Previously on The Surreal Life, Adrianne branded a baby cow for the pleasure of a steak and succulent lobster dinner, Verne rode off into the sunset on his scooter when he found that his hips weren’t wide enough to straddle a saddle, and Chyna revealed that a few months earlier she tried to end her life. The revelation was a downer, but the self disclosure created a tight bond between the roomies.
The sun is rising over the campsite and all of the surreal lifers are waking up and peeking out of their tents. Scattered throughout the camp are empty liquor bottles – leftovers from the prior day’s lack of anything better to do after 5:00p.m. Standing out in the early morning chill is Verne complaining about his shriveling balls. From the plush tent, out comes Adrianne, then Jane, then from the bottom of the doorway, out peeks the head of Chris, who had sandwiched himself into the plush tent because of its space heater.
The Surreal Times arrives with a picture of Adrianne on the cover, and the byline “Adrianne: America’s Next Top Cowboy.” Basically, the paper told the gang to get their junk together and head back to the gaudy mansion. Da Brat suggests cleaning up the camp instead of leaving it a wreck for someone else to pick up. They take down the tents and fold their sleeping bags. All the while, Verne sits on his teeny little ass doing nothing. Actually his teeny little ass was perched on a log, earning him the name “Bump On A Log” from Da Brat.
Once the gang gets back home, they walk in together to find a day spa set up in their living room. Everyone is very excited until the male masseuse introduces himself as “Master” – a term not used loosely in GoGo Jane’s S&M world. The master has them all sit cross legged in front of him, doing that yoga “ohm” pose. Away from the group, Da Brat is sitting in the corner, annoyed with the mediation before the massage. When the meditation lasts too long, Da Brat gets up and foregoes the massage altogether, leaving the others to ohm on their own. The master tells them to relax and release all of their tension. At that moment, in the quiet of the room, Chris lets out a resounding fart. The group burst out in laughter and Adrianne awards it as the “most perfectly timed fart ever.”
After every gets past their giggling, one by one the roomies are escorted to a table. I see some of them getting actual rub downs, but many of them are with massage therapists who are either wafting their hands over their bodies without actually touching them OR they are humming at them, holding notes for a long time as they touch certain areas of the celebs’ bodies. Apparently this is called a tonal massage, and the houseguests claim that it is annoying and odd until it is your turn… then apparently, it is amazingly relaxing.
As one of the women massage therapists is performing a tonal massage on Chris, he describes it as being hummed at. The cameramen ran with that as they managed to capture on film the massage therapist kneeling in front of Chris, humming. And he did indeed look very relaxed.
When it is Verne’s turn for the hummer, he looks skeptical, not believing this will be of any benefit to him. However, as the woman stands over him, holding her note, he reaches over, takes her hand and pulls it to his chest, then begins to cry. She tells him it is ok to cry and he responds, “That was beautiful.” She says, “It was beautiful.” Odd couple here. You know, I don’t think Verne was crying because she had a lovely voice, but rather because he is lonely. Though the group tries to include him, the fact that he is a little person really limits him and isolates him. And I think even when people try to include Verne, he still feels alone. This woman touched him and made him feel good for a moment – without the hummer – and that made him sad. OR… I could be overanalyzing this and she could have just had a beautiful voice. Whatever.
With the spa all packed up, the roomies are walking around with nothing to do, clearly bored. Adrianne, Chyna and Da Brat head to the hot tub – though Da Brat doesn’t get in. Adrianne starts going on and on about how she is in love with Chris. Da Brat says, “What about Marcus?” and Adrianne replies, “Marcus is the obvious choice. If I were looking to just bang someone, well Marcus is beautiful and definitely bangable. But if I am looking for love and a relationship, Chris has my heart. He’s just such a cutie pie.” Hearing that, Da Brat jumps up and runs inside yelling, “Chriiiiii-iiiiiiiis….” Once she finds him, she begins giving him the third degree about whether or not he is currently in a serious relationship or has a girlfriend and if he has any age requirements for the women he dates. Here’s the scoop – hottie Chris is dating, but not anyone exclusively and he was never one to discriminate according to age. So there you go, Adrianne. You have jumped the first two hurdles.
Later, sitting poolside are Marcus and Chyna. Clearly at a loss for what to do, Marcus asks Chyna to do her Chewbacca impression again. Odd request, but she does it… twice. Not bad. After everyone’s boredom has peaked, the group is given the opportunity to go out – to a strip club. Verne is already in bed when Chris goes in to tell him to get up and come with everyone to the club. Verne refuses and gives Chris a lecture on sleeping. I have to admit, I am surprised that Verne didn’t jump on the chance to possibly feel up another naked lady – and have to say I am disappointed that since the premiere episode, we have not gotten to witness another drunk and naked mini me incident. I guess tonight we will be denied this pleasure once again.
At the strip club, which Adrianne refers to as “seedy” (despite the fact that all the “strippers” are less than “stripped.” In fact, they are wearing swimsuits.) – three of the dancers glom on to Chris and pull him up on stage for a dance. Throughout their routine, Adrianne continually yells out to him that if he gets any sort of arousal, she is the girl to take care of it. She admits in confessional that she is jealous of all the attention Chris is getting from the other ladies – and that she wants to be the one dancing for him.
Chyna has her eyes set on another roomie. She and Marcus have separated from the group and are off playing pool. He confesses that he really likes her and thinks that she has a good heart. She confesses that she wants to jump his bones. When the sexual tension gets too high, Chyna ends up giving GoGo Jane a lap dance. Weird selection, but maybe when she gets drunk, her true attraction comes out and she actually likes Jane better than Marcus… Nah. He is so pretty he could turn a lesbian’s head. Sorry lesbians, but seriously. He’s hot.
Feeling frustrated herself, Adrianne borrows 2 bucks from Chris to complete the $20 she needs to get herself a lapdance. In a private booth, a hot stripper grinds on Adrianne while Chris watches with fascination. He admits that he knows Adrianne is feeling something for him, but he isn’t sure if it is a school girl crush or something more. Regardless, he wants to get to know her better and find out. And Adrianne has a clumsy way of hitting on Chris. She throws her arms around him, kisses him on the cheek, then says, “So, when those girls were dancing for you, did you get wood?” We are not privy to the answer, but we do get to see Adrianne jump on stage and do a little dance for Chris, who is sitting nearby. She swings from the bowl, then ends up kind of humping the ground. Chris says if the model thing doesn’t work out, maybe she should look into stripping. Good times.
Adrianne’s pole dance ends. Marcus and Chyna finish their pool game. Chris and Jane have achieved boredom again (while Da Brat is nowhere to be seen), so the gang all leaves. Back at the mansion, everyone goes to bed except for Chyna and Adrianne, who head outside for some naked hot tub time and two bottles of champagne. Adrianne admits that she has a habit for falling for men that are not interested in her, and believes that Chris is not interested either. She drowns her sorrows in alcohol, then heads inside and writes on the surreal life grocery list: “Needed, Chris naked in my bed.” Now any confusion Chris may have had about Adrianne’s feelings should be pretty much cleared up by now.
Tune in next week for what appears to be another episode. I would love to say another “great” episode, but only the premiere deserves that sort of praise. Granted, this week was not too shabby. Here’s hoping for more nights of drunk Mini-me and more Brady chasing to round out the season! See ya next time! firstname.lastname@example.org