Those of you that have been following this show know that last week’s recapper, the lovely and talented Bill, made a solemn promise not to resort to sarcasm or insulting a reality show participant. I admire Bill’s pledge, but I have to warn you; I can’t uphold it. Sarcasm and insult is sort of who I am, what I do. Besides, as Entertainment Weekly so rightly stated this week, what could be more fun than making fun of the super-rich? So, without further delay, let’s delve into the freakish, made-for-television happenings in Altus, AR this week.
Day 13 opens with some of the townsfolk expressing their opinions of Nicole and Paris. Apparently men think they’re pretty, but women don’t think they need to dress like streetwalkers or hookers. The women are incorrect. This is FOX we’re talking about. I’m sure a quick check of Paris and Nicole’s contracts would reveal that, in fact, they do need to dress that way; something about key viewer demographics. And forgive my naiveté, but I thought streetwalkers and hookers were the same thing. Of course it wouldn’t be hard for the good people of Altus to have more experience in that area than I do, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.
Yes, the whole town is talking about their new neighbors. And you know how rumors fly around a small town. A barber asks Leroy, a local fellow getting a hair cut, if he thinks the rumors are true. He does. We in the viewing audience are left to wonder what the rumors are about.
Beware of Dog, Part One
Paris receives a phone call from the Mayor of Altus, asking her and Nicole to bring Tinkerbell, Paris’ Chihuahua down to City Hall to register her. Mayor Post is a perfectly proper lady, and once she’s off the phone, she proceeds to tell us that she’s concerned about some of the things she’s been hearing about the girls; foul language, the way they dress, the way they act with people. I wonder if “The Rumors” have anything to do with one of these three topics? The plot thickens.
I’m looking at a Chihuahua wearing a pink outfit with matching pink booties, and I’m reminded of the movie Legally Blonde. The key difference between that film and this television show being that Reese Witherspoon is a better actress than her Chihuahua. Paris and Nicole, Tink in tow, hop in the pickup and make their way to City Hall.
Grandma Leder asks a young Leder male what the other kids are saying about Nicole and Paris. He says that the kids think “one of ‘em walks like a penguin.” She replies “That’s what I heard at the beauty shop.” Apparently the riddle of the great rumor has been solved.
Upon meeting Tinkerbell, Mayor Post is clearly taken aback. “Tinkerbell… look at you… Okay, well... sweeeet name for her.” The mayor then begins asking a series of questions: “Does Tinkerbell have a history of violence to small children?” Paris assures us that Tink is the sweetest dog in the world. Mayor Post seems dubious, so she continues this line of questioning. “She has no anti-social tendencies?” No, none. Good, because forget Pit Bulls; nothing is more terrifying to a small town than a two pound fuchsia-clad sociopath Chihuahua. Then the final question comes “Has she ever contracted a sexually transmitted disease?” Am I the only one that wondered if perhaps our illustrious Mayor might not have been talking about the dog any more? No matter. Tinkerbell is declared a virgin and is awarded her registration papers. Personally I think a paper cut from those enormous registration papers could do more damage than this harmless pup.
The town safe from immediate peril, the Mayor tells Paris and Nicole “I had a special thought; I’d be delighted if you’d both be honorary co-chair persons at the Springtime Gala.” “Yeah! Of course! Definitely!” I realize that I’m new to this show, and I’ve never spent any time in the South, but I think I’m starting to pick up on their unique brand of speech. “A special thought” must mean “Your producers suggested.” And I’d be delighted” translates into “They promised me a gift certificate from Barney’s Feed & Grain.” It’s clear that Paris and Nicole have no idea what is involved in being co-chair persons. Nor do they have any clue what the Springtime Gala is. Frankly, the concept of thought appears completely foreign to them. But God love ‘em, they’re enthusiastic about the gala just the same.
What Do You Wear To a Gala?
Actually, we don’t know what the Springtime Gala is, either, but clues begin to trickle in. We learn that three year old Braxton Leding is going to be competing in a “Prince” contest. At first I thought they meant he was going to have Paris and Nicole sing backup while he belted out “Purple Rain” but then I realize that instead he’ll be competing in one of those Beauty Pageants for toddlers. I’m not sure which thought horrifies me more. Braxton demonstrates his “talent”; wearing sunglasses, he executes a robot dance that would have made Shields and Yarnell proud. Still, I’m thinking I would have gone with “Raspberry Beret” instead.
Grandma Leding, who the girls refer to as “Curly” shows them how to make pies. It’s at this point that I wish the producers of the show had bothered to put forth effort in post-production to throw some graphics up and let us know who these folks are. For all I know, the woman’s name actually is Curly. Perhaps great grandpa Leding was a big fan of The Stooges or something. If so, at least he had the good sense not to name his daughter Shemp. I hate it when intriguing questions like this go unanswered.
We see Curly teaching the girls the amazing complexities of baking pies. Mystical pie-baking secrets are revealed, such as the use of this alien measuring device known as a “teaspoon.” As Nicole and Paris filled a contraption called a “cup”, I’m sure they were amazed to learn that Crisco isn’t just for the bedroom. Curly tells us that Nicole and Paris are two “good girls.” She must also love that sweet, demure little angel, Christina Aguilera.
Mama Leding (FOX, curse you and your lack of graphics in this show!) tells us that the gala is just an arts & crafts fair. Watching Paris try to choose an outfit for the event, Mama’s face is a mixture of wonderment and disgust. Paris pulls out a tiny two-piece deerskin number that she announces she wore to the Playboy Mansion. Mom asks the question “Was that underwear or an outfit?” Clearly, she doesn’t realize that at Hef’s place, underwear is an outfit.
Paris models several other ensembles. There’s no way these are really her clothes, are they? FOX must have picked them up on the cheap at “Roxanne’s Red Light Going Out of Business Sale.” Nicole persuades Paris not to wear a little number that must have been used in Heidi Does Hamburg and Ms. Hilton finally settles on the “farmer’s daughter” look. You know, if the farmer’s daughter was on pay-per-view. Mom looks dismayed by the selection, but teenage Justin Leder has a different reaction; his gum nearly falls out of his mouth.
Paris and Nicole share with us that Justin is like their little brother. Nicole is wearing a shirt that says “DEADSY” on it. I have no idea what that means. Is it short for “Dead Sexy”? Is she promoting some odd VH1 documentary on the Dead Sea scrolls? Is it describing her Dadsy’s career? Someone help me out here.
The pair take Justin out for a drive in the pickup, and tell him that his girlfriend will be so jealous. The poor lad confides that he doesn’t have a girlfriend any more, that she’s decided she just “wants to be friends.” And we all know that statement is right up there with “I think we should see other people” and “It’s not you, it’s me” in the Kiss Of Death Department. In an effort to cheer up the lad, the girls offer to give him a hickey. Ah, the lengths they’ll go to in order to make their little brother happy.
Beware Of Dog, Part Two
As everyone prepares to head out for the Springtime Gala, Mama reminds them not to forget the pies. Curly warns them to drive carefully so the pies don’t slide off the seat and end up as scramble pie. Mama sends Justin in to remind them not to forget the pies. A telegram arrives from Marie Calendar urging them to “Remember the pies. Stop.” Martha Stewart calls to offer tips on the safe transportation of pies, and suggestions on what to wear to an arraignment. Okay, I made some of that up. But you get the idea; the pies are doomed.
As Nicole reminds us that everyone thinks they’re spoiled brats, which is so not true, Paris is sulking that her purse totally doesn’t match her outfit. And with that, Nicole in her short skirt/bustier/cowboy hat and boots combo and Paris in her two piece Daisy Mae Does Dallas outfit climb into the truck to head for the Springtime Gala. And no worries; they’ve got the pies with them. Paris starts the truck, which immediately lets out an odd rumbling and a pop, followed by a small puff of smoke or steam from under the hood. Nicole casually states “Oh man, I smell something – oh, it’s burnt rubber.” Then upon seeing the puff, she panics, leaping from the truck all the while yelling “Oh my God! Oh my God! Get out of the car! It’s smoking! It’s gonna blow up!!!” The poor girl doesn’t realize that only happens in the movies. Or in a Pinto. I almost didn’t mention the Pinto, because I’m sure that Paris and Nicole have no clue what that is. If they guessed and got as close as “a bean” I’d be stunned. Of course, at this point I’d be stunned if they knew what a bean was.
Our Mensa candidates head inside to call for help, leaving the pies on the ground outside, for safe keeping. Thank goodness they didn’t leave them in that fiery death-trap of a truck. Of course, no sooner do they step into the house than a Dalmatian appears. I’m sure if we asked her, Mayor Post could give us a run down of the pooch’s psychological profile and sexual history. Unless – gasp – this isn’t a local dog, but a stunt pooch brought in by the producers! Ah, reality. Our little friend starts out by deftly removing the foil covering from Nicole’s pie, but he quickly returns and devours a good half of the pie before the off-camera trainers decide he’s had enough and call him off.
Meanwhile, Grandma Curly is at the gala, bragging to the local women about the pies that she taught Paris and Nicole to bake. When the locals look down their noses and ask incredulously if they actually baked them themselves, I have a momentary pang of sympathy for our little non-spoiled lasses. Fortunately, that passes quickly.
Back at the farm, Justin and another graphically nameless guy show up to give the girls a ride to the gala. Continuing to display the fascination with homoeroticism she first demonstrated last week at Sonic when she asked male customers if they showered together, Nicole asks the boys if they ever French kiss each other, as she thinks that’s hot. In a rare show of standards, Paris reveals that she finds that disgusting.
Setting off for the gala, they discover that Rex the Wonder Dog has eaten Nicole’s pie. Thankfully, Paris’ pie is completely intact. That’s probably the first time that phrase has been uttered since her days in elementary school, but I digress. Nicole is unhappy about this turn of events, and plants a stylish boot heel in Paris’ untouched apple pie. What a sweetheart. Needless to say, when they arrive at the gala with scramble pie, Curly isn’t pleased.
Remember back when I mentioned that the girls didn’t seem to understand what being co-chairs meant? Well, at least they had an idea, no matter how misguided. After pressing the flesh with the folks at the gala, and by that I mean shaking hands, we find them sitting at the bar in “Kelt’s Main St. Pub.” Paris comments that she must really be a redneck, because she’s drinking beer at 8am. Before I have time to consult the Redneck Handbook to make sure early morning drinking is one of the qualifications, Mayor Post arrives to haul the girls off to the gala to announce the start of the Prince and Princesses contest.
Our co-chairs are introduced on stage. Oh, I forgot to mention that in a show of support for her littlest brother, Nicole has had “Braxton” written across her chest in bright yellow, complete with a little multi-colored crown. Mama Leding asks us “Is she out of her mind? What part of painting a little boy’s name across your chest is appropriate?” Color me stumped. I mean, she could have at least had the decency to choose a color that matched her outfit. Just when I didn’t think things could get more inappropriate, Paris announces the start of the contest with “Braxton, you’re so hot right now. We love you.” The crowd sits in stunned silence. So stunned in fact, that Nicole actually has to announce “Start clapping.” Papa Leding tells us that this is one thing he thought they could do without making a scene, but apparently he was wrong. That’s Understatement Of the Year material there, people. Be sure to tune into “The Undies” later this year to see if he wins. Oh, obviously, that show will be on FOX as well.
Their “work” done, the girls head back to the bar to brush up on their redneck skills. Pesky Mayor Post retrieves them again. Paris informs us that they are making friends, that the people like them “because we’re sweet.” We’re then treated to clips that state otherwise. Nicole rubbing a cream pie in the face of an 8 year old girl. Nicole dunking a young teenage boy in the dunk tank. The girls back in the bar. Mayor Post hauling them back to the gala.
I Don’t Think The CDC Is Going To Like This
Finally, it seems that the show has found a job that Paris and Nicole are perfectly suited for: working the Kissing Booth. That’s right folks, for only a dollar you too could have had a peck on the cheek from one of our garishly dressed darlings. To no one’s surprise, the booth is overrun with guys lining up, and woman of all ages looking on with disapproving stares. One young man tries to convince Nicole and Paris to kiss each other on the lips. Paris points out that they’re friends, and that would be like kissing your sister. I have to say that the bizarre moral code these girls live by is fascinating. From this statement we can surmise that a) the rules for giving your brother a hickey don’t apply to your sister, and b) if they weren’t friends, they’d have no problem kissing. To fully demonstrate just how convoluted their code is, Nicole does allow a guy to pay a dollar to kiss her butt, and remarks that it’s the most action she’s had all week. Mom tells us that she’s making the family look bad. Wow, d’ya think? Oh, and in one low-angle shot from behind the girls, FOX uses fuzzy-dot technology to obscure what ever was showing under Paris’ skimpy skirt. I can’t help but think that if they’d gone with a shot from a higher angle they could have avoided the fuzzy dot and instead spent the money on the name graphics I wanted. But I’m not bitter.
Our attention turns to Justin’s ex reminding him that she just wants to be friends. Paris and Nicole take pity on poor Justin, both giving him a kiss for half price in order to stretch his last buck. Paris tells us they’re protective of him, and we see them confront the ex outside the girl’s bathroom. Nicole informs Ms. I-Just-Want-To-Be-Friends that Justin has “made out with four other girls – and me and Paris.” Remember the old saying that if you have unprotected sex with someone, you’re having sex with all the people they’ve had sex with? If that carries over to kissing, then based solely on their experience in the kissing booth, Justin just kissed every guy in Altus. Ms. IJWTBF is clearly upset, but she’s not a complete fool. “Why are you being mean to me? Are you trying to make me jealous?” Paris replies “You’re going to be really sorry.” To which Nicole adds “Yeah, we’re going to tag team him tonight.” Ah, there’s that warped moral code rearing it’s under-clad, overly-made-up face again. The ex looks angry, and Nicole quickly laughs “I’m just kidding.” Which, since I’m pretty sure Justin is underage, she had to throw out there in order to avoid breaking some morals clause in her FOX contract.
Paris’s parting line to sum up Day 13? “I think this town doesn’t know what hit them.” If so? Lucky town.
Tune in later this week to read Kylie’s account of tonight’s long awaited “Cattle Prod” episode.
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