The celebs are back from their naked night at the nudist spa. Apparently, Traci taking her pants off and soaking in the hot tub has changed the relationship between her and Ron. No, they aren’t getting naked together back at the house, but rather, he’s doing zany impersonations and she’s playing with his…. Turtle. Get your minds out of the gutter! The turtle takes a dump on Traci, which prompts Ron into a soliloquy on the pleasures of picking up turtle poo. Yes, this segment has nothing to do with anything, but it’s definitely surreal.
Later in the morning, Traci calls her fiancé to give him a heads up that her bottoms were down at the nudist spa despite her promises of keeping clothed. He gets upset that she got naked, and complains that now he has to explain to his parents why his fiancée was naked in a hot tub with Ron Jeremy. Apparently, Traci’s in-laws will soon be watching her Surreal Life antics when the show airs. At this point, after watching five previous episodes of Traci chasing Ron around trying to catch a glimpse of his privates, I’m thinking that Traci should probably fess up to her man that she has been doing far worse than dropping her drawers. Then again, it isn’t as if her man is engaged to a nun or anything. I mean, she’s a former Baywatch babe who has posed for Playboy. I’m thinking one more nude scene won’t sully her image.
As she gets off the phone, Traci hears someone talking about her. Following the voice, she finds Vanilla Ice in the confessional talking smack about her. He says she’s shallow and materialistic and horny for Ron. All true, but painful for her to hear nonetheless. She listens to his entire confessional, then storms into her room and plops down on her bed, throwing her covers over her. She gripes to Ron and Trishelle that she can’t stand Ice and how he said horrible things about her. Wow. The truth hurts.
While Traci is in her room badmouthing Ice, he overhears and walks in asking, “You talking about me?” Traci can’t hold back that she was eavesdropping on his private confessional – [sidenote: next season get sound proof walls for the confessional] and he initially gets angry. After Traci and Ice both reveal what they think about each other, somehow it takes a turn… as if Ice has been slipped a roofie. Ice completely calms down and apologizes, professing that Traci may be materialistic and spoiled, but at least she’s beautiful, so she’s alright by him.
On the front step sits The Surreal Life Times. In this issue, the celebs find out they each get $50 to go shopping for gifts to give out to their housemates at their last supper. Ron hates shopping, so he begrudgingly follows the other celebs out to the van for a day of shopping in LA. With only $50. I’m thinking this will be the shortest shopping spree ever.
When the get back home, we find out the purpose of the shopping spree was to get the celebs out of the house. While they were gone, a studio set has been erected in the living room, and sitting on the stage in front of a live studio audience is this really scary looking woman that looks an awful lot like Sally Jesse Raphael. Oh wait! It IS SJR and she has really let herself go. In fact, she now looks like a really butch lesbian – not that there’s anything wrong with that. Heh.
One by one, SJR interrogates the group. She asks Tammy Faye how she could possibly live along side Ron Jeremy, renowned porn star. Tammy Faye’s eyes well up with tears, her voice begins to shake, her lip trembles as she tells SJR that Ron is a good person with a great heart and it’s not her place to judge. The audience applauds. Ron looks touched. But not in a sexual way.
Apparently this answer isn’t good enough for SJR as she shows snippets from Ron’s BBQ which was filled with beer, burgers and boobs. Tammy puts her hand over her mouth in shock and SJR says, “So, you still think he’s a good person?” Tammy nods and says it’s not her place to judge his lifestyle, but it was her choice to walk away from a scene that made her uncomfortable. When SJR asked Tammy Faye what she’s going to say when confronted by the moral majority, she said, “I’m going to tell them to suck it up.” Good answer, Tammy Faye.
The next person on SJR’s chopping block is Traci. We see scenes of her chasing the guys around, leaping on Ron and trying to pull his pants down, and her infamous drunken night. SJR asks her what’s with the Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde act. She says, “I’m just being me.” I guess that answer flew with SJR, because now we’re on to Ice.
SJR asks Ice if he thinks he “goes off.” Ice answers that he’s not a ticking time bomb with a short fuse. Video montage of Ice throwing tantrums – oh we all remember when Vanilla Ice told us that he only likes to eat eggs with the yellow and the white. Good times. Ice gets up and gives the audience a live temper tantrum as he picks up chairs, throws the rug and tells everyone he’s ANGRY. He comes back, laughs a little and sites down. Ice explains that he isn’t on the show to be remembered for his past, but rather to show everyone what he is like now. More tears from Tammy Faye as she says that one day Ice will look back on his photo with fondness instead of the anger he does now.
And now… what we have all been waiting for: Sally Jesse gets medieval on Trishelle. We are shown old footage of Trishelle over the last 12 days getting more and more drunk, coming on to Ice and groping Andy Dick. As I watch all of this, all I can say is at least Trishelle wasn’t crushing on Ron Jeremy and trying to grope his… anyway.
Trishelle responds by saying, “I’m 23 years old. I like to drink and kissing boys.” SJR tells Trishelle that maybe she is drinking too much and that by getting drunk she is giving everyone the impression that she’s a slut. The word “SLUT” rings in Trishelle’s ears, and despite Tammy Faye’s protestations that Trishelle drinks because she misses her mom who died when she was 14, Trishelle gets up, tosses off her mic and storms off the stage. After calling Trishelle a slut, the interviews are apparently over… before we get to hear anything about Ponch or Ron. I feel cheated.
Back in her bedroom, Trishelle is packing her things. Ron comes in and tries to convince her that no one is going to think she’s a slut just because she drinks and sleeps around. I just want to say, if drinking and sleeping around isn’t the definition of a slut, then I’m confused. Anyway, advice about sluttiness from a porn star is probably not worth too much. Trishelle then heads in to talk to Tammy Faye and Eric, who make her feel better and convince her to stay. While the celebs are all talking, in walks SJR. Must be time to stir up some more sh**. SJR hugs most everyone goodbye, but even after Trishelle tells SJR that she hurt her feelings, SJR won’t take back her slutty comment.
Time for dinner. The table is set and the celebs are dressed up. At the table they exchange their lame gifts. I would have preferred the $50 bucks in cash. They all go round giving each other kudos and end up singing the cheesy song from play day about loving yourself. Ugh.
After dinner and too much wine later, Ron has fallen asleep in a chair. Drunk and slutty Trishelle decides that dumping a cake in his face would be a good idea. Cake hits face – Ron gets mad. Ron, Trishelle, Traci and Ice all end up in a food fight, demolishing the ugly ugly house they are staying in.
The next morning, Ponch wakes up to find the house in a shambles and is upset and ready to go home. Everyone packs and wonders if they will ever see each other again. My guess is no. For old times’ sake, Ron walks up to Traci and asks her if she would like to see his cock. From his pants, he pulls out a stuffed rooster. Traci hugs him, but for the first time, in a nonsexual way. Her fiancés lecture must have gotten to her. The paper is delivered and the headline reads “GET OUT!!!” The group gets their stuff and one by one, they leave by limo. In his closing statement, as the last to leave, Ron tells us all, “Twelve days is the longest I’ve ever gone without sex.” Traci’s fiancé just let out a sigh of relief.
Another season of The Surreal Life has come and gone. For questions or comments, please feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org