Los Angeles and Seattle are tonight’s pit stops in the never ending audition process, and it probably doesn’t bode well that one hopeful dancer knocks the crap out of the camera filming him as he waits outside with a well placed kick. Good job, guy. Tonight we have several repeat performers/offenders show up to re-audition, lots of sob stories, and plenty of silliness from the judges. Also, last year’s Joshua and Katee show up in L.A. to keep the judges company. You know the drill by now: the good ones get sent straight to Vegas, the iffy ones are sent to choreography, and the bad ones...well, we’ve got to have some kind of comic relief, I suppose. So let’s get to it.

The Good
Tapper extraordinaire Bianca Revels is our first repeat, having been cut in season four right before the top twenty. Accompanied by her mom for support, Bianca just knows she’s meant to be on this show and isn’t going to give up. She performs her routine without any music, letting her toes do the talking. There sure have been a lot of tappers this season.

Nigel loves her, calling her the “consummate tapdancer.” Crazy Mary says she’s the best female tapper they’ve had on the show, and Adam gives her a thumbs up, too. Straight to Vegas she goes. Again. Let’s hope she does better than last time.

Calico Sequeira wins the award for coolest name tonight, and I’m placing her under the good category because even though she didn’t make it through with her Lindy Hop routine, she was decent enough and cute as a button. She’s a swing dancer, and judgie Adam is entertained enough to join her onstage for a little swing demo. Not surprisingly, he’s damn good. Joshua and Katee from last season come down to give a pretend critique, and Adam “earns” a ticket to Vegas as he hams it up, crying for the camera.

Slinky Asuka Kondoh is back to try again, this time with partner Ricky Sun. She made it to finals last year before being cut, and tells us that nobody thinks of Asians when “international Latin ballroom” is mentioned. She goes on for about an hour on the subject, and when she’s finally done, Ricky deadpans “I feel the same way.” He’s probably used to being background filler when Asuka is around.

Which is pretty much how the judges treat him, saying that it was so hard to take their eyes off Asuka, they barely noticed poor Ricky up there. Especially Nigel. Nigel’s leering creeps me out, so I’m forced to fast forward though the old lech’s comments. Suffice it to say that she gets sent to Vegas so he can drool over her some more. Ricky is sent, too, as an afterthought.

Cutie Nathan Trasoras tells us that he almost quit dancing because of idiots making fun of him, but his brother urged him to give it one more shot. So he does. And I’m glad! He gives an amazing contemporary performance that reminds me of Travis with all the perfect spins and dead on centering. Trouble is, Nathan’s only seventeen. But have no fear, after the judges drool all over him, Nigel hands him a pre-season Vegas ticket - for season six, to be aired in the fall!

Ex-wrestler Sammy Ramirez takes the stage with his shocking dyed red hair, and proceeds to shock the judges even more with his impressive popping and locking. Dude can even move his scalp. He minutely “ticks” his body so precisely, it drives Adam to declare that “I love you so much!” Wanting to send Sammy on, he asks if he knows other styles, and Sammy replies that he knows a bit of lyrical, ballet, and jazz. After choreography, he’s sent to Vegas.

California blonde Amanda Kerby shares her sad story about her dad, who is afflicted with multiple sclerosis and doesn’t know how much time he’s got left. Amanda gives a decent lyrical performance, but I must admit, I’m not really blown away. Nigel is - but by her looks, more than her dancing ability. He asks if her parents paid for her dance lessons (well, duh) and after she replies yes, he says that they didn’t waste their money and sends her to Vegas. I don’t think good looks will take her far in this competition, but whatever. Nigel needs his eye candy.

You remember Phillip Chbeeb from last season, don’t you? YouTube him, he’s freaking amazing. The rubber limbed popper who was taken out by a bout of pneumonia is back with partner Arielle Coker, a friend girl from school who has her own sad story to tell, about being in an awful accident. But, she’s fine now. Nigel spoils my fun by giving Phillip an instant Vegas ticket (I wanted to see him perform!), but he does take the stage with Arielle in a cute, lyrical/freestyle kind of thing that the judges love. Off to Vegas she goes with Phillip.

Three quickie good dancers: Alexie Agdeppa and Diana Vaden, both contemporary dancers, and Chanel Smith, a ballet dancer. All are good, all are sent to choreography: only Alexie and Diana make it through.

Kelsea Taylor wows the judges with her zany contemporary routine, prompting Nigel to tell her that “Sonya would love her.” Yes, yes she would. Sonya loves the weirdness. Mia comes up with another one of her strange compliments, calling Kelsea a “Beautiful, disastrous weirdo.” Only Mia can say such a thing and not get smacked. Kelsea earns a trip to choreography, then she moves on to Vegas.

Kuponohi'ipou Aweau gives Cat fits as she tries to pronounce his name. She fails. Fortunately, he goes by “Pono” for short, which is much easier to type. Pono explains that his name means “child of cherished honesty” in Hawaiian, and he gives a nice contemporary routine. Not nice enough to go straight to Vegas, though - he has to go through the choreography round first. He makes it.

The Bad
Brynelle and Xavier Blanton are brother and sister, but act more like a dating couple, making them come across as fairly creepy with all the hand-holding and hugging. And the kissing, let’s not leave out the kissing. Unfortunately, they don’t redeem the creepiness factor with their dancing. And I use the term dancing loosely. They roll about the floor, he makes lame attempts to lift her and spin her and....it’s just a trainwreck. The judges toss around terms such as “childlike” and Xavier offers that he’s gone to ballet school. Really, they should have shown the name of the school onscreen so everybody will know not to send their child there. Sheesh.

Sucky dancer number two comes in the rather large form of Debra Lawson, who claims to be torn between her love for dancing and her religion, orthodox Judaism, which prevents her from dancing on the Sabbath. Oh, and she’s not allowed to dance in front of men, which obviously leaves a career as an exotic dancer out. As if. Nigel tries to kindly point out that she needs to choose movements suited to her body type, while Adam helpfully chimes in that he feels closest to God while he dances. Not surprisingly, she’s sent home.

Then we have Suzanne Somethingorother, who performs a “fairy medicine dance” for us all. Someone’s been hitting the bong a bit too much, I do believe. And here comes John Fleming, who looks like an extra from Night of the Living Dead, and dances like one, too. Rounding out our terrible trio is Michael Han, a chunky guy that the judges deem “too girly.” All are sent home to ponder their life choices.

Stacey House gives us a rather spastic pop and lock dance complete with a goofy moonwalk, which sets Mary to giggling. Nigel has to put a stop to it, fearing it will never end as Adam asks if she’s had any real training. She babbles something about living on a farm, but I wasn’t interested enough to take notes on it.

And here’s Kevin “Shakiro” Cormier, who fancies himself the male Shakira. Well, sure, if Shakira was shaped like a cantaloupe, wore the most unflattering pair of white mom jeans I’ve ever seen, and couldn’t flippin’ dance a lick. Ol’ Kev attempts to shake what booty he has, causing Nigel to raise his eyebrows in disgust and Mary to look as if she’s about to hurl. Can’t blame her. It looks like Kevin is wearing a diaper under those mom jeans. I know this because the cameraman felt it necessary to give me twenty close-ups of Kev’s crotchal area, and I am so done with this guy. Ugh.

Not quite as frightening but still stinking the joint up is Christopher Keller and friend, who perform what he calls a mix of Argentine tango, international tango, and East Coast swing. Doesn’t that sound special? It wasn’t, trust me. Mary and Mia giggle as Mary tells them “That was not good dancing in any way, shape or form.”

Nick “Nasty” Salzman is up next, and he’s an aspiring tattoo artist. It’s good that he has that to fall back on. He actually starts off with some decent break dancing, but runs out of energy and just stops. Out of breath, he tells the judges that he used to be able to go for hours but can only squeak out five minutes nowadays. Don’t they have medication for that?

Anyway, he backtalks Nigel and makes a total ass of himself on stage. Mary tells him that she would have said yes, but he was such a tool that she changed her mind. Mia comments that if this is how he treats the bigwigs, how will he treat his co-competitors? Home he goes.

Dmitrious Bistrevsky is a 6'6" supposed B-boy who should really take up basketball or some such. He attempts to hip hop to some kind of speed/death metal, and Nigel has to put a stop to it before the boy injures himself. Mia says she couldn’t enjoy it for fear he was going to get hurt, and Mary utters the word s***, earning a bleep. Then Nigel tells her that she can’t say s*** on TV, getting another bleep. This goes on for a while, making all the bleeps more interesting than poor Dmitrious’ dance.

This brings us to Leonid Knyshov, a skeevy Ukranian who recovers data from damaged hard drives and runs several websites for a living. One of them helps people improve their online dating profiles, and there were some insinuations about a call girl he hooked up with. Ugh. He twirls, he flails about the stage and it’s soooo bad that the judges decide to pit him against the biggest waste of time this show has ever seen: Sex.

...And the Ugly.
I saved this section just for him. The clueless twit who keeps coming back like a bad fungus, the dork who Nigel told last year to never come back, the guy who can’t dance to save his life: Sex. Yes, he’s back, for the umpteenth time. With all the sex appeal of a wet dishrag, and with mommy in tow yet again. Really, were there not enough talented dancers in Seattle that they had to waste a good twenty minutes of show on this crap?

In what is honestly one of the top five dumbest things I’ve ever seen on TV (and I watch a LOT of reality TV), unsexy Sex is up against skeevy Leonid in a dance off. Well, it would be if either of them could dance worth a damn. Sex rolls on the floor, does the worm, Leonid leaps and spins. The judges vote, and just when you think it couldn’t get worse, Nigel sends Sex to choreography.

No, really. He did.

Supposedly it was to give Sex a reality check, dancing among people with real talent. Which might have worked, if Sex had any sense of himself and wasn’t a delusional freak. So he completely tanks in the choreography as expected, wasting our time, his time, and the other dancers time. Of course, he doesn’t get the message, promising to come back. Really, now. We’ve had quite enough of this guy, it’s not even funny anymore. If I see him creeping around for season six, I’m writing FOX.

And so thankfully ends the audition rounds. Next week is Vegas, where it finally gets down to the good stuff. Join us as the lovely Critical and iguanachocolate recap all the fun for you.