The Surreal Life is back with a new cast, in a new house, on a different station. Gone are the days of Vince Neal and Corey Feldman. Drunk Trishelle and Vanilla Ice are nowhere to be found. But the one thing we can always rely on – the one thing that is always the same – is the house in which they have put the washed up celebs is just as ugly as ever! Let the games begin!
Many fans have gathered outside the Surreal house, waiting to greet the arriving houseguests. First to drive up in a vintage pink convertible is Maria Rosario Pilar Martinez Molina Baeza – or more familiarly known to you and me as “Charo.” You know Charo, right? The “Cuchi-cuchi” girl who appeared 45 times on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and holds the record number of guest appearances on The Love Boat. Charo hops out of her pink car, shakes her buxom “maracas” and squeals out an “ayiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi” for the crowd. She is wearing a tight pink top and a short mini skirt with heels. For a woman of 53, she has a kickass body. Hell, she would have a kickass body for a woman of 23! As she walks into the house, she stops and signs autographs, all the while saying almost unintelligible things to anyone who will listen. Thick accent that Charo has.
Charo is a screamer. As she walks through the mansion, she screams at the size of the place. She screams at the sheer audacity of the place, which she claims is something like Liberace, vomit and the 1940s. She screams when she finds the only solo bedroom in the place, which she quickly claims as her own. And she screams when she finds the little golden retriever puppy hidden in a room, which she promptly names “Cuchi.”
As Charo is wandering around the inside, outside, in a pimped out ride, up drives Flavor Flav of the late 80s/early 90s rap group Public Enemy. He is wearing a metal viking hat with side horns and is covered with giant watches and clocks. His nameplate gold teeth are in place and, I must say, are just as creepy as they were the first time I saw them. However, when I see him I want to get up and start rapping, “I don’t think I can handle, She goes channel to channel, Cold lookin’ for that hero. She watch channel zero. She watch, She watch, She watch, She watch…” but that’s just me. Flav hops out of his car and starts doing that rap artist thing of stiffly flailing his arms in the air then across his chest and saying things like, “Yeah! Yeah!” and “No doubt, yo.” He struts strangely into the house, talking about how back in the day when Public Enemy was at its peak, that he had a bad drug problem. With a big gold toothed grin he says, “But I’m clean now, yo.”
Flav heads inside and is psyched when he thinks he has the mansion to himself. He is surprised when Charo heads towards him from the back of the house and says, “Hello! I love you!” and hugs him. He lolls his head from side to side and says, “Hey now what’s your name?” She responds, “Charo. Charo.” He nods and smiles with a blank look on his face. In confessional, Flav says, “When I saw her, I know her. But I don’t know her, you know?” In her own confessional, Charo says, “I was excited to meet Flavor Flake.” Flavor FLAKE. I love that. After the first question of “What’s your name?” the obvious second question from Flav to Charo is, of course, “Are your breasts real or silicone?” Charo goes into some long soliloquy about her mom having cow boobs and how she appears flat chested next to her mom’s grandiose breasts. However, she does not answer the question.
In a limo driving up to the house sits a now fat Jordan Knight. He gained his fame in the late 80s/early 90s by being a member of New Kids On The Block. He was 14 at the time and has since not only packed on the weight, but also packed on the attitude. Jordan is on his cell phone as he drives up complaining to the person on the other end about how he did not want to do this show and that this was not his “thing.” Jordan, as far as I can see, your only “thing” in the last 15 years has been eating. Even Joey McIntyre had a stint on Boston Public and Donnie Walberg got to be a psycho that shot Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. What have you done for me lately?
Jordan reluctantly leaves his limo and heads towards the house, stopping to sign autographs for fans from 15 years ago that just cannot seem to let it go. When he walks in the house, he recognizes both Flav and Charo. Flav, with that same vacant look on his face that he had with Charo, says, “What’s your name?” Jordan says, “Jordan.” Jordan reminds Flav that apparently they had performed together or something at the American Music Awards back in the day and that he was Jordan Knight of NKOTB. Flav yells and grabs Jordan in recognition and does not let go or stop yelling for a good minute or two. Charo stands back and looks bewildered at the screaming. I guess screaming is her thing and wants Flav to stop. In confessional, Flav says, “When Jordan first walked in, I know him, but I don’t know him. When he told me who he was, the one thing I could immediately tell is that he’s gained some weight and his face is fat.” Ouch.
Back outside, on a big brown horse, up rides the fourth house guest – Brigitte Nielson. If you do not remember Brigitte, let me refresh your memory. Brigitte was a big fan of Sylvester Stallone. She wanted to meet him so badly that she sent a naked picture of herself to him in a fan letter. He liked her naked picture, met and married her. She was cast in Rocky IV as a supporter of the Russian boxer who killed Apollo Creed. (Can you tell I just watched Rocky IV over the long weekend? There was a marathon on TBS or something.) Anyway, Brig became even more famous when after 18 months of marriage, she and Sly split and she was awarded $40 million bucks. Now she is apparently a big star in Europe and also a singer who goes by the nickname “Gitte.” Brig is enormous as ever. Absolutely the tallest woman on the planet. She is wearing a tight black bustier and leggings. Her hair is still short and bleached platinum blonde. She epitomizes big ole’ skanky ho. As she reaches the front door, she hops off the horse, turns and strikes a pose, walks up to the door, turns again and strikes another pose, then enters the house.
Charo, and of course Flav, do not recognize Brig. Jordan does though. She introduces herself and gets herself a drink from the bar. Before coming into the house, Brig had decided she was going to be queen of the tacky mansion. Upon meeting hyper as hell Flav, and seeing that he was trying to be the dominant one, Brig had to put him in his place. First she tried to touch his face, to spread his lips, to see his gold teeth. When she reached for his face, he told her to back off, that he could spread his own mouth. She sat inches away and stared for a few moments at the gold “Flavor Flav” on his upper and lower teeth before exclaiming, “That is just ridiculous!” According to Flav, Brig was not “feeling” the teeth. Brig says flatly to everyone that she will be head of this household and Flav chimes in, “Uh uh, lady. This is MY pad.” Big ole Brig gets up, puts her breast in his face and backs him into a wall. He begins stammering and stuttering and Brig wears an expression that says, “Yeah, that’s what I thought, little man.” Soon after, Brig wanst Flav to show her around the place, and when he does not respond as quickly as she would like, Brig pops Flav in his gold toothed mouth with her makeup bag… which pisses him OFF. He tells her never again. Charo describes Flav and Brig as a couple of Mexican fighting roosters. My guess is that Brig wins in the end.
Outside we hear the music of an ice cream truck and see that inside is Dave Coulier – better known as Uncle Joey Gladstone from Full House fame. For you younguns out there, Full House is the show where Mary Kate and Ashley got their start. He also mentions that he hosted the show America’s Funniest People, but I have blocked that show from my memory. However, what I personally remember Dave for is the song Alanis Morrisette wrote in his honor after a bad breakup, “You Oughta Know.” Remember, in the song she asked if his new girlfriend would go down on him in a theater? And she called him “Mr. Duplicity?” and wanted to know if Dave was thinking of her when he err… well, you know… was doing his new girlfriend? All I know is if a man can inspire that much anger, he must have been great in bed.
Uncle Joey jumps out of his ice cream truck with popsicles in hand and offers them to the waiting fans. As he goes into the house, he takes off his paper hat and white apron and heads into the living room to meet the waiting houseguests. As you can expect, Flav has no idea who he is. To Flav, Dave is just a regular Joey. Introductions all around and the boys head into to play some pool. While Jordan is racking them, Flav heads to Dave and says, “Now what do you do?” Dave responds, “I’m a comedian. I’m on TV.” Flav says, “What channel?” Dave says, “I was on the TV show, Full House.” A lightbulb goes on in Flav’s head and he says, “Ohhhhh yeah! With the Olsten twins!” (Yes, Flavor FlaKE said “OlsTen twins.”) Dave says, “Yeah, Mary Kate and Ashley. They’re my friends.” In the background Jordan mumbles a bit too loudly, “Yeah, I wouldn’t mind getting in a hot tub with them.” Dave gets a disgusted look on his face and leaves the room. He tells the camera, “When I met those girls, they were in diapers. When guys says, ‘They’re really hot. They’re 18.’, I’m not going to listen to it.” Strike 1 for fat Jordan.
Last to arrive, in a jacked up black truck, is the 15 minute famer that is required on this show. The first season was Jerri from Survivor. The second season was Trishelle from Real World – Las Vegas. This season is Ryan Starr whose claim to fame is making the Top 10 on Season 1 of American Idol. Now I know a lot of people were not too psyched to hear Ryan was the reality TV pick for this 3rd season, but I was. I loved Ryan Starr on the first American Idol! Did she have the best voice? Clearly, no. But I did in fact enjoy her voice, her performances and her style. Let’s face it, Ryan is a honey and the camera loves her.
Ryan hops out of the truck and greets the fans, signing a few autographs on the way in to the house. Once inside, Flav says, as expected, that she looks familiar but he does not know her. Ryan shakes Jordan’s hand and immediately knows him. NKOTB was her thing since she was a little girl when they were popular. And you know how those little girls love the boy bands. When Uncle Joey walks in, Ryan also recognizes him, claiming to love his TV shows. Last greet in the house is Charo, who hugs Ryan and kisses both her cheeks. Ryan knows Charo and tells her, “My grandmother is your biggest fan!” Ouch. Charo takes it in stride, though, and says, “Let’s call your grandmother right now” as she offers Ryan a box of raisins.
Flav takes Ryan outside to meet Brig, who is sitting poolside. The greet each other with a handshake and Brig tells Ryan, “You’re beautiful.” Ryan thanks her and returns the compliment. In confessional, Ryan says that she admires Brig and that she envies her career and wild child side. For the record, I envy neither. If anything, the only thing I can envy about big ole’ Brig is that $40 mil she made for 18 months of marriage. When everyone has gone inside except for Flav and Brig, she slinks down into the water while fully dressed. She tells us she likes the way the bubbles of the water seep through and touch her skin. Oooooooooookay.
Now that the gang is all here, Charo takes charge and shows everyone where they will be sleeping. Jordan sees the room with 3 twin sized beds in it, presumably the room for the 3 guys to share, and shakes his head, “No.” Charo tells him to stop complaining, that it is a good room! The room she tries to hide is the single room with its own bathroom, which she claimed for herself earlier. She plops on the bed and Flav says, “No way, Lady. This is my room. We are sharing!” Charo responds in some Spanglish which is completely incoherent to me, then mentions having a good looking husband who is 6’3” and will punch Flav to the moon. I guess Flav will not be sharing her bed after all.
In the kitchen, Ryan says, “There’s the room with the 3 beds in it, there’s the single room, then there’s the bed out here in the open.” (Oh, if I had not mentioned before, there is indeed a big round bed right in the living room out in the open with silver curtains that can be closed around it.) She continues, “That’s only 5 beds. There’s 6 of us.” She says she does not want to sleep in a room with the boys, so she is going to sleep in the sofa room on the couch. Everyone seems fine with that. However, as she is taking her bags to the back sofa room, she finds Jordan coming out of it after having already put his bags in there. He had been there when she said she was going to sleep there, but decided he was the superstar who should get his own place. Completely disregarding her wishes to not share a room with the men, he shrugs an “Oh Well” at her and walks away. Uncle Joey asks Ryan what is wrong and she explains that Jordan is a dick. Strike two for Jordan. It turns out that Charo is willing to share her space since she understands that Ryan does not want to share the big round bed with Brig, (because, in Charo’s words, “Brig is a big scary bitch”, so Dave and Ryan move her single bed into that room. Good. Done and done.
Jordan goes into his room to take a nap and stacks a bunch of boxes in front of the doorway so no one can enter. The boxes are hidden, though, because a silver curtain hangs in front of the entry instead of a door. Brig, having since come in from her dip in her clothes in the pool, has stripped down and laid on her bed. You know, the bed out in the open. All she has on is a thong, allowing everyone in America and all of her houseguests, to see that she has three nasty tattoos on her droopy ass. Everyone in the house also gets the “pleasure” of seeing her saggy boobs hanging out while we viewers are spared by the networks precise placement of 2 stars that read “Surreal Life.” Brig, who has spent the entirety of her day drinking, is now rolling around on her bed with the puppy, who she has said is named “Boogie” not Cuchi. Charo says that Brig thinks she is making a Surreal Porno. In confessional, Dave tells the camera, “Brigitte walks to the beat of a different drummer… and this drummer has no clothes on.”
Flav is excited. He says a naked woman is always a good thing. After sitting on Brig’s bed for a bit, Flav decides that a sandwich is more enticing than her boobs, and heads to the kitchen. Somewhere along the way, Brig finds Dave’s paper waiter hat and apron and dons those along with her thong. Every now and again, a boob will pop out and a surreal star will appear to cover the saggies. In her waiter outfit, Drunk Brig lumbers around the house, deciding to check out the sofa room. When she tries to enter through the silver curtain, she falls hard over the boxes he has hidden in the doorway. Everyone hears the commotion, but Jordan acts as if he is still sleeping through Brig’s fall and her ensuing tears. Flav comes to help her up and into the bathroom when Jordan gets up and says very unapologetically, “I’m sorry.” Flav says, “Man, you gonna have to realize that there is no privacy here.” Jerkoff Jordan tells the camera, “I’m sorry she fell over my boxes, but I don’t want nobody in my room.” Let me tell you something, Jordan. You’re WHITE. Quit talking with that tone and inflection and attitude as if you are a black man. YOU cannot pull it off and you look and sound like an idiot. Oh and… Strike 3 for Jordan. Let’s trade him for a Beastie Boy or Kid Rock or something.
The first Surreal Times newspaper is delivered and the group gathers in the living room. Flav is sitting next to Brig rubbing her legs which are laying over his lap. She has her arms wrapped around his neck and has her big saggy breasts pressed into his back. She is such a big woman, I swear her body could wrap around little Flav’s a couple of times. Dave reads the paper to them which includes a set of rules. The one rule that sticks out is “No smoking of any kind in the house.” Brig has been smoking inside throughout the day. In confessional, she says, “I want to talk to all you American’s out there. You can walk around with a gun, but you can’t walk around topless. If you go topless, you get arrested. If you smoke in public, you get arrested. What’s that about?!!!” Dave continues reading the times, telling everyone that the group will be served dinner poolside at promptly 8pm. With that, Brig heads towards her bed. Jet lag and tons of booze have made her pass out.
At 8, everyone heads outside for their meal, except for Brig, who is still sleeping soundly. Midmeal, Flav decides that Brig needs some food to soak up all the alcohol she has downed that day. He climbs on her bed and wakes her up. You can tell Brig is pissed that Flav is waking her, but he manages to deflect her negativity and coax her to wrap her nakedness in a blanket and join the others for food. As soon as she sits down with the group, she reaches for the red wine.
After everyone finishes eating, one of the waiters heads to the table carrying a huge silver covered platter. He tells the ladies it is time for dessert and removes the lid, revealing a mini boombox. The other two waiters join him and he hits play. Simultaneously, the three waiters rip their shirts off. Brig wakes up out of her drunken jet lagged stupor. She drops her blanket and dances in front of the three men in just her thong. Charo seems equally excited as she dances and rubs on the strippers. Ryan is not so excited. In fact, she is mortified. One of the dancers takes her hand and rubs it down his chest, but she will not even look at him. A few minutes later, she excuses herself and goes inside.
Flav sums it up nicely. Ryan is a little girl sharing a house with a bunch of adults. Though she is 21, she has not experienced much in life and things she should take in stride simply shock her. As the group gets ready for bed, Ryan takes the puppy to play since she is not ready to sleep. She says, “I’m going to call him ‘Fatso.’” Including Dave calling the pup “Buster,” that is going to be one confused dog at the end of three weeks!
Dave heads into the room that he is sharing with Flav. He sets up a sleep sound machine and sits on his bed to read. A split second later, Flav is out cold and is snoring so loudly he could wake the dead. Dave just laughs and says in a normal voice to Flav, “You are sawing some serious logs over there! I’ve never heard anything like it!” Flav does not budge and continues to snore. Dave pulls the sheets from his mattress, then grabs his bed and drags it to the closet, where he resets it up and remakes it. He goes back in the bedroom, grabs his sound machine and closes the closet door behind him. This is going to be a long, but entertaining, two weeks.
Tune in next week for another episode of The Surreal Life, where rumor has it, Flav and Brig fall in love. Ewww. Just ewwww.
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