The Surreal Life was surprisingly short this week. I believe season one went to 30 minute episodes, but season two was so chock full o’ antics from Ron Jeremy, Vanilla Ice and lushy Trishelle, that they allowed the episodes to run for a full hour. I expected the same of season three, but I guess viewers can only tolerate a minimal amount of Brigitte and Flavor Flav before they find it necessary to change the channel.
It is morning in the Surreal house. Charo is sleeping while Ryan is snuggled underneath her blankets, fighting getting out of bed. Jordan is in the bathroom with a towel over his head as he brushes his teeth and Dave is preparing for a morning run on the treadmill. In the kitchen, Brig cooks breakfast while wearing sweat pants and a tight pink T-shirt. Flav is sitting on the counter watching as she prepares the food. I find the food unrecognizable and the baby T too tight and childish for a woman of 6’8”. Ok, I do not really know if she is that tall, but I do know that she hovers above Flav. Flav says something like, “I dig you yo, G” to Brig. She smiles and continues to stir whatever is simmering on the stove. He tells her in his own words what I translate to mean that he loves how nice and domestic and calm and caring she seems at that very moment. Brig responds, “That’s lovely,” and walks over and plants a peck on Flav’s lips. He hollers out a “Whooooooooooooo!” and hugs her to his tiny tiny little body. Seriously, face it. Standing next to Brig, Flav has all the size of the Mayor of the Munchkins.
After breakfast, Brig and Flav leave the kitchen. As they are walking out, Brig says, “Mr. F, are we going to go swimming today?” Flav responds, “Weather permitting, m’ love.” In confessional, Brig says that she likes Flav more and more each day and feels really close to him. She admits that she adores him.
In the telephone room, Ryan calls her friend, Hailey. The conversation goes something like this: “Hey dude, wanna come over and go swimming with me? This house has a sick pool and Jacuzzi that overlook the hill.” She says she will be right over. Moments later, the doorbell rings and Ryan greets her lookalike friend, Hailey, into the house. She tells her the house is crazy and that she will love it. Ryan gives her the grand tour, ending with the pool. As they turn the corner to check it out, Ryan and Hailey find Big ol’ Brig completely wrapped around Flavor Flav. The shock is apparent by the look on Ryan’s face. Brig backs up off of Flav and he says, “HEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey! !” Ryan says, “Hi. We were just going to go swimming, but we’ll swim later and give you your privacy.” Now, though that statement might be accurate, what an odd thing to say. Flav says, “Nononononononono, baby girl, you can come swimming now!” She says, “Um… no thanks. We’ll come back later,” and she and Hailey head inside.
Back in the house, Ryan shudders with disgust saying that she guesses those two are having a fling, which grosses her out. She flops on the couch and waits for it to be her turn for a swim. Back in the pool, Brig and Flav continue to get close… close enough for her to know that it is not a banana in his pocket and he is most certainly happy to see her. After awhile, Brig and Flav wrap up in towels and head towards the house. As they pass the girls, Ryan says to Flav, “Are you guys done swimming?” Flav, wanting to push Ryan’s buttons, says, “No, we ain’t done swimming, so you can’t use the pool.” Ryan takes it in stride and says, “Ok, that’s cool. Just let me know when you’re done, I guess.” Realizing that he is not having his desired effect, Flav says, “Psyyyyyyyyyyyyyyche. Yo, I’m playing. We’re done.” Ryan looks at Hailey and says, “Wanna go swimming?” They get up and go change into their bikinis.
As they walk down the hall, Ryan pulls back the curtain to the couch room revealing the ever sleeping Jordan Knight. Hailey, clearly not over her NKOTB obsession, says, “Go jump on him!” Ryan says, “Can you imagine if I wake him up in a bikini?” As they are turning to leave, Jordan puts on his pseudo cool black man persona and says, “Ladies……”
Today’s confessionals are all about Ryan. First Flav says that Ryan has something against him. “She’s not feelin’ the Flav,” I believe were his words. On the other end of the spectrum was Jordan, saying something about feeling Ryan. “I wouldn’t mind getting in the Jacuzzi with Ryan. She’s hot.” What is it with Jordan and “getting in the hot tub” talk. First he talks about hot tubbing with the Olsen twins to a man who feels like their father, then he talks about hot tubbing with hot bod Ryan. Hello… don’t you have a girlfriend? In my opinion, Jordan is a dirty old man trapped in a young guy’s body.
Ryan and Hailey hit the pool, which apparently feels like they are swimming in the Jacuzzi. Ryan tells her friend that there is no way she would ever hook up with anyone in the house. Well Ryan, I do not exactly see the invitations flying your way, so that should not be an issue. Unless, of course, you want to “get in the hot tub” with Jordan, but I am not sure exactly what that entails.
Instead of the usual installment of The Surreal Times, the producers have decided to forego the paper instead with a one page computer printout of the night’s events. Dave and Brig head into the kitchen to find the printout stuck on the refrigerator door. Dave reads aloud from the page that says the women of the house will be hosting a dinner for each of the guys in speed dating fashion. Charo will be set up in the living room, Brig on the eastern scenic side of the house and Ryan will be poolside. The note on the fridge says that the men should dress up for the date since the women will be dressing up for them. Upon hearing of the dates and having to dress up, Flav heads to the bathroom to polish his gold teeth.
At dinner/date time, the men find notecards for each of them on a table. The notes reveal with whom each man will start his date. Dave has cocktails with Brig, Flav with Ryan and Jordan with Charo. Jordan stresses that he is having COCKtails with Charo. I hate him.
Flav heads out to Ryan’s poolside table. He says he is glad to have some one on one time with her since out of everyone in the house, he feels most distant from Ryan. When he sits down, she compliments his snazzy jacket and says to just treat her like one of the guys because she is pretty much a tomboy at heart. Upon hearing this, Flav asks, “Are you gay?” She calmly replies, “Nope.” His second question is, “Are you a virgin?” Ryan responds, “That’s none of your business.” After that, Ryan and Flav sit quietly waiting for their portion of the date to come to an end.
On the eastern side of the house, Dave greets Brig with a few flowers he has picked then kisses her on the hand. Brig keeps hold of his hand and pulls him down to kiss her. Dave obliges by giving her a peck on the lips. Things at Brig’s table do not go so well for Dave. Brig begins by saying Americans suck and Europeans are so much better. I find this funny since Dave is a Canadian, right? Anyway, Dave is tired of Brig blaming everything on the stuffiness of Americans and says in confessional, “I bet there are many Europeans living in America that don’t down Jack Daniels and run around naked.” He calls Brig on her overuse of the excuse of being European and they bicker back and forth. As their date time is up, Dave leans over to kiss Brig on the cheek. After the first kiss, she turns her cheek for him to give a second kiss. He says, “Oh, that’s very European.” Brig tells the camera that Dave needs to be slapped a couple of times because he is “spoiled to the T.”
Jordan greeted his first date with Charo by trying out his Spanish on her. “You look bonit… bonit…a?” “Bonita,” she confirms. Jordan sits across from her and Charo becomes very animated, saying what I believe is that she is glad for some one on one time with everyone. She rounds out that conversation by saying, “I met the Pope.” Jordan is as surprised by the change in topic as I am. Charo then says, “hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo” really quickly, leading Jordan to look behind him to ensure he is still on The Surreal Life and not Candid Camera.
Time for the cocktail portion to end. Each man rotates to the next table, leaving Flav with Charo, Dave with Ryan and Jordan with Brig. Ryan tells Dave that she is glad to see him as she was tired of talking to Flav. He hands her the mini bouquet and they stand next to an outdoor heater for the next 15 minutes. I believe Dave begins telling her of the physics of the outdoor heater and Ryan yawns. Dave laughs and says, “Yes, I know this is a very engaging conversation.” In the living room, Charo and Flav are having a completely indecipherable conversation, ending with Charo saying something like, “You don’t want your shoe in your mouth.” Uh… yes, a shoe in the mouth would be bad indeed.
Jordan greets Brig with a friendly handshake and she pulls him down for a kiss on the cheek. As he is pulling away, Brig says, “It’s two in Europe,” insisting she get that second cheek kiss. After Jordan sits down, Brig says, “Have you ever thought about really kissing me?” I grimace. Seriously, she freaks me out. What a weird thing to ask!! Jordan stammers and stutters and finally says, “Uh, like I would uh kiss you, but uh…” (and as if a light bulb went on in his head) “…but I can’t. I have a girlfriend.” Yeah, sure you do, Jordan. Suuuuuuuuuure you do. Brig says, “And I have a boyfriend.” The conversation ends awkwardly and it is time to change tables.
The last round has Dave with Charo, Flav with his big girl, Brig, and Jordan with Ryan. Now, let me begin with this – Jordan was in the workout room lifting teeny little barbells prior to his date with Ryan. And he was doing it awkwardly, showing that lifting weights was definitely not a part of his normal daily routine. I guess he thought that maybe 10 minutes lifting 3 pound dumbells would make him look a little less bloated. Note to Jordan: It didn’t.
Jordan sits across from Ryan and says, “Hypothetical question: If I didn’t have a girlfriend…” (Yes, now he actually believes in the imaginary girlfriend he made up to ward off the nastiness of Brig.) “…would you be interested in me?” Ryan looks at him for a minute, then sticks a forkful of food in her mouth. After an uncomfortably long silence, she says, “Probably not.” Jordan makes a sick face (and by sick, I don’t mean in a good way.) He then says, “If I were 25?” She thinks on it, then says, “Maybe.” When she sees that is not the answer he was going for, Ryan adds, “It’s not that I think you’re ugly….” And Jordan interrupts, “Oh THANKS! I’m glad to know you think I ain’t ugly!” I laugh.
Charo’s and Dave’s dinner is uneventful. When he handed her the flowers, she said that small gestures like that were often more impressive to women than receiving jewelry. Note to Dave: if you have dinner with me, I prefer sapphires. Flav and Brig start right back where they left off from the pool and cuddle closely underneath a blanket at her table. They snuggle and kiss and Flav says that he and Brig are the only ones in the house to really have a connection. A sick, twisted, incomprehensible connection, but a connection nonetheless, I suppose.
After dinner is done, Brig, Dave, Charo and Ryan head to bed. Flav is not tired, so he goes into the living room to play some pool. A few minutes later, Jordan joins him. A groggy Ryan heads out into the living room and says, “I don’t know if you guys are aware, but Charo and I are trying to sleep.” Flav looks at one of the many watches on his body and says, “Sleepin’? Yo yo it’s early baby girl. It’s only 11pm!” Ryan says, “I wouldn’t play pool if you were trying to sleep.” Flav says, “Yeah, but I ain’t trying to sleep. It’s eaaaaaaaaarly.” Ryan tells him he is rude and tells the camera that she does not deal well with rude so she has officially flipped the bitch switch and cannot wait for Flav to be out of her life. Jordan and Flav play one more game and Jordan calls it a night.
For the record, my opinion on the pool at 11pm thing. It is ONLY 11pm, for cripe’s sake! Ryan is 21 and is in bed as if she’s 75 years old and needs her sleep. If it were 1 or 2 in the morning, I might have had more sympathy, but she is sharing a house with adults – not all of whom have a 10:30 bedtime. Get over it, Ryan. That was a lame reason to get upset.
After Flav has hit the hay, Brig sneaks out of her big round bed out in the open and heads into his room. She says that her mattress is vinyl-y and she sticks to it and that Flav has an enormous single bed, so she was going to join him. She wakes him up and he shoves over. After she gets in bed with him, SHE TAKES HER CLOTHES OFF!!!! I do not know why I am surprised, but I am. The last things we hear from Brig are, “Oh that feels nice. That feels nice. Don’t do that with the teeth!” and Flav yells out, “Flavor Flav!!!”
Tune in next week when the Surreal house meets School of Rock.
For questions, comments or conversations bashing the nastiness of Brig and Flav, feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org