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Hello, my friends! Do you have any idea how difficult it was to bring this recap to you? We had to voyage to strange lands, deal with never-before-seen people, and generally had an adventure worthy of any sea story. In fact, had it not been for a pair of sea turtles, this would not have been possible at all! You say it's late? The journey was long and perilous, comrade! The length is just proof of this, eh?
In any case, welcome to the third season of So You Think You Can Dance, also known as the other Fox talent show with strange, non-American accents. Two of them, as a matter of fact. One of them - Cat - brings us all to speed on just what happened last year. We also get promises of an even bigger season - along with shots of a hot and bothered Nigel, shrieking Mary, and, of course, Sex.
Not off to a good start, are we?
First to face our judges - Nigel, Mary, and Dan - is someone who calls himself Dancing Derrick. That's what his shirt says, though we'd call him something else: a nutcase. He also claims to have danced 22 hours straight ... sure, Derrick, we believe you. Really, we do!
His dance routine seems to consist mostly of jumping up and down and flailing his arms about like he's about to drown. We're beginning to see why he claims to be a local "celebrity." Our judges are unimpressed; Dan says he'd be the life of the party, but not much else. Nigel comes down hard on him, but it's not like he didn't deserve it. Maybe someone should try to make him stop dancing. It'll be for his own good! After all, if he has to receive medical attention for that short dance, imagine if he'll have to do longer ones!
Apparently Derrick really was a taste of things to come - we're soon treated to someone dancing along to Evanesence. Tiffany's version of dancing apparently consists of a few jumps, twirls, and a healthy amount of twisting around on the floor. It is terrible, with a capital T. Nigel actually tries to squeeze something positive from the judges. but all he gets is an awkward moment of silence. And so Tiffany heads off to... the restaurant business. Watch out, Gordon Ramsay!
We will grant, however, that Tiffany didn't appear to be mad. The next girl up does some ballet-ish moves while wearing pink hot pants, striped socks, and a strange top that looks to have been stolen from someone's lingerie drawer. The outfit was bad, and the dancing, if it was to be believed, was even worse. Apparently, her dance routine was about Jesus - how exactly, we're mystified. Obviously, she doesn't make it.
It takes us a while, but we finally get to see some talent. Ballroom dancers Pasha and Anya (it rhymes!) catches both Nigel's and Dan's attention. They perform a smoking hot routine that literally has Nigel's jaw agape. (Didn't his mother teach him not to stare?) He thinks they're hot (we can't disagree), and they should both go to Vegas. Mary leaves us all a bit speechless when she calls the pair the best ballroom dancers the show's ever had. No surprises here; they're both off to Vegas.
What are doctors for, anyway?
After the break, we're told that things had improved a bit, and we're treated to a montage of people making it to the Sin City. As the day ends, we're introduced to Heather. Apparently, she's had hip problems before, and she's ignoring what her doctors said and going ahead with her dancing career. This doesn't sound like a good idea to us, but maybe her tattoos gives Heather a source of knowledge we don't have. The routine itself is pretty good, and the judges are all impressed. Nigel hands out a "well done", Mary calls her a miracle, and Dan gives her the news: she's moving on, along with 32 others.
We must have missed the memo that So You Think You Can Dance is an educational show; they tell us that apparently there are fancy words to describe all those spins and jumps. Who knew? Unfortunately, this educational moment is interrupted by a few more terms introduced by Dancing Derrick. I doubt those are part of any curriculum anywhere in the world. Some of his moves are more appropriate to Walmart or a burger joint. I think we've found Derrick's true calling, haven't we?
Teaching by example
Day two begins with Jenna. She claims she can do any form of dancing. She has a tattoo of her own, which she says is the Chinese character for dancing - or at least, she thinks it is. It probably means "dupe-who-can't-read-Chinese", but who are we to judge?
Back to the dancing! She does a few leaps and twirls, and the judges are not impressed. For good measure, it turns out Jenna is ... a dance teacher! But only for little kids, she says. That makes us feel so much better. Not. Nigel apparently promised he wouldn't be mean, but he can't help it. He basically says Jenna shouldn't be a teacher at all. She leaves with a mix of sobs, whining, and profanity, complete with the logo on the mouth. Ah, yes, the young dancers of America is in such fine hands, aren't they?
18-year-old Chasmar is next, and he has this rather complex choreography all planned out. Sadly, it doesn't fit the music very well. The judges ask him who planned it out - it turned out he did it himself. Not so good. He's sent home in short order.
Day two is apparently turning out rather poorly, with Nigel channeling his inner Cowell and unloading on the clearly unworthy. (It's like Simon Cowell, except Nigel has more wit and isn't falling on tired old cliches.)
Eventually we get Hanna-Lee. She's been dancing since she was a kid, and it turns out back in Israel she was part of an accident where the floor collapsed under her and killed quite a few people. She's fine now, and she can dance reasonably well. No straight yes or no for her, and she's off to join the rest of the maybes in what Cat informs us is a smelly room. Looks like the budget could use a small increase, eh, Nigel?
Talk about strange couples!
Next on the stage is Earnest, who also goes by "E-Knock". At least he doesn't put that on his shirt. But he can dance: a few headstands, jumps off the stage, lots of energy - it's very good. Mary likes it too; the laugh is in fine form so far. He's not yet through to Vegas, though; like Hanna-Lee he's sent down to the maybe room.
Next up is Jamal. He's a dance instructor too, and we're not impressed either. There's a lot of arm-flailing, but it's coordinated arm-flailing, so it's not terrible. The judges aren't quite sure what to do with him. Dan says they'll never be able to put structure on what he does. Jamal says he "sorta" does swing, and Nigel tells him to show him he can. So he heads off to find a swing partner. We'll get back to him later.
Next up is a rather interesting swing dancer, Joel. Why? His partner is his ex, Carmen. Now there's an interesting team! They say all the right things, but we'll just have to see. On stage, it's not so good - and we're treated to the judges dancing along, which is something cringe-worthy in its own right. Joel gets judged first, and he's quickly told no. Carmen is, apparently, a dance instructor! We'd hate to be her student. The newspaper ad apparently said "no experience required", and it's pretty obvious she didn't have any. She doesn't make it either.
A teacher who can do what she teaches - finally!
Another dance teacher - Katie - is next. She's not just a teacher, though - she owns her own dance studio. Which, I suppose, means she's really, really, good. The other teachers haven't been that good, so we'll have to see. She's with her student, Ashley, who she's been teaching since the latter was 11. Katie was supposed to be there just for moral support, but eventually Ashley convinced her to audition as well.
First up is the student. Her outfit is distracting at first - she's wearing a hideous fur vest, if you can call it that - that looks like it's been stolen from a Santa costume. Fortunately, she turns out to be a pretty good. Nigel is impressed, saying she has everything she needs to be a good dancer. Both Dan and Mary approve, and she's off to Vegas.
Next up is Katie. Unlike most of the other teachers, she is actually good. Even better than Ashley, in fact, despite Katie's self deprecation. Nigel thinks Ashley learned from a great dancer herself, Mary thinks she's something special, and Dan says she doesn't have Ashley's gifts, but she's done well with what she has. She gets her ticket to the Sin City too, and they both celebrate like little girls, but you know what? They've earned the right to do so. Well done.
Smoldering is a family tradition?
Stanislav from last year is back, but this time he's only there to partner with his sister, Faina. Whatever the case, she's a good dancer in her own right. She's just radiating a combination of sultriness and confidence that is amazing. She has the judges gushing right from the start; Nigel thinks it was absolutely beautiful, Mary agrees (and gives off another excited laugh), and Nigel then adds that she could go a very long way. We won't argue with that. No doubt about the verdict; she advances toLas Vegas.
Next up is Jamal. Again. He's brought along E-Knock as his swing dance partner. No matter what how hard we try to do describe it here, it's not enough to do it justice. It's definitely ... high-energy, And who knew? The guy can do the swing. There's plenty of excited cheering and yelling from everyone - it's as if everyone decided to act like, well, Mary. (And yes, she's laughing like mad. Did you really have to ask?) It's not the most polished performance, but did we really expect that?
The judges, of course, are all thoroughly amused. Nigel thinks he's a star, Mary thinks he was fun (even if there wasn't much swing), and Dan wants to see more. Who wouldn't? Jamal gets sent to join E-Knock in the maybes.
Sex is probably not getting any
Before we end the solo auditions, we have to bring back a So You Think You Can Dance legend... Sex. For viewers unfamiliar with him, we're treated to choice footage from his appearance last year, right down to Mom. Yes, Sex, he of the long hair, glasses, silly shorts, socks, and goalkeeper gloves, is back. Quick, hide your daughters!
In his pre-interview, he claims that he represents the male sex image (Cat isn't buying it, and neither are we), he has better moves, more training, more enthusiasm - and - in his most preposterous claim - he has hundreds of girlfriends. Ooookay. The man is clearly, and completely, deluded. This year, he's auditioned as a... Latin dancer. Yep, he's nuts.
Compared to last year, it's not as bad, but just about anything would be. It is still terrible; a blindfolded drunk would be a better dancer. Nigel asks the obvious: "Mary, has Sex improved for you this year?" She calls it the least sexiest thing she's ever seen, Dan is left speechless, and Nigel is borderline angry. He says Sex will never be a dancer on this planet, and thinks he is insulting the rest of our would-be dancers by even daring to show up. Sex, of course, disputes this, and says Nigel shouldn't even be a judge. Before long, Mommy Sex is drawn into the fight. Nigel essentially calls her just as nuts as her son, she insists Sex will be a dancer someday. I'm sure that'll happen ... as soon as Sanjaya gets a Grammy trophy. Nigel soon has enough of this, and basically tells both of them to get out and never return. All we can say is... good riddance.
Oh, one more thing before we're done. Remember the maybes? Well, they were taught a jazz/modern routine, which they have to perform after just 30 minutes of rehearsals. Unfortunately, we don't see much of this, and all we get are the results. Surprisingly, E-Knock is out; but Jamal is in, along with Hanna-Lee. The total results? 59 people are heading to Las Vegas! It's not such a bad haul, and I think we can all agree there was a good amount of talent to be found in New York.
Next week, we head off to the Los Angeles and Chicago. Can we get just as much talent there? Stay tuned to fine out!
Pirouette, attitude, contemporary, arabesque. If you can do these moves in that sequence, send us a Youtube video. Drop it to us right here.
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Funny, funny recap, Leo. Good job! 
