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Thread: Episode 1 Recap - Whine, Chips and Porno Tips

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    hellooooooo sher's Avatar
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    Episode 1 Recap - Whine, Chips and Porno Tips

    What do you get when you mix six pseudo celebrities and make them live in a house together for twelve days while they have their lives taped? Some may say, “Bad TV.” Others, like me, will say, “Entertainment.” The celebs will say it can only be described as “Surreal.”

    This season’s “Surreal Life” starts off with a trolley car traveling the streets of Hollywood, picking up the six has-beens one at a time. First stop is at the wax museum where we see the wax figurines of Charlie Chaplin and Televangelist, Tammy Faye Messner (fka Bakker). However, upon watching the wax figures for a moment, Tammy Faye’s blinks! The figure is not wax at all, but rather Tammy Faye of crying-on-television-as-huge-globs-of-mascara-trail-down-her-cheeks-and-cheating-husband, Jim Bakker, fame. I know a lot of people are thinking, “Oh no, Tammy Faye is going to be bible beating and narrow minded,” but I remember her days hanging out with Jm J. Bullock (an openly gay actor) and I remember him claiming that she was one of the most accepting and loving people he had ever met.

    Tammy Faye is still the same tiny woman with big breasts and too much makeup that she’s always been. She seems excited to meet the rest of her housemates, letting us know that no one knows who has been invited to stay in the house this season.

    Next stop picks up this short, fat, long scraggly haired, badly dressed dude. Tammy Faye has no idea who he is, but says that she recognizes his face. Clearly she is just being kind because anyone that has seen any of his movies knows that his face is the last thing you would recognize. The face Tammy Faye can’t place belongs to none other than porn star Ron Jeremy.

    We are shown scenes from Ron’s day prior to the trolley ride. He’s having his head and chest hair died black and tells us that he has his shoulders, neck and back shaved. He also is constantly walking around shirtless which causes me to cover my eyes and scream in agony. This man should never go naked… Ewwwwwwwwww. Just Eww.

    Back on the trolley, Tammy Faye and Ron stick their heads out the window as they drive up to meet their next roomie. Stepping out of the donut shop and into the trolley is none other than Ponch from Chips! Erik Estrada steps in and greets the others without a hair out of place and with a sparkle in his smile. Other than a few pounds, this man hasn’t change a hair! Seriously… every hair is exactly the same as it was when he was cruising down the highway on his bike in Chips! Ponch greets Tammy Faye and laughs when he sees Ron, saying that he easily recognized him from his films.

    Now with the three passengers’ heads sticking out the window, the group drives up to the Chicken and Waffles fast food joint to pick up [cue “Ice Ice Baby” music] former one hit wonder having, eyebrow shaving, first white rapper – Vanilla Ice (aka Rob Van Winkle). Vanilla Ice looks about the same as he did in the early 90s, other than he’s lost the blonde tipped hair and gained a manly physique. He’s covered in tattoos, has his lip pierced and is wearing a ball cap. He greets the gang gangsta style with the mandatory “Yo yo, sup” and chest bang hug. He recognizes Ron right away as well.

    Next trolley stop is in front of a strip club where Trishelle is waiting. Like the rest of the gang on the trolley, I have no idea who Trishelle is upon seeing her. Thankfully, the editors add in a montage of Trishelle’s clips from The Real World – Las Vegas where we find out that Trishelle is a slutty lush. Or a lushy slut. You decide.

    Trishelle climbs aboard and introduces herself by saying she was on The Real World. The others nod and smile and we know that they don’t know her and don’t care. Here’s hoping Trishelle gets drunk and gets busy with Ron. Or… maybe gets drunk and gets busy with Tammy Faye! Now that would be entertaining!!

    Last stop on the trolley ride opens the door to a great looking, big fake boobed former Baywatch babe, Tracy Bingham. Like Trishelle, no one else on the bus recognizes Tracy. However, Trishelle recognizes that with Tracy in the house, she’s going to have some competition for the men’s attention. I guess she’ll just have to be extra slutty for this show. Tracy greets the roomies then says, “Well, I’ve got to jet because I’m due on the set.” She bats her big false eyelashes at them, waves her fake fingernailed hand in the hair, flips her hair extensions and steps off the bus in her pleather pants. Trishelle tells the camera, “She seems a little plastic.”

    Five of the six new roommates head towards the house. I think it’s the same house they used last season – Glen Campbell’s pad – and due to Glen’s current situation, I’m guessing they were able to rent it cheap. The house has been revamped and instead of being kind of cool and campy like last season, this season it is just plain tacky. When Tammy Faye says the house looks like crap, I know it must be bad. The roomies all wander around and figure out that there are only five beds for the six people. Ponch goes into the girliest of all the rooms and stakes his claim. Trishelle decides that since she and Ron are the loudest, that they should share a room. Sure Trishelle… you want to share a room with Ron because he’s loud like you. It has nothing to do with the fact that he’s your male counterpart. Your older, fatter, uglier male counterpart.

    Vanilla Ice stomps around the house and complains about everything. He hates the pimped out bedroom with the big round bed. He hates his Vanilla Ice pictures in the nod to Andy Warhol photo montage of the roomies. He hates that there’s only liquor and beer in the house and no chicken and waffles. He hates that Ponch has taken the best room. Vanilla Ice needs to chill out.

    Tammy Faye decides that she isn’t going to sleep in a bed either, and parks her pillow and bags in the walk in closet of the biggest bedroom. Now, here’s how I see it: there are FIVE beds and FIVE people in the house. Each of these people needs to pick a bed and plastic Tracy can fend for herself when she manages to make it home from the set.

    The day ends with the Ron, Vanilla Ice and Trishelle heading to the hot tub. Tammy Faye heads to sit tubside in some casual jeans and shirt when group can’t persuade her to get in the tub with them. Tammy Faye, I wouldn’t either. Can you imagine all the STDs floating around in that hottub? And you can’t tell me that there is any water hot enough, or any chemical strong enough, to kill the ickies those three have. While they are sitting in the hottub, Ponch tells the camera that he feels guilty about Tammy Faye sleeping in the closet. He heads outside and offers her his bedroom, saying that he and Vanilla Ice will sleep on the floor in the round bed pimp room. She thanks him sincerely and is happy to be sleeping in the only halfway nice room in the house.

    Ponch heads back inside to play pool. (I have to tell you, the felt on the pool table was animal print and though tacky, pretty cool.) While he’s playing, Tracy finally arrives at the tackypad. She asks Ponch to show her around. He points to the pool and says, “They’re out there.” Nice Ponch. You should be a tour guide.

    Tracy walks out to the hot tub and does her meet and greet, waves goodbye and says she’s beat from her day on the set. Now, is it just me or does this girl have to constantly remind everyone that she is still a working girl in the business? All I know, Tracy Bingham, is that I recognized everyone on the show but you and Trishelle – and even though I didn’t know Trishelle, at least I had heard stories about her crazy days on The Real World. That is more than I can say about you.

    After Tracy leaves, the conversation turns to religion and personal beliefs. Tammy Faye tells the group that she loves to minister the gospel and Vanilla Ice says, “You really believe that stuff?” Trishelle says to Vanilla, “You don’t believe in God?!” Vanilla says he believes in aliens. Screw evolution. Screw creationism. Screw the big bang theory. Vanilla Ice has just let us in on the secret to the universe. Advanced aliens have put us here for their viewing pleasure. Tammy Faye covers her mouth and laughs to herself. What I think is funny is a few years back, People Magazine did a story on Vanilla Ice where he was claiming to be “born again.” I guess it didn’t take.

    Back in the house, Tracy walks around with a grimace on her face as if she smells something funky. She claims its Ron’s shoes and clothes. Despite his uggo appearance, Ron has been cool so far, so I think she’s being an insensitive bitch to insinuate he stinks. In her bedroom that she is to share with Ron and Trishelle, she sets up her collection of Bratz doll heads. To me this is creepy, but she says she thinks they are cute and that they look like her. She walks into the bathroom and sees a raspberry colored jetted tub and her grimace turns into a scowl. By this time all the roommates have made it back into the living room. Tracy heads to the living room and puts on her best diva attitude and says, “I will NOT take a bath in that bathtub. It’s raspberry colored and too small!” In unison, the group says, “Take a shower.” Tracy retorts, “But I want to take a bath. I don’t think you understand! I have an image to maintain. I have a particular lifestyle that I like to live! I will NOT take a bath in a raspberry tub!” Trishelle, having downed a few glasses of wine as only Trishelle can, stands up and says, “Oh My God!! I cannot believe you! You are such a diva! This is ridiculous! If you don’t like the bathtub, TAKE. A. SHOWER!”

    Without even being phased, Tracy says, “I don’t think you are hearing me. I want to take a BATH!” Ponch, ever the peacemaker says, “Tracy, what color do we have to paint the bathroom to make it acceptable to you?” Tracy doesn’t even hear the sarcasm in his voice and retorts, “It’s NOT the bathroom! It’s the TUB!!” Trishelle tells her to shut it and Tracy says, “Who do YOU think you’re talking to?!!!” My answer would have been, “A seriously deluded woman.”

    Tracy skips her bath, refuses to sleep in the same room as Trishelle and Ron, and plops herself on the sofa for the night. And no one cares. Except maybe Trishelle who wishes she would have called the couch because as it turns out, Ron Jeremy is a horrific snorer.

    The next day, Ponch and Tammy Faye play the parents and go room to room to wake the children. Outside on the steps is The Surreal Life Times newspaper which tells the gang that they will head to the market for groceries. Now, this sounds like a simple task, but nothing on The Surreal Life can be simple. The van drops them off and Vanilla Ice is shocked to see that this market is not like any market he’s ever gone to. It’s a nice farmer’s market and meat market and everything is fresh and preservative free. Well, screw that! Vanilla Ice demands his Jimmy Dean sausage and frosted flakes and all this market has is some kind of uncooked sausage and unfrosty flakes! The horror!! Ponch takes little Vanilla by the hand and guides him through the store until he is satisfied with his basket of white bread and pulp free OJ. The group grabs their bags and heads home. In the van on the way, Vanilla Ice shows how disgruntled he was with the market by opening the van door and mooning all the passersby. Good thing he’s matured. His wife and kids must be so proud.

    That night everyone gets dressed up to head out to a restaurant for dinner. Except for Tracy, of course, who is “on the set.” The restaurant is Moroccan and though Vanilla Ice seems displeased with the idea of eating something other than Jimmy Dean sausage, he is pleasantly surprised when his food arrives. Must taste like chicken. Tracy arrives late with a bottle of champagne in hand and hopes to bond with the group with this little gesture. Upon hearing the words “champagne” Trishelle knows that she has a new friend in Tracy. The group heads back to the house and pow wows on the sofa. Tracy asks Ron how many women he’s slept with. Tammy Faye puts her fingers in her ears and “la las” while Ron answers, “5,000.” Tracy says, “REALLY???” and Ron says, “Maybe 4,000.” Ponch says, “Lucky man.” Lushy Trishy asks Ron point blank, “So how big is it?” He says “To the floor. No, it’s 9 and ¾.” With this, Tracy perks up and makes it her mission to see this big guy’s big guy.

    Tracy and Ron play pool and she offers up a bet – If Tracy wins the pool game, Ron has to flash her his motherload. If Ron wins the pool game, Tracy has to flash Ron a boob. All I can think is Tracy shouldn’t have made that bet as Ron has a lot more practice with a stick. As predicted, Ron wins and Tracy balks on the bet. Had she flashed him a boob I would have liked her more. By not paying her losses, she just becomes even more unlikable. The gangs heads to bed, the lights are out, Ron is snoring and Trishelle has another sleepless night ahead of her.

    Tune in tonight (1/12/04) for an encore showing of the premiere of The Surreal Life 2. Tune in next Sunday night to see the further adventures of the pseudo celebs.

    For questions or comments about this recap, please feel free to email me at sher@fansofrealitytv.com.
    Last edited by sher; 01-12-2004 at 05:53 PM.

  2. #2
    What do you DO all day? totoro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    The restaurant is Moroccan and though Vanilla Ice seems displeased with the idea of eating something other than Jimmy Dean sausage, he is pleasantly surprised when his food arrives. Must taste like chicken.


    Love your style, Sher!

    I *will* be watching tonight. I had zero interest until now.
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  3. #3
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    Vanilla Ice stomps around the house and complains about everything. He hates the pimped out bedroom with the big round bed. He hates his Vanilla Ice pictures in the nod to Andy Warhol photo montage of the roomies. He hates that there’s only liquor and beer in the house and no chicken and waffles. He hates that Ponch has taken the best room. Vanilla Ice needs to chill out.
    ----------
    The van drops them off and Vanilla Ice is shocked to see that this market is not like any market he’s ever gone to. It’s a nice farmer’s market and meat market and everything is fresh and preservative free. Well, screw that! Vanilla Ice demands his Jimmy Dean sausage and frosted flakes and all this market has is some kind of uncooked sausage and unfrosty flakes! The horror!! Ponch takes little Vanilla by the hand and guides him through the store until he is satisfied with his basket of white bread and pulp free OJ. The group grabs their bags and heads home. In the van on the way, Vanilla Ice shows how disgruntled he was with the market by opening the van door and mooning all the passersby. Good thing he’s matured. His wife and kids must be so proud.
    ----------
    Vanilla Ice seems displeased with the idea of eating something other than Jimmy Dean sausage,

    Vanilla Ice sure was a baby this ep. Hope he grow up a little.

    Great job, Sher!
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

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  4. #4
    Picture Perfect SnowflakeGirl's Avatar
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    Funny, funny recap, Sher! You always leave me in stitches. I missed this last night, but I'm not even sure I want to see the encore tonight, since your recap is probably a trillion times better than the actual thing. Thanks!
    Sending good vibes and warm fuzzies your way..., SnowflakeGirl
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    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    I Can't wait to read this!! I have to go now, but I'll be back
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    Retired! hepcat's Avatar
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    Great recap, Sher!

    Quote Originally Posted by sher

    Vanilla Ice needs to chill out.
    Indeed. The Ice was having a meltdown.

    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    Each of these people needs to pick a bed and plastic Tracy can fend for herself when she manages to make it home from the set.
    Yes! I was fuming about the same thing!

    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    (I have to tell you, the felt on the pool table was animal print and though tacky, pretty cool.)
    We are really on the same wavelength, Sher. I want my leopard skin pool table now!

    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    In her bedroom that she is to share with Ron and Trishelle, she sets up her collection of Bratz doll heads. To me this is creepy, but she says she thinks they are cute and that they look like her.
    I just wrote the same thing in her thread. I swear I didn't read it here first! I thought the same thing, that was really disturbing, not CUTE like she seemed to think it was.

    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    All I can think is Tracy shouldn’t have made that bet as Ron has a lot more practice with a stick.
    Oh, you're bad.

    Thanks for the fun recap, Sher!
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    Combat Missions Fan Wolf's Avatar
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    Nice job, sher!
    I hope Vanilla realizes what a fool he made out of himself by throwing those Jimmy Dean hissy fits.

  8. #8
    Picture Perfect SnowflakeGirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    What do you get when you mix six pseudo celebrities and make them live in a house together for twelve days while they have their lives taped? Some may say, “Bad TV.” Others, like me, will say, “Entertainment.”
    Well, I will second that emotion, sister. I did end up watching the encore presentation and was surprised to find myself enjoying all the Has-Been Hijinx. I was surprised that so much fur could fly on only a first day (and I'm not just talking about Ron Jeremy's errant back hairs).

    I really want to give Tracy Bingham a nice pimp-slap to knock a little reality into that empty plastic Bratz doll head of hers. Her primadonna hysterics were major bugging. But I found Ron Jeremy, Erik Estrada, Tammy Faye, and the Reality-TV-Whore-whose-name-I-can't-remember-and-can't-be-bothered-to-scroll-up-for to be pleasantly down-to-earth.

    Vanilla Ice is clearly the trouble child in this household. I'd be scared to cohabitate with this ticking time bomb of aggression. How creepy was his defacing of his own portrait? I would pray every night for the aliens to take him away.

    Anyway, it was fun, fun, fun. I look forward to watching more of this, but I'm even more psyched to read your future recaps. Woohoo!
    Sending good vibes and warm fuzzies your way..., SnowflakeGirl
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  9. #9
    80's Rule! karna68's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    Trishelle is a slutty lush. Or a lushy slut. You decide.
    Best line of all, great recap Sher!

  10. #10
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    Very funny recap Sher, I caught the encore show and it was amazing. I'm not sure who Tracy Bingham thinks she is, but she clearly doesn't understand that one of the nameless Baywatch crowd does not equal a star in most people's books.

    As annoyed as I was with Tammy Faye during the whole Jim Baker episode (mess whatever) I found her kind of enjoyable tonight. Ron and Eric also seemed pretty neat. This may turn out to be a fun show.

    Ice is clearly in need of either medication or voltage.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

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