The Simple Life
12/09 Episode – You Want Fries With That?
This week on The Simple Life, our two Arkansas adventurers tried their hand at yet another local occupation, that being the exciting, dog eat dog, devil may care, world of fast food. If you want to learn more about the earlier exploits of these two “ladies” then you will definitely want to read Sher and SnowflakeGirl’s outstanding recaps from last week.
Before we go on, I want to assure everyone that this recap will not resort to the kind of low level degrading of the rich princess, and putting down the basic southern values humor, that seems to be the corner stone of this social experiment. Those of you who have read my Joe Millionaire recaps and others will know that I believe in only highest standards of entertainment writing, that I would never use sarcasm in a recap, and would not stoop to insult a reality show participant. It is important to respect these two women for the vibrant, yet misunderstood, role models for young adults everywhere that they are. And why you ask? Because this is the FORT, and we have standards to uphold here people! High standards!
Okay, now that we have that disclaimer out of the way, let’s get down to business…
Are these two really this stupid, or do they think it is an endearing quality to have no idea what a paycheck is? I have a toaster that is smarter than Nicole, and it isn’t even plugged in right now.
Patience Bill… getting ahead of yourself here. Start at the beginning…
Clubbin’ and Quiltin’ with Paris and Nicole
We open the show with several gratuitous shots of Nicole and Paris dancing the night away, with each other, with local guys, and with any brass pole that is in arms reach. They have some good moves, and definitely are successful in grabbing all of the attention. But then, Paris does have an unfair advantage, what with all her background in night vision photography and such.
Now the announcer guy then tells us that we need to go back 48 hours in time to review the events leading up to the night out on the town. I immediately figure out that this episode must be so bad that they had to show us the T & A upfront in order to keep our attention. Either that, or the girls will be dressing up as burger mascots during the show, and thus we need our skin fix now. I am guessing either is possible, so I wait in near uncontrolled anticipation to see what crazy hi-jinx these two wallflowers will get into next.
Oh look, it is St. Mary’s Quilting Circle. Yes, into this quiet society of senior citizen sewing denizens, someone saw fit to drop a bomb. That bomb being Nicole. Oh sure, Paris is there too, but slept through most of it. Nicole, on the other hand, at least tried to get inside the heads of these ladies. She wanted to understand just what it was that drove these women to work their needles to the bone, all in the never ending pursuit of making “squares”. She looks quizzically at the ladies when she learns that they actually enjoy doing this, and no, this is not one of those foreign sweatshops she heard about in passing when she showed up for a gala fundraiser designed to save the starving farm whales or some such thing.
Nicole, fresh with the understanding that this is fun for the ladies, decides to offer her design theories to the group. First, all of this square stuff is for… well, squares. She suggests that maybe cigarette burns, or perhaps even painted graffiti, would really boost sales. The assembled quilters are not receptive to these innovative ideas, and really, if this is the way the rest of the town is going to treat Nicole and Paris, then I can understand why they have such attitudes. You try to help someone get up to date in terms of style, and they mock you instead. Not one of the quilters broke out a cig and tried her idea. I am sorry, but that is just rude.
Before leaving the quilters, Nicole does her usual thorough preparatory work, and advises the Mom’s that she is in town for several weeks, and single”. If these Mom’s are as smart as I think they are, I am sure they all immediately sprinted home to grab their sons. Nicole is quite a catch, and would promise years of fun at every family event.
Back at the Leding house, Paris is on the phone with her sister Nicky. She is venting all of her frustrations to her favorite modeling partner and close confidant. I can understand this too, as poor Paris has been through hell. Small town, no money, no credit cards, and being forced into almost slave labor like conditions. It is just unacceptable. After all, she volunteered her precious time to this experiment with no intention of getting anything in return. It’s not like she is hoping to spin this into other entertainment opportunities or anything, and shame on you cynical people for thinking that. No, Paris is doing what she always has, and that is trying to help. In return for this effort, all she gets is the Ledings giving her dirty looks for saying a couple less than flattering things about their home town. Those darn Ledings, I sure hope they get theirs before this done!
Time To Go Flip “Bugers”
5:30am. Wake up call.
Yup, 5:30am. Now here is where I know the show is exaggerating. No real Americans wake up at that time. That is just one of those urban legends. Once again, bashing on these poor girls for no reason at all!
Today the girls have a new job, and it is at Sonic burger. Now, believe it or not, Sonic is not a nationwide chain, and I don’t have them near my home, but I travel a bit for work and have partaken of a Sonic Burger. In fact, I have nothing bad to say about a chain that still sells tater tots all day long. I love tater tots. We all do really. It is those darn French, pushing their fries on us all day long that are ruining America’s tater tot crop.
Regardless of my respect for Sonic the company, they really should be ashamed of the behavior of their employees during this episode. They were rude, unfriendly, and didn’t at all try to understand the challenges that these girls have faced in life.
For example. Nicole and Paris show up for work a little late. Oh sure, it was 45 minutes, and yes, it was their first day, but come on. Cut them some slack.
Before starting work, there was the necessary paperwork to deal with, and here again, the Sonic manager was way out of line. Just dumping these confusing forms on these two innocent women was inappropriate. Expecting them to weave their way through the minute nuances of IRS regulations surrounding the contentious issue of exemptions without walking them through it was going too far. How many of us common folk have had to fill out that one line, and sign at the bottom? Add to that the embarrassment of the hair nets, and these people truly have no shame.
Prep work done, our two heroines go to work, Nicole on drinks, and Paris working the drive through in her stiletto’s. Nicole, overachiever that she is, tries for a promotion on her first day with impromptu assistance to Paris on the drive through. She compliments many customers, and it is just coincidence that they were men. Nicole even checks to ensure proper hygiene practices are observed locally when she asks one customer if he bathes with other men.
After a very exhausting first hour of work, the ladies finally get a break. That darn Sonic manager is just going to work them to death, and not only that, she makes them buy their own food! Oh the humanity!
Back at the Ledings house, the abuse continues. Al and Janet are complaining about the girls not doing their chores. Now just how are they supposed to do all of that additional work, like making their beds, when they have day jobs? Jeez, you people are completely off your rockers aren’t you? Just to rub it in, they show 4-year old Braxton standing on a stool doing his own dishes, but that is an unfair comparison. Is Braxton out working all day at Sonic? No he is not, you dishonest backstabbing Ledings! Besides, we all know that Braxton must be some sort of freak of nature gifted child prodigy to make his own bed.
Back at Sonic, Paris and Nicole move up the corporate ladder to the exalted Sign Changer Person and Stuff position. Both are excited about the opportunity. Their task? Change the sign to read “Half Price Burgers – All Day”.
Being the dedicated and focused employees they are, both of them immediately set out to improve the message, all as variations on the word booger. Now, this is really the kind of thinking outside the box that will take these gals far. I can’t think of a better way to sell hamburgers then by associating them with boogers. It is sheer brilliance!
Their work done, the ladies conclude that it would be best to hide the ladder, so no one can deface their marketing ploy. Stepping back, they admire their handiwork. The sign now reads: “Half Price Anal Salty Bugers” and their effort is paying off. It seems like everyone in town is rushing to Sonic to see their sign, and I am sure some of them will actually buy.
Yet all of their efforts go to waste because Little Miss Napoleon, the Sonic manager, decides that they need to change the sign immediately. The nerve!
Almost as punishment, Nicole and Paris are forced to don the Sonic drink mascot costumes, and stand by the road attracting business. Thinking on their feet yet again, the girls resort to using creative finger gestures to attract business. However, that darn manager disapproves of what they are doing. This woman is clearly delusional when she says that customers driving by should see balloons and not Nicole flipping them off. How can she say that without testing response? A clearly unsubstantiated opinion, and I don’t blame the ladies for wandering across the street to check out a store.
Onion Rings Suck, but Raw Onion Stacks are a Taste Treat!
If I had been treated as rudely as our girls were the first day at work, I would have walked off the job. But not these two bastions of employment integrity. No, Nicole and Paris try a new position in the food assembly line, that being onion ring making, and bacon frying. Paris seems to be a natural at pork preparations, while Nicole quickly grows bored with the slow onion ring production line. She decides to make a 500% improvement in onion ring creation capacity by simply stacking the rings together in big piles on the conveyor. We can send a man to the moon, but it has taken us another 34 years to finally conquer the blight that is slow onion ring production. You can shove that bloomin’ onion you know where Outback. Step aside, as Sonic’s double stacked raw onion and flour rings are coming though!
Once again, Drill Sergeant manager rolls in, stifling creativity everywhere she goes. Nicole is forced to re-split the rings, while Paris is put back on car delivery duty.
Finally 3PM rolls around, and the girls have completed their first day of work, and sadly, it appears their last day as the dynamos that drive the Sonic machine to profitability. Obviously the manager figured out that she would soon be replaced if she allowed the girls to stick around. Life is so unfair sometimes.
Meanwhile Back at the Ranch
Back at the Ledings, Al has decided he needs to have a sit down discussion with the girls. It is obvious that the Sonic agents have gotten to him too, because he starts in with a lecture on how their bad behavior reflects poorly on his family and himself. Well if you have been following this recap, I am sure you can see that we have thoroughly debunked the idea that the girls did anything wrong at Sonic. It is obviously small town prejudice against folks from the big city!
The show ends where it began, with Paris and Nicole out on the town, while the boring Ledings do things like talk to their children, and go to bed early. Stuck up Ledings!
I am not sure how they will survive another 23 days.
Next week, Wayner walks you through the tumultuous lives of Nicole and Paris. Let’s all hope that they receive better treatment at their next job.
Your comments are welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org