It’s morning again at the Surreal Life house. The birds are singing. Trishelle is hungover. Vanilla Ice is fervently coloring over his picture on the wall. Ponch is polishing his pearly whites to perfection. All is right with the world.
In the coed room, Ron Jeremy sits up in bed and faces a sleeping Trishelle and half awake Traci. Traci covers her head with the blankets and tells Ron not to look at her since she just woke up. Ron leans back against the wall and his hairy man breasts rest on his bulbous belly. He says to Traci, “Why is it that women always try to cover up how they look in the morning? Most men think morning is when women look their cutest.” What I am wondering is why Traci cares whether Ron sees her with bed head and a sheet marked face. I would like to say that she is a complicated woman, but what I know is that she is a simple woman with a crush on Ron. Eww.
Traci takes Ron’s advice and stops hiding her sleeping face. She puts on her glasses and wraps blankets around her as she heads to the front door. On the front step is The Surreal Life Times. She tells the housemates that they are expecting a phone call from an anonymous person, so the group heads into the phone room and waits. Moments later, the phone rings. Ron answers and the caller says, “Who am I talking to?” Well, I don’t know about you, but if someone calls me and asks that, I hang up. I mean, shouldn’t the caller know who he’s calling? Anyway, this is TV… I should get over it.
So, Ron answers, “This is Ron Jeremy and everybody else.” The caller says, “Well, this is Vince Neil of Motley Crue!” [sidenote: I am so glad he isn’t introducing himself as “Vince Neil of The Surreal Life 1.”] Everyone looks excited except Tammy Faye, who I feel sure has burned a few pentagram bearing Motley Crue albums in her day. Vince tells the gang to pack their bags as they are heading to Palm Springs to meet him and his hoochie mama, Leah, for an overnight trip! [2nd sidenote: Didn’t Vince and Leah get a divorce after The Surreal Life 1?]Ron asks what to pack and Vince says after a long pause – “It’s casual.”
The group heads to their room and begins to pack an overnight bag. Shortly after, they head to the van and Tammy Faye appears to have packed everything she owns for one night. Then again, she might have just packed clothes for one night in the little bag she carries and the big bag she lugs to the van could be for her makeup. But that is just speculation.
As the van travels towards Palm Springs, Ponch realizes they are close to a restaurant that he claims has incredible food. The group gets out at “The Farm House Restaurant” whose patrons look like the cast from Deliverance and all of their hillbilly relatives. If you listen very closely, I think you can hear a pig squeal in the back. As the cast walks into the Farm House, they all look a little scared, except for Ponch who is flashing his pearly whites and greeting people as if he is a regular. Groups of people begin to come up to the group and ask for pictures and autographs. In this episode, we see the popularity of the Smart Picture Cellular Phone. Sprint PCS would be proud.
One woman in the restaurant walks up and points at Vanilla Ice and says, “I’ve gotter book widjoo in it.” Like magic, she produces a copy of Madonna’s “Sex” book from 1992, which features erotic pictures of Ice with Madonna. Now, I’m wondering, does this woman keep a copy of Sex with her just in case she runs into Madonna or Vanilla Ice? Does she keep the book with her to show her lovers different positions? Why in the hell was this book so readily available?!! Regardless, Ice takes the book and begins flipping through the pages. Traci says, “Were you Madonna’s boy toy just for the pictures?” Immediately, Ice heats up – yes, shocking that he is showing his temper – and snaps at Traci, “It was just me and her. We were together. Solo. For eight months.” Traci has a stupid look on her face (yes, hard to imagine) and says, “He was flipping through the pages like he was reminiscing. Like it meant something.”
The group gets back in the van and continues the loooooooong trip to Palm Springs. As they drive up, Ron says, “This place looks just like any other fancy resort.” They walk into the lobby and standing in front of the counter are Vince Neil and Leah. There are hugs and greetings all around. Ron asks Vince if it was sad when he had to leave The Surreal Life house. Vince says, “Man, we’re all still in touch. All of us.” Ron inquires, “You even talk to Corey?” Long pause, then Vince says, “No.”
Vince then interrupts the laughter and chit chat, motions to the man behind the counter and says, “I’d like for you all to meet my friend.” From behind the counter walks a resort employee wearing a T-shirt on top, but butt neckid on bottom. Screams and laughter erupt from the group. Ponch tries to pop the man’s pickle with a towel to keep him back. Tammy Faye says, “Bye” and runs from the lobby.
Back at the van, Tammy Faye tells (who I assume is) the driver that she is NOT staying at this nudist colony and she will pay to stay at another hotel to get away from it. The rest of the gang comes out to Tammy Faye and tell her that she shouldn’t do anything she doesn’t want to. She says, “I’m not a prude, but I think that you shouldn’t see people naked unless you are married to them and I’ve listened to all the porn stuff I can deal with this week.” They reassure her that they don’t think she is a prude, not that I understand why that matters, but kiss her goodbye and tell her everything is okay. The producers pay for a hotel room at a nice place across the street and Tammy Faye seems satisfied.
Now, back to the penis room. The group heads back to the lobby where Vince and Leah are waiting. Trishelle tells the lobby employee that his little pickle scared off Tammy Faye. The bottomless man leads them all to their suite and another female employee comes in with a basket of nudist goodies which includes towels and flipflops. She tells them that wherever they go, they must bring a towel, as bare bottoms seated without a towel are a nudist no no.
After everyone changes into swimwear or shorts, and after no one gets naked in spite of Traci’s constant mutterings about how she loves to be naked, they all head out to the volleyball court where Vince tells them that they are playing the nudies in a game. If the celebs win, they get a luxurious lobster dinner. If they lose, they have to get naked and eat with the nudies in the cafeteria. The referee tells the celebs that he will give 1 point for each of them that gets naked prior to the beginning of the game. They are informed that for just removing a shirt, they are awarded half a point. Vince, Ponch, Ron and Leah all take off their tops. Traci, the self proclaimed nudist stays completely clothed. The celebs begin with a 2 point lead. I wonder why Ice didn’t at least take off his shirt.
In the beginning the dressed celebs are beating the freeballers. But soon after, the gang becomes positively mesmerized by flopping penises and bouncing boobs, so the freeballers take the lead. With the score at 12-9 in favor of the nudies, the referee offers the celeb 1 point for every one of them that takes off their top. Again, Ice stays fully clothed, as do Trishelle and Traci. The nudies slam the volleyball three times in a row and seal the fate of the group – dinner in the café sans their clothes.
The group goes back to their suite and cleans up for dinner. Traci tells Ron that she has to wax since she is soooooo going to get naked. He offers to help, but she shoos him from the bathroom. Ice says angrily that he is not getting naked for dinner – that getting naked with your wife on a vacation where you are alone is romantic, but getting naked with a bunch of strangers and men with “pee wee wee-wees” is not romantic. Traci nods emphatically and says that she would get naked, except she has a fiancé. Somehow, Ron manages to get John, Traci’s fiancé on the phone. He basically asks John if he would understand Traci getting naked at a nudist resort. Traci grabs the phone and tells her man she will stay dressed for him. Whatever Traci. You are all talk and no naked. They all get completely dressed and head down to the cafeteria.
After downing a bottle of wine, Trishelle confesses that she’s horny and decides that naked is good. She gets up from the table and comes back minutes later wrapped in a towel. After a couple more glasses of alcohol, she drops the towel. Of course everyone is looking at her. I mean, she is the only naked person at the table! However, this doesn’t stop her from calling Ron a perv for checking out her goodies.
Sticking to his promise, Ron goes and gets naked, too. He had said that if any of the house guests got naked, he would, too. He just didn’t want to be first. Upon dropping his towel, this old gray haired guy sidled up to their table, pointed at Ron’s crotch and said, “Now that’s a penis!” I’m glad that he points that out because all of the celebs and the millions of people that have rented his porns weren’t sure what was hiding behind that gray blurb provided by the producers. Ponch, Ice and Traci stay clothed, though Ponch and Ice give Traci hell about it. I don’t think it’s so much because they want to see her naked (though I certainly am not naïve enough to believe they don’t), but I think it’s more because she’s spent so much time talking about how she loves to get naked and flash people, and as of yet, she’s not shown anyone anything to confirm these statements. Ponch, on the other hand, explains why he won’t be getting naked by yelling, “I’m not getting naked. I’m Eric Estrada! I have no penis!! Well, then yes. Best you stay covered.
After a partially naked cafeteria dinner where freako nudies stood around and videotaped and photographed the naked celebs, the group gets up, some get redressed, and they decide to hit the Palm Springs night life! The van swings by and picks up Tammy Faye (who you will be glad to know has remained fully dressed while away from the nudist resort) and the gang heads towards a dive karaoke bar. No good can come from this.
First on stage is Ponch who reprises his show stopping rendition of “Celebration” as previously performed on ChiPs. Traci and Trishelle grab mics and get on stage with him as his backup singers. Something you must know – not only does Traci never show us her goods because she is a liar and a tease, but also, the girl cannot sing. Baaaaaaaad singer. Bad.
Back at the table, Trishelle and Traci are plotting something. The flip through the song book, make a selection and head towards the stage. Across the monitor flashes, “Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby.” We hear the song begin – dun dun dun dundadundun with the sampling of “Under Pressure” and we know that Vanilla Ice is going to freak out with rage. Traci and Trishelle begin singing the words, completely off key and completely out of time. Ponch gets up very nonchalantly, takes a mic and hands it to Ice beneath the table. Ice mouths to Ponch, “I told you I didn’t want to sing!!” Ponch prods him along, encouraging him and suddenly, overpowering the bad vocals of the girls, we hear Vanilla Ice say:
Jealous 'cause I'm out getting mine
Shay with a gauge and Vanilla with a nine
Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because they're so full of "Eight Ball"
Gunshots rang out like a bell
I grabbed my nine - All I heard were shells
Falling on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car, slammed on the gas
Bumper to bumper the avenue's packed
I'm trying to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene, You know what I mean
They passed me up, confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem, Yo, I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
The crowd in the karaoke bar goes wild! Break dancing and head bobbing ensues! Ponch is out of his seat and clapping his hands! Everyone joins in on the chorus:
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Rob Van Winkle finally let go of the negative part of the past and just enjoyed his history. After his performance, fans crowded to him for pictures and autographs. One guy came up, shook Ice’s hand and said, “You’re just a down to earth normal guy. That’s awesome.” And that’s all Ice needed to hear. Ron summed it up the best when he said, “An original comes into a karaoke bar, kicks back and belts out a song we all loved and remembered. The man that wrote it and performed it. What could be better than that?”
The gang in good spirits gets back in the van and heads towards the resort – but not without dropping off Tammy Faye at her hotel first. Trishelle, Traci and Ron decide to head to the hot tub – where no clothing is mandatory. Trish and Ron drop their towels and climb in, while Traci decides to keep her top on, but removes her bottoms once in the tub. What a weirdo. While in the hot tub, all the nudies, including Trishelle and Ron, are pressuring Traci to lose her top. She says, “I will, I just have to make a phone call.” She gets out of the tub and heads back to the suite… and she never comes back. Ron gets out of the tub and finds Traci passed out in her bed in the suite, leaving Trishelle alone and naked with a bunch of nudists who no doubt know of her affinity for being drunk in hot tubs from her Real World days. The last thing we hear is Trishelle saying, “You’re cute” to one of the horny naked men. Ah Trishelle… way to be yourself!
Tune in next Sunday for an all new The Surreal Life and catch an encore presentation of Sunday night’s episode on Thursday on the WB.
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