It’s morning again at the Surreal Life house and Ron Jeremy is soundly sleeping, snoring and butt nekkid on top of the covers on his bed. We are spared seeing his privates with the blurry patch provided by the editors, but I believe that the overhang of his belly fat probably would have sufficiently covered everything. Granted, there is a lot to cover, so maybe the patch was necessary. Trishelle and Traci are up getting showered and dressed when Ron sits up, covers himself and watches the two wet, towel clad women walking around the room they all share. He tells us he is trying to think of ways to cause a water shortage in California which would force the two women to take a shower with him. With a plot line like that, it’s clear that someone has been in way too many porno flicks.
Later in the kitchen, Ron and Ponch are sitting at the bar while Ice makes some bacon and eggs for breakfast. After taking one bite, Ice proclaims that the eggs need salt and heads for the locked pantry. Ponch tells Johnny Rocket (his pet name for Vanilla Ice) to stop – that the pantry is off limits, but Ice manages to break into the pantry and locates his precious seasoning. After finding the salt, he says he is now on a quest for sugar. In confessional, Ponch says that Ice has some anger issues and that he thinks the housemates have only been given a taste of how angry Ice can really get. We will call that foreshadowing.
The Surreal Life Times is on the front porch. The gang gathers around and Ron reads that they will be working for charity later that day. Soon after, the doorbell rings. Ponch heads for the front door and sees the silhouette of a tiny little man. Before he even opens the door he yells, “Gary!!” The door swings wide and there stands none other than Gary “What You Talking About, Willis” Coleman dressed in his tiny little Geranimals suit and teeny little patent leather shoes. Ponch welcomes Gary with a hug and brings him into the living room to meet the others.
Gary is acting terribly serious and tells the group that they will be working in a restaurant and that he will be their manager. One by one he takes each housemate off for a job interview. He asks them about past experience and I think to myself that Ron has more “experience” than the whole group combined. However, I don’t think this is the experience about which Gary is asking. After the interviews are over, Gary rejoins the group and tells them their positions for the day. Ron says he’s worked many positions: on top, on bottom, on his side. Gary makes Ponch the busboy because he has muscles. He tells Traci she’ll be the dessert chef, makes Trishelle and Tammy Faye waitresses and puts Ron and Ice in the kitchen as cooks. Tammy Faye is nervous. She did not want to be a waitress because she knew she would be bad at it. Ron is upset. Out of all the possible positions, he did not want to be a cook. I’m thinking the two should trade jobs, but this is never suggested.
The pseudocelebs all pile into the van and head towards Sunset Strip. The restaurant they will be working in is the famous Mel’s Diner. Everyone seems pretty excited to be out, though Ice has a disgusted look on his face and tells us that he isn’t happy about the “Gary Coleman” factor. That it makes them all look cheesy. Now Ice, I don’t know how to tell you this, but this show was cheesy waaaaaaaaaay before Gary Coleman showed up at your door. In the bathrooms, the group finds their uniforms for the day. They come out in costume with their hats and aprons on, and Ice has added a little “flavor” to his outfit by sticking a banana out of the fly of his pants. He offers a banana to Ron to put in his pants, but Ron asks why he would want to make himself look smaller. Ponch and Ice fall over laughing. Ron is totally serious.
Ponch jumps into his job as busboy wholeheartedly. His smile is sparkling as only a Ponch smile can and he’s yukking it up with the customers, refilling water glasses and even cleaning the toilets. I love how he is able to laugh at himself and just roll with the punches. Tammy Faye is obviously having a tougher time. She struggles with taking orders and can’t compute a meal ticket to save her life. Plus – she’s slow. Really, really slow.
Most people in the restaurant had to know when sitting in the pseudoceleb section that their meal would be more entertaining than punctual, and most of the customers took it in stride, but Gary Coleman was freaking out! He was barking orders at Ponch and telling Tammy Faye to hurry up. He continued to stand on his tippy toes to look over the shelf into the kitchen just so he could bellow orders at Ron and Ice about what a crappy job they were doing. After being barked at for a couple of hours, Ice breaks and he rushes out into the restaurant, picks Gary up like a bag of groceries and yells that Coleman is going into the deep fryer! The customers are laughing. The pseudocelebs are laughing. Gary is not laughing. Ponch tells the camera, “I don’t think Gary likes to be picked up.” This cracks me up. I mean, I can totally understand Ice’s compulsion to pick the tiny tyke up. He’s little! He’s begging to be picked up and passed around, right? Ok, maybe not.
Later that evening after Ron has eaten pretty much everything in the kitchen and Tammy Faye has messed up everyone’s checks, in walks none other than Todd “The Willis from Gary Coleman’s What You Talkin’ About, Willis” Bridges. Todd sees Ice in the kitchen and they both yell friendly greetings. Gary wanders over to Todd and unenthusiastically greets him with a handshake and a “wow-did-you-ever-pick-the-wrong-night-to-come-here” hello. Upon seeing Gary and Todd side by side, Ice is overcome with a GREAT idea. He runs out of the kitchen and over to Gary where he again picks him up. He’s compelled I tell ya! Ice begins begging Gary to say the famous line. Pleeeeeeeeeeeese say the line, Gary. Just say it! Gary gets mad, refuses to say the line and FIRES Vanilla Ice. Being fired does not deter Ice. He is relentless in his pursuit of hearing Arnold ask Willis what he’s talking about. After a few minutes, Gary quits and storms out of the restaurant. Well, storm is a strong word. The restaurant was pretty crowded, so basically he just squeezed between people’s legs until he reached the exit.
Outside Gary searches for a cab. All of the pseudocelebs plus Todd come outside and try to get Gary to calm down. Ice asks why he wouldn’t just say the stupid line and Gary retorts, “If I say that line, I lose all of my credibility!!!” Ice tells him that it was just for kicks and that he shouldn’t take himself so seriously. Todd steps in, opens the cab door, helps Gary step WAY up into the cab and sends him on his way. He turns and tell the group, “When he gets like that, it’s best to just let him go.” Back inside, Todd puts on a chef coat and hat and works the rest of the night with the others. I guess we will never know what Willis was talking about as Arnold never asked.
Back at the house, Traci and Trishelle pop open the wine and begin their night of guzzling. We find out that after two glasses of wine, Traci becomes a wild woman! She reveals to the group that if her fiancé would let her, she would definitely be up for a shot in the sack with Ron. Eww. Just Eww. Traci gets up from the table and begins chasing Ice around the house with her breasts hanging out of her low cut shirt for over an hour. Every time she sees Ron, she either tries to pull down his pants to see “the penis” or jumps on top of him and straddles him. She also becomes a Jackie Chan wannabe and begins kicking and hitting anyone in her path. She kicks Ponch, who lets it slide, but that you can tell is angry. She kicks Ron, who doesn’t hit her back, but does knock her feet out from under her. After she gets up, she jumps back on top of him in her bed. Ice comes into the room and sees Traci on top of Ron and asks what the f*** is up! She doesn’t answer but continues on her drunken way of running through the house. This odd behavior lasts well into the night.
The next morning, Ponch gets up bright and early and decides it’s time for some payback. He makes a cappuccino and heads to Traci’s bedside where he tries over and over to wake her up. I believe his attempts fail.
Meanwhile, Tammy Faye checks the front door to find the morning’s Surreal Life Times and two bags of groceries. The group reads that they are to bake brownies with the ingredients provided, then head out in the neighborhood to meet the people who live around them. Traci, Trishelle and Tammy Faye all begin baking, while Ron, Ponch and Ice sit back and watch. Men.
The baking ends up being pretty much a solo performance by Tammy Faye, who not only bakes them, but also cleans up the kitchen afterwards. When the brownies are finally done, she cuts them up and puts them on plates and the group heads out to the streets, treats in hand. The first door they knock on is opened by and older man who is happy to see them. He asks the group if they are thirsty to which Trishelle yells “YES” and begins pushing her way through people to get into the house. Oh how disappointed she must have been when he handed her a water without the scotch in it. The gentleman seems to recognize everyone except for Vanilla Ice. Ice tells him it’s his age, insinuating the man is too old to know him, and the man apologizes. Rude Ice.
Next house the group goes to has a woman with an accent. Ice claims it’s German. I’m not convinced. Anyway, the woman can’t shut the door fast enough, saying loudly she’s busy and that she doesn’t like celebrities! Trishelle drops the plate of brownies on her welcome mat and they head out to other houses. Ice is offended and he lets everyone else know it by complaining like a baby for many blocks about how rude that woman was to say she didn’t like celebrities. We see a montage of other neighbors welcoming the pseudos and thanking them for brownies, but by the time the group gets home, Rob is inconsolable. He’s throwing a tantrum much like the one we witnessed from Gary Coleman earlier.
Laying on his bed, Ice talks to Ponch and the others about how much he hates the image of him from the 90s, how much he hates seeing his picture on the wall from his Vanilla Ice days, how much he hates Gary Coleman, uncooked sausage, saltless eggs, unfrosty flakes – the list is endless… I’ll just stop now. Ponch tries to tell him that he, like Gary Coleman, needs to learn how to be grateful for the opportunities that they had in the past that afforded them the lifestyle that they have now, but that they need to learn to laugh at themselves and get past it. All this talking makes Ice calm down and makes Traci thirsty. She pops open a bottle of wine and the guzzling begins.
Tune in next week for more whine, a psychic and tears from Tammy Faye.
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