats. [Juiced contains allegations that McGwire used steroids, and has prompted congressional inquiries into the use of the drug in baseball. It is safe to assume that the 'kiss and tell' chapter about Madonna has prompted nothing but gagging.]
Omarosa suddenly decides that she would be better at 'moving and flowing' than being the cashier, and asks Bronson if he can count. Duly insulted, Bronson gets in her face and tells her she is too bossy and that she needs to back off. She continues throwing generic insults, as Bronson says in confessional, so that she can get on the internet and "tell all her little friends that she is still Queen Bitch." Omarosa gets hit by the karma boomerang when she says something about the 'plan going array'. Bronson corrects her and says the pronounciation is 'awry'. Omarosa cooly says it's the same difference. He says no it's not, it's called English and she needs to learn it.
Clearly, Analogies Aren't Their Strong Point
Jose's so-called fans line up and are admitted entrance. There seems to be an equal mix of true admirers and out-and-out haters. Bronson and Janice witness the rude and disrespectful behavior of many, like the guy who asked Jose to sign the book, "To Matt, sorry I killed baseball." Janice says that she's realized Jose is really Ghandi, as he just let it all roll off of his back. Bronson says Jose is like that one bird in the pet store who is just sitting on a branch while the other birds make noise and poop. Okaaaaaaaay.
The Curious Case of the Three Legged Dog
Pepa opens the door to find a pile of bowling bags and the latest issue of The Surreal Times. She reads aloud that they will be going to bowl against a professional league team, and that the losing team will have to clean all of the dirty bowling shoes in the alley. What she doesn't read is the large headline that says: "Lucky Ignored! Shocking Story Inside!"
The Lifers hear the twist -- one of them must act as captain for the league team. Janice declares loudly (how else?) that she will do it; she will mess the other team up and they will lose as a result of her freakish leadership. Bronson cackles and says the plan is *bleep*ing brilliant. Although everyone is thrilled to get out of the house, Caprice finds the Surreal Life van to be "so embarrassing!" Regardless, they climb in and head off to the Fountain Bowl where they meet Joyce Hearn of the Orange County ARC Charity. Joyce explains that every point earned today will be turned into a dollar for the ARC Charity, and asks who is going to be captain for the opposing team. Although Janice had forcefully volunteered ealier, she suddenly backs down and offers up Bronson for the position. He refuses, and after a moment of averted glances and uncomfortable silence, Omarosa says she will do it... with a pout. Janice introduces the captain to Joyce as "Omarosa, the whore!" Again, averted glances and an uncomfortable silence. Omarosa takes her place in the opposition's lane, and Joyce introduces.... The Sunshine Strikers!
I Wonder What ARC Stands For?
Bounding through a paper sign and striking superhero poses, the Sunshine Strikers shock the holy hell out of the Lifers. Nobody told them that they would be bowling against mentally challenged individuals! I instantly fall in love with this sassy, headstrong bunch, who have their game faces on and aren't going to let their disabilities get in the way of kicking some psuedo-celebrity butt. Bronson is shocked and asks Pepa to do him a favor and just shoot him now. I wonder....why? I guess he likes to be the most spastic person in any gathering. Janice says, "It was surreal, because the opposing team were all special people." Surreal, huh? Imagine that. Janice goes around and introduces herself, asking each of the Sunshine boys if they are single. She is rejected all around.
Omarosa, on the other hand, is pleasantly surprised. She says she has been working with the mentally challenged since she was in the 7th grade, and has some mentally challenged persons in her family. More than one? Is that counting herself? All snarkiness aside, she actually interacted well with the team, and it seemed very natural to her. Caprice acknowledges that Omarosa was "amazing with them."
Good-natured insults fly fast and furious, and a pattern quickly establishes itself: the Sunshine Strikers throw strikes and spares, and the Lifers throw gutterballs. Even Jose, who had earlier bragged that his bowling average is usually 210-220, can't hit a pin to save his life. In a funny moment, Caprice goes forward to throw the ball, and Chastity "The Punisher" from the Strikers taunts, "You're going down, woman!" Sheesh, what does an international model have to do to get some respect around here? In a shocking twist, Janice gets a strike, and Pepa runs over to give her a huge hug. (Yeah, I'm thinking about the bathroom scene from last week, too. Get your mind outta the gutter!) As the opposing team goes up next, Janice throws out a genial "You're going down!" which is met with a "Yeah RIGHT, toots!" These kids are slaying me. When it is his turn, Bronson is totally inept and drops the ball just as he is swinging back. Pep gets a spare, closing the gap to 80 points. Rajan is up for the Strikers, and when Omarosa tells him that the team needs a strike, he replies, "I will do it for you." Say it with me, people....Awwwwww, how sweet! Rajan gets all Zen and takes a few moments to center himself...and then easily throws a strike. Like butter.
This Paragraph Not Politically Correct
Here's where it all goes wrong. Just like in The Real World, Janice has stopped being polite and started being... rude. In an outburst that is largely bleeped, Janice clearly uses the word 'retard' to describe the Sunshine Strikers. Bronson leans in and whispers that she shouldn't use the word retard, because their parents can hear. (But, hey, when they're not listening... go for it!) She says "oh... sorry", then shouts out something about Rain Man. A little "oopsie!" look comes flits across her botoxed face, but can't hang on for long. And for her third and final act of complete idiocy, Janice sticks her Gene Simmons-like tongue out and mimes eating an ice cream cone, really fast. Or something. It wasn't pretty.
Omarosa is appalled, and says she can't fathom making fun of anyone who is mentally challenged, and that there is no excuse for her behavior. And I...I...oh crap. I hope I don't hate myself in the morning, but I have to say it: Omarosa is right. (As a side note, I googled "ARC Charity" to see what it stood for...and was a bit surprised. It stands for Association of Retarded Citizens. Does that mean it's a little bit okay to say someone is retarded, especially if you are raising money for them? I'm just saying...)
Be The Ball.....Beeeee the Balllllll.
It's the 10th and final frame, and Pep is up. Jose tells her that if they can get three strikes, they are still in the game. Pep gets all competitive, and easily throws three consecutive stikes! The Lifers are done, and lead the game 689 to 680. Omarosa is up last for the Strikers, and throws a gutter ball. Rajan, the Zen Bowler, comes up to coach her through her final toss. This boy must have a magic touch, because Omarosa knocks down all ten pins, and brings the score up to 689-691. The Sunshine Strikers win a pizza party and trophies for all.
Bronson watches Omarosa celebrate with her team, and says it moved him, and that "she's....interesting." Caprice thinks that Omarosa is really a nice person deep down. Omarosa presents Joyce with a check from The Surreal Life for $1,380, and Janice goes over to Sunshine Chris to say congratulations and gives him a kiss on the cheek, which he attempts to turn into a full on lip lock. The losers clean the dirty shoes, and everyone piles back into the van for the drive back to Hollywood. Jose pretends to break the head off of Omarosa's trophy, and everyone seems to be in a good mood.
The World's First Super Cavewoman
Janice has decided that in spite of Jose's bowling non-skills, he is still a two-time World Series champion, and she must have him. She overshares and tells the camera that she doesn't flirt; she clubs, drags back to her lair, and has her way with the object of her desire. She starts with her not-so-subtle seduction by dropping her shoulder strap as Jose walks by, then she gives him a flirty kiss goodnight. As she leaves the living room, where he is settling down for the night, she lifts her nightie and flashes her bum. He doesn't see, but we get treated to a big white blurry blob. As the show closes, Janice kisses Jose's book goodnight, and then declares that they will hook up.
Next week: The Lifers put on a burlesque show, and Janice threatens to walk out two minutes before they go onstage.
Tell me your favorite drinking game at firstname.lastname@example.org