Just when you thought you wouldn’t be able to continue your life without another episode of The Simple Life, FOX miraculously finds some “lost” footage to splice together for another rip roaring, side splitting, utterly inane episode involving the ridiculous antics of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.
The show opens with Paris going through her clothing, possibly folding/possibly wondering what drug she was on when she bought them, and telling Nicole how she’ll have to wait until she gets back to LA to do all her dry cleaning. Nicole reassures Paris they must have dry cleaners here in Altus. Paris thinks they might only have laundromats, which leads Nicole to ponder what exactly a laundromat is. Paris explains it’s a place where people go to wash their clothes when the don’t have a washer, but she’s only seen them in movies. Nicole can’t believe something like this exists. I’m sure Nicole probably just figures she throws her clothing on the floor and then it magically winds up pressed and hung up in her closet.
Later on (again this is all spliced “lost” footage so who the heck knows if this is even the same day let alone the same week) the girls are getting ready to go out. They put on outfits which I’m sure cost about $500 each, but they should have known they only had to walk down to Sunset Blvd and pay some street walker $20 for something just as nice. Albert Leding kindly checks the oil in the truck and drives it around to make sure everything is ok before they head out. (Hiya, Mr. Foreshowding!) Once at the club, the ladies look on as the patrons do some fierce line dancing. Obviously Nicole and Paris are above this kind of low class entertainment and decide to mix it up by choosing their own music and getting down with some town folk on the dance floor. Honestly, this is just a ploy for FOX to show some Paris and Nicole skin in order to keep the viewers interested.
On the way home (although the girls have totally different clothes on, so this writer doubts it is the same night) the truck starts smoking on the highway and the girls have to pull over. (I knew you had a purpose Mr. Foreshadowing!) The truck starts backfiring and the girls run screaming refusing to drive the thing one more inch. Thankfully the ladies make it home safely, although we have no idea how. (More lost footage perhaps for FOX to exploit? One can only dream.) Paris phones her mother and whines how she is so homesick. She even comments, “I’m going to murder myself”. Now I want to be the one who recaps that show. Of course she seems to ponder her death in every episode so I guess she’s just toying with my emotions.
Anyway, Paris’s Mommy was feeling sorry for her and sends her and the Leding family some Chinese food from Chin Chin in LA. For some unknown and unexplained reason this needed to be delivered by a police officer. The police officer himself seems to be confused as to why he was given the job. Anyway, I guess Chinese food is a new concept in Altus since most of the Leding family does not seem sure about what they are eating. Grandpa Leding and Cayne both decide to stick to their catfish. Paris seems annoyed with Cayne’s choice and remarks “We got food from LA and you’re eating fish?!” to which Cayne replies, “I’m eating food from America”. I think a geography lesson is needed here for both Paris and Cayne. This spawns a conversation with Cayne about where he would like to travel. Cayne hopes to go to Africa someday and hunt. Paris is highly amused by this choice, and Nicole says, “You don’t want to go to NY or LA and shop and pick up some hot bitches?” Why would he have to do that with the two of you sitting right there, Nicole? Janet doesn’t seem too pleased with the turn in the conversation, though, and Nicole apologizes.
Apparently, we missed a big storm during the regular airing of The Simple Life. As the family is waiting to hear information on the TV, Braxton is not too happy with the turn of events and starts crying and begging his mom not to go outside. The weather gets quite bad, though, and they head outside to check it out. Paris and Nicole realize this is pretty serious and not just an opportunity for them to star in The Wizard of Oz. Curly explains to the girls that if the winds get strong enough the roof of the house could blow right off. Paris is indignant that she would actually be put in harms way. (Obviously this wasn’t a part of her big scheme to become a great actress.) Before we go to commercial, we see an outdoor shot of the house with the wind blowing around and some bright lightening. As the lightening strikes we hear screaming and the camera goes out. Could it be possible the girls got caught up in the storm? Could it be possible I won’t hear about Paris Hilton and Nick Carter anymore? Could it be possible I won’t ever know who the heck Nicole Richie is and why I’m suppose to care? No. It’s just FOX toying with my emotions again. The tornado never happened and everyone is safe and sound. They all return back to the house and Nicole says, “You guys are so melodramatic”. Wow, that is definitely the pot calling the kettle black. And no, Omarosa from The Apprentice, I’m not a racist.
After that traumatic event, the girls are set up for yet another job. Why this town keeps allowing these two socialites to work for them is beyond me, but today the gals get to work for a taxidermy shop called Buckskins. They, of course, need a new truck to travel around in since their other one was left on the side of the road. This “new” truck looks more run down than the other, if that’s possible. Paris says, “I thought it would be a camouflage Hummer”. No that’s only in your amateur porn video, Paris. So sorry. Nicole comforts Paris by saying, “It’s a straight up piece of sh*t, so it’s cooler and it matches your outfit”. This convinces Paris to get in the truck but not before spraying it with Lysol for about 2 minutes.
Once they arrive at Buckskins, they need to pull down or pull up or let’s just say situate their ultra small skirts before they head inside. They both walk in with lollipops in their mouths, because that is obviously how the professionals do it in LA, and introduce themselves to the shop owners Ron and Lisa. Their tasks for the day will be to drop off stuffed animals to their owners. Before they start, Ron asks Paris if her tailgate works. (Again, someone hasn’t been studying the amateur porn video because he would obviously know the answer to that.) Oh but I guess he meant their truck. . . but Paris has no idea if it works or not. Finally, they do get a stuffed turkey loaded into the back and speed off to deliver it. They have some difficulty finding the owner, but eventually make their way to deliver it. Unfortunately in their courageous efforts they managed to damage some of the turkey and will have the money taken out of their paychecks. The girls tell Ron he is being so mean. He truly is because he never told them they weren’t supposed to ram the turkey into doorways and let it drop on the ground when transporting it. Some nerve.
They are given a second chance, though, with an even bigger task of delivering a bear to its owner. Paris is hungry, though, and wants to stop in at Sonic. Nicole, the oh-so-witty gal that she is, asks the Sonic employee if stuffed bears like #5’s. Oh what a kidder! While chowing down on their meal the girls come up with the brilliant idea to give the bear a makeover. They add makeup, sunglasses, a bow, and a hat to spiffy the guy up. An older Altus resident pulls up in his truck and asks where they got the bear. Nicole tells him she was the one who killed the bear. For some reason the man doesn’t believe her. Nicole and Paris try to spark some more conversation with the man by telling him they are the Sonic Sisters and own Sonic. Again, though, the gentleman doesn’t seem swayed. They then ask him if the woman with him is his girlfriend, to which he replies, “She’s one of them.” Nicole labels him a real P-I-M-P. That’s right, not just a pimp, a P-I-M-P. She then shares a secret with him by saying she hopes to marry a rich man his age someday so when he “peaces out” she’ll have all his money. (Guess Daddy’s money isn’t enough for her.) She asks P-I-M-P if he’s going to croak soon, but sadly we never get to hear his answers and I guess Nicole’s wedding aspirations are derailed.
After they make their way back to the store, Ron adds up all the damages they incurred. This leaves them with a $30 paycheck, which I think is quite generous considering they did absolutely nothing. The gals don’t let it get them down, though, and head out to a party that night to cheer them up. Things get wild and crazy with people piercing their own ears a la Sandy in Grease, and even the Sheriff shows up. But the gals make a quick getaway with a couple of young Altus men. They are quite drunk, though, and Nicole decides to draw on one of the boy’s faces and make him into a French baker. Oh the fun you can have in Arkansas with Paris and Nicole!
The show winds up with Braxton discussing Paris and Nicole’s visit with his mom. He says it was fun to have them there but they sure were silly. They sure were, Braxton, and our lives just won’t be the same until we see them again.
Please send questions or comments to the author at firstname.lastname@example.org