I know, I know, you were all anxiously awaiting another of Sher’s wonderfully witty and insightful recaps. Unfortunately Sher’s VCR failed her and she is unable to write this week. That means that you are all stuck with a CaliCap. Not as witty, not as insightful, but it is a recap nonetheless.
As the show opens we are treated to the obligatory “Previously on The Surreal Life” montage. If you are indeed truly interested in this part, please go reread Sher’s previous recaps.
This week starts with Traci telling us that The Surreal Life is a comedy show (thanks Traci) and they should take it on the road (perhaps the freeway at rush hour).
Next we get a shot of Ron explaining mouth to mouth to Tammy. She’s laughing and Ron enjoys her company. He goes and asks for a kiss on the cheek, then pulls the old turn-your-face-quickly-so-you-get-kissed-on-the-mouth move, causing Tammy to laugh harder. I have a feeling they edited out the 3 hours of prayer and 20 minutes of Listerining.
Ron gets on the phone to invite s few close friends to a BBQ.
Eric retrieves the paper from the porch, and the lifers learn that they will be accompanying Tammy to a book signing. Ron bows out, saying he needs to prepare for the party. A party he wouldn’t have scheduled had he known he could have gone to a book signing.
We believe you Ron. I mean there really is no way you could have called the 5 people you’ve talked to so far to reschedule.
Trishelle of all people starts spouting rules to Ron: 1) No nudity in the hot tub 2) No nudity in the pool. Traci says she likes Ron but doesn’t want anything weird happening… unless she’s a part of it.
On the way to the book signing Tammy has the opportunity to hear Ice Ice Baby. She’s just a boppin’ along and singing out loud. She LOVES this song. It’s great! “Go Ice Man”.
When they arrive at the book signing, there are people gathered out side, the store itself is full of Tammy’s followers. The interesting part is that the crowd consists of a lot of transsexuals, cross dressers, gays and lesbians. Tammy is not fazed in the least.
[sappy] I realize that many of you come to read the FoRT recaps for a laugh or two. For both the sarcastic and sardonic remarks that make us giggle. I realize that, yet feel the need to add that Tammy kicked booty at the book signing. She was fantastic, funny and accepting. She had the crowd in tears. Including Eric, Trishelle, Traci and Ice. It was really neat to see[/sappy]
The crowd loves her, and she goes on to tell them a little about living at the Surreal Life House. She says she used lots of perfume and deodorant the first three days, as she refused to shower, believing there to be a camera in the stall.
She told the crowd about Ron living there, and tells them that she didn’t know who he was, but recognized his face from all that channel surfing late at night.
This leads me to believe that Playboy and Ecstasy are not scrambled at Casa de Tammy. Hmmmmmm. Interesting.
Meanwhile Ron is complaining, because after six years in college he is reduced to being a pool boy. He can’t believe he is actually cleaning for this party. He has never done that before. Ron, honey, are we supposed to feel sorry for you?
People start showing up, and pretty soon the party is hopping.
On the way home from the signing, Ice is going on and on about how much Tammy touched him (Ron will be so jealous). He thinks she is great, and she shares personal information about her divorce with the Lifers.
They get home just as Ron is making out with some chick, and apparently checking her breasts for lumps. He’s a hell of a guy that Ron is.
Tammy meets the partiers and most are shocked to learn that she’s actually pretty cool. She’s enjoying herself until Traci decides to announce that it’s time for everyone to get into the pool naked. Tammy departs before she sees any nakedness, but is not happy to learn that she can hear everything from the confines of her room.
After she leaves nudity, butt slapping, booby grabbing and offers to Eric for oral compliments ensue. This, my friends is a classy group of people.
Traci is dying to see not only Ron’s fully naked self, but also all the boobies she can. She insists that she too will get naked as soon as everyone else does. A couple of girls flash, and Traci announces that she’s gonna get naked… Then… Her fiancé John shows up, and Traci runs to him hugging and kissing. She went from being Mrs. Cleavage to being Mrs. Cleaver. While she is stuck to John, she offers to change clothes to whatever he wants her to wear.
Ron is pissed.
Andy Dick shows up and Ron takes him on a tour of the house. He sees Trishell’s picture and admits to knowing the “slutty little biatch”.
Trishelle hones in and sits on Dicks lap while he blows raspberries on her breasts. She announces that it’s cool, because she knows him. Men… well skank loving men…. Who have known her for years start leaving messages on her machine.
Finally the party draws to a close and all the guests leave. Except Dick.
The friends gather around the fire pit, where Traci asks if she can get sunburn from a fire. Yes Traci, so maybe you should go live in a deep dark cave somewhere.
Trish sits on Dicks lap groping and kissing, but quickly moves to hang all over Ice. Ice rejects her drunk ass…again… so of course she goes over and starts making out with Dick.
She leads Dick to her room. She makes out with Dick some more. She fondles Dick. She kisses Dick. She passes out.
Dick is not happy. Dick goes home to play with Dick.
Ice and Eric decide to BBQ some meat, which pisses off leather, suede and fur wearing vegetarian Traci, who tries to prove a point by asking Ice how he would feel if she ate his daughter.
Vegetarians everywhere cringe.
Eric finally gets mad enough to say that he would eat the “tail ass of a north bound cow if that’s all there was left to eat on it”.
Ice is happy.
The two are suddenly in the kitchen with Ron. I don’t know how… I guess they beamed there. Eric gives Ron and Ice a Spanish lesson. Now if the two find themselves in a Spanish Speaking country they will be able to order Rice with Chicken. They won’t be able to order beer: “Cervesa, por favor” or find a bathroom: “Donde esta el bano?”, but dammit, they won’t go hungry!
Rick James shows up because Ron had told him that he is Ice’s hero.
Ice is Happy.
Rick looks at all the pictures on the wall, and announces that they have all changed except for Ice who looks exactly the same.
Ice is not happy.
He bites his tongue as I laugh my butt off.
Ice is happy.
Be sure to come back next week when Sher returns to recap Trishelle and Traci sing Ice Ice Baby at a karaoke bar and Tammy crying at a nudist colony.