This episode of The Surreal Life aired one week too early. This dark and scary episode of “The Surreal Lifers and the Haunted Hospital” would have been perfect for Halloween night. But I do not work for VH1 and I am pretty sure they do not care what I think. Their loss. It would have been perfect…
This week’s show opens with the roommates doing their own things – Jordan is giving the elliptical machine a go, trying to work off some of his bloat before his “big” tour. Ryan is lounging in the pool. Flav is playing basketball and Charo is goofing around with the poor puppy, who they are clearly trying to make schizophrenic, as they have now changed his name from Cuchi to Fatso to Buster to Bosco. Inside Brig explains that she is going to do what she loves to do most – drink and smoke.
After hours of hanging around the house, Ryan finds a late edition of “The Surreal Times” at the front door. The headline reads “Surreal Life Covers the Graveyard Shift,” and the roommates assume they will be volunteering at a local hospital for the night. Dave tells the camera that he has spent a lot of his time volunteering at hospitals, but he is still not prepared for what might be expected of him this time. Oh little does he know…
That night everyone puts on pale green scrubs and heads toward the van. It is pitch black outside as the van pulls up to an old abandoned hospital. All of the windows have been boarded up and the place seems eerily quiet. Standing out front is Dr. Larry Montz. He is a parapsychologist and explains that tonight the group will be helping him determine if the old hospital is haunted. He explains that the hospital closed forty years ago and that the people that used to work there, and the community living nearby, all believe that ghosts haunt the building. The group all looks very scared and I swear I hear the faint sound of Flav’s gold teeth chattering in fright.
Now, I admit, when Dr. Montz appeared I figured him for some starving actor that VH1 hired for next to nothing to play a doctor of paranormal activity… so I googled him.
Yeah, if you want to read the rest, check out http://www.ispr.net/team/larry_bio.htmlLarry Montz, Ph.D., founded the International Society For Paranormal Research in 1972. With 31 years of professional field experience, Montz is recognized worldwide for developing and implementing the most innovative new concepts in parapsychological field work, rocking the foundations of Parapsychology, a science that was officially adopted into the Academy in 1964. Because of his own clairvoyant abilities, Montz became the first…
Ok, so he is not a phony as far as the paranormal world is concerned. He leads the group into the abandoned hospital and they all huddle closely together, clearly freaked out. I have to say, I am wigging out a bit myself. Stuff like this fascinates me and frightens me at the same time. As they reach what will serve as a sort of hub office, Charo says to the doctor that she is worried about communicating with the dead because even the living have a difficult time understanding her. Montz laughs and says that most of the communication is done telepathically, so her thick accent should be no problem. Charo’s first excuse has failed and you can see the wheels spinning while she tries to come up with a second excuse as to why she will not be participating.
The doctor asks Dave to be the first to investigate. At this point, Dave does not seem too terribly worried. He believes he has been a part of some paranormal encounters in the past, so sees no need to be scared. Oh little does he know…
Montz helps him get into a flak jacket that has cameras attached to it. He gives him a walkie talkie and a flashlight and sends him out the door. As if the situation was not scary enough in and of itself, the way the camera is angled on Dave’s face and the fact that it is one of those cameras that allows us to see him despite the fact that it is pitch black (like Survivor with the night vision lenses), makes it all the creepier. Using the walkie talkie, the doctor guides Dave through the darkness, telling him to go down some stairs and down a hall to a big metal door. At this point, Dave is freaked out. I think it is more because he is alone and there is no electricity or even moonlight coming in through windows. It is just him, his flashlight and those few ghosts who have decided to trek down the hall with him. Dave enters the room through the metal door and the doc tells him to look for the door with an exit sign. He finds it and says to the doc, “I’m sh***** my pants.” For a man sh****** himself, she seems especially calm. The doctor asks him what he sees or feels and Dave says he sees a man!! Just so you know, this would be the point where I would RUN!!! Dave says the guy is wearing overalls and no shirt. He is about 20 years old. The doc told Dave to ask his name, and the ghost would probably answer him in his head. A moment later, Dave says, “His name is John.”
The roommates huddle closer together in the hub and Ryan says she is scared. Yeah, well Ryan… think how Dave must feel. And the only person he has with him to hold his hand is a ghost named John. The doctor guides Dave further in and through another door. Dave says that John is still with him. As he walks into the next room, he tells the Montz that there is someone with him again. Montz asks if it is still John and a visibly shaken Dave says nervously, “I... I don’t know.” Dave looks around with his flashlight and realizes that he is in the morgue. RUN DAVE!! RUN!!!
But Dave does not run. He stays as Montz tells him to look for 2 big wooden doors. Dave shines his lights on the doors. These are the morgue body drawers. Montz begins to tell a story… which is the reason I thought he was a two bit actor. I swear he was telling the story as if he were reading his lines. Montz tells Dave about Joseph Owens who was in the middle of an operation in the 1950s, when his doctor left the room. At that time, an orderly came into the room, believing Joseph was dead, so he took him to the morgue and put him in the drawer – where he later died from suffocation. Now sufficiently and thoroughly freaked out, the doctor asks Dave to find a place in the morgue to sit down and see if anyone else came or if anything more happened. Dave finds a chair, sits down and soon yells out as he says that someone is shoving his chair! He gets up and something brushes his shoulder. Dave begins hurriedly heading back to the hub. Montz asks him where he is and Dave says he is coming back… but not alone. All the while on his walk back, someone is standing by his side, matching him step for step. As Dave pushes through the door to the office where the others wait, he says that whatever it was walked all the way up the steps with him. All the blood is drained from his face and Dave looks like the picture of fear. He takes off the jacket and sits down, exhausted.
The doctor stands and says the next two to head out will be Jordan and Ryan. Ryan begins to cry, explaining that she is a 21 year old woman who is afraid of the dark and she is NOT going. Jordan says he will protect her, but she says no way, no how. Sorry Jordan, you just lost your chance to cop a feel. Too bad. After trying to convince Ryan to no avail, the doctor recruits Charo, who has come up with no second excuse. She braids her big ole’ hair and puts on her flak jacket with Jordan. They head out and the cameras reveal that Jordan and Charo are also “sh***** their pants.” The doc leads them down the stairs and the hallway and Jordan says they see a blinking light at the end of the hall. Uh… I thought this place had no electricity? What the hell is up with the blinking light? My guess is that this was staged! But I am still scared, so let’s continue.
The two head towards the end of the hall and stop at the flickering light which is dangling from the ceiling. At that moment, something happens causing a really loud noise and Charo to scream. They do not know what it is, but it was a really loud noise. The doctor leads them to a door across from the light and tells them to enter, shut the door behind them and look up. Uh… NO. They do as told and find themselves at the bottom of an elevator shaft… Dr. Montz, lousy actor extraordinaire, then reads his lines, telling them a story about some guy named Karl Warner who escaped from his cell… What? What cell? What kind of hospital is this? Anyway, for the sake of the story, Karl escaped from his cell in the 1920s and ran into this elevator shaft, where some doctors hit the elevator button sending them to the basement and crushing Karl. His screams and the crushing of his bones could be heard throughout the hospital. I find that hard to believe… but tell me that story while I am in the dark of an allegedly haunted hospital and I will freak right the f*** out for you. After a moment, another loud noise is heard causing Charo to scream. The noise came from her right and a draft of air can be felt going up Jordan’s leg. The doctor explains that someone has joined them. If it were me, I would just let the dead dude have his elevator shaft and I would GET OUT.
The doctor asks Charo to go to the blood archive room. She promptly explains that she is a chicken with a big mouth. She and Jordan both go to the room, which Jordan believes has blood splattered on the door. They open it and enter as the doctor explains that the room they are in was actually used for electoshock therapy. He continues to tell how the shocks were so severe, and voltage so high, that the muscle spasms would actually cause the patients to break bones. Nice. The doctor leaves Charo in this room and tells Jordan to return to the elevator shaft across the hall to see what happens. He just wants to freak Charo out, I am sure. He asks her to take the sheet off of the chair which is covered in the middle of the small room. On the count of three, she rips off the sheet and begins screaming from the sheer fright of being left alone. She screams, Jordan runs in to find her freaking herself out. The chair which was uncovered is the electric chair. Again I ask, what kind of hospital is this?! Jordan and Charo return, never having really encountered more than some odd noises and a draft. Granted, as they enter the hub again, all of the color is also drained from their faces and they are as exhausted as poor Dave.
The doctor then sends out the next two – Flav and Brig. They put on their jackets and are sent on their way. Brig is very scared, but teeny little Flav says he will protect her. I am thinking the reverse would be necessary. The doctor leads them to the medical records room. Flav returns the directions from the doc by saying, “Operation ‘No Doubt’ is in place.” I have no idea what he is talking about… again. The doc tells them to take a seat on the two overturned filing cabinets and to take out the Ouija board in his backpack. Ok, now that is lame. A Ouija board??! Come on, doc! They do as instructed as Dr. Montz tells the story of a large white man that hangs around the room and feels he gets no respect. Yes, I will leave any jokes to you out of respect for the dead. In unison, Flav and Brig ask the man to tell them his name. The Ouija board just sits still. They ask again. When they receive no answer, Flav says, “Operation ‘Nothing’ is now in process.” Yes, I know it’s progress, but he said process. Still funny. Montz tells them to ask if the man is angry that they are in his hospital. The two ask in unison and the door to the room SLAMS SHUT! Seruiosly guys...GET OUT!!!!!! Brig starts to cry immediately. Apparently the big white dead dude is pissed. Brig cries, “I want out of here. I care for people!” Again, a big “HUH?” The two leave and return to the hub. Entering the room, even Flav is drained of all color, making him as white as well… as white as a black man can be.
After they return, the doc asks Ryan if she would now like to go. You have got to be freakin’ kidding me, doc! You really think she would go now? She still says no way, and says that she does not know what is out there, whether it is ghosts or demons (or as I like to think, people hired and hidden around the “hospital” pretending to be ghosts or demons.) Whatever it is, she wants no part. She continues her speech by saying that she believes what the Bible says… that when people die, they go to Hades or Heaven or Geneva. Huh? Ok, I do not pretend to be a Bible scholar, but this is the first I have heard of this Geneva place… other than the Geneva Convention, but doesn’t that have something to do with POWs? Nothing to do with the afterlife, that I know of. I would be interested in a copy of her Bible…
Anyway, she says no.
Dr. Montz tells them that he will bring a team into the building to clear it of its negative energy. The energy will shift to positive then they can reopen the hospital. Yeah, right.
Tune in next week for the scary Halloween episode! I guess VH1 did not feel that this episode would be scary enough for Halloween, so they decided to air the episode with the scariest person of all… Sally Jesse Raphael! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHH HHH!!!
Feel free to email me with questions, comments and any ideas on this Geneva place at firstname.lastname@example.org