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I remember Debbie Allen from her television Fame days, when she was thin and didn’t let Leroy or Coco get away with any crap. Anyone else as disappointed as I was to see that the past 20 years has seen her morph into a tubby ex-dancing diva whose critique style is a copycat version of Paula Abdul’s inane cheerleading and seal-clapping? Ah, if only Mr. Shorofsky was still with us and available to guest judge.
But there’s no use wishing for what can never be, so let’s enjoy the top 16’s group number, shall we? This time out, Tyce D’orio has created a tribal-type dance to the strains of “The Lioness Hunt” from every kid’s favorite Broadway show, The Lion King. Alas, there’s no sign of Pumbaa or Timon – just a lot of body paint and the mysterious presence of a 60-foot long red chiffon scarf that the dancers drag about. It’s not the best group dance we’ve seen, and I suspect that the Broadway version is a bit more entertaining. Simply be grateful that you don’t have to shell out $250 to see our top 16 perform it.
Dance down into the bottom 3
Host Cat Deeley bounds onto our screens, attired in a strapless, seafoam green frock - see, who says you can’t wear those old bridesmaid dresses again? This one even has a bustle. I hope she’s no longer speaking to the friend that made her buy it, but at least she’s left off the dyed-to-match satin pumps that you know was part of the original ensemble. Cat introduces the judges – the aforementioned Debbie Allen is this week’s guest judge, along with standbys Mary “Scream Queen” Murphy and Nigel “Orthodontist? I don’t need no stinkin’ orthodontist!” Lythgoe. They smile and nod with queenly aplomb towards Cat, and without further ado the first two couples are called up on the stage.
The first pairs in the hot seat are Lauren and Neil, & Lacey and Kameron. On Wednesday’s performance show, Lauren and Neil gave us a tango that Debbie admitted was “not smooth”, while Mary wanted them to dance down into the floor. Or was that her previous week’s critique? We’re only into the top 16, and Mary is already repeating herself. This doesn’t bode well for future recaps, folks. Nigel decides to focus on his belief that Neil dances like a man, rather than a nancy-boy. OK, he didn’t actually say “nancy-boy”, and I’m sure that his remarks weren’t a shot at the two nancy-type-boys they’ve already booted off, otherwise known as Jimmy and Ricky. Though one does question the manliness of grown men who end their names with a “y”. Unless you’re Johnny Depp, who can rock that manly yet androgynous thing like nobody’s business. But I digress. Thinking of Johnny Depp can make a woman do that.
Anyway. Lauren and Neil are left to sweat while Cat moves on to Lacey and Kameron, whose quick-step was fun, entertaining, and downright remarkable, according to our judging panel. It was also the least-impressive thing this pair has done to date, but the goodwill they’ve earned thus far has served them well, as they are the first safe couple of the evening. Lauren, who’s celebrating a birthday today, is given the dubious gift of having to dance for her life, along with partner Neil. Mary Murphy admits to being a little shocked as she feels the duo is one of the strongest couples. But as I said last week – an unhappy Mary means a happy viewing audience. So members of the voting public – keep on sending those strong couples to the bottom 3.
Krappy krump
Three more couples gather onstage – Jaime and Hok, Sabra and Dominic, & Sara and Jesus. Jaime and Hok treated us to a wild and wonderful Wade Robson jazz routine, which the judges found to be brilliant, beautiful, and memorable. I wouldn’t have thought this couple had it in them, but they did an outstanding job and are rewarded with a safe pass to the next show. Sabra and Dominic’s rumba earned them a ticket on Mary’s hot tamale train, and Nigel was proud of their effort. They wait while Sara and Jesus’ “krump” number is recalled. What is “krump”, you ask? Well, um…it’s like hip-hop. A lot like hip-hop. With perhaps a bit more stomping. Yet it’s not the same as “stepping”, which Shauna and Jimmy did the previous week. But it’s got a muchkcooler name, anyway. Nigel likes that Sara channeled her inner gangsta, and the judges agree that it was fun and energetic. The pair gets no “A” for effort from the voters, however – they are making their first trip to the bottom 3, while Sabra and Dominic are safe. Sara admits to being surprised, but adds that the competition is getting harder. Debbie gives them a verbal pat on the back and says that America just wants to see them dance solo. Yes, I’m sure that’s all it means.
Enough cha-cha for both of them
Who needs a partner when you can engineer that hot tamale train all by yourself? Well, sort of. Due to partner Jessi’s mystery illness, Russian ballroom dancer Pasha needed a stand-in partner for the cha-cha. Despite the setback, Pasha rose to the occasion and turned in a brava performance – Mary thought it was hot, hot, and MORE hot, and Nigel agreed that Pasha was wonderful. As Jessi was released from the hospital and cleared to dance, she will be required to dance for her life tonight, regardless of how Pasha fares with the voters. Since there is after all a whole hour to kill, there’s ample time for Jessi and Pasha to show off their version of the cha-cha that they labored over last week. No doubt that this pair is stunning together, and I bet there’s not a heterosexual male watching who was able to take his eyes off Jessi in her cha-cha outfit. The Jessi/Pasha cha-cha certainly involves more lifting stunts than the Ample Redhead/Pasha pairing, and it’s too bad for Jessi that she’s a day late and a dollar short. After the dance, Jessi assures us she’s fine, thanks the audience, and admits that Pasha held her hand in the hospital…thereby guaranteeing there’s not a heterosexual female left watching who isn’t crushing on Pasha. I wonder if he can cook, too? At any rate, Pasha’s dance skills were a hit with the voting public, and he is safe this week.
Finally, Shauna and Cedric, along with Anya and Danny, are onstage to hear their fates. Shauna shone in their contemporary number, while Cedric once again fell short of the mark. Debbie Allen thinks he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, but Mary and Nigel have moved on from unhappy all the way up to nasty and bitter. Mary snaps that Cedric is simply not good enough, and Nigel grimly forecasts that they may be saying goodbye to Cedric this week. No, tell us how you really feel. Judges’ darlings Anya and Danny wowed both Debbie and Mary with their hip-hop routine, but Nigel was less impressed and commented that the dance could be their downfall. And as it turns out, Nigel is correct – the voters were underwhelmed by the “dream team’s” routine and they’re headed for the bottom 3. Mary and Nigel have almost comically pissed-off expressions at the news, and Nigel caustically remarks that the five million people who voted got it wrong. Yeah, those of you who support the show by calling and texting in votes? You suck. Or, perhaps, as Nigel says, you just fell for Cedric’s “inspirational” speech, or were overly impressed with the choreography. Hmmm, maybe they can get some not-so-talented choreographers next season – then the public will vote for the right dancers.
White girls can’t dance
It’s dance-for-your-life time, and up first is Lauren, who’s donned a schoolgirl-gone-horribly-wrong outfit and has unwisely chosen to dance to…Kevin Federline. I bet K-Fed is relieved to hear that at least one person bought his CD. The routine, like Federline himself, is weak and lacks effort. Neil is next with Ben Jelen’s “Come On”, which has lots of gymnastics and admittedly, some great moves. Sara opts for Queen Latifah, and her b-girl routine is not quite up to par, but displays plenty of great energy. Jesus is dancing to that ‘80’s club favorite, “What I Like About You”, and it’s not bad, but his rolled-up jeans and ribbed knee-high socks are distracting. Perhaps he thinks that’s what we wore in the ‘80’s. Well, fine, we DID, but not together. There’s a brief commercial break, just enough time for Jessi to swipe a pair of MC Hammer’s old pants and break into her hip-hop routine. No nice way to say it – her solo sucks, period. Danny is anxious to look good by comparison and does some gravity-defying leaps to Elliot Yamin’s “A Song For You”. Finally, Anya appears, decked out in a bizarre black net bodysuit with a blue fringed bra and skirt. Where do they buy these things, anyway? Her dance, to Eva Cassidy’s “Fields of Gold”, also falls flat. It’s a damn good thing for the ladies that there really aren’t any hungry lions backstage.
Brokedown girl goes home
Wow, there’s like 10 minutes left, and we have to squeeze in Fergie and two pompous speeches from Nigel. Speed things up, there, Cat! Cat obliges and quickly introduces Black-Eyed Peas frontwoman Fergie, who’s going to perform her hit, “Glamorous”. Fergie is attired in the ugliest pair of canary-yellow peg-leg pants I’ve ever seen, and damn her to hell, because she looks smashing in them. Keep your eyes on the pants, because you won’t have to witness her horrific lip-syncing job, second only perhaps to Ashlee Simpson’s SNL debacle. But this is Fergie, after all, and it’s SYTYCD, and the fans are more forgiving. Ludacris makes his entrance in his oh-so-glamorous basic black Adidas track suit, and I marvel again at what he must have been paid to grunt a few syllables into his mic while Fergie does all the singing. I have a few baggy track suits in my closet…maybe I can get in on this rapper business (or is that bid-ness?). Surely there’s room in the industry for a white, middle-aged soccer mom?
Finally, it’s ACTUAL results time, and the girls are called to the forefront. Nigel sternly tells the group that the decision was not unanimous, and that none of them put in the expected effort into their solos. Jessi is asked to step forward, and is abruptly told by Nigel that she is being sent home. Jessi claims to be “stunned”, though since her solo was so weak, I can’t imagine why. Maybe the hospital painkillers haven’t worn off yet. There’s the usual video journey, and Jessi says that out of all her experiences, she will remember Pasha the most. Awwww. I wonder if he’ll be extending her the same courtesy when it comes time for him to exit. Or better yet…if he wins.
The guys are up, and Nigel tells them that the decision was unanimous in their case. Neil, he says, was outstanding, as was Danny. As for poor Jesus, Nigel admits that he’s been outstanding in the past, but the other two are better – so he’s going home. Owwch. It would have been better if he’d just had a really bad solo, but instead he’s being told he’s just not quite good enough. A bit hard on the ego, that, and Jesus breaks down slightly and says he’s just happy that his experience has helped others realize their dreams. Not quite sure how that works, but I’m just happy that Jesus is happy.
Next week, just enjoy your 4th of July holiday, alright? The top 14 will be back the following week, and the ever-brilliant Leo will be back as usual to bring you all the quick-steps, tango, rumbas, steps, and krumps – and hey, there’s even time for the hip-hop guys to make up a brand-new style!
Send your gently-used bridesmaid dresses to Cat Deeley, c/o Fox TV. What’s the most a friend’s wedding cost you? PM me.
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