Boys and girls, it’s that time again! Time to find out how Ponch the peacemaker is doing, how Angry Ice is, how slutty Traci and Trishelle are, if Tammy Faye has shed any tears and if Ron is running low on lubricant since sharing a room with the lushy twins.
It’s morning again. Ron is sleeping naked again. Trishelle and Traci are running around their room in towels again, but this time, Traci and Trishelle realize he’s naked so they try to pull the covers off of him. Now, I’m confused a bit. I like Ron as well as the next person, but I have no desire whatsoever to see how it’s hanging.
After getting dressed, Trishelle calls home to check her messages. On her voicemail is a message from an ex-boyfriend, who informs her answering machine that he’s not doing very well. Trishelle tries to call him back numerous times, but he never answers. Traci comes in to the phone room and Trishelle tells her about the message. Traci, in her infinite wisdom says, “He called you because he needed you.” Well, duh.
On the doorstep outside sits The Surreal Life Times. The group is informed that they will meet with a psychic to the stars to have their stars read. Tammy Faye nixes the idea immediately, saying her bible tells her to stay away from psychics and prophetlitizers… or is it proselytizers? Oh hell, what’s the word? You know, people that can read the future.
Trishelle is kind of freaked out by the thought of talking to a psychic, too. She says she was raised with the same beliefs as Tammy Faye – however, in Trishelle’s upbringing, I guess they missed the part about being drunk all the time and getting naked with as many people as possible. But yeah, other than that, she and Tammy Faye are exactly alike.
The psychic knocks on the door. She introduces herself to the group as Cheri Mucuso – or something like that. Her fingernails are painted black and she looks like a chubby Marcia Clark from the OJ Simpson trial. She says she will be meeting with each of the pseudocelebs separately, and Trishelle is first.
Seated together on Trishelle’s bed, PsychicCheri takes Trish’s hand and tells her she sees red and she sees black. Yeah, well Cheri, you are sitting in a black, red and white checkered room. I see those same colors without any help from the spirit world. She tells Trishelle that she sees a man and the red could represent anger and the black could represent DEATH. Tears well up in Trishelle’s eyes and she rejoins the group in a freaked out state of mind. Aren’t psychics supposed to be for entertainment purposes? Couldn’t she have just told Trishelle that she sees a lot of happy puppies, and possibly a Playboy spread in her future?
Back with the others, Trishelle continues to grow more worried about her MIA ex-boyfriend. Ice, ever the angry man, gets up and tells Trishelle that it’s all a bunch of crap and to forget about it! Granted, when I recount what he says, I retell it in a much less angry, much less loud kind of way. It really went something more like this: “What the F***!? What a bunch of horse sh**!! She’s brainwashing you and you’re letting her! Don’t F****** let her do this to you! This pisses me off!!!! DON’T BE A F****** FOLLOWER!!!!” And after all his yelling, Trishelle finds Ice very attractive for protecting her from the big bad psychic.
PsychicCheri calls Tammy Faye next for her solo consultation but Tammy Faye says, “No thanks. No way.” Turns out, after seeing Trishelle’s initial reaction to Cheri, no one in the group is hip on the idea of a one on one with the woman, though Tammy adds, “I’m sure she’s very nice.” In the meantime, while PsychicCheri is trying to coerce her next victim into a room alone with her, Traci gets bored and decides the best way to alleviate her boredom and to get her hands on Ron Jeremy is to braid his hair, so she decides to put teeny little braids all over his head, making him appear like a big, fat, long haired ex porn star with teeny little braids all over his head.
Since the solo readings are out, PsychicCheri decides to go straight for the séance. Everyone, except Tammy Faye and Trishelle, goes into this room of the house that has been locked up until now. It’s decked out in heavy velvet red fabric and weird lighting. After a few moments, Ice gets up and goes into the room where Tammy Faye and Trishelle are. He convinces Trishelle to join them, but Tammy Faye heads outside with her bible to do a little reading.
In the séance room, the psychic again decides to focus on Trishelle. Again, instead of success and money in her future, there is more death and darkness. However, instead of being the ex-boyfriend, PsychicCheri decides to kill off Trishelle’s father this time. Dammit woman! Quit being the bearer of bad news!! We want Lotto numbers!!
PsychicCheri tells overly eager Traci that she sees the initials “J.G.” Traci giggles, “That’s my fiancé!” Picking up her cue, the psychic says, “You will be having babies with this man.” Well, duh. Moving on to Ponch, the psychic says, “I see back trouble in your future. Did you used to hang upside down?” He says yes, that he used to hang from one of those weird traction contraptions. That’s all she had to say about that. On to Ice, she says, “You are a good father. You will have another child.” He asks if the bun is already in the oven, but the psychic doesn’t know. Last to be read is Ron. As she’s telling him about love, and how all you need is love, and how love will find a way, and how love is patient and kind, Ron’s eyes get heavy and he begins to snore. I’m thinking most boring séance EVER.
Later that evening, freaked out Trishelle tries to call her ex-boyfriend again and this time he answers the phone! She tells him that she thought he was dead and he retorts, “Stop listening to psychics, dude.” She hangs up, hugs everyone and bellies up to the bar. The night is early and Traci and Trishelle have much drinking ahead of them.
Trishelle starts with one glass of wine, then Ron pours her another. Somewhere in there, her wine glass turns into a big tall pint glass and she is refilling it over and over with wine. Last thing we see is her chugalugging right from the bottle. The girl is drunk.
Drunk Trishelle heads into the living room where Ice is laying on the couch and Ponch is sitting on the floor. She tells Ice that he’s a bleeping bleephole. He sits up and says, “HUH?” She continues telling him he’s an ass for about ten minutes for no apparent reason. Ice gets up and she tries to get him to hug her. It’s a really awkward scene. He tells her to chill and gently nudges her away from him. She looks at Ponch and says, “I want to kiss someone.” Ponch says, “You want to KISS someone? Who do you want to kiss?” Trishelle points at Ice and says, “I’m like, totally in love with him.” Vanilla Ice is shocked! He says, “I thought I always made it clear that I’m happily married and love my wife and kids, but apparently she didn’t hear that.” Ice tries to guide Trishelle to her bedroom so she can pass out, but Ponch seeing how that might look bad after Trishelle’s revelation, steps in and helps her to bed himself. Ron steps in and tries to help her into bed, as any good ex-porn star would – and starts to cover her up with blankets, when she shoves the blankets off and heads to the bathroom where she bows down before the porcelain god and pays homage to her night of drinking.
The next morning, Ponch comes into Ron, Traci and Trishelle’s room to wake everyone up. He says to the girls, “You two have a drinking problem.” In unison, they say, “We do not!” Trishelle says that she doesn’t remember a lot about the previous night, but does remember that she “spilled the beans” about being in love with Ice. Ron gets a shocked look on his face and Traci says, “So what? She’s got a crush. Rob is an attractive, intelligent man. She’s got a crush and he’s married. So what?” Trishelle continues, “Yeaaaaaaah. I’ve got a crush! That’s it!” Ron sits up in his bed, belly lapping over the blankets and he looks completely dismayed that Trishelle wants Ice instead of him. Yes Ron. I’m shocked, too.
The Surreal Life Times reveals to the group that they will be performing a play for 50 kids who will be arriving at 6 o’clock p.m. The receive their scripts at 11 a.m. so they have 7 hours to prepare. The paper informs them that because Ron has a B.A. in Liberal Arts and a Masters in Education (Ron inserts his Masters is in special education) that he has been chosen as the director of the play.
Ron reads out the character list from the script and assigns parts. Ponch will be Prince Fugly, Traci is the Spoiled Snotty Princess, Trishelle is the Wizitch, Ice is the Weirdo Pirate, Tammy Faye is Mutha Gooz, and Ron will be duel cast as the Sofa King and the Hairy Monster, which will require a costume change mid play. The group takes their scripts and leaves to learn their lines separately. Trishelle takes her script, runs to the bathroom, pukes again, then passes back out in bed.
A few hours later, Ron calls for the first rehearsal. Tammy has practiced her rap lines with Ice, who laughs uncontrollably, yet confirms when asked that she would make a most excellent rapper. Ponch tells the cast that they must be very animated and over act. Ice is ironically telling people to chill out and have a good time, all the while yelling that they have to get things done! Ron is pulling a Gary Coleman and yelling about how they need to do a better job while saying they will fail. Tammy Faye just wants people to stop yelling. Back in the house, Trishelle continues to intermittently sleep and vomit.
An hour before the play, Ron calls the first dress rehearsal. Everyone is yelling and running around like… well, crazy celebrities. Thirty minutes before the play, Ice is in the kitchen making him some dinner and Trishelle is still vomiting and passing out. A clown brings the fifty kids up to the house and gets them warmed up for the play. At curtain time, the entire cast is backstage except for the weirdo pirate, Rob. He’s in the kitchen chowing down.
The play begins and Traci, the spoiled snotty princess, tells the kids that she’s being forced to marry Prince Fugly. Ponch jumps on stage wearing a looooooong floppy nose and a big flabby ass and does a little dance. The princess tells her father, the Sofa King, that she doesn’t want to marry Prince Fugly, but is instead in love with the Weirdo Pirate. At this moment, we hear crickets indicating that Ice is still munching away his dinner in the kitchen and has missed his cue. A few minutes pass with the cast on stage frozen in place, when Ice jumps out brandishing his sword! The kids all cheer for the weirdo pirate! I believe his popularity has everything to do with the fact that he looks a lot like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean, eyeliner and all. The play continues with Tammy Faye missing some lines, Ron wigging out about how they all look ridiculous, Traci performing as if she might be up for an Emmy, Ponch overacting and smiling his sparkling smile beneath his floppy nose and miraculously, with Trishelle coming onstage decked out in a black vinyl slutty witches outfit and hitting every one of her lines perfectly.
At the end of the play, the group sings about how you have to love yourself even if you are a drunk, washed up has been with a future filled with limited success, while Ice pretends his sword is a guitar… and pretends that he plays guitar.
Tune in next week for more of this sickly entertaining mess that you know and love!
For questions or comments, please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.