Hasn’t the airline industry taken enough of a hit? 9/11, layoffs, mergers, bankruptcies…Don’t the poor people in air transportation deserve a break? Well, apparently FOX couldn’t give a flying funk what these beleaguered folk have been through, and have now sent a new catastrophe to hit the flying business: Paris & Nicole.
Fighting Like, Well, Cats and Dogs
The show starts off with the girls accosting their fellow Greyhound passengers, trying (unsuccessfully) to get (old, unattractive) strangers to hook up with each other. Oh yeah, this is comedy, Baby. Anyway, I doubt they are on a real Greyhound bus, with real Greyhound passengers…otherwise where is the requisite Guy Reeking of Bum Wine Who Will Fall Asleep On Your Shoulder And No Matter How Many Times You Push Him Off His Head Will Inevitably Loll Onto You Again And Again?
This week’s host family is the Ritchey clan (no relation to Nicole, except in homophone), a perfectly normal looking group of folk in Ambler, Pennsylvania consisting of a Mom, a Dad, cute daughter Janice, even cuter younger brother Jason who says that since he just broke up with his girlfriend he plans to “flirt a lot with the girls” (too bad he wasn’t around last episode, a mere $5 would have gotten him a nipple twisting), and one other brother with Wendy Pepper hair that FOX doesn’t even grace with a name caption. Would it kill them to put one little graphic up? God, the people at FOX are such jerks.
The girls arrive at the house and everyone chats amiably. Nicole finds out Jason plays hockey, mentions she was a competitive skater herself and says they should skate some time. Aww yeah, he is so in! Nicole introduces the dogs: Foxy Cleopatra, Honey Child, and Tinkerbell. The Ritcheys, wouldn’t you know it, are cat people…and aside from the calm kitty Paris is petting, there is one other that is “special”—cut to wall portrait of a fluffy white kitten in a tiara that is apparently from the veterinary facility Janice works at. “She’s not right in the head,” the Ritcheys inform us, which coincidentally is how someone may have described me for volunteering to write about this show for another season.
So it’s been established, there is a crazy cat on the loose in the house where Paris & Nicole’s high maintenance pooches are staying. Before long, there is barking, whining and general commotion from behind a couch where Foxy has apparently met the cuckoo cat. Cut to: Nicole and Janice rushing Foxy to the bombastically-named “Regional Center for Injured Pets” where they discover Foxy has suffered “trauma to the eye” (in other words, just a scratch). They head home where they lie in their twin beds pondering what tomorrow has in store. “Good night, Silly,” Nicole tells Paris. “Good night, Billy,” Paris dutifully responds.
How to Push Tin Like an Heiress
Janice wakes the girls up bright and early to get them out the door by 7am, and Paris & Nicole are uncharacteristically compliant (they are going pretty easy on this family, they either really like them, or are too tired from the last Jujitsu fiasco to act up). Shockingly, there is no complaint of tardiness when they arrive at Lehigh Airport and are greeted by their new supervisor, Larry, who looks like a cuddlier, avuncular version of Harvey Keitel. He informs them they’ll be working “on the ramp with an active airplane,” then sends them off to put on warm but bulky, safety-colored and reflective uniforms. They emerge dancing with the bright neon colored sticks that air traffic controllers use to guide planes in. “I feel like a raver,” Paris deadpans. Nicole asks her boss if he ever uses the kneepads they’re wearing—oh ho ho, you saucy little minx, you.
They head out to the runway where Larry instructs them on how to wave planes in. He looks like a conductor at the symphony. When it’s the girls’ turn, Paris waves as Nicole rubs her booty suggestively, as if to say, “Park that big hunk of metal on this landing strip, Big Boy,” which is, coincidentally the first thing I ever said to my husband. (Haha, just kidding, Mom, if you’re reading this. Who am I fooling, not even my Mom is reading this sad recap [weeps, as tumbleweed blows through Simple Life forum].) But I digress. “Good job,” Larry tells them, after they place huge blocks in front of the plane’s wheels. Well smack my ass and call me Sally, did I actually hear this guy say “Good job” to the two mavens of on-the-job mayhem?
He speaks too soon. The girls’ next task to unload people’s baggage and here’s where it gets ugly. They carelessly toss baby carriers and suitcases and boxes of who knows what brutally onto the tarmac (there goes the jar of Grandpa’s fruit preserves you cradled in your favorite sweater for the plane ride home) and they spank suitcases like their little bitches as they ride down the conveyer belt (oh no, I sense a new fetish fad coming on: people into luggage—oh yes, smack that Vuitton valise, do it, Baby yeah!) all before the stunned eyes of the poor passengers to whom that baggage belongs—not to mention Larry, who runs out, horrified, and upbraids them for upsetting the customers. He yells for them to finish unloading pronto, which the girls do; however, they open someone’s suitcase (I hope it’s a woman’s) and take out bras and panties which Nicole slips on over her uniform before proceeding to do a wacky dance. Now if I was the passenger to whom those knickers belonged, you’d be damn sure I’d be on FOX to buy me some replacement chones, you dig?
Larry says the girls embarrassed him in front of the passengers and all his crew (and he signed up for Simple Life thinking Paris & Nicole were going to become promising new air traffic controllers?), and they must redeem themselves. He sends them to clean out the toilet. The girls flip open the Lavatory Access chute which reveals a little door covered in the distinctive blue stain of airplane toilet water, to which they must attach a hose that will then suck out “the good stuff” as Larry calls it, with disturbing alacrity. Paris hoists up the hose in which you can see waste sloshing through, and giggles. The girls are enjoying handling all this poo just a little too much. “In the operation of ‘Honey Bucket’ they actually did a good job,” Larry says, impressed. Did he really call it ‘Honey Bucket’? Aw geez, ah…I think I just threw up a little bit.
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
Well, the girls got into more trouble driving some vehicle on the runway but I missed what it was because I was too busy puking and trying to scrub the scatological residue of “Honey Bucket” from my mind’s eye. The next thing I know they’re back at the Ritchey homestead and Nicole is playing up Foxy’s eye injury, claiming that the Ritchey parents should let Foxy sleep in their bed tonight. When Mom and Dad rightfully balk at the suggestion of them sleeping on the floor to make room for Foxy the teeny Pom Pom, the Ritchey kids back up Nicole. “Mom, have you ever been bitten in the eye?” Jason asks, “Then you don’t know what this poor dog’s gone through.” Ha, no wonder Paris & Nicole like these kids. Nicole flashes an innocent smile; Mom and Dad acquiesce; finally, Nicole tucks Foxy Cleopatra into the Ritchey’s big, comfy bed, while Mom and Dad squish themselves uncomfortably into the downstairs sofa bed for the night.
View from the Top
Day 2 at Southeast Airlines, and Larry decides the girls are not good at working the ramp, and guesses they might be better at “Customer Service.” If by that he means “servicing” some customers, then yes, judging from One Night in Paris I know at least Paris can do an adequate, if not spirited, job at that. He presents them with their uniforms, a dowdy suit with an oh-so-seventies neck scarf. The girls immediately ask for scissors, and perhaps having viewed the “Maids” episode of last season, Larry firmly says “Don’t start on the scissors…This is a professional office, thank you.” Upon leaving Larry’s office, the girls simply ask another employee for his scissors then head to the restroom to work their magic.
When they look suitably slutty, they exit the Ladie’s room. Larry lets out an exclamation that registers as shocked but not disappointed that they disobeyed his uniform orders. “You look better than you did in your ramp uniform that’s for sure,” he says approvingly. I just hope good ol’ Larry doesn’t call his lady friends “Honey Bucket” in moments of intimacy.
The girls get to work at the ticket encounter and the (totally fresh, spontaneous and unscripted!) hijinks ensue. Nicole calls old geezers “Gorgeous” and “Sexy” and offers to kiss them goodbye; she asks an older couple checking in together if they’re “just [bleep]ing each other or are you married?”; they ask one creepy, shifty looking guy who comments on their ripped skirts if he’s getting “turned on”; finally, they tell one guy there’s no seats left but they’ll let him sit in the lavatory for a discount, “and I just cleaned the [bleep] out myself” Nicole assures him. I hear they call that the “Honey Bucket” special.
At the gate, Nicole gets on the microphone and announces passengers getting off the flight, e.g. calling one couple the “Brad and Jennifer Aniston of Allen Town” and asking if one chunky dude is “Colin Farrell” or just his twin. Then they get on board the airplane, check the overhead bins, ask passengers if they want lap dances, thank them via the announcement system for riding “South Central Airlines” and invite folks to join the “Mile High Club” in the lavatory before sending them off with a heartfelt “We love you bitches.” In the end, Larry was quite pleased with his little Honey Buckets, so much so that he gives them a B+ (that’s right, plus!) and the full $100. “Great work,” he tells them. That’s the kind of quality service you get at Southeast Airli—what? Huh? The airline has closed down!!! Coincidence? I think NOT!
Skating on Thin Ice
Work is done, time to relax. Paris chills out at the crib and decides to write a get-well song for Foxy with the nameless brother, while Nicole heads out to the skating rink with cutie patootie Jason.
Song for Foxy Cleopatra: “You hurt your little eye/We’re glad you didn’t die/You’re cute/You can fit in a boot/Tinks and Honey love you too/Please stop eating your poo.” Are these the masterful songwriting skills that will be in evidence on her forthcoming album? Oh, please excuse me while go off to Amazon right now to pre-order it!
In the car ride to the rink, Nicole asks Jason how old he is. When he answers 14, Nicole appears shocked. “Oh, you are? I thought you were 18!” Awww, too bad. Nicole is too smart to go down on statutory—wait, I’m sorry that came out wrong. Anyway, at this news Nicole’s demeanor changes from predatory to sisterly (not before asking if he “hooks up with older girls” and if they “sleep over”, questions which Mom is none too pleased to hear), and as they skate in the rink, Nicole takes on the role of concerned older mentor.
In between teaching him spins, and showing off her skills on the ice, Nicole unearths the truth about what happened between Jason and ex-girlfriend Kayla. When Jason confesses that Kayla broke up with him due to some rumors over his being unfaithful, Nicole insists on speaking to the girl herself, and calls Kayla over to the skating rink. Kayla comes and seems as if she can hardly believe she is really in the same room with Nicole Richie, then they have heart-to-heart girl talk. Nicole handles her conversation with Kayla seriously, not cracking jokes, but instead really trying to understand what happened between her and Jason. Nicole sticks up for Jason, saying she believes him when he says he didn’t cheat, and then sweetly adds, “And you’re so pretty, who’s he gonna cheat with.” It ends with Kayla reuniting with Jason, and a big group hug with Nicole included (probably the closest Jason will ever get to a three-way with Nicole in his entire life). It’s a Hallmark moment [sniffle]. Nicole: healing wounds and mending relationships! I smell a new talk show in there! Oh wait, no, sorry, that’s just a Honey Bucket.
Time for the girls to depart, and it’s quite friendly; I really think they had a special rapport with the Ritcheys. Nicole thanks them kindly for letting Foxy sleep in their bed the other night, and she leaves Jason with this sage, sisterly advice, “I hope you get back together with Kayla because I love her and she has really big [bleeps].” Oh FOX, did you really need to bleep those out? I mean, you let “Honey Bucket” go, but you bleep out “boobs”? Whatever. Anyway, that’s it for tonight.
Honey Bucket. Honey Bucket. Honey Bucket. Thanks, I had to get that out of my system. Email me at snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com.