The Surreal Life 1/23: Pseudo Celebs In "City Slickers"
Welcome back for another fab ab filled episode of The Surreal Life. It is bright and early on the third morning of the show and first up in the house is Go-Go Jane, who wanders from room to room waking up all of her roommates. Soon everyone is up but Verne. Chyna gets on the house PA system (I say that as if it is common to have a PA system in your house) and beckons the sleepy Mini-me to get up and get in the kitchen to join the rest of the group for the daily reading of The Surreal Times. Da Brat has picked up the paper and reads to the group that they have fifteen minutes to get ready and get packed because they are going CAMPING. No one seems especially hip on the idea, but most disappointed with the venture is Verne, who clears up his feelings on the subject by saying, “I hate camping.” Good to know.
Everyone packs and piles into the van, where sleepy Verne naps all the way to the ranch. Upon their arrival, they are met by a group of cowboys and one cowgirl dressed in their best western wear, leaning against a split rail fence, chewing on pieces of straw, anxiously awaiting their turn to ride the bull. Ok, kidding. But there are people decked out in boots and chaps waiting for them… and the men in tight wranglers have particularly riled up the women. And Chyna. The cowboys point the group to a table where hats, boots, chaps and western shirts have been laid out for everyone. Most adorn the attire with no problem, but Verne plops the ten gallon hat on his head and poo-poos the rest of the regalia. The best part of this scene is where Chris and Marcus take off their shirts again to put on their snazzy new snap front shirts. I want to send a personal letter to Chris thanking him for his dedication to his abs. And Marcus, you're no slouch either. Hubba Hubba.
After dressing the part, the ranch hands expect the group to act the part and give them chores, such as moving and stacking hay and feeding the animals. For most of the surreal lifers, it takes two people to move one bale of hay. However, Chyna is able to pick up and haul the hay all by herself, barely breaking a sweat. Seriously, stop the steroids. Be a girl if that is the gender you so choose to be.
Afterwards, each of the group picks a horse and hops on. Verne stares longingly at the group from his scooter. One of the cowboys says, “Don’t worry, Verne. We’ve got a pony for you.” The camera pans to a little pony -compared to the rest of the horses - but a big beast compared to teeny Verne. He says he will give it a try, but once he is up on the pony, it is clear he will not be able to ride, as his legs are spread so wide it is as if he is doing the center splits in his saddle. One of the cowboys picks him up and puts him in front of him on his saddle instead, but again there is a splits issue. They help Verne down and he hops back up on his scooter and the rest of the group moseys on down the trail. Verne turns and scooters back to the ranch house, his head hung in utter defeat.
After a bit of a ride, the gang gets their next “chore.” They have to round up the cattle. Surprisingly, though only Jane has much horseback experience, the group is able to round up the cows pretty quickly and move on to the final venture – branding a calf.
One of the cowboys announces to the group, “You will all be having franks and beans for dinner.” As if thinking these pseudo celebs might not know what franks and beans are, he further explains, “That’s beans and hot dogs.” Chyna lets out a “Whooooooooooooooohooooooooooo oo!” really loudly, then looks around at the rest of the group as if they are insane for not applauding their impending beanie weenie dinner. The cowboy breaks in, “However, if one of you brands this calf, you will all get steak and lobster.” Before he has completed the word “lobster” Adrianne throws a hand in the air and says, “I’ll do it. I’m not eating beans. I don’t eat beans.” Go-Go Jane is visibly upset and storms to the van. On the verge of tears she says, “I’m not hurting a poor defenseless baby cow!” No Jane, you’re not. Adrianne is.
The cowboys wrangle the poor little calf and drag it over near the fire, where the branding iron is resting in the hot embers. Adrianne picks up the iron and brands the calf, holding the iron in place for about two seconds. She seems pretty pleased with herself and even bends over, aiming her ass at Chris, when he offers to brand her as well. After, she kneels down and pets the calf, giving him a kiss on the nose and apologizing. I feel sorry for the calf, too. Don't get me wrong and start sending me animal activist emails like I got after I didn't think Flavor Flav needed to go to prison for being mean to the puppy last season. Though I personally could not have branded the cow, I also am rational enough to understand that calf was getting branded whether Adrianne did it or not. So whatever.
The cowboys tell the group that it is time to go, but that someone needs to go get Jane out of the van. Adrianne, not realizing that Jane had been that upset, heads to the van to try and fix things. She explains to Jane that the calf was going to get branded regardless of whether one of them did it. Jane yells back, “I KNOW that! I’m not stupid!!” Adrianne tells her, “I never would have done it had I known it would upset you this much.” She apologizes, they hug and head back over to the rest of the group. They all hop up on their horses and head back to Verne and their campsite for the night.
On their way to the campsite, they all see bear tracks. When they finally reach Verne, the first thing Marcus says is, “Hey Verne. We saw bear tracks!” Verne is not happy with this information, realizing he would be the appetizer for any bear hanging around the campsite. Once Marcus assures him that any bear would have to get through him to eat Verne, everything is all better. The cowboy announces that calf branding Adrianne is cowpoke of the day, and tells her that she will be sleeping in the plush tent and she can pick anyone to share it with her. I’m thinking, “PERFECT OPPORTUNITY!! PICK CHRIS! PICK CHRIS!!” but she doesn’t. Rather, Adrianne picks Go-Go Jane to join her in the tent to make up for hurting her earlier.
With steak and lobster on the grill, the roomies all sit around the campfire and get to know each other better – as they all get pretty drunk. Jane reveals to Verne that most of the time he’s a pretty nice guy, but then other times he acts like a complete loser – but she loves him all the same. Jumping on the honesty bandwagon, Da Brat tells Chyna that her makeup is absolutely appalling and she looks like crap – but that underneath all that ugly makeup is a really beautiful woman. This insult to affirmation technique gets to Chyna and she begins to cry a little. I think it is happy tears for being called beautiful. This starts the revelation wheel rolling as Chyna reveals that she has no friends, no family, no one to love and just six months earlier, she downed a bottle of pills in a suicide attempt. Wow. Talk about a buzz kill. The group sobers quickly and surround her for a group hug. There will be no suicide attempts on their watch.
Tune in next week for what looks like a much more promising episode of The Surreal Life when Adrianne reveals that she’s got a crush on a Brady!
Questions? Comments? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
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Amen! If they spent the rest of the show just showing them shirtless, I'd be very happy.
Originally Posted by sher
Another ab fab recap, sher.
just adding to the abs....Adrianne has some mean ones on her too!
Chyna lifting the hay was scary.
Good god, she has bigger arms than any guy I know.
Great recap, Sher. I'm still not sure I understand the "point" of this show, but it is pretty amusing at times!
Great recap Kudos to Adrianne for doing the dirty work with the cowboys
Awesome recap, Sher.
Rave For Life
I really Think Surreal Life has done Well (All the Seasons)! I mean At every Point you do enjoy something that happened on the show!
I really Love Adrianne Curry, It Just topped the season off for me!
Combat Missions Fan
Originally Posted by sher
Nice job, sher.
I missed the show again, but it doesn't feel like I've missed anything after I read your awesome recaps.
God Bless America!
I agree, Starkpurple! She's awesome!
Originally Posted by Starkpurple
Is that Adrianne in your avatar? I can't quite tell. She's so amazingly beautiful. Welcome to the group!
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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