This show is short. No really. I understand that the TV Guide says The Surreal Life airs for 30 minutes each Sunday night – but in reality we get about 15 minutes of show and 15 minutes of commercials. It’s barely worth watching. I think they should just save up the season and show it all on one night. With commercials, we should be able to see every episode in about 3 hours time. And I could DVR that, fast forward though commercials and be done and done in about an hour and a half. But that’s enough of my drivel – let me tell you what happened this week on The Surreal Life.
A week has passed in the surreal house when Chris wakes up and realizes that he is a man and Adrianne is a hot woman that wants him. He sets out to find her and tell her that he is no longer going to deny her advances. He is giving in. Adrianne is sitting outside by the pool, still upset from Chris’ laughing at her and questioning her motives from the prior night. He says he is sorry for doubting her, and naturally, she accepts his apology.
Soon after The Surreal Times arrives announcing that “Love is in the Air.” The roomies are to prepare for date night, when cupid will be arriving at their door at 5:30 p.m. Adrianne is psyched, excited in the belief that she will finally get to spend some quality time with her man, Chris. However, when cupid turns up in the form of Ron Jeremy in enormous diapers carrying a bow with arrows strapped to his fat chest, Adrianne’s hopes fall flat. Upon seeing Ron, our favorite houseguest from season 2, Da Brat makes a sickened face and says she wouldn’t give it up to this uber hung former porn star for 10 million bucks. Good thing he’s not your date, Brat…not that you’ll be giving it up to your date either.
Ron stands fat and mostly naked before the celebs and tells them they will be picking their dates for the evening in a format sort of, kind of, reminiscent of “The Dating Game.” In other words, 3 possible dates come down for each roomie. The roomie asks them a question or 2, then picks the one with whom he or she will spend the evening. First possible dates to arrive are for Verne. They are blonde. They have big boobs. They look like bimbos. Verne is pumped, proclaiming his excitement will soon turn him into a human tripod. Ron can relate – but Da Brat who saw his wee little wee wee on night one of drunk-Verne-peeing-in-the-weight-room knows the truth.
Verne’s first question for one of the 3 blondes is “Do you wear a thong?” The woman lifts her mini skirt for Mini-me, revealing a g-string. Verne’s eyes nearly pop out of his teeny little skull. The second question he asks is “Are your boobs real?” She grabs her breasts and says, “Wanna feel?” Verne nods emphatically as she walks towards him. DING! He’s found his date for the evening.
Next up is Chyna Doll. Her choices include a short, but cute guy in a suit, a tall built black man and some scrub that clearly doesn’t want any part of this. Chyna poses one question to her guys, “If you could buy me anything to make me happy, what would it be?” The short guy says, “A really good time.” Huh? The built black man says, “A good heart.” Double huh??! The third guy says, “A book.” Clearly there’s been some serious editing here… either that or the man in the middle knows something about Chyna’s heart that we don’t. Granted, if he’s trying to prolong her life, he might go for a new liver instead.
Third up is Marcus. He chooses a cute, sweet woman with a plunging neckline. Next up is Adrianne, who is pissed that she is going to have to give Chris up to another woman for the night. She asks her three bachelors, “Is it cool for a woman to burp in front of you?” One guys says, “Hell yeah.” One responds, “On occasion.” One looks a little sick and says, “Rarely” or something else just as dull. Burping Adrianne chooses the hell yeah bad boy and takes him by the arm.
3 guys arrive for Da Brat. Her question for the men was, “Do you think you would be able to pick me up and slam me against the wall if things were to get sexual?” Yowza! She obviously chose the one that said yes without hesitation. A dude with a big afro and an attitude. Chris is last to pick. He tells the women that from his stay in the house, he has grown accustomed to women that are little “raw.” (He’s looking at you, burping next top model.) He asks the women if they can be raw. They all say yes, and he chooses the one that doesn’t make ridiculous cat like motions when describing how raw she can be. The woman is named Glory and she owns her own business. Adrianne wants to punch her in the face.
Ron explains that each of the roomies will split into 2 couples and will rotate through the 3 different date settings – a serenity pond (a couple of row boats in the pool), a cozy room with a full bar and a bottle for a little spin-the-bottle action, and…. Go-Go Jane, who is not participating in tonight’s dates because she is a newlywed, is instead hosting one of the date rooms for the night. Her room is the fetish room with whips and chains aplenty. Chris, Adrianne and their dates pair off, Da Brat, Chyna and their dates hook up, leaving Marcus and Verne to share the evening with their women.
Chris, Adrianne and dates all head to Jane’s room first. Jane explains the roles of master and servant (but calls them tops and bottoms) and both Adrianne and Chris choose to be bottoms. Adrianne strips off her skirt and places her g-stringed bottom across the lap of her date, who proceeds to ogle and spank her. Chris is also ogling Adrianne, but explains that his date is uncomfortable with naked Adrianne. And Adrianne is doing everything in her power to make Chris’ date uncomfortable. But Glory manages to strip off Chris’ shirt, cover him in oil and walk on his back all the same.
Getting drunk in the bar room we find Chyna (shocking), Da Brat and their dates. Da Brat is digging her guy, saying he is a thug (which apparently is a good thing) and that he likes stiff drinks. Chyna’s little suited guy is obviously out of his element as he points out that Chyna has already done too many shots. This little guy is begging for a beating! Meanwhile, Verne and Marcus are outback in the pool, trying to row their boats to shore. Well, Marcus is. Verne’s date is having to do all the rowing for him while Verne sits back and bitches about the cold.
Soon the couples change rooms. Verne and Marcus head to Jane’s room with their dates for some S&M. Apparently, Verne chooses to be a bottom as we see his date spanking his butt. Verne looks like he is going to be sick from the pain and calls out “RED” so she will stop the smacking. I don’t know what went on with Marcus and his date since the editors felt the need to cut that footage. Adrianne, Chris and their dates head to the drinking room, but no spin the bottle was played. Adrianne and her date drink as Chris and his date sit back and talk. Glory reveals that Peter was always her favorite Brady. Adrianne broods. Silly jealous girl.
In the serenity pond, Da Brat steals a kiss from her thug and Chyna starts throwing pita bread at them from her row boat. She states that she, Da Brat and Da Brat’s date are having a splendid time. Soon after, they head to Jane’s room where Chyna is of course the top and proceeds to boss her loser date around and spank him repeatedly. Da Brat also chooses to be the top and has her date take his shirt off and get on his hands and knees. After a few smacks on his ass, her date turns a certain shade of green then pukes into a pillow. Da Brat looks sickened and revokes his thug card. I have no idea how things went for Chris and Adrianne in the row boats because that, too, was edited out.
After everyone has made their rounds, the celebs and their dates reconvene in the living room where Cupid Ron is waiting. He tells the roomies that they now can offer their dates either an 8x10 of themselves or their home phone number. Verne chooses to give his bimbo date both the picture and his home number. Marcus also gives his date his number, which shocks me. Da Brat gives her date the boot, explaining that he is weak and a puker. Ron hands the dejected afroed man the 8x10. Chyna does the “don’t call me. I’ll call you spiel,” but I’m really not sure what she gave him as she explained that cupid did a perfect job of picking her date. Huh? Chris takes the photo and gets his date’s number, but I think it’s more to be nice than anything else. Adrianne takes her photo and number from Ron and turns to her date. She tells him that he is cool and she always digs the bad boy, but that her heart has been stolen by someone else. She hands her date the lousy 8x10. Chris is touched, thinking that was a sweet gesture from Adrianne.
All the dates leave and the roomies decide to crash around 2:30a.m. Around 4:30a.m., we see a drunk and seemingly drugged out Chyna in the weight room bouncing a basketball. She then takes tissue paper and wraps them around her face before going in and waking everyone in Adrianne’s room. Soon, she leaves their room and says she’s going to experiment. Chyna grabs the air pump and begins to add more and more air to the basketball… which she then bounces. Odd experiment. Odd lady.
Tune in next week where we see Chyna’s ex love, ex co-porn star and ex-live in boyfriend, Shawn, come to visit leaving the roommates upset and Chyna in tears.
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