I really think The Surreal Life could be a hit… if the editors would quit trying their damnedest to screw it up. For one, the tasks they make the celebs perform are lame. I mean, working on a dude ranch? Babysitting? Pitching ideas to VH1 execs? Seriously! Also, the fact that they chop up everything to force it to fit into a half hour doesn’t help anything either. Do you remember when MTV started The Real World and they just let the housemates go about their normal lives while we watched? That was fun. Good times. Then they screwed that up by forcing them to get jobs and participate in parades and all that crap. Well, The Surreal Life does not need to force the celebs to do things that might entertain us. Instead, just let them live their odd little lives while we watch. And provide alcohol. You didn’t need to send Verne to a ranch to get him to pee in a corner, did you? No. And that is the funniest thing that has happened all season.
This week begins with Chris working out – believing that his red and yellow outfit matches. He grunts loudly with each lift of the weights, getting the attention of all the other roomies. Nearby, Adrianne is stretched out on the floor, wearing a sports bra and teeny shorts that ride up a bit. Chris attempts to look like he isn’t looking at her, but lets us know that he believes her to be one of the most beautiful women he has ever seen.
Later, The Surreal Times arrives announcing today’s lame stunt – pitching television show ideas to the execs at VH1. All I can think is that VH1 has finally run out of stupid ideas of their own. Apparently, Strange Love and Celebrity Fit Club (or whatever that show is called) have zapped them of all creativity, so they are leaving it to the… pros? Anyway, all the roomies, sans Da Brat, sit together at a table poolside and toss out really bad ideas for new shows. Da Brat is inside alone, taking the task very seriously. Here’s how I see it… she wouldn’t be trying to win the contest of getting her show picked and put on the air if she believed she had any sort of music career left whatsoever.
After many ideas get passed around, Verne and Marcus decide to team up and Chyna Doll rushes inside to call her best friend/roommate/manager/partner in shameful makeup fiascoes, Missy. Chyna tells Missy to meet her at the VH1 corporate offices so they can finally pitch that great idea they have been discussing (while doing tons and tons of meth amphetamine) to the execs. The gang all piles into the van and heads to the office, where they are met by Missy. She is a hyper, plastic surgery advocate with big fake boobs, big fake lips and just a hint of a speed addiction. In other words, she is running around the place, talking a mile a minute, annoying everyone but her biggest fan, Chyna.
After a while, an admin walks in and asks GoGo Jane to join the execs to present her idea. The corseted Jane walks in and sits at the far end of a rectangular conference table, about two light years from the execs. They ask her to tell them about her show and she says, “I live in the woods in a 600 square foot log cabin. I’m a real Jane of the Jungle.” I’m thinking more like a former Go-Go, present day fetish ball fan favorite with an affinity for the unibomber. She tells the execs that she wants to do a show called Monkey Mountain, where she would live in her cabin with a bunch of monkeys. All of the execs have that “WTF are you talking about?” look on their faces, when one asks, “And how is this VH1 related?” Jane answers, “I’m a rock star.” NEXT!
Chris comes into the conference room next. He clearly does not care about this task and when asked about his idea, he says, “Celebrity Chariot Racing.” They ask him to explain and he says that celebs will compete in games like Gladiator that will bring them to the brink of death. Oh yes… I think the world would be a better place without the likes of Gilbert Godfried and Carrot Top. Let’s have them be the first to compete!! NEXT!
Marcus and Verne head in to pitch their idea next. Marcus sums up his idea as an award show for anything. Even the news. And bloopers. And for that guy on the street blowing his nose. Let’s just give everyone an award! Verne nods and grins grimly. NEXT!
Da Brat comes in with her pen and paper and pitches a show she calls “Brutally Honest.” She will be the host and will tell anyone that will listen how she really feels about them, their look, their ideas, their voice, their momma. The male third of the exec panel says, “You’ll tell anyone anything you think? With brutal honesty?” Da Brat nods. The man says, “Tell me something about me then. With brutal honesty.” Da Brat says what she clearly has been thinking since she first laid eyes on this Mo – “One of your ears is WAY bigger than the other one. Maybe with some surgery or something they can fix that.” The man looks shocked and says, “NEXT!”
Next in is Adrianne who tells the execs that her show will be called “Beauty and the Brady.” The premise will be that she will be locked in a house with Christopher Knight and will have 2 weeks to make him fall in love with her and propose. After the initial shock of this wears off, the male exec says, “Um… why can’t you just do that now?” Adrianne replies, “I can, but if you offer me a show, I can hold off for awhile.” NEXT!
Last team to pitch their idea are the pill popping plastics, Missy and Chyna. They storm into the room and crawl on the table, crawl on the execs, crawl on the floor, all the while saying things like, “Maneater. We eat men. Revenge. Practical jokes on evil loser men. Grrrrrr.” Uh huh. After a few minutes they leave as quickly and abruptly as they arrived. The execs feel like they have just witnessed a hurricane first hand.
Back at the house, all the roomies wait to hear back from VH1 about who won and whose show will be worked up. The call finally comes and the male exec starts knocking down the celebs ideas left and right. First up is Jane who receives a resounding NO. Marcus and Verne are told they came in and pitched an incomplete idea – and a bad idea at that. Chyna gets a “Your idea was all over the place and you and Missy wigged us out.” Chris – a NO. The guy gets to Adrianne and humiliates her when he reveals a bit of her idea to all the others when he says, “Adrianne, you’re going to have to find another way to marry a Brady. That’s something you’ll have to figure out on your own.” She blushes and covers her face with her hands while all the other housemates try to force her exact idea out of her. After awhile, she gets up and goes into the kitchen. Last left without a no is Da Brat, to whom it is revealed that she will get the opportunity to make “Brutally Honest” a reality as a reality show on VH1. She is excited, but only shows it inside…where it counts.
Soon after Adrianne had departed, Chris heads into the kitchen and says to Adrianne that he thinks they should talk. Adrianne tells him about her pitch to VH1 and is upset and hurt when he laughs at her idea. Chris says he cannot figure out what Adrianne’s motive is, but wishes she would drop the whole act. Adrianne is almost in tears that the man she loves does not take her seriously. I am freakin out that she is behaving this way after knowing the guy for what? A week?!!! Adrianne says that she is going to drink herself into an oblivion so she can forget her feelings for Chris. She starts downing the booze a la Chyna style, and later in the evening challenges Chyna to a wrestling match.
Seeing an opportunity to practice her new spot as a brutally honest host, Da Brat grabs the karaoke machine and turns on the mic. Talking to an imaginary audience, Da Brat explains ghetto style that Adrianne is into Chris because he is a hottie. Chris takes the mic and says that he thinks Adrianne is beautiful, but he is unsure of her motives. Adrianne grabs the mic and says that Chris needs to accept her for who she is or he can take a hike. With that, she tosses down the mic and heads into the bathroom to bawl her eyes out. Seriously, it has been one week! She is acting as if he decided to dump her after their year long relationship went sour. Oh well, at least she will have Chyna to comfort her with a yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
Questions? Comments? Ideas on why Adrianne has wigged out so completely? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Adios!