Who is watching poor little Cuchi/Boogie/Fatso, I wonder? Morning comes but the surreal lifers are not fast asleep in their beds in the gaudy house. Instead, Jordan wakes to the sounds of early morning honking as he tries to sleep in the Winnebago in the casino parking lot. Since Jordan is up, he decides the rest of the housemates need to be awake as well. He grabs a maid’s cart and heads up and down the hall banging on his roomies’ doors shouting, “Housekeeping!!” A scary and pissed off Brig answers the door in a tiny T-shirt and a thong, complaining that she went to sleep at 6 a.m. Not caring that poor big ole’ Brig did not get to sleep until 6 – and that I am now blind from the carnage that is Brig-in-the-morning – , the man who slept in the parking lot in a Winnebago barges through the door shouting “Housekeeping!!”
Once everyone is up and downstairs in the restaurant waiting for breakfast, Ryan joins them holding the “Surreal Life Times” in her hands. She reads that on their way home, the surreal lifers will be making a pit stop at the beach. No one seems terribly thrilled with the idea of going to the beach on a cold, dark day… except nasty Brigitte who read something in that paper about lifeguards and lotion rubbing. She cannot wait to get there!
In spite of Jordan telling Flav he was not driving on the way back because he had not gotten enough sleep, Flav speeds out to the Winne and jumps in the driver’s seat. In unison, the group yells, “NO WAY!” at Flav, but he shrugs them off, unwilling to relinquish his thrown. As people are trying to talk him out of the driver’s seat, Brig thinks that she will be the one to persuade him. She approaches him and as lovingly as a masculine woman can ask, she says, “Can I see your passport and driver’s license?” Unlike Brig, Flav still remembers that Brig was a skanky ho with Enrique the dancer last night, and he pushes her advances away, ignoring her requests. Brig is hurt and heads to the back of the Winne to down a couple of more beers. Once everyone understands that Flav is without a license, they start pressuring him to show his ID to them and prove that he is legal to drive. Unable to do that, because surely after 67 suspensions the man did not get his license back, Flav gets pissed and begrudgingly leaves the front of the RV. He slumps into a chair and sulks the remainder of the trip, upset that ain’t no one got his back, G, and ain’t no one got no love for Flava, yo. And yes, to answer your question, I AM the whitest white girl ever.
With Dave behind the wheel, the lifers safely and legally arrive at the beach to meet a gray ocean and an overcast sky. They also get to meet the famous surfing Willis Brothers!! Now, with my vast knowledge of surfing (and by “vast” I mean that I recapped that stinkfest Boarding House: North Shore a year or so ago), I have never heard of these guys. But they must be famous because all of their surf wear bears their names as the logo. The brothers are very uh… existential. Yes, existential they are! For those of you without a dictionary handy, that just means that they see the world through a haze… a haze created by their bong. They talk about being “at one” with pretty much everything. Brig likes the idea of being “at one” so she says that she likes to ride the “wave of love.” As if on cue, the idea of a love wave makes one of the Willis Bros. Bounce right up in front of Brig and give her a kiss. Freaks! Seriously, how in the hell do men find her attractive?! Twenty years ago, okay… she was still nasty, but in that slutty way that men seem to like. But now? Seriously? It just sickens me. And I am not the only one sickened by the fact that Brig has a boy toy in every port. Pissed off Flav just reaffirmed his pissedoffedness. He proclaims that he is pissed off then punctuates it by flailing his arms at the camera, putting on his most disgusted face and saying “She’s just loose! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! And how many weeks did it take you to figure that out!?
Perfectly pissed off, Flav reports that he will not be partaking in the joy of being “at one” with anyone that is Brig or who wants to be “at one” with Brig and he sits his skinny, skinny ass on the beach. Jordan and Charo have also opted out of the surfing lessons. Brig has jumped right on the board, the Willis brother and the road to pretty much every STD out there. Dave is a good sport and manages to get up on his board after a few tries. Ryan is also a good sport and agrees to give surfing a go, because for once she has finally seen a boy that she acknowledges as cute. Which is better than being “not ugly,” huh Jordan?
After watching the others try time and again to get up, and listening to Charo and Jordan cheering everyone on, Flav decides to let his bad mood go when one of the Willis’ comes up to him and tells him that it is essentially his duty to help the surf world and the rap world converge and become harmonious. All I have to say is that must be some daaaaaaamn good weed. Flav heads out to the water and sucks really bad at surfing. After what seems like forever, he manages to ride a wave for a little while, his skinny chicken legs shaking all the way.
At the end of the surf lessons, everyone that participated is giving a Certificate of Achievement and Flav is given the award for being the guy who could hold his chronic the longest. Just kidding. But he is given a surfboard with the pics of all the surreal lifers on it for being the day’s MVP. He is happy with the board but still pissed at Brig, which is clear when she tries to take his hand to congratulate him and he shrugs her off and walks away.
The day ends when everyone changes out of their wet clothes and sits around a fire to roast marshmallows. Ryan is talking about her first love, which prompts Brig to ask Flav if he loves her. He says that he loves her the way he loves all the other houseguests, but that no, he is not “in love” with her. Brig does not like being lumped in with the others and tells him that he cannot compare her with the others. He reaffirms that he is definitely not in love with her. Brig stands up and walks away from Flav, pulls her hat down over her eyes and says that Flav needs to open up his heart, and not his gold teeth.
Tune in next week for what I am sure will be another 20 something minutes of my life that I can never get back.
For questions, comments, or to just bitch and moan, feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org