It’s the last results show before the last results show, and what better way to show off the skills of the final 6 – those six being Sabra, Lauren, Lacey, Pasha, Danny, and Neil – by turning them into zombies in leftover Waterworld costumes and having them escape from a giant fishing net? It’s another fine acid flashback courtesy of master choreographer Wade Robson – not exactly good, but like the aforementioned flashback, it will leave your mouth slightly agape and cause you to stare unblinkingly at the TV. So tune in, turn on and drop your expectations, baby! ‘Cause you have to be in the zone in order to enjoy the remaining 4 minutes of results and 51 minutes of filler that is your SYTYCD results show.
I’m so relieved that host Cat Deeley survived the crow attack. You know, the one that ruined her perfectly nice black satin cocktail dress – I mean, the feathers are still stuck to her bosom, but other than that, she looks none the worse for wear. She’s a trooper, our Cat is. She introduces our judges, and as a reminder - since it’s been five days since we’ve seen the performance show - this week’s (last week’s?) guest judge is effervescent dance coach Debbie Allan, along with mainstays Mary Murphy – who has apparently been swallowed by a zebra – and Nigel Lythgoe, who’s all father-of-the-bride in a pale lavender tie with matching handkerchief in his breast pocket. Apparently we’ve all been wondering what happened to Cedric, so Debbie gives us an update, which is coupled with a self-congratulatory pat on the back for her largesse – she’s enrolled Cedric in her dance academy, provided him with housing, and is even letting him hang out with her. The audience dutifully claps, and Debbie segues neatly into an introduction of another protégé, one Titus Fotso. Titus is here to give us a demonstration of African dance, which he does very well indeed – but please, executive producer Nigel, don’t add this as a dance form next year. We don’t want to see some poor Russian ballroom dancer have to attempt anything like this.
Time for the final six solos, which count for nothing on results night. It all makes me long for the days when they had to dance for their lives, but there’s no point living in the past, and besides, Cedric was a part of the SYTYCD past. Yes, some things are best forgotten, after all. Sabra is up first, dancing to “I Gotcha” from the Fosse soundtrack, and she’s very good as usual. Lauren is next, with Pat Benetar’s “Heartbreaker”…and she looks just like an ‘80’s-era aerobics instructor – the routine and costume is something like you might see at a fitness competition. Lacey is the last girl, flopping about to Lillix’s version of “What I Like About You”. She tells Cat afterward that she forgot her steps and made up most of her solo routine on the fly – and you know what, Lacey? Even I could tell.
It’s the guys’ turn, and Pasha is shirtless to the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies’ (the most fun band name, ever) “Zoot Suit Riot”. A leering Cat asks him if it was wash day – but as pronounced in Cat’s charming Birmingham lilt, it sounds like “warsh-day”. Neil tones it down to Rob Thomas’ “All That I Am” – not one flip tonight, though he does pull off a really cool falling-backwards move. Danny has scored the final spot once again, and cavorts about the stage to that friend of reality talent shows, Robin Thicke’s “2 The Sky”. I suppose it’s good, but as is usual with Danny, he leaves me cold and unmoved. It might not be a bad thing if you skip doing your warsh next week, Danny.
Krumpin’ all over
Ah, the sheer goodness of the SYTYCD producers. Not to be outdone by American Idol and their AI Gives Back campaign, Nigel and co. are sending SYTYCD choreographers out to “LA’s Best” dance program to train inner-city dance teachers. The kindly and esoteric Mia Michaels, along with Shane Sparks (to provide the street cred), are tapped to teach the teachers and spread love and joy to the ‘hood through dance. Hey, it couldn’t hurt. The final six are also trotted out for a photo op, and we’re left to marvel at the generosity of SYTYCD. It’s a special time in the show, quickly ruined by Cat’s announcement of a krumping demonstration, to be performed by choreographer Lil’ C and his posse. And you know what? I still can’t really tell the difference between krump and hip-hop, except that it appears krumping involves harder, jerkier movements and more crotch-grabbing and posing. Plus, you have to try to look really, really mean. It’s been about an hour since I saw it, and I’m still feeling a little afraid.
How to clear a room in one commercial break
It’s elimination time, and the girls are up first. Cat announces there was ten and a half million votes, then sends Lacey to safety, leaving Sabra and Lauren to sweat it out a bit longer. Next are the guys, with Danny being declared as the first male finalist, and Pasha and Neil are left to wait – while Cat throws everyone out. Yes, friends, the producers feel that they need to “protect the integrity of the vote”, because the results are THAT important. And they don’t trust any of this shrieking bevy of teen girls, who are just dying to get home and post who’s in the final four on their myspace page. So Cat sweetly tells the studio audience to file towards the exits, who bleat complaints as they shuffle into the street. Hey, it’s not like they had to buy tickets, after all.
Nice guys and girls finish last
So who’s left to hear the results? Well, there’s Cat, the dancers, the judges, and the crew. The SYTYCD studio in lockdown is a sad, scary place – I almost expect the Phantom of the Opera to swoop down and snatch up Cat. There’s no point in prolonging the drama without an audience, so Cat rapidly announces that Sabra is the second girl in the finale, thereby sending Lauren home. Nigel verbally pats Lauren on the shoulder, saying she perhaps peaked a little too late, and both Mary and Debbie have kind words for the perky young contemporary dancer. Lauren takes her ouster with good grace, and even skips off to the loser’s chair. The guys are next, and Neil is in the finale, leaving Pasha out. The judges give the gallant Russian a liberal tongue-bath – Nigel gushes that Pasha was not only a wonderful partner, but a warm, charismatic guy and a charming gentleman. Mary is moved to tears, as Pasha was a favorite of hers, and Debbie tells him that this is just a beginning, perhaps seeing a Barishnykov-like acting career ahead of him. It could be worse.
It’s dance fever this week, with the final performance show on Wednesday and the finale on Thursday – so warsh your legwarmers, buff those jazz oxfords and don’t forget to check out the urbane wit of Leo’s performance recap – and remember, America only gets it wrong when your favorite doesn’t win, so don’t forget to vote!
Anyone know how to say, “Farewell, my Russian prince” in Russian? PM me.