You have no idea how badly I want to yada yada through this recap. Seriously, you show me a preview with all of the cast members’ eyes wide and mouths’ agape, with Ryannoying Starr saying, “Oh my God!” and I expect to see something gasp worthy. But Noooooooooooooo. Nope. Nuh uh. I get schmotz. But let me tell you about the episode nevertheless because that’s my job. It’s what I do.
This week’s episode opens with Flavor Flav and Dave Coulier meeting in the kitchen, greeting each other with a big manly hug. Flav is talking about how great it is to have formed such a familial relationship with all of the other houseguests in such a short amount of time. He then tells Dave that Charo, Jordan and Ryan are up, but Brigitte is still sleeping… in his bed. Dave lets out an “OOOooohhhhhh! So that’s what has been going on out there!” Clearly this show has been edited out of sequence since we saw Brig crawl into Flav’s bed a few weeks ago.
Ryan heads to the front door and finds The Surreal Times on the front step. She joins the others and reads the headline, “Entire Cast Gets Shot.” Flav sits up a bit straighter and looks nervous, recalling all the times in the past that he was the target of various drive bys. The roomies calm him down by making the universal sign for camera and putting their hands in front of their faces and mashing down on the imaginary button. Once Flav rejoins the relaxed, Ryan continues reading that everyone is supposed to wear something that accurately portrays their personalities. Now I sit up straighter and look nervous as I recall all the times in the past that Brig was naked – and dancing. Brig gets up and says she is going to go take a shower. Flav yells out, “Yo G, can I come?” She does not answer, but Dave says, “I’m sure you can.”
When trying to decide what to wear for the picture by what the paper says is “A famous national photo studio,” Flav says that he likes everything about Brig – her personality, her looks, the way she throws him down and says, “Get in my bed!” However, he knows that there are things that Brig does not like about him. For instance, she hates his clocks, his gold teeth, his horn hat… yada yada. So for today’s photo shoot, and to impress Brig, Flav decides that he is not going as Flavor FLAV, but rather as William Drayton. Who is this William Drayton, you ask? Well, that is Flav’s real name. You didn’t think his mama put Flavor Flav on his birth certificate, did you? Surely not. Flav continues that William Drayton is the man behind the Flav, so he needs to hit the mall and buy a suit and tie… so he can be William Drayton. Uh… yeah.
The group piles into the van and heads for what Ryan calls “the ghetto mall.” On their way, Flav says, “See, William Drayton knows how to speak proper.” William, the correct use of the word is “properLY.” I figure as long as you are going for correct English, you might as well know how to properLY use an adverb. Upon reaching the mall, Flav heads into the little boys’ section of what looks like a Men’s Wearhouse and asks for William Drayton clothes… which I guess means a pinstriped suit and a gold tie, because that is what he gets so he can match Brig’s pinstriped suit. While William Flav is getting his suit, Ryan rolls her eyes and says that she does not see any freakin’ difference between Flav and this William dude. He is still loud and obnoxious. Brig does not agree. She likes Flav, but loves William, proclaiming that he is marriage material. Ick.
After William gets all dressed up, the group heads for this famous photography studio… which is in the mall. It is called Photo Perfections and is just like that other famous photography studio that you know and love – Glamour Shots. They even have all the outfits to choose through for your photos. Flav could have skipped the suit store and just rummaged through this place for a suit and tie. But that’s neither here nor there. Yada yada.
Ryan says that the entire group should wear black hats. Everyone grabs a hat, except for Flav, who after trying on various white hats with flowers, chooses to go bareheaded, because he just wants to be William, yo. The group sits down together and poses. Even Fatso Cuchi Bosco made the trip and Ryan holds him in her arms for the shots. The photographer takes several shots of the group and a couple of William and Brig alone. They all leave and head back to the mansion for what they believe is another lazy day.
However… yada yada.
No, really… however, upon arriving home, they find that the house is full of people waiting for them downstairs. Apparently Sally Jesse Raphael has arrived and is ready to begin this afternoon’s talk show, “Dirty Laundry.” All of the roommates bitch and moan about having to partake in this lame talk show with that scary old washed up SJR. Except for William Drake, who is searching for the nearest phone booth so he can put on his regular ole’ cape and tights to once again become his superhero alter ego – Flavor Flav.
One by one, the pseudocelebs are introduced and run on stage to great Sally with Hollywood hugs and kisses. Once everyone is seated, Sally jumps right in and asks Flav how everyone is getting along. Flav says he loves them all like family. Ryan nods in agreement and says that there are of course times when everyone gets on everyone else’s nerves, but that they all like each other and get along great. Sally raises an eyebrow and says with suspicion, “Are you sure you get along with everyone?” Everyone turns to look at the TV monitor to see clips of Ryan hating Flav, saying he is a perv and a loser and that she hates him and he is totally gross. Flav’s eyes are wider than normal. He is obviously oblivious to the fact that Ryan loathes him. Ryan quickly pipes in that the reason for her talking smack about Flav all rests in the fact that he asked her about her sexuality (or lack thereof) on date night. After Flav has been sufficiently insulted, he says, “Ryan, if I got in bed with you, it would be the luckiest day of your life.” Eww… no it wouldn’t.
Brig says she loves William and likes to hug, cuddle and kiss him. They show clips of Brig and Flav getting all up on each other in her bed, in his bed, on the couch, in the pool, ending with a clip of Brig and Flav decked out in clown regalia on talent show night. Flav says to Brig, “G, I don’t think the world is ready for us.” Oh right you are, Flav. After the clips, Brig throws in the fact that they slept together the previous night. She is SUCH a ho! Flav says she crawled into his single bed, but there was room because he is no bigger “than a pack of Certs.” Yes, you heard me right. Flav said on national television that he is the size of a pack of Certs. And I don’t know about you, but a pack of Certs could not please any woman – especially big ole’ whorry Brig. After a long awkward pause, Sally asks Flav what is the size of a pack of Certs. Flav gets embarrassed realizing that now everyone thinks he is packing a preemie in his pants.
After rubbing in Flav’s faux pas, Sally asks if Flav likes everyone in the house. He claims that not only does he love all of his roommates, but he loves everyone in the room and everyone watching, because he is just that nice of a guy. Sally says, “I know someone you don’t love.” Everyone turns to watch the monitor and Sally gives a disclaimer, “What you are about to see might offend and sicken you. You were warned.” The monitor shows cutie Bosco taking a dump on the floor. Charo picks up the dog but leaves his doo on the floor. Flav tells her it is gross and needs to be cleaned up. Charo pretends she does not speak English. A few moments later, we see Flav dragging the doggie to his dump and showing him the mess. He swats Bosco on the bum a few times and says, “No. Bad dog.” Bosco yelps and runs away.
The camera moves to the panel of guests, and all of their eyes are wide and mouths are open, with Ryannoying Starr saying, “Oh my God!” Ugh. They got me all worked up over that?! Now, I do not think that is the proper way to train a puppy, and like anyone else, I don’t want to watch Flav popping the puppy when he screws up, but I do not think it’s the end of the world. Apparently Ryan does. She wants to get up and punch Flav. Ryan, violence does not solve anything. Heh. She’s so stupid. Flav says he is sorry and that he would never treat another living thing like that as long as he lives. And there you go.
Bored with Flav and her puppy shenanigans, Sally turns her attention to Jordan, asking everyone who the most withdrawn member of the house is. All the others point at Jordan and we see clips of him stacking boxes in front of his door and basically sleeping and being antisocial. He explains that his management pressured into prostituting himself on this show and that he was out of his comfort zone, but now, after a week, he is glad he did it. He gives hugs all around, but you can see in his eyes that he is counting the days till he gets to go home.
Tune in next week for another yada yada yada yada yada yada yada.
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