Have you ever gotten an incredible feeling of déjà vu? It’s really weird, but I get the feeling we’ve all been through this before. You know, Paris and Nicole get lost, they finally meet a new host family, they then report to a job where wacky hijinx ensue. Is it just me? Or have you ever gotten an incredible feeling of déjà vu? It’s really weird, but I get the feeling we’ve all been through this before. You know, Paris and Nicole get lost, they finally meet a new host family, they then report to a job where wacky hijinx ensue. Is it just me, or have you ever gotten that funky feeling you’ve been through something before—what is it called? Yeah, déjà vu…
A (Not So) Perfect Circle
Many of us have felt for some time now that this series has been going around in circles. Well, this week’s show starts with Paris and Nicole literally going around in circles, in their pink pickup, of course, lost and confused in the great state of Texas. They are looking for their next destination: a small town by the name of Spicewood (must everything be a smutty phallic joke on this program?). I’m assuming it’s small, because the girls stop several times to ask for help and find that no one seems to know where it is.
Luckily, one guy at the tire shop pulls out a map and gives the girls labyrinthine directions, which the girls attend with all the attention span of Paris’s Chihuahua (imagine thought-balloons over their heads filled with Hermès Birkins or Jimmy Choos, perhaps a few hypodermic needles for Nicole). About the only thing they retain is that they have to get on the 35 South, which naturally they have no clue how to get on.
They decide to take a detour, but find that it goes around the same area. “Oh my God, this is a circle!” Paris exclaims. You know what, joke all you like about dumb blondes, but you have to applaud Paris for being able to recognize basic shapes. Despite shouting for help from clueless pedestrians as they pass by, Paris and Nicole end up circling the same route four times before they decide they need to pull over. A kind man offers to show them the way, and this time finding the freeway is a snap. “We should have a car to follow all the time,” Paris says, as if the producers didn’t already have someone doing this the whole time. Schyeah right.
When we first meet the Bahm family, Denny, the man of house, says, “We’re not what you would consider the stereotypical biker family.” Well, you people with stereotypes, get them out of your head. Sure Denny’s living in a half-finished house with trailers in the distance, in sin with his girlfriend Loni and a son that may or not be his, sporting a voluminous handlebar moustache, wearing a t-shirt that reads “Still Plays with Motorcycles,” and appears to be using both the front lawn and the front porch as one vast garage for his multitude of motorcycles, but don’t you go on making assumptions about him because of that! That moustache is no stereotypical biker moustache; it would be equally at home on a nineteenth-century Irish pugilist, or a leather daddy in a gay bar, okay? Geez, some people and the judgements they make!
Actually, the Bahms seem to be a cool family. Loni describes the family as laid-back, and Tyler, her 14-year-old, says that Paris and Nicole shouldn’t have any problem fitting in, “It’s not that hard, we don’t have that strict of rules.” He adds that he’s looking forward to the girls’ visit, as there isn’t much “action” in a small town. It’s a word you kind of suspect should have “girl-on-girl” or “hot, unshaved” preceding it, but nevertheless. “Bring ‘em on,” he says, echoing the sentiments of many an adolescent boy across America, who could very well be the bulk of the 9 million or so viewers watching this FOX fiasco.
When they finally arrived at the Bahm residence, Paris is confused as to where she should park the pickup. Nicole tells her just to pull up to the lawn, and when Paris seems unsure, Nicole snaps “Everything else is on the [bleeping] lawn, I’m sure you can put your silly wheels on it.” They walk up in pretty strapless dresses (Paris with a pink fur capelet), with the pooches in tow on leashes, and sit down for lemonade with Loni and Tyler. Loni tells them Denny is still at work at the Harley shop. “That’s hot,” Nicole proclaims, causing the first awkward pause of the episode.
Nicole tries to recover by asking Loni what she does, and Loni answers that she is basically Tyler’s chauffeur these days, what with school, football practice, and his booming social life. Nicole naturally focuses her chicken hawk gaze on the admittedly adorable Tyler, and asks if he has a girlfriend. When he answers no, the girls both retort that they will help Tyler find a girlfriend. “Or laid,” Nicole adds. Awkward pause number two, if you’re keeping score at home.
Tupac Shakespeare, Yo
It turns out that Tyler, who is in the ninth grade, has some homework to do. Paris and Nicole enthusiastically offer their help. “We’re smart,” Paris says in the plural, as if she and Nicole had to combine their brains in order to qualify for their genius IQ. At any rate, the first assignment they “help” him with is a monologue from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet that he must perform for English class. Nicole decides he should perform it as a rap. “You should go ‘Yo yo’ instead of, like, boring.” Yes, Nicole, because Shakespeare is so boring his works have remained a vital part of the literary canon centuries, which I’m sure is nothing compared to how long Chingy’s oeuvre will endure.
Nicole then shows Tyler how to “rapdance,” and the poor, dear, obviously ultra-white child does his best to simulate an MC’s blustery swagger as he reads, “What light through yonder window breaks…yeah.” Nicole interrupts him regularly to remind him to keep throwing “yeahs” into the tightly constructed meter of Shakespeare’s monologue. Somewhere, the bard’s ghost weeps.
Next up, Tyler says he’s got a physics quiz tomorrow. “Pop quiz?” Paris asks. Yes, Paris, a pop quiz the teacher tells you you’re having. I don’t believe in violence, but if I were within arm’s reach of Paris, I would slap her upside the head, just to see if it could joggle her walnut-sized brain back into place. Tyler reads out one of the physics questions, and the girls’ response is deathly silence, followed by blank stares, concluded when Paris declares, “I hate homework.”
Night falls, and Denny returns home on a big, impressive motorcycle. After greeting the girls, he says that some of his friends are coming over to take them to get drinks and dinner, and the girls happily see this as a cue to slip into something sleazier, as befits a biker babe. They exit the trailer to the rumbling of Denny’s biker buddies, a whole fleet of middle-aged guys who might be accountants or carpet salesmen, ride in, decked out in leather gear as if told by producers to come looking the part of “biker gang.” A big, pervy-looking dude enthusiastically asks if any of the girls needed a ride. Surprisingly, Paris and Nicole hesitate, appearing repulsed, and opt instead to just meet them at the restaurant, and drive over in their pickup themselves. Looks like these girls actually do have standards for what they’ll put between their legs!
They end up at The Cedars Bar and Grill, a paper tablecloth kind of place. Denny assures the girls, “We’re not the old school biker trash that you probably heard of. We don’t rape and pillage anymore.” Ha ha, sexual assault is funny, is it? Paris reveals that, in fact, she owns a bike of her own, at home. For a moment, I am as impressed as Denny appears to be, until Paris starts to describe it, “It’s a chopper…pink with leopard skin print. Dolce & Gabbana do, like, leopard, so it’s like a Barbie bike.” Move over Harley-Davidson, Dolce & Gabbana are taking over the biker biz!
Nicole coaxes “Sunshine” (her new name for Tyler) to perform his hip hop rendition of Romeo and Juliet. She coaches him like a crazed stage mom, reminding him to gesture with his hands and bend at the news. She even gets him to stand on a chair in the middle of the restaurant, and when he’s done, he gets wild applause from the crowd. “Whoever thought homework could be so much fun,” Denny ponders. Provided it’s not physics, Paris and Nicole are happy to tutor our nation’s youth and mold lives. They go to bed with a great feeling of satisfaction, spoiled only by Nicole’s complaint that she hates always having to reach up to turn off the bedlamp though it’s only one arm’s length away. How lazy is she? At home does she have a special servant who scrambles about turning off lights for her?
Waxing and Whining
At breakfast the next day, Denny gives the girls instructions to go see “Jesse” at a place called “Lonny’s”. “How old is he?” Nicole asks, and Paris nearly spits out a mouthful of food laughing that that is the first question Nicole asks of every man (Michael Jackson, are you listening?). Denny asks Nicole to describe her ideal boss; it turns out to be someone who will let her do whatever she wants, give her tips, and not make her do anything. Denny laughs that he could use a boss like that, and hey couldn’t we all?
Jesse turns out to be a woman, and the owner of a beauty salon called Lonny’s in Austin. Please willingly suspend your disbelief over the fact that this woman is allowing Paris and Nicole to work their without being properly licensed, and come with me into the private room in the back, where we will watch as Paris and Nicole try their hands at manscaping.
Yes, manscaping. Today the girls will wax the back of man with a rather, um, vast expanse of back as well as an unfortunate abundance of fur. He is also, according to Jesse, particularly sensitive. As Jesse explains what the girls will have to do, Paris, in particular, looks disgusted at the task to come. Bama, the man in question, waddles in and asks if they’ve done this before and if it will hurt. Nicole lies with no hint of deception or remorse that yes, they have and no, it won’t.
Disrobed and lying on the table, Paris and Nicole trim his fur coat with shears before applying the hot wax. Nicole applies the strip, and then roughly, but firmly, rips it off—causing Bama to emit a high-pitched squeal of pain. This happens repeatedly, we hear pained cries from Bama, and his whole body jolting as Nicole rips strip after strip off his back in a haphazard pattern.
Jesse comes in to check on the progress. “How gorgeous does he look?” Nicole asks. A tight shot of Bama’s red, tender looking back, with odd patches of baldness and fuzz, is the stuff of nightmares. Jesse warns them about the screaming being heard from the room, and asks them to please take this more seriously. Nicole takes it seriously all right. When Jesse leaves, Nicole turns into a total depilatory dominatrix, abusing poor Bama, ordering him to tell her she’s his “favorite waxer” and even waxing the back of his legs for no reason whatsoever.
Extreme(ly bad) Makeover
Jesse returns and pulls the girls aside for a lecture. “When someone’s screaming, it’s probably not a good idea to keep ripping strips off their back.” Jesse decides Paris and Nicole might be better at administering a makeover, and so introduces them to their next
victimclient, Karen, a sweet but admittedly mousy-looking brunette who wants to try something new for her boyfriend’s 50th birthday. Karen appears skeptical as to how much experience the girls have had as stylists, but Nicole allays her fears by assuring her, “We’re gonna make you a hot, sexy bee-yotch.”
In the chair, Paris shows Karen several different hair color options, but talks her into going blonde, natch. “Blondes are hot,” Paris declares. Before you know it, the highlighting cap is on, and Paris and Nicole are picking out strands. A close-up reveals that this road trip has been rough on these girls’ nails—they need manicures, stat!
Paris says that she loves being at the salon because you get to gossip with your hairdresser. In that spirit, Nicole tries to make conversation with Karen employing her trademark charm, asking questions like, if she has any tattoos (no) and if she’s ever had any lesbian experiences (no, but she has lesbian friends). The girls are excited to see the blonde come up. “You look like Barbie,” Paris exclaims (does her family own stock in Mattel or is this her only frame of reference?).
Jesse instructs them to apply toner which, to their dismay, makes the hair less “Barbie” than they’d wanted. “You ruined it,” Nicole shouts out to Jesse. This gets another time-out, and Jesse lectures them on never talking negative in front of a client, even if there is a horrible mistake like hair inadvertently turning purple. I personally would prefer a little honesty from my stylist, but that’s Lonny’s policy. Paris and Nicole defend themselves by saying Karen knows they’re kidding, and they love her. “Let’s just hope she loves you after the haircut,” Jesse shoots back.
Back in the chair, Paris and Nicole double-team Karen: Nicole is at the back, cutting her hair, while Paris is in front applying makeup. Karen is alarmed when she hears giggling from behind. “Why are you laughing?” Karen asks. Nicole just continues laughing, saying “I don’t know.” She is right to be alarmed. There are two professionals you don’t ever want to hear chuckling, and that’s your hairstylist and your gynecologist. It just ain’t right.
Paris goes back to see what Nicole has done back there, and silently asks Nicole what she has done. “How short is it?” Karen asks, slightly more panicked. “Not that short. It looks really cute,” Paris retorts, showing she’s not as good a liar as Nicole. They play circus music as Paris completes the makeup job, and Nicole blow dries her hair and finishes styling.
Time for the moment of truth: they swing Karen around to face the mirrors and see the stunning result. “You look like a rock star,” Paris and Nicole opine—well, maybe a horrible amalgam of Marianne Faithfull mixed with pre-botox Keith Richards. Karen yelps in surprise/astonishment/horror when she sees herself, and says, “I look like I got hit by a truck!” Jesse comes over and does an artful dodge, saying, “You look like a whole new woman” to Karen’s face; though, later Jesse confesses to the camera that she thought Karen “looked like a hooker.” Karen’s boyfriend comes to pick her up and doesn’t recognize her. He stumbles over looking dazed and uncertain, even when she calls out to him.
Denny comes over to the salon to check on the girls’ work, and finds them sitting down brushing each others’ hair. Nicole comes up with the brilliant idea of “getting the grey” out of his moustache, and talks him into letting them color his handlebar. When they get to the reveal, we discover they bleached his moustache out to about 40 times lighter than the hair on his head. Denny has become the two-tone man. His reaction, however, confounds me; it turns out he really likes it! Jesse gives the girls $100 and bids them a fond farewell. Fond because they are finally leaving, I’m sure.
Denny escorts them home, where Loni and Tyler await them on the porch. As the three walk up, Loni breaks out into laughter at the bleached moustache. That’s not all. Denny takes off his bandana to reveal a surprise mohawk. Denny says, diplomatically, that Paris and Nicole did not find their calling at the salon and should “continue what they’re doing.” You mean sponge off Daddy’s money? Will do!
Back in the trailer, Paris and Nicole are laughing about how much their bed stinks. “A big stink bomb,” Nicole chortles. Like Jocasta in Oedipus, I don’t think it will do me good to inquire any further, so I won’t explore the “stink bomb” any more than this. As they settle in for the night, Nicole claps and wouldn’t you know it, the lights turn off. They’re so happy they came up with a solution for the back breaking work of turning off their bed lamps—only drawback is they spent all their salon money on buying the Clappers! I'm guessing this is how they get stuck in Texas. Oh you zany heiresses! 1431 miles to go.
Have you ever gotten a feeling of déjà vu? Like you’ve already been through something before? Send your questions, comments and—Hey, have you ever gotten a feeling of déjà vu? Like you’ve already been through something before? Send your questions, comments and déjà vu experiences to snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com.