07/10/05 Recap: Send in the Clowns
Welcome back to the Surreal Life, a madcap trip into the personal lives of seven D-list celebrities who must be
a) running very low on cash or
b) so starved for attention that no level of humiliation can stop them.
As in the four seasons preceding, we will have an eclectic group of seven who each bring their own dubious notoriety along for the ride. The same mansion used last year has been converted to a hellish circus scene, complete with fun house entrance, freak show posters and... Astroturf carpet. Everywhere you look is an assault to good taste.
The show begins with Andy Dick, and I have to tell you, you almost lost your faithful recapper right then and there. Ugh, that man is an abomination. But since I love y’all, I put aside my suicidal tendencies and soldiered on. Andy is technically there to greet the guests as they arrive and deliver them safely into the mansion. In reality, he spares no opportunity to be offensive and annoying. Curse you, VH1!
To Be Lewd, or Not to Be Lewd, That Is the Question
Vamping it up in a security guard outfit, complete with nightstick and metal detector, Andy is waiting to frisk, humiliate and irritate everyone that passes his way. First to arrive is Bronson Pinchot. You might recognize him as Balki from Perfect Strangers, and if you do, you probably have warm memories of the silly man from Mypos doing the dance of joy with his cousin Larry. Bronson trained in the Yale School of Drama and I’m assuming he got straight A’s, because he clearly is not a lovable guy in real life. The ugly truth is that he’s a paunchy pervert with a penchant for saying “horny things”. Bronson tells us he had a poor childhood and often owned only one pair of pants at any given time. Andy digs at Bronson by mispronouncing his name and gets him to admit he is only there for the money.
Inside the house, which he immediately hates, Bronson realizes he is the first to arrive and promptly claims the only private bedroom for his own. He spies the poster of himself as Balki hanging over the bed and quickly hides it away. He calls his manager, who reminds Bronson to be careful not to rack up any sexual harassment charges while he is there. There must be some kind of history there…
Doin' Her Alma Mater Proud
Outside, the next housemate has arrived; Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. I am not a faithful viewer of The Apprentice, but even I know that Omarosa was a huge bitch and the laughingstock of the season. It takes no time for her to prove to me that this is an accurate character assessment. (What?! She wasn't edited that way?!) Andy asks her last name, and she replies, “It’s just Omarosa,” as her tongue darts out and touches her top lip. Simultaneously, Andy says, “just like Cher?” Is that just a lucky coincidence, or is Andy actually funny? Omarosa proceeds to tells us that she received more recognition from being on The Apprentice than most people are able to achieve in their whole career. She also states that she is “much more smarter than Donald Trump.” Excuse me… I graduated from the University of Schoolhouse Rock, and I am positive that is not proper grammar.
Omarosa arrives in the house and meets Bronson. His first impression is that she showed up ready to star in Dallas or Dynasty, and that she is nothing but a “photo-op with legs.” Omarosa discovers that she missed out on the diva suite, and settles for the bedroom that has two twin beds.
She Either Hates You or Wants to Sleep With You
Janice Dickinson, self-appointed World’s First Supermodel, rolls up and introduces herself to Andy, who admits he has read her book and that he knows her boobs are fake. She tells us that only when she entered a 12 step program did her life start to be happy. She enters the house and is taken through the house by Omarosa, who advises Janice that they will be rooming together. Janice is horrified and takes an immediate disliking to Omarosa, who she says is acting like a Beverly Hill real estate agent, and Bronson, who seems to be a creepy moron.
Plastic, Thy Name is Caprice
Next to arrive is Caprice Bourret, who describes herself as an “international model.” As I have never heard of her, I can only assume that one of those nations is not the United States of America. In spite of the very French name and the English affectations, Caprice is actually a California girl, born and bred. She rose to fame after appearing at a London red carpet event in a highly revealing couture gown, and has since been named Maxim’s Girl of the Year three times. She also tried her hand at being a pop star, and flopped so miserably that she lost 12 pounds in one weekend. (Note to self: try pop star diet.) I’ve had about enough of Andy at this point; he is sniffing Caprices undergarments and touching her in places that even that infamous skimpy dress covered up. Ew.
When she arrives in the house, Bronson compares her to a soulless Barbie doll with no vagina. See? Creepy.
As everyone is talking about how surreal their surroundings are, a three-legged dog named Lucky hobbles in. It seems Lucky was involved in a freak circus accident, and the irony of his name is noted by all. Lucky is darn cute and Caprice takes an instant liking to him.
Next, we meet Sandy Denton, who put the spice into the rap duo Salt-n-Pepa. In my opinion, you don’t get any cooler than Pepa. She handles Andy and his antics with grace and humor and drives herself to the mansion when Andy says he is too tired to do it. Omarosa is flabbergasted to meet her, and nearly everyone recognizes who she is. Sandy knows Bronson from his role as Serge in Beverly Hills Cop.
56 Broken Bones and Great Big Bag of Chill
Housemate number six shows up and we meet Carey Hart, who is well-known for his revolutionary freestyle motocross antics, but is primarily known to me as Pink’s on-again/off-again boyfriend, now fiancé. Andy storms away from his duties, but not before yelling something at Carey about having marijuana in his luggage. Carey is covered from neck to waist in one big tattoo, which Sandy admires with her eyes and her hands. He’s not my type, but he has a mellow demeanor and pretty eyes that quickly endear me to him.
Step Right Up and Behold the Freaks!
Everyone mingles and wonders who the seventh housemate is going to be. Janice has the bright idea of uncovering the top row of photos to solve the mystery, and suggests using a broomstick (Omarosa's, maybe?) to push the leopard print cloth out of the way. Janice then settles down on the couch and watches with amusement as her housemates pile up haystacks to reach the photos, which appear to be at least fifteen feet up the wall. Damn mansions with their vaulted ceilings! Janice guesses that it might be Michael Jackson, which isn't entirely impossible considering he used to live there and is allegedly broke. Bronson makes lewd comments as Caprice and Omarosa hold his legs to keep him from falling, and Omarosa spies something that leads her to believe that the mystery housemate has something to do with baseball. She hopes it is Sammy Sosa, but their efforts were unsuccessful and they give up without a solid answer.
With perfect timing, the first issue of The Surreal Times is delivered, and Bronson retrieves it. He returns to the living room, hollering NO WAY! NO WAY! Is he simply reading the headline, “No Way, It's Jose!" or is he honestly stunned into redundancy? He reads the article to his housemates who are shocked and appalled (appalled, I tell you!) to discover that housemate #7 is none other than Jose Canseco, the original bad boy of baseball. OK, I don't know if he was the original bad boy of baseball or not, but it sounds good! I don't really know anything about baseball at all, but will occasionally accept free tickets from my employer to watch the Giants play at SBC Park. (Field Club, Row 3, at the visitors' dugout. You could spit on the batter if ya wanted to. Niiiiiice.)
What was I saying? Oh yeah; bad boy. Well, Jose has certainly been a bad boy, his crimes ranging from domestic violence, to using steroids and breaking noses in bar brawls. He did his time in jail, and wrote a bestselling book about his life. Since The Surreal Times has helpfully included Jose's rap sheet, everyone has plenty of time to get worked up about sharing a house with a wife batterer! A violent thug! A 'roid-head! Poor little Caprice gets so upset she looks like she could using a vial of smelling salts. Janice says things like "That's vile! That's baaaaad," but I get the feeling she's just trying to work everybody up into a lather. Carey alone withholds judgment and prefers to base his opinion on first-hand knowledge. For the record, I think it's crappy for a man to hit his wife and to cheat to get ahead at work, but I lean towards Carey's way of thinking. We'll just have to wait and see what Jose is really like.
Out-Juicing OJ Simpson
And without further ado, heeeeeeeeres Jose! There is palpable tension in the room as the monstrous man enters (he's 6 foot something and built like a brick house.) There are a few muttered hellos, and Carey steps up to introduce himself and shake Jose's hand. I'm sure Jose was expecting the build up, and was not surprised at his cold reception, but you could tell he felt uncomfortable at a few points. Omarosa, doing what she does best, warns Jose in advance for the things she might say in the next week. He replies that it is okay, he will probably beat her. Now hold it right there: will he beat her in the sense that he will likely out-offend her with his comments? Or will he BEAT HER beat her? I took it the first way, but Omarosa takes the low road and starts miming punches at Caprice. However, Jose then says something about victimizing the women, which elicits giggles from the women in question.
The ladies openly discuss how great Jose's butt is, and Janice wonders if he is single. Omarosa, being as obnoxious as only a select few can, starts grilling Jose about his past. She asks several blunt questions, which I guess is okay, but laughs at him and cuts him off when he tries to answer, which is not okay. Lucky comes in and causes a much-needed distraction, and Jose declares him the ugliest dog ever. Janice, smitten as she may be, says Jose has a seven second delay (i.e. he's stoopid) from all the steroids.
Ode to Poo, Part One
In the next scene, we see Caprice entering the bathroom after Jose exits. He warns her that she might want to wait for a while, and this spurs a discussion between them and Sandy about poo etiquette. Caprice declares that they need some matches in there, and Jose asks Sandy if she wipes with a flower, because when he used the bathroom after her, there was no smell. Also, Caprice offers up the following tidbit: if you flush as soon as it comes out, it is not as smelly. Too much information for you, too? Yeah, let's get out of this paragraph.
Inter Planet Janice, She's a Galaxy Girl
Sandy, in honor of her ancestry, hosts a Jamaican style dinner, which Janice says could feed an Indonesian family for a month. Next, she asks Sandy to share her story of how Salt-n-Pepa were discovered. Sandy starts talking, and almost immediately Janice starts ignoring her, loudly admiring Jose's hands and arms. Sandy calls her on the interruption, and the process is repeated over again several times, with Janice ultimately tapping her nails on the table and saying "get to the point already!" Everyone is clearly annoyed with Janice and her attention-getting antics.
So... remember that 12-step program that Janice spoke of earlier? Maybe it was for gambling, cause Janice appears to be getting more and more inebriated, and in turn, increasingly obnoxious. At one point, Bronson leans over and comes a few inches away from cupping Janice’s breast, and she storms off to the kitchen, angry at Bronson for trying to grope her. What’s a completely normal, non-perverted guy to do? Naturally, follow her into the kitchen and put his hands on her stomach, then wrap his arms around her from behind. She asked him several times to stop touching her, so he tries to apologize by giving her a hug. Someone else in this house needs a 12-step program, I think. I completely agree that Bronson’s actions were inappropriate and unwanted and he should have left her alone.
Quicker than you can say "World's First Supermodel", Janice is sobbing and staggering to the phone, where she makes a tearful call to Palo. No, Paula. Wait, P.Lo? She can't seem to remember his name, but he doesn't seem to care what she calls him, as long as she calls him. Janice demands that he come pick her up immediately, and he tells her that is impossible as she is in Los Angeles and he is in New York. Creepy Bronson does the exact opposite of the right thing, and hovers over her, sending Janice into further hysterics.
[*sigh* It is as boring typing this as it was watching it!]
Ultimately, Pepa saves the day, gets Janice off of the phone and takes her into the bathroom for some private ego-stroking. Apparently this is just what the doctor ordered, as Janice bounces right back to her normal level of dramatics, and blames her outburst on PMS. She still insists that Bronson is creepy and says she would rather sleep with a homeless man.
Wait...what?! You say you heard a kissing noise coming from the bathroom? Yeah, me too. But I'm sure it's nothing, as the door opened as soon as the brief sound was heard. After leaving the bathroom, Janice calls her friend to tell him she is better now. Suddenly, Sandy bounds up to give Janice a quick smooch, and Janice hangs up on her friend right in the middle of his exuberant kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss sound effects. Poor little groupie! Janice then tells us that Pepa is Pepa, and that now she just wants to get into Pepa’s pants.
Ode to Poo, Part Two
Caprice decides to take Lucky out for a potty break before heading to bed. Lucky, having been cooped up all day with a pack of raving idiots, decides he'd rather spend his outside time exploring and drags a freezing Caprice around like a rag doll. Caprice finally yells at Lucky to “go poo-poo!”, but just like my toddler, Lucky doesn't do command performances. Caprice finally gives up and takes the
tripoddog back into the house. Shortly after everyone goes to sleep, Lucky walks to the wall, hikes up his stub and takes a leak.
Later this season: The Lifers are challenged to game of bowling by a group of developmentally challenged youth. Janice cries and threatens to leave again, this time through the window! There is a burlesque dance challenge, and Jose applies frosty pink gloss to his lips. Janice holds a butcher knife over Omarosa's head. All of the women want Jose's body, and Bronson remains creepy. Oh yeah, and Janice wants to get into Pepa's pants. It's going to be a wild and bumpy ride!
P-Lo, are you reading this? Tell me about Janice's middle-of-the-night hysterical phone calls! firstname.lastname@example.org