Welcome back to the Brig and Flav show! Seriously, remember when Will & Grace used to be about main characters Will and Grace, but then bled over to focus on the lives of Jack and Karen, quickly becoming the Jack & Karen show? Well, that is what has happened to The Surreal Life. No longer is this show about 6 pseudo celebrities living together in a house – but rather about 2 former celebs and these 4 other people that simply are not all that interesting to watch.
This week the show starts out with Flav and Brig sitting on the couch talking about his doing “hard time.” Brig says in a rather matter of fact tone, “Drugs, huh.” Flav looks up as if that deduction was out of left field, despite his much publicized former drug addiction. He shakes his head and says, “No man… for moving violations. Had to do 8 months.” Brig is shocked! So am I! How in the hell do you get 8 months in the slammer for driving violations??! Let Flav tell you how, he “had over 67 license suspensions.” OVER 67! So if you include all the unpaid speeding, parking, yada yada tickets with all the driving without a license tickets and you mush all 67 of them together, you get 8 months of jail time.
Now let the revelation of 8 months in jail for SIXTY SEVEN license suspensions settle in… because here in TV land, this is what we call foreshadowing.
Morning comes and Charo picks up The Surreal Times at the front door and runs in to read it to the rest of the group. She reads aloud something about a Charo show and driving. You can tell from the confused looks on the housemates’ faces that I am not alone in my inability to decipher her jumbled speech. Turns out that the surreal lifers will be heading out for an overnight trip to San Diego to watch Charo perform live at some casino lounge. Charo overpacks her bags and leaves the house first as she has to arrive early to prepare for the night’s performance.
The rest of the group goes to their rooms and packs. As they are heading outside, they see a giant ugly tan Winnebago waiting in the drive for them. Flav is excited and says he wants to drive. *Insert foreshadowed admission of 67 driver suspensions here.* The groups eyes open wide and it becomes clear that no one wants Flav controlling their destiny. So, unbeknownst to him, the other houseguests have voted and Flav will not be driving at all. Dave jumps behind the wheel and Flav quickly follows spending much of the trip riding shotgun. He says to Dave that he can drive the first half and Flav will catch the second half. Dave just kind of smiles. Flav continues that he loves to drive and worked for awhile as a school bus driver. And that he had a tremendous amount of practice driving since much of his youth was misspent stealing cars and driving them around. (Have I mentioned that I am absolutely shocked to hear of Flav’s 67 driving suspensions?[/sarcasm off]). When an hour has passed and Dave has made no mention of relinquishing the wheel, Flav dubs him a “driving hog.”
Five hours pass and Dave and the others finally arrive at the hotel. When they pull up, the hotel manager (a blonde no talent aspiring actress, obviously) meets them and says her clearly memorized and rehearsed lines that there is no room at the inn. The group look at each other with surprise, clearly amazed that they would be asked to drive for over 5 hours only to find that they had nowhere to sleep. The hotel manager continues that there is one high roller suite available. The group would divide into 2 groups – boys against girls – and would be given $500 dollars and one hour to gamble. At the end of an hour, the group with the most money would win the room. The loser team would be left sleeping in the Winne. Jordan and Dave decide to just hold onto their money and let the ladies lose all of theirs, but before they can properly convey the plan to Flav, he has already lost $100 at the roulette table.
Brig and Ryan plot to find some rich good looking guy to gamble his own money for the women. The basis for this plan is that some rich good looking guy would find Ryan and Brig so good looking that he would be unable to allow them to gamble their own money and would rather put up his own chips in order to spend some time with these two. And yes… although Ryan is a honey, she seems to also be a virgin who has never learned to flirt. And Brigitte? Well hell… look at her! She is simply scary and no man is going to give her money unless he knows nakedness, a dark room and possibly a video recorder is involved.
After the ladies’ brilliant and foolproof plan falls through, the hour ends resulting in the men having $385 dollars and the women having $52. The men win the high rollers’ suite leaving Ryan and Brig slumming it outside. Dave, Flav and Jordan head upstairs and open the door to their “suite” – which is actually just a regular old hotel room with one king sized bed. Upon realizing that once again, by sharing this suite, Dave would be subjected to the sound of Flav’s snoring, he checks out the walk in closet and says that it will be his room for the night. Jordan says that he is not sharing a bed with Flav, even though it is a king sized bed (*homophobe*), so Flav jumps into the middle of the bed pleased with his good fortune.
Meanwhile, downstairs Ryan has come up with a plan to get a room for Brig and herself. She approaches the manager and says she will sing for a suite. The manager makes a couple of calls and sets it up. That evening, Ryan will sing as Brig dances (and by “dances” I mean flails about uncontrollably) on some stage set up somewhere in the hotel. Having the room arranged, Ryan continues to gamble while Brig goes upstairs to get ready for the Charo show.
The men have already gotten ready and head to the lounge with mere minutes to spare before the show begins. They take their seats and find that Brig and Ryan and nowhere in sight. The camera pans to Ryan who is on a gambling high as she is in the middle of a winning streak and refuses to leave the table. Brig, on the other hand, is just taking a really, really long time getting ready. At 9:15, Ryan and Brig waltz into the Charo show, which has been going on for the last 45 minutes. Dave thinks it is very disrespectful for the women to arrive late and Charo is offended.
After the show ends, everyone goes backstage to tell Charo how great she was… except Brig. She does go backstage, but ultimately it is to find out who the middle dancer for the show was. Charo says the Latino honey is named Enrique and brings him out to meet Brig, who looks at him as if she could swallow him whole. Flav sees the slut that Brig is and storms off offended. Brig does not even seem to notice as she takes Enrique by the hand and heads towards the dance club to jiggle for him. It is bedtime for Ryan and Jordan heads to the empty Winne for some shut eye. [sidenote: After Ryan heads upstairs for some shut eye, completely abandoning the idea of singing and thus essentially stealing the hotel room for the night, *I* have now flipped on *my* bitchswitch. Ryan is a loser. I hate people that think they can get something for nothing. Especially a person who was never a "somebody" to begin with.]
In the middle of the night, Brig and Enrique head towards Ryan’s room to get it on. Finding Ryan in bed, drunk Brig asks her to shove over so she and Enrique can share the bed and get it on. Ryan is now grossed out, wide awake and is adamant that she will not be sharing a bed or partaking in a threesome. Disappointed, Enrique takes his bag and heads away, only to meet Brig in the parking lot a few minutes later for some last minute groping.
Tune in next week when Brig shows Flav that she is even looser than he could have ever imagined!
Feel free to direct any comments and questions my way at firstname.lastname@example.org.