Okay, so the title was a blatant ploy to get you to read my recap and a total ripoff of that Driver's Ed classic Blood on the Highway. Well, since you're here....I can’t believe it’s already time for another episode of Skating With Celebrities. It seems like just yesterday that Bruce and Tai moved into first place, Deborah and Kurt went home and in a desperate move, Dave put on a dress. It wasn’t pretty. Not even with half a bottle of tequila and squinting (I would imagine). Tonight we’ve been promised some very dramatic medical crises. I’m betting on one of the following: a) hang nail b) chapped lips c) ingrown hair d) brain tumor (okay, so I couldn’t think of a fourth minor medical malady <---- intentional alliteration, ha!).
It’s time for a little story! About ten years ago, I went to see the Figure Skating Hall of Fame in Colorado. Yes, there is such a place. It’s not Cooperstown…..actually, to a certain segment of the population, it probably is. Anyway, it was basically what you’d expect – pictures of skaters, skates, plaques, etc. My favorite part was the costumes. Throughout the museum, they have costumes from various skaters displayed on headless mannequins. I was disturbed by the headless part until I started imagining the Madame Tussaud-esque slant the whole thing would take on if they had, say, a wax model of Brian Boitano in his costume with those fake, glassy eyes. Creepy. The point of this story? Twofold: 1) We’re down to four pairs this week, folks. I’ve got to pad this recap somehow. 2) Scott Hamilton. See, one of the costumes they have at the Hall of Fame museum is the one Scott Hamilton wore when he won the gold medal in 1984. At first, I thought it was a costume for Gay Ken, but no: it was life-sized. Scott can skate like nobody’s business, don’t get me wrong. All I’m saying is that he’s a wee little man. I could put ‘im in my po’ket (<---lame Cockney accent)
Aaaaanyway….. On to this week’s show! Here come Scott and Summer to welcome us to this week’s show. They do the usual shtick about magical moments and disappointing stumbles…blah blah blah. Whatever. This would be the filler we’ve all been waiting for. I refuse to play their game, so I won’t bore you with it.
Scott tells us that the skill the pairs must add to their routines this week is a side-by-side jump. They must still also complete the dreaded traveling, one-legged lunge, which was last week’s required element. The theme this week is “Songs from the Top 40,”which really could go either way. I’ll tell you right now, if they start playing anything by Destiny’s Child, I’m out.
Kristy and Lloyd
In spite of last week’s rough routine, where Kristy fell AND got her chin smacked on the ice by Lloyd, she and Lloyd are still working hard and trying to add more challenging moves to their repertoire. Props to her for sticking with it and not chickening out on the scary moves. Choreographer Renee Roca tells us that they’re working on a big lift, but it’s not ready yet. Lloyd says they need to work on something that’s a bit easier, but still looks good. Kristy, aka “Crash” says they need to do “big stuff” to stay in the competition. Will they be able to pull it off and stick around for another week? Will Kristy make it through the routine without needing a CATSCAN? Let’s find out!
Biker chic seems to be the order of the day and Kristy and Lloyd are working the black leather. There are lots of fake – and real – tattoos…. I’ll leave you to figure out whose are real. They skate to Tal Bachman’s “She’s So High,” which isn’t really a tough biker-type song, but they look good, so I’m not going to quibble. Plus, Lloyd has nice arms. Right from the start it’s clear that Kristy is getting much surer of herself on the ice. No wobbling this week. They do a sequence of waltz jumps and move quickly into a lift where Lloyd spins Kristy around. This time, he’s holding her above waist level. No way he’s going to be knocking her head on the ice this week. They do really well and even complete a pretty respectable death spiral that moves from two hands to one. It’s on to another lift and they finish the routine strong. Kristy and Lloyd are all smiles and look very comfortable skating together.
The more I see Lloyd on this show, the more I realize that he’s is a really great pairs skater. This should be obvious since he won a world championship, but he did it with his partner, who is also a great skater. I’m really impressed with how Kristy has come along and how he subtly helps her the whole way through the routine. Or maybe I’m just gaga over those biceps. Could be either one.
The judges say:
Dorothy Hamill: I loved it. You really brought it to a new level. Kristy, your skating improves every week. You really had some hotness together. I think you just cranked up the heat on this event. Scores: 9.3 / 9.4
John Nicks: Pretty good. (Lloyd bows and scrapes) I liked the death spiral and the spin. Excellent. Lloyd, you’re known for your aggressive personality and you translate that to the ice. I appreciate the way you have worked with Kristy - she’s really improving. Well done. Scores: 9.3 / 9.5
Mark Lund: Wonderful program. Your confidence has really grown, Kristy. The waltz jumps were nice and very difficult. You prove, as an adult skater, that anyone can do this. Scores: 9.1 / 9.3
Total Score: 55.9
It’s the highest score of the show so far. Lloyd and Kristy say they’re feeling good and confident. Lloyd says that, for right now, he likes judges.
Jillian and John
Jillian is learning all about the ironies of skating. Ice hurts when you smack your face on it and it helps to numb the pain afterwards. The very accident-prone Jill is covered with bruises and now it looks like she may have cracked a rib in practice. They send her off to the hospital to get x-rays. Luckily, there’s nothing broken or cracked (yet) and Jill heads back to practice to work through the pain. John is concerned that Jill’s injuries could prevent them from continuing.
Clad in biker-ish/rock ‘n roll garb: jeans for both, a little black bra top for Jill and a sleeveless tee for John. This time, the music matches the costumes a little better and they skate to “Trouble” by Pink. They do a really good lift where he flips her up over his shoulder and then skates with her on his back (looks better than it sounds). You can definitely see how solid Jill is on skates. I tried to really pay attention to the routine, I swear. I spent most of the time fanning myself. Is John getting better looking? How is that possible? In pairs skating, I think the point is that you’re supposed to watch the woman. John could be skating with Scott Hamilton and I wouldn’t notice. Amidst the fanning, I did see them complete their side-by-side jumps. They finish off with that lift that Lloyd has been shown doing with his partner, Isabelle. You know the one: he lifts her over his head and she makes like an ironing board as he spins around. Scott says the routine was “awesome.” I’d be humping John’s leg at this point. This is probably why I don’t have that job.
The judges say:
Mark Lund: Wow! You two look so hot together on the ice. Plus, look at Jill’s abs! I like that you took my advice and worked on your collective timing. The split into the flip jump was very nice. Scores: 9.2 / 9.4
Dorothy Hamill: Fantastic! Your skating is incredible. I’ve seen pros that don’t do as well as you two. The choreography was interesting and fun and a good blend of technical and artistic. Scores: 9.5 / 9.5
John Nicks: My two friends are a little carried away with this. (cue the inevitable audience booing) It was a good performance. It was well done. The throw jumps you did – five in all – were a case of unnecessary repetition. (The other two thought it was nice) You’re one of the favorites in this competition, but you’ll have to get something very special if you want to win this thing. Scores: 8.9 / 9.4
Total score: 55.9
Dave and Nancy
Dave and Nancy’s disco routine two weeks ago sucked eggs and, while they did redeem themselves with last week’s Motown drag show, they’re going to have to work hard this week to stay in the competition. Practice for these two is a regular yuk-fest, but Nancy knows that they need to work on more risky maneuvers and Dave’s a-scared. We should just call Dave “Crash II” because he’s had more broken bones than Wile E. Coyote. He’s sure the waltz jump will be the end of him and Nancy is worried that he won’t do the jump when they perform on the show.
As soon as these two start their routine to OutKast’s “Hey Ya!,” it’s obvious that they’re not skating at the same level as the previous two teams. Dave still looks pretty awkward, especially in his arm movements. He’s still taking all of his cues from Nancy…which is probably what the other celebs do with their partners, but you can’t tell they’re doing it. To me, this feels like the routine from a few weeks ago when they did a lot of skating, but no actual skills. Even the costumes look very similar: she’s in another blue skating dress and Dave is in a matching blue shirt and black pants.
I guess it was better this week, but not better than the other two teams that have already skated. They’re clearly at a disadvantage when it comes to the big lifts and throws. They do get the side-by-side jumps completed and Dave doesn’t fall on his face or require medical attention, so that’s a relief.
The judges say:
John Nicks: The phrase “from the sublime to the ridiculous” comes to mind. Last week was actually ridiculous, but this week wasn’t sublime. This routine was a little uninteresting. You’ll have to do better to next time…if there is a next time. Scores: 8.5 / 8.4
Mark Lund: Last week was so entertaining. This week: not so much. Dave, you’re basically a hockey skater and you have improved but, there needs to be more program in your program. Scores: 8.8 / 8.8
Dorothy Hamill: I think your team work is fantastic. Even though I can see improvement in your skating and you look like you’re having a blast out there, you had two tough acts to follow Score: 9.1 / 9.1
Total score: 52.7
Since they now have the lowest score, Dave and Nancy move to the Hot Seat. This means that both John and Jillian and Lloyd and Kristy will be back next week. As if you were actually worried. We’re at the 40 minute mark and we only have one more pair left to skate. Just when I start to wonder how they’re going to fill that time, they cut to commercial. Well, that takes care of another 2 ½ minutes.
Bruce and Tai
Filler alert!: Scott’s backstage doing an interview with Bruce and Tai. He asks Bruce about figure skating. Bruce’s sage wisdom: keep your face off the ice. From the look of that shiner Bruce, you aren’t taking your own advice. Bruce says that figure skating isn’t for sissies. Tai tells Scott that Bruce is a workaholic and is wearing her out. The interview, mercifully ends and….it’s already time for another *coughfillercough* commercial.
Aaaaand we’re back. More about Bruce and the decathlon and some lame stuff about old dogs learning new tricks. Cut to footage of Bruce careening around the ice. Bruce really is improving dramatically and they did get the highest score last week. But, just when things are looking really good, Bruce hits the ice head first like a dart. He’s off to the emergency room for 16 stitches above his eyebrow. Of course, they give us the obligatory very dramatic moment where we see blood splattered on the ice. You know the producers practically wet themselves over that shot.
Bruce and Tai slow things down a bit and skate to “Inside Your Heaven” by Carrie Underwood. It’s like the Reality TV equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle. Tai looks as lovely as always in a light blue skating dress. Bruce is in black pants and a shiny blue shirt. They do a jump sequence and it seems like old hat since they did waltz jumps a few weeks ago. Throughout the routine, you can see Tai talking Bruce through everything. The celebs who were partnered with pairs skaters definitely had an advantage. They do a nice move where Bruce guides a “reclining” Tai around the ice. He’s so mesmerized that he guides her right onto the riser behind the ice. She does a little run and hops back to the ice. Pretty good recovery on that one.
The judges say:
Mark Lund: I have to admit that it took a moment, for me to realize she was off the ice. It worked. Scores: 9.0 / 9.2
Dorothy Hamill: You guys give me chills and goose bumps. It’s not enough that we ask you to do all this stuff, but you have to smile and look beautiful and NOT look like you’re not concentrating and working hard. Loved it. Scores: 9.2 / 9.3
John Nicks: Well, you always look like you try so hard. You persevere and you’ve got a good feeling with each other. However, Bruce you are so stiff without any softness. Your knees should be smooth, like shock absorbers, and yours give you a bumpy ride. Bruce agrees here, saying he knows his knees aren’t what they used to be. Scores: 9.0 / 9.0
Total score: 54.7
- Kristy and Lloyd – 55.9
- Jillian and John – 55.9
- Bruce and Tai – 54.7
- Dave and Nancy – 52.7
Dave and Nancy go home! A relieved Bruce tells Tai that they’ll be practicing tomorrow. She protests, saying she needs a day off.
Dave tells Scott that the show has been a blast. He thanks the audience for their support, and then thanks the other skaters and the staff on the show. Nancy says that she’s had a great time and that Dave has worked so hard. She thinks the show could be great for skating and that’s why she wanted to be a part of it. Dave thanks Nancy for putting up with him. He says that, from now on, he’ll be wearing figure skates...... at the hockey rink. I think that’s best Dave.
Next week: We’ve only got two shows left, which means that next week will determine which two pairs are going to the finals. The judges will play DJ and choose the music for our pairs. It’s the most intense episode yet! You’ve watched it this far, you might as well stick it out to the end.
Will Lloyd body slam Sir John Spoilsport next week? Critical@fansofrealitytv.com