Worst episode ever.
This week on The Surreal Life, we viewers wasted 30 minutes of our lives watching a poorly edited, pieced together pile of crap. With that said, this recap will be short, sweet and hopefully less agonizing than the show itself. I usually try to watch each episode twice before recapping, but I simply could not suffer through this episode again. Off we go!
It is morning in the Surreal house. Everyone sleeps except for Dave, who is up with skates on pretending to be a hockey player on the tennis court. Flav soon wakes up and goes room to room waking the other houseguests. Charo, who definitely needs her beauty sleep, is angry at Flav’s wake up call and complains incomprehensibly in her mangled Spanglish. In the middle of her rant, her robe opens a bit at the top, prompting Flav to ask, “Got milk?” Ryan laughs. Charo is horrified.
Once everyone is up and about, Dave picks up the paper outside the front door and meets everyone in the kitchen. The Surreal Times tells the group that they will be putting on a show for many guests later that evening – a “Battle of the Bands,” if you will. The gang will be divided into three groups of two – Dave and Brig, Ryan and Charo and Flav and Jordan. Joining them soon will be a bunch of outside musicians and each group can choose three to round out their band. The surreal lifers think the coming musicians will be professionals and are excited. I am not sure where they came up with the idea that the musicians would be pros, but that is neither here nor there. Dave and Brig will be performing “Wild Thing.” Flav and Jordan choose “Play That Funky Music Whiteboy” leaving Ryan and Charo with “Born To Be Wild”… a song that Charo claims to have never heard.
Charo and Ryan head off to their room to begin practicing. Charo claims she does not like their song so they should write their own. She promptly does just that and comes up with some awful ditty called “Mississippi Honeys.” Ryan shakes her head and says that performing Charo’s song will make them look like morons. It is back to “Born To Be Wild” for the women.
Brig and Dave also head off to practice. Dave is strumming the guitar and playing harmonica while Brig bounces around in a tight and tiny leopard print bathing suit. Do you remember the episode of “Seinfeld” where Elaine dances horrifically at an office party? Yeah, well… she dances better than Brig. I’m just sayin’. While the other groups practice, Jordan and Flav wait for their “professional” band to get there. Flav is wearing an ENORMOUS digital clock around his neck so he can count the minutes till the musicians arrive.
Soon there is a knock at the door and in walk nine musicians – and their middle school music teacher. Yes, the musicians are children. This battle of the bands just turned into “School of Rock.” The nine kids line up in front of the 6 surreal lifers and wait to be chosen. Each group takes turns picking their musicians. The drummers and guitarists go quickly. Then the keyboard players. Then the horns. Last girl standing and waiting to be picked is an accordion player who goes to Flav and Jordan’s group. She is clearly accustomed to being chosen last.
With only three and a half hours until show time, the bands quickly separate into different rooms and begin practicing. As Charo plays guitar, dances around and butchers “Born To Be Wild,” one of the kids in her band says that it is time for Charo to realize she is past her prime and start dressing her age. I have to somewhat agree; however, I think wearing clothes that are a bit looser and slowing down on the collagen injections would be a big improvement. Dave is not having much luck in his group’s rehearsals since all big ole’ Brig is doing is rolling around on the floor in her tight bathing suit and playing with the dog. The eleven year old boys in his band are quite distracted, needless to say. In direct contrast to the other two groups, Flav’s band is having a great time. He has even encouraged the little lone accordion player into thinking of herself as a kickass rock star. Out of all the people in the house, I am surprised that Flav is best at working with the kids. After a bit of practice, they take a break and Flav heads inside to make the kids grilled cheese sandwiches. He manages to burn them, but hey… it’s the thought that counts.
After rolling on the floor with the dog in her swimsuit, watching Flav burn grilled cheese sandwiches and doing everything in her power to not rehearse, Brig finds her way to her big bed in the middle of the room and takes a nap. When Dave realizes that Brig is sleeping, he gets mad, but continues rehearsing with the kids. I think that her being covered up and away from the kids in another room is probably the best thing at this point.
Show time comes around and tons of kids arrive at the house and begin piling in the backyard around the pool. Stepping out on the stage is tonight’s MC, Greg Brady!! Yes, Barry Williams will be the host of tonight’s festivities. He keeps making Brady Bunch references, but the kids do not really get it – seeing as though his show has been off the air two times longer than most of the members of the audience have been alive. First band Barry introduces is Dave’s and Brig’s “Surreal Deal” band! Brig is wearing a cat suit, feather boa, sunglasses and a green metallic wig. She oddly dances as the group belts out “Wild Thing.” After their performance, Brig says that her midday nap contributed to her amazing and fantastic performance that night. What a weirdo.
Next group to perform is “Madison Avenue Rockers” with Ryan, Charo and children. The drummer plays really, really fast and Ryan and Madison (one of their kids in the band) sing lead. The group sucked, but that Madison was talented. She should consider trying out for American Idol. And as one of the bandmates suggested earlier, it definitely is time for Charo to realize her age. The outfit she is wearing makes her look like a prostitute. A prostitute with really big overfilled collagen injected lips.
Barry introduces the last band of the night – “King Kold Kuts and the Bolognas.” No, I did not just make that up. Running out to the stage is Jordan in dark shades and Flav dressed in a red clown suit, wig and all. The Bolognas do a really good job, starting out the song with the kid rocking on the accordion. After they finish their performance, the crowd goes wild. Barry lines up each group on the stage and asks the audience to judge who wins tonight’s battle of the bands. Dave and Brig get mild applause. Ryan and Charo get a bit more applause. For Flav and Jordan, the crowd goes wild! Barry announces King Kold Kuts as the night’s winner, receiving $1,000 to go to the charity of their choice. To end the show, Barry says, “Now everyone, let’s go swimming!” and leans towards the pool jokingly. As sore loser, Brig, walks by, she pushes him and Barry goes flailing into the water. Yes, Barry, this is indeed a metaphor for your career. You are all washed up. Now quit hounding reality show producers for more guest appearances and live quietly off your former Brady Bunch fame and royalties.
Tune in next week as the gang takes a surreal road trip to surreal San Diego to watch a surreal live performance by Charo.
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