It is over. It is done. It is finished. I am glad.
The final episode of season three of The Surreal Life opens as usual – Dave playing roller hockey on the tennis court, Jordan sleeping, Charo scarfing down a watermelon in the kitchen, (rather unusual – but we’ll go with it), and Brigitte naked and in bed with Flavor Flav. Ryan is also sleeping, but I find that better than her usual whining and bitching and proclaiming she is a rock star. Flav decides to get up and bang on the drums for awhile. Brig decides to join him as she bounces to the beat – naked and covered by only a comforter. Moments later, to the extreme pleasure of Flav, a groggy and pissed off Ryan scoots into their room and glares at Flav for banging on the drums. At 7:00 a.m. Each time Ryan tries to voice her displeasure, Flav bangs the drums harder. Eventually, realizing Flav was not going to stop the noise, a disgruntled Ryan goes back to her room. Flav is pleased that his “Operation Piss Off Ryan” was a success.
Brig is aware that Flav was hurt by Ryan’s comments during the Dirty Laundry segment. She knows that instead of trying to make things right with Ryan, that Flav is going to do everything in his power to make Ryan wish he were just the annoying dude from before, rather than the overtly obnoxious Flav he is now. Brig tries to convince Flav to apologize, but Flav (and I) wonders for what he needs to apologize. Ryan does not like him. No need to apologize for that.
The Surreal Times arrives and Dave picks it up to read to the others. I have to say, in season one, The Surreal Times was like a real mini newspaper. During season two, it was like a glossy magazine. This season, it looks like a piece of construction paper with stuff glued to it. Seriously, very cheaply made – kind of like this show. The headline of the paper reads, “The Last Supper. Cast to Break Bread for the Last Time.” The look in Ryan’s eyes says, “Thank God.”
After reading the paper to the group, Dave heads to the phone room to call his son, Luc. Dave tells his son that he will be home by noon the next day. Luc says, “Are you bringing the puppy?” Dave says yes, that the pup will be coming home with him. Luc is excited and asks what the pup’s name is? Instead of saying, “Cuchi Fatso Boogie Buster Bosco,” Dave tells him that it has yet to be decided. Luc says that maybe they can call him Winger. Hair bands from the 80s fill my head with sounds of songs like, “She’s Only 17.” Those were the days… Flav tells Dave that Winger is a corny name and that Bosco’s name is Bosco. Dave says that Luc also thought about calling the pup “Heckler.” Again, Flav insults the kid’s decision and tells Dave he would like to talk to Luc and convince him that Bosco is his name, and the other choices are stupid. Dave explains that his son should be the one to decide what he calls his puppy. Ryan reminds Dave that Flav’s a jerk and Winger is wonderful.
Meanwhile, Flav has headed outside to burn the hell out of some ribs for dinner. As he flips the ribs and sees them charred black, he yells to Charo that the grill burned his ribs. The grill did it. Damn grill. Charo assures him that his very burned ribs would be just fine, but what wouldn’t be fine is his relationship with Ryan if he does not set out to make it right. At that statement, Flav turns to Charo and says what all of us have been thinking, “Ryan isn’t even a has been. She is a never was. She’s a wannabe. She is spoiled and has a HUGE ego for someone who gained a minute and a half of fame for being on “American Idol” – a show she didn’t even win!” And there you go.
As the evening gets later, Ryan, Charo and Brig head in to get ready for dinner. Charo is now trying to convince Ryan that Flav is a good man. Ryan gets up and walks to the bathroom saying, “Yeah, he’s a nice guy. I’m not mad at him.” Charo says comically, “Do not interrupt me when I’m talking to you. You listen to me!” and she throws a towel at Ryan, hitting her in the head. Ryan comes back and splashes a water bottle at Charo, getting her wet. And the natural progression of this little girlie fight? You got it. Pillow fight! Sheesh. Charo and Ryan both attack Brig, who stands up and pins Charo on the bed until she gives her a little “Cuchi Cuchi.” After the “battle,” the women head to the rest room and sing and dance as they get ready together.
At dinner time, the group heads into the dining room to find the table covered in pictures from their 12 day stay in the house. There are pics of Ryan and Charo at the talent show and pics of Flav and Brig in their pin stripes and more and more and more pictures. Everyone is there – but Flav. And the group seems to be having a good time just reminiscing. Once everyone realizes that Ryan is happy and the room is quieter than normal, Dave says, “Where’s Flav?” As if on cue, Flav jumps from the hall into the living room wearing what looks like really ugly pajamas, screaming out his normal, “Denny Crane!” Oh, wait… I mean, “FlavAFlav!” He grabs a fork and begins shoveling food in his mouth and picking up things with his hands and essentially behaving like an undisciplined 2 year old. It is clear that he is trying to get a rise out of Ryan; however, all he is succeeding in doing is pissing off everyone in the group.
Brig tries to calm Flav down, but he will not be contained. The more she tells him to behave, the more obnoxious he becomes. Ryan is rolling her eyes at anyone who will look, Jordan and Dave are staring at Flav, just waiting to see what he will do next, Charo is staring at her plate and Brig has put on her shades and lit a ciggie. Finally, Charo tells Brig to lay off on Flav and just let him behave however he likes – that it is there last supper together and she wants to enjoy herself. With that, Dave tells Flav to shut up for awhile, to which Flav responds, “I quit. I quit.” Everyone is surprised that he has finally given in, so while he sits in utter silence, they all sit and stare. Just like any kid with ADD, after a couple of minutes, Flav cannot hold it in any longer and yells out his name. Freakin’ moron. Granted, the group is now laughing and relaxed. A cake is brought out for the group. It is made in the shape of a big gray album and says congrats on the surreal cast’s first recording. As the group looks over the cake, Dave takes a finger full of frosting and wipes it on Ryan’s nose. Ryan, disregarding the fact that one of the others might want cake, proceeds to grab great gobs of the cake and toss it at everyone. What is it with the young girls jacking up the cake on the last night? Trishelle did the exact same thing last season. Losers, I tell you!!
The night ends with Flav and Brig in the hot tub. She is topless, of course, and he is really really little. Like a pack of Certs. Hey, he said it first. They bicker back and forth for awhile with Brig saying she likes William and hates the gold teeth and Flav saying, “Yo G, you gotta accept me for me.” She says okay and asks the teeny little man to hold her. It was freaky. As she tries to settle comfortably on his shoulder as he holds her, she somewhat resembles the elephant man.
The final paper arrives on the doorstep the following morning. The headline reads, “So Long. Fareewell. Auf Wiedersehen, Get Out!"
Jordan walks into Flav’s room at 4:30 a.m. to tell him goodbye. From the looks of it, Flav is the only houseguest that Jordan told goodbye. Flav jumps out of bed and walks Jordan out. As they hug goodbye with “Yo I love you, G”s all around, I notice that Flav is wearing enormous pink slippers. A man in big slippers – he is redeemed in my eyes.
Later that morning, Flav and Ryan walk Charo to her awaiting limo. As she climbs in, she yells, “Don’t fight!” telling the camera that the world needs characters like Flavor Flav. Next to leave is Ryan, who gives hugs all around – even to Flav – and as she gets in the limo she says that she is spent, but feels like the luckiest girl in the world for having the opportunity to spend time with 5 such talented people. Brig leaves next, saying she is sad to go and wishes they all had one more week together. With only two remaining, Flav grabs Dave and hugs him saying, “You know what we got left?” Then he yells, “Dave-&-Flav!!!” Dave then puts Flav in a limo and notes that the house is now so much quieter. Flav tells the camera as he departs, that his time in the house was “Mackadoches!” Whatever.
Dave walks from room to room and turns off the lights. As he departs the house to go to the limo, he leaves the front door wide open. The pup stands at the open doorway, trying to decide whether he should stay or go. After a moment alone, he runs as fast as he can to Dave, who picks him up and laughs. As the limo pulls away, Dave says to the pup, “Say goodbye, Winger.”
And there you have it, folks. Another season of The Surreal Life over and out.
For questions, comments, suggestions for the pup’s name, feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org