The Surreal Life 1/16: A Surreal Let Down
Week one of The Surreal Life gave us a drunk and naked Mini-me peeing in a corner. We got to see a hot Brady standing next to a hot male model – shirtless… and a naked America’s Next Top Model served as a sushi platter. A former Go-Go revealed she was a perv while the he-she former wrestler, Chyna, bounced around in a bikini that covered most of her nipples half of the time. And Da Brat was there, too. Obviously the premiere episode of season 4 of The Surreal Life has set a standard so high that no subsequent episode is going to be able to satisfy us. Episode two was a huge let down and fell flat. On the other hand, Mini-me was able to stay upright the entire time. Darn.
It is morning in the Surreal house. When the gang gets together, they confront Verne about his drunken night. He has no recollection of getting naked. He has no recollection of getting on his scooter. He has no idea that he turned the corner of the weight room in to his own private urinal. His reaction to the news? He says, “Sweet.” Wow. If I were there, I would hand the man a bottle of disinfectant and a scrub brush and tell him to get his “sweet” ass into the weight room to clean the “toilet.” When Jane hears about Verne’s nakedness from the night before, she asks the obvious question, “So how big is it?” Before De Brat is able to make the teeny little gesture with her thumb and forefinger again, Verne pipes in, “As big as your foot, woman. Is that big enough for you?” I guess size is relative - or Jane has itsy bitsy feet.
The Surreal Times arrives and is fetched from the front doorstep by Adrianne. She reads that the celebs will be playing daycare to a group of 10 kids. For each kid they are able to keep happy and in the house for the full four hours that the daycare ran, they will be given $100 to donate to the charity of their choice. So, 10 happy kids who don’t beg to go home or ask for their mommies for 4 hours equals $1,000 to charity. Adrianne is psyched! Da Brat is annoyed. Verne is worried that he will scare the children. Apparently many kids who have never been around little people freak out when they first see them. Poor kids and poor Verne.
One by one the kids arrive. Standing at the door, the children are wearing little chalkboards around their necks that say their name and something about them. For instance, the board will say, “Amy. I need frequent potty breaks.” Now, there wasn’t really an Amy on the show, but I did not take the time to write down each of these kids’ names and their traits. I do know one needed frequent potty breaks, though. And one warned not to make her sad, as she cries easily. One was scared of the dark. Yeah, that’s about all I remember. The meet and greet crew included Adrianne, Chris and Marcus. Verne was sitting on his scooter in the corner. Chyna came in soon after, but Da Brat and Jane took their time getting ready this morning so as to avoid the kids for as long as possible.
Did I mention that Adrianne was excited about this assignment? She loves kids and clearly enjoyed playing with them… but. Adrianne is one of those people that takes on all the responsibility for some reason. When something would go wrong, she would freak out and say that everyone is going to blame her and it is all her fault. When things needed to be done, she would instantly go grab the child that needed something and do what needed to be done. As Chris pointed out, “She needs to relax.” Chyna pointed out that Adrianne was doing all of this for show. Oh Chyna… we’ll be talking about your “show” later, love. Anyway, Adrianne was overdoing it, overreacting and basically annoying a lot of her roommates.
Finally, Jane joined in on the “fun.” She found some of the kids going through her makeup and decided to help them out with it by drawing whiskers on each of them who wanted to be a tiger for the afternoon. In the other room, Da Brat had finally picked up a kid – a little red haired snot nosed (literally) kid who walked in the door and began saying, “Oompah” over and over and over again. Da Brat kneeled down and looked him in the face, trying to decipher this “Oompah” talk. Right then, when she was nose to nose with the snot nosed kid, he began to cough – wretchedly – right in her face. I would have freaked out. She just looked repulsed. Now, I don’t know why, but Da Brat assumed that this little kid was saying “Oompah” because he wanted his “Grandpa.” I naturally assumed that this little kid was saying “Oompah” because he had seen Verne on his scooter. No one else seemed to make that connection though, so maybe I am wrong. Anyway, a possessed Adrianne scoops up the crying Oompah repeating kid and took him to the telephone room where she called his dad – who she called Oompah – to come pick him up. At the door, when she returned the boy, she again called the man “Oompah.” I bet he was thinking, “What’s this weirdo’s problem?”
As one little girl and her brother arrived, they walked into the kitchen. When the girl saw Verne, as he predicted, she began to cry… and cry… and cry. She clung to Adrianne, who tried to calm her unsuccessfully. After about an hour of crying, Adrianne was forced to call her mom, who came to pick up her and her perfectly content brother. So far, after about an hour, the group is down to 7 kids – one per adult is the way I see it. Granted, that’s not the case since Verne and Da Brat are doing everything in their power not to participate in the daycare.
After everyone has been painted by Jane, her next way to entertain the kids includes giving them as much sugar as they want and letting them jump up and down on the couches – which, of course, ends badly. One little boy manages to slam his face on the ottoman as he jumps on the furniture and begins screaming bloody murder. Mama Adrianne scoops him up and runs him to the telephone room where she calls his mom. Four kids gone. Down to six.
The remaining time is spent with the children circling a fearful Verne on his scooter. They surround him and scream at him as they throw a big green rubber ball at his head – which nearly knocks him from his seat. It is truly an odd site to watch these kids, who are almost twice Verne’s size, circle him and scream. So what does Verne do? Naturally, he screams back. And now I’m scared. The other roommates coax the screaming and taunting kids away from a defenseless Verne back into the living room, where they manage to reach the end of play time. The six remaining kids are picked up by their parents and the celebs look exhausted. Plus, the mansion is a MESS.
As the tired houseguests get up to clean the mess, Verne watches for a while, then turns his scooter to his room where he goes to sleep. The others are annoyed that he is not helping with the cleanup, but no one is particularly surprised. Finally, at 12:45 a.m., the weary cast goes to bed… except for Chyna. Remember where I mentioned above that Chyna puts on a little show of her own? Well, yeah. That happens tonight. After everyone is in bed, Chyna returns to her bikini and sunglasses, starts downing the booze and soda and jumping around on the furniture. She goes from room to room, yelling out each of her roommate’s names, trying to get them to wake up. Chyna jumps on Da Brat’s bed on to her bed on to Jane’s bed, all the while practicing her martial arts moves. From her bedroom where her roomies sleep, she starts yelling, “YO ADRIANNE!” over and over again. At five in the morning, Chyna says to the camera, “Only two more hours until bedtime.”
What a freak.
Tune in next week to watch the seven celebs head to a nearby dude ranch for some camping and horseback riding peppered with lots of bitching and moaning.
For questions, comments, the desire to complain about what a lame episode we watched this week, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org